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I’d been left without option. Cleaning myself up again, I didn’t have time to wash my dress. Reluctant, I went to Juro’s gift. Soft orange and pale, yellow shades, with serval layers in a more mature design. The bouses were longer, thicker in their material, meant to cross over my chest like a snug robe. The sleeves too, were longer, wider, pretty. The skirt of it was one piece rather than two, thick at its upper hem, meant to sinch around my waist rather than just beneath my armpits. It felt a great deal heavier than what Lord Kwan had given me, and there was some sense of false safety in that.
Looking to the part of my room piled with mud, my gut soured. I wanted to take this off, to get back into my dingy, rough-spun clothes. The desire to throw it off increased when noticing frogs subtly embroidered along the thick hems. Soft to the touch, yet every piece made me feel like wearing it meant I agreed to him—that he’d marked me as his territory.
A crunch underfoot, and the prickle of something sharp. The hairpin. And I had nothing to fix it with. I started to panic. What if he asked about it? I could lie, but if he found out? He came into my room unhindered before.
Lord Kwan was waiting. Even as I brewed the tea and brought it, I couldn’t think of how to keep it a secret and stave off Juro’s anger. But perhaps Lord Kwan would have a solution if I explained things.
The hope was dashed when I saw Juro sitting with Lord Kwan, casual, as though he hadn’t assaulted me less than an hour before.
“That’s a lovely thing,” said Lord Kwan, sounding content and caught up in pleasant conversation.
I tried to ignore it; and tried more to not look at Juro. My fear came to fruition somewhere in conversation when a lull allowed Juro to ask about the hairpin.
“I,” I couldn’t think of how to build on lies if he asked more questions. Lord Kwan had even said I was a lousy liar. “It fell out. Earlier. And broke.”
“I’ll fix it,” said Lord Kwan, having taken his time, but speaking before Juro. “Is that why you’ve been so quiet?”
I shied my gaze, not wanting to admit or reveal anything.
In the night, as I went to check on Koji, I had to pass Juro’s room. His door closed, I could still hear him with a woman. One of the new girls, presumably. And the same for the following two nights that he stayed. His attention towards me was softer, but no less uncomfortable, and I no longer could guess at what was safe to say.
“Hisa?”
“Yes?” I glanced around, figuring out how I should address him, “Juro?” Admittedly, my mind wandered, leaving me only physically trapped.
He looked me over, sighing. “If it’s—about that day, I,” he fought with his words. “I am sorry. My temper got my better.”
I stayed quiet.
“I hate to see you so genuinely bothered. Tell me what I can do to have your forgiveness, and convince you to smile.”
“I don’t know,” I looked away, searching the garden for something more to say.
“I will be gentle to you. You know that, don’t you?”
I nodded, even though I didn’t believe it.
“Kwan mentioned you have a love for riding now.”
“Not anymore,” I said, absently. My body tensed when I realized it, and he waited for further explanation. “I fell.”
“My beloved,” he took my hand, “I had told Kwan to protect you. Were you hurt?”
“Please, don’t trouble yourself, Juro.”
The conversation ended with his asking me to try and learn to love him, and the promise of more things to come until I forgave his beastly affront. I couldn’t agree to any of it, not while my head was still spinning and my thoughts were fogged. I needed time to understand how I felt, and how to move past it.
Not that it halted gossip.
In my rough-spun clothes, I’d taken to restocking the tinder for the furnaces of the house before the weather became too cold. I didn’t think of myself as too quiet, carrying out this small chore, though I went largely unnoticed.
“Don’t misunderstand, Juro isn’t exactly a prize to behold. But you saw that dress and pin. And she has the audacity to be miserable while the rest of us would kill to have that level of attention from a lord.”
“Lord Kwan let her keep the dog because she was about to cry. She has to be sucking him at the very least, regardless of what Lin says.”
“It’s more than that, if you ask me. She spends most of her time with him while the rest of us are slaving away. Attendant, but I wouldn’t be surprise if she attends to all his needs.”
“And when she’s not spending all her time with Lord Kwan, she spends it with Lord Juro, grasping at whatever straw she can get.”
“Vulgar village rat.”
“She’s not even pretty.”
“You don’t need to be to bend over for a man.”
“I heard she looked like a staved little boy when she arrived here, but I guess some men are into that.”
“And I’ve been entertaining Lord Juro with nothing to show for it yet. The mud—and the smell when he’s done!”
“Maybe she stomachs it enough that she deserves a reward.”
“I’d stomach it happily if there was a guarantee of becoming mistress.”
I held still, wanting to hide. My muscles had other ideas, shaking, turning hot—hotter than my ears. I shot up to my feet, scowling. Three startled faces stopped in their tracks.
