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The solstice came into full celebration. I dedicated time to help in the kitchen, and went long into the night making small cakes to hand out. I put the most effort into the ones for Lin, Syaoran, and Lord Kwan—as a thank you for their friendship. With exactly 1 left over, I gave it to Koji.
Games and feasting held, I couldn’t help notice the quiet looks shared between Syaoran and Uno. It made me think about earlier conversations. Did Uno like Syaoran? And wanted to make sure she wasn’t intruding on a relationship? From what I could gleam from stolen glances alone, the feeling was mutual.
I devised a plan. Inelegant as I was at my attempt, disguising it as practice for small talk, I thought I wasn’t too suspicious in my questions and occasional return comment on Syaoran.
He wanted a girl who loved rice wine. Uno was fickle about what sorts of wines she liked, and only on occasion. He liked racing on horseback. Uno knew how to ride adeptly, though didn’t enjoy it enough for sporting. With every new bit of information, it seemed like she barely met what he liked by half. When I asked what sort of man she liked, I became too suspicious.
“Why do you ask?”
Quick, I came up with some excuse. “There’s always gossip about marriage. Shouldn’t I expect more like it at Tetsuden?”
She pondered it, and for a moment I worried she didn’t believe me. “I don’t think as much. Mokryon is when men are more open to the gossip away from women, and apt to take action in staking a claim.”
I cringed at the idea of being claimed. I knew Uno meant it more innocently, but it reminded me too much of Juro’s behavior for me to not go a little rigid in my spine. “Is that how your sister and her lord...?”
Uno became sheepish. “No. But, it’s a private matter, miss, please.”
I made my apology, having to accept the new awkwardness I’d created.
When the morning of my birthday came, the air was particularly cold. I kept inside a long while, not bothering to dress and keeping my blankets wrapped around me as I stared out the window to a snow-covered garden. I became sleepy, dreamlike, staring at the beautiful white silence and the shadows panting shapes upon it.
Koji kept asleep, enjoying that I’d snuck him into my room for the night. He gave a yawn and a stretch, looking around before deciding that another nap was in order. I’d told Uno to take the day for herself, since I wanted to do things when I felt like and not work on remembering so many rules for only today.
I started to nod off again, lazy and comfortably kept between cold air and warm floors. Movement caught my eye. A white doe stepped delicately and slow, not making a sound as she foraged for food. I couldn’t look away, transfixed on how elegant she moved. Every step or turn of her head, all of it like how a lady—a princess—might conduct herself.
“Hisa?”
I whipped my head to look over my shoulder. Lord Kwan stood peering through my door partially opened. I pulled my blankets closer around me. He’d seen me in my nightrobes before, but that didn’t make me comfortable with it. I was still his servant, after all, even if I did want more.
“What are you looking at?” asked Lord Kwan, gentle.
“There’s a—” I stopped when I looked back. The doe was gone, and not a trace was left to indicate she’d ever been there.
“Are you not going to the shrine this year?”
I shifted my gaze back to him, nodding. “I just wanted to stay warm a little while longer.”
That hint of a smile came on his face. “I’ll wait for you.” He closed my door.
Wait for me? I looked over at Koji, who didn’t stir in the least. Lord Kwan was waiting for me? What for? I hurried to dress, noticing how my deel’s sleeves didn’t reach over my palms as they’d done when I first got it. I’d grown more. Not surprising, I’d been here three-and-a-half years.
I still wasn’t shapely or very feminine looking, except for my waist. I’d filled out in my time here, no longer too skinny, but neither was I plump. I suppose all my running about and keeping busy didn’t allow for that. I would miss the cakes and other treats when I did return home, but I knew better than to dwell on a selfish thought.
Putting Koji on his leash, he sluggishly obeyed my command to get up and come with me.
Except for Juro, there wasn’t a big to-do with my birthday, since I’d already had just about everything I needed. And I’d made the effort to know everyone else’s birthdays, and think of what to make for them. I wasn’t very good at guessing what most of the household liked or needed though. The best I could manage was sharing out the fruits Juro sent; being out of season, and ripe on their arrival, that was more pleasing than anything I came up with on my own. But at least that much made them happy. So much was sent, that they’d often become pastries to prevent them from spoiling, bringing further delight.