“Or maybe I put in the best effort even though I’m human. And I don’t expect rewards or to become a wife or mistress with sex while at the same time trying to shame someone else for the same thing. Maybe it’s because I don’t treat people like prizes that I can have something for myself. And maybe it’s because I’m not so caught up in my appearance and comparing myself, so I’m not half as annoying.”
Like with Syaoran and Urekkato, the moment angry words started to fly from my mouth, I couldn’t stop them. At the same time, I didn’t want to stop. It felt good to get these things off my chest, to not become a victim to someone else’s poor opinion of me, to stand up for myself and not need to be rescued.
“If you’re jealous of me, that’s not my fault! If I do end up marrying Lord Juro, it’s not because I threw myself at him in desperation. It’ll be for love. Maybe if all of you were less selfish and started being honest, you wouldn’t be so miserable.”
I started feeling breathless, so angry that I swore I was at the brink of growing claws and fangs to lash out.
“I’m not trying to seduce Lord Juro, or Syaoran, or Lord Kwan. I’m happy enough to have them as friends. And I’ll be happier when I can go home. Then I can come and go whenever I like, and I won’t ever have to hear disgusting rumors about me from girls like you again.”
They all looked past me, their expressions shifting from startled to annoyed to horrified. Setting their things down, they each put on a perfect bow. For a moment, I thought they were mocking me. Until I felt a hand on my shoulder.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this worked up,” said Syaoran, warm in his tone.
I turned, feeling flushed. Juro was with him, bearing a happy expression. How much had he heard? Caught off guard, I fumbled, and put myself into a bow as well.
Juro took my hands. “So, you will consider?”
I went rigid. He’d heard at least that much.
“As for the rest, I could never take a mistress who thought so meanly of my bride.”
It was all I could do to resist wincing. I’d dug my own grave at that point in my outrage, and there was no way I could think to politely retract.
“Ah, but she hasn’t said yes to you, Lord Juro,” teased Syaoran. “And maybe I want a mistress who’s feisty.”
“Syaoran!” I scolded, forgetting my place for the smallest half-second.
“Be careful, fox,” said Juro, unamused with the prospect.
“You mean Hisa wouldn’t pick me? She did say once that she’d never kiss me, so maybe you’re right.”
“I said I only wanted to kiss the man I’m in love with!” I realized too late that I fell into his baiting. “And I’m not in love with anyone, yet.”
“Yet,” repeated Juro, savoring the word.
Again, I felt uncomfortable and out of place.
“In any case, you can go back to your work,” said Syaoran, waving off the women. “We came for Hisa, so you can go back to being jealous as well.”
I wished he hadn’t added that, and frowned at him. He ignored it.
****
Winter, and the house was restless. Preparations for hosting court in summer were already underway. I stayed out of it, taking apart my old riding clothes and outgrown house clothes to practice my stitch work while it was too cold to take Koji out for long. He didn’t mind the cold, but I worried for his health. And though Lord Kwan specified to keep him in the kennels unless I took him out on a leash, I bent his command more than a little. Koji stayed on the mat I wove, content on the heated floor of my room, and on a leash. I kept my bunny out of his reach, making toys for him myself.
“Does Lord Kwan know you have Koji in here?” asked Lin, opening my door.
I waved her in. “He stays quiet.”
The door now wide open, she brought in several packages. I stopped my needle work, setting it aside to help her.
“What’s all this for?”
“Well, since your new station, you’ll be color coded differently from last year when Lord Kwan holds court.”
My brow bent at the mere thought of wearing that constrictive dress and all its wraps again.
“New riding clothes as well. The custom order took time, and there’s a spare set. And a few things from Juro for your birthday. He sent a barrel of persimmons and apricots, and I helped myself to a couple. Do you mind?”
I shook my head. I’d shared out the persimmons he’d brought on his visit, not wanting them but also not wanting them to rot.
“That’s one thing if you do decide to marry him. Summer fruits picked fresh, even in the deepest winter.”
“They won’t last long here though. It’s too cold.”
“Well, when they start, ask Xin to turn them into breads or pastries.”
“Out of persimmons and apricots?”
“They make nice cookies. The last house I worked for used the abundance to bake them by the basket load before holding court. It’d probably make Juro happy to see that.”
I sighed, setting things down. Packages, notes, I didn’t want to look at any of it.
Koji shook out, waking up and wagging his tail. He looked over, waiting for me to say if he should stay or get up.
“Koji,” cooed Lin, going over to pet him. “Who’s a good boy?”
Good boy. Then I thought of what Lord Kwan had said at the end of court, and again when my fever became manageable. “Why did he say that?” I muttered.
“What?” said Lin.
I thought fast. “I was thinking, how I wish he wouldn’t send anything else. It makes me uncomfortable. Like I’m supposed to feel indebted, and have to accept him.”
“You can still enjoy that a man is doting on you, while it lasts.” She stopped to ponder, squinting at me to better read my expression. “You’re still hung up on that day?”
I’d told Lin after the fact, when light teasing pushed me too far. “I thought he was going to force himself on me.” Then I began to wonder. “Would a man force himself on his wife?”
Lin shrugged. “Maybe. He could’ve come back while you were asleep. You wouldn’t have known until he was on you.”
Another reason I wanted to keep Koji in my room.
“Did you tell Lord Kwan?”
“I didn’t want to bother him.”
“You should. It’s one thing if a guest has a willing girl, and something else completely if he violates her. It shows a severe lack of respect to the host; and Lord Kwan likes you enough to take it more personally. He certainly did with Yua.”
“With Yua?”
“It was about seventy, maybe eighty years ago. One of the older sons of the Samjo clan.”
“I never knew.”
“Now, will you stop moping and tell him? I want to see that girl who chewed off the heads of three gossiping bitches. Syaoran said it was spectacular, but you’re so quiet I have a hard time trying to picture it. If I’d caught them talking about me, I would’ve done more than some blunt words.”
I chuckled.
“So, what do you want to do for your birthday?”
I shook my head.
“Oh, come on. Everyone who matters in the house likes you enough to want to do something. Last year, Yua and Syaoran had us stop what we were doing to put something together. It was hectic!” She laughed.
“That’s exactly why I don’t want anything. I’m not used to anyone making a fuss over me.” Though, the imagination of Yua conducting a birthday surprise for me made me smile. She’d always seemed distant and straight to the point.
Lin groaned, putting her attention back on Koji.
“When is your birthday, Lin?”
“Yesterday.”
I dropped my jaw. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Why? What were you going to do about it?”
She had a point. I didn’t have great enough skill to make something, or money to buy anything.
“Besides, I’ll take some of your apricots as gift enough.”
“I don’t mind sharing that, but a gift should be something from the heart.”
“Too sentimental. Most of us like gifts that are practical. It’s why we put together that deel for you.”
“In a single day?”
“It went a lot faster with everyone working on it, and a bit of magic. Most of it was alterations, since we had your measurements already.”
Lin waved away the gesture, making it sound trivial, but I adored my winterwear. It was weird to think something that meaningful to me was miniscule to the person who’d given it. What was there that I could do that could measure to expectations?
“Lord Kwan is allowing solstice celebrations too. You should see this place when all the lanterns are lit up. It’s beautiful.”
“I didn’t think spirits celebrated.”
“It depends on the mood of the lord. But we typically have all sorts of cakes and egg custard and hold a house banquet. And a few games. It’s not as exciting as court or other summer festivities, but it boosts morale.”
“Women did all the cooking in the village.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“And the men would hang bamboo ropes with bits of red ribbons tied on them. We’d all eat in the same house and try to stay up to see the sunrise.”
Lin laughed. “Most of us are passed out from all the food and wine before sunrise. But I like the idea with the bamboo ropes. Could be something else to hang more lanterns. We still have a few days.”
****
I walked to the shrine on my birthday, Koji in tow—though he complained, having to stay beside me on a leash rather than play.
The solstice passed, and the memory of how the lights looked, how warm everything felt because of it, stayed with me. Rowdy as it became, I didn’t mind. One of the men acted too liberal after a heavy consumption of wine, with Lin prying him off of her and the house giving him a tease to remind him of his behavior.
I didn’t understand the rules of the games, though it was fun to sit back and watch. The fruits Juro sent were shared out, making for greater delight and keeping some of the more devious taunts from being aimed at me. Lin warned that going too far might make me change my mind about generosity later on.
Things quieted since then, the most excitement being my asking Xin to teach me to make treats out of whatever fresh fruits were left from Juro, and to make a heavy, honeyed cake. It wasn’t as difficult as I first supposed, though I still managed to make a mess of myself. Not that I minded, repeating the process verbally until I could write it down so that I could take it with me when I leave.
I still hadn’t opened any of the packages or notes in my room, even with Lin’s prodding. There was still a sense of dread. Even Syaoran’s warm curiosity, setting aside his irritation for the day and handing me a silver coin, wouldn’t sway me. I didn’t want others to see, to talk about it, to convince me of anything.
So, I decided to go to the shrine for prayer.
To my surprise, Lord Kwan was already at the shrine, hands steepled, chin down, and eyes closed. I didn’t know he prayed, for what or why, I couldn’t guess. I hadn’t thought that a Juneun, a powerful one, would need prayer for anything.
I tried not to disturb him, waiting as long as my anxiousness would allow before putting in the coin Syaoran gave me that morning and assume the same pose. I stayed in prayer a long time, ignoring Koji’s whine and waiting for Lord Kwan to leave.
It seemed like an eternity, waiting, and I couldn’t help but feel like I was being watched. Daring to open my eyes again, I peeked over to see that he’d finished his prayers and waited for me.
“What did you wish for this year?”
My mind went blank. I knew what I’d prayed for: continued strength, courage, good health, for time to go quickly so that I could be home once more, and to never be alone with Juro again. But I couldn’t put it to words.
He smiled, soft. “Something I can give to you, hopefully.”
It helped, but I fidgeted as I struggled to think how to outwit him. “Love’s kiss. So, I can’t ask it of someone who doesn’t love me.”
Brow cocked, I saw a second of mischief in his eyes. “Was mine not satisfactory?”
I felt myself starting to flush, needing to reel in my feelings and form sensible words. “It, it was, but,” I gulped, needing a precious pause to gather myself. “This kind is different.”
He slow blinked, assessing my nervousness. “From Juro?”
“No!” I said, a little too quickly. My eyes darted away and back, searching for how to reclaim some ounce of dignity. “It’s—I know Lord Juro is your friend, but,” I hesitated with my next set of words. But Lin was right. “He tried to force himself on me the last time he was here.”
“He violated you?”
“Not, well, he stopped, but...” It was hard to meet Lord Kwan’s eye as I tried to explain myself.
His stare took me in, smile faded. “What prevented you from saying this before?”
I looked down. His tone was gentle, patient, though I wished there’d have been some seething anger. “I didn’t want to be the cause of any further trouble.”
“Hisa, you are a part of my house. If I am troubled to protect you, that is my failing as a lord.” He lifted my chin, coaxing me to meet his gaze again. “And you are a treasured friend. Are you not?”
“Yes, my lord,” I whispered. A feeling of comfort wrapped around me. The kindness of his voice acting as reassurance.
He dropped his hand, leaving me to myself again. “I will better occupy him when next he visits, to keep the two of you separate. And keep in mind that you’re under no obligation of secrecy. Come to me, as your friend, with any troubles you might have in the future.”
As much as I would have rathered that Juro not return at all, I knew that was asking too much. There was business between the two, and it was unfair of me to demand a complete end to it.
“And you’re certain there is nothing I can give to you today? Or, at least send for?”
I shook my head, smiling with some relief. “I don’t need anything else.”
His eyes studied me, deciding on something. “Close your eyes.”
At that moment, I’d forgotten what I’d said before. “Lord Kwan, don’t tease me like that. I’ve said before that a kiss shouldn’t be coerced. And love’s kiss especially.”
He took a step forward, closing the distance between us, and lifted my chin again, a little higher, fingers brushing over my jaw and cheek. “Close your eyes.” That hint of a smile returned.
For a long time, I didn’t. I could pull away. I knew he wouldn’t stop me. Or I could refuse it all together. But I didn’t want to refuse it, and did eventually obey.
His lips fell gentle on my own, parting them to play with. The hand that held my chin slid back, behind my ear, and the other came to cup my face. All of it cool to the touch, all of it bringing a strange joy. My fingers found their way to his robes, taking hold high on his chest. Then he opened my mouth with his, and his tongue went to explore. I tried to do the same, inexperienced and clumsy as I was. It was weird and wet and gross and wonderful, stealing the breath from me and I didn’t care. My heart raced, I became dough in his hands, nothing else existed, and I wanted it to never end.
When he pulled away, and I was able to suck in my breath again, I opened my eyes. My fingers loosened, reluctant to let go until a thread of drool between us broke. I cupped my face in embarrassment. Lord Kwan paid it no heed, keeping a soft smile.
“And that?”
I batted my eyes, my head in a fog.
“Was I no good?”
Shaking my head, I scrambled for words. “It was. It was... I liked it. A lot.”
“That’s good. I’d hate to learn now, after all this time, that my kiss was frightening.” His fingers slid under my hand, thumbing away the last thread of spit from my lip and chin. Without a following word, he turned to go back to the house.
I stood there, shocked. Koji leaned on me, rubbing his face against my thigh, but I stayed in my unblinking stupor. I no longer felt a friendship between us. How could I? The kiss replayed in my head, over and over, faster and faster. My life had become beautifully tragic. Because I realized then that I was in love with Lord Kwan.