Lin complained that once I left, Juro would stop sending these kinds of gifts. What are we going to do then? Which made me laugh.
Outside my door, Lord Kwan stood, looking out over the glittering snow. I’d assumed he meant that he’d wait for me at the shrine. A battle ensued within me, trying to keep my cheeks from pinking.
When he turned to me, he said nothing about Koji. He pushed back his long hair behind his shoulder with the flick of his wrist, keeping a pleasant expression. “Shall we?”
I nodded, shallow and quick.
Koji yawned a high-pitched complaint.
“Good morning to you as well, Koji,” said Lord Kwan. His gaze went back to me. “I’ll allow it today.”
We walked wordlessly. Syaoran waited at the edge of the path leading to the shrine, eager to give me his usual token. I smiled, thinking again of how to matchmake him and Uno. They did seem to like each other, and might make small compromises to be with each other. Uno didn’t have a love of rice wine, but she didn’t hate it either. And a pleasant ride could be just as nice as a thrilling race if it was with the right person.
At the shrine, I thought I saw Lord Kwan’s happy expression quiet somewhat. For what reason, I didn’t know. Perhaps because Gumiho was still out there. That helped me to decide what to pray for, and I wouldn’t have to try outwitting him this time.
As much as I wanted to ask for him to someday return my feelings, it felt too much of an ask, and I’d already decided that our close friendship would suffice in lieu of a romance. Greedy, I’d also prayed for the welfare of my family and village.
When I opened my eyes, I answered him before he could ask. “For you to always come home safely. That’s what I prayed for this year.”
His brow became crooked, amused. “Hisa doubts my ability?”
I shook my head, smiling. “I hate when you come home and need to be chained. So, I prayed you’d come home safe and not need to go through that.”
“But nothing for yourself?”
I shied, with Koji pressing his head against me in a silent beg to play.
Lord Kwan watched me. “You’re eighteen now.”
“Nineteen,” I corrected.
He eyed me, as though I was the one who counted wrong. “Should I pledge to hold your wedding? Or does Syaoran have a place in mind?”
I laughed at his tease. “I don’t think I’ll be getting married any time soon.”
He studied me, mulling over my words. “No request for paint? Or cakes?”
I shook my head, keeping my sheepish smile.
“Not a kiss?”
I chuckled. “But you already said I could have one at any time for your atonement.”
“I did,” agreed Lord Kwan. “But I’ve gotten used to that being your wish.”
To that, I blinked.
“Will Syaoran get jealous?”
“Jealous of what?”
“If I kissed you again. And that’s why you didn’t want for it?”
I laughed. Since coming back, that’d been the center of gossip surrounding me in the house. Though I hadn’t expected him to tease me so often. “We’re only friends.”
He kept his watch on me, bearing a gentle smile, and leaned in. “Nineteen.”
I twisted my brow, looking into his eyes.
“Nineteen kisses this time.”
There was no hiding my blushing. It came on too quick to battle back.
He leaned closer, closing his eyes. I did likewise, my heart throwing away any suggestion of resistance. A soft placement of his cool lips on mine, like how he’d kissed me the first time.
“One.”
Then he kissed my forehead. I kept my eyes closed.
“Two.”
On my nose. My cheek. A slightly deeper kiss on my lips. Back and forth between innocent and what I thought of as passionate kisses. His hand cupped my jaw at some point, and I held fast to his jacket. His fingers edged into my hair, his other hand going to the small of my back and coaxing me closer to him. With each exploratory kiss, I tried to keep up, anxious to do so again when our lips parted. How long I stood there in blind bliss, I didn’t know. I savored the slow count and touch of each.
“Nineteen.”
I could sense he was about to let me go and step back. I didn’t let him. My hands firming their hold, I rested my head against his chest. Silent, I hoped—prayed—he’d say three words to me. Three words I somehow managed to shy away from when it counted.
He hesitated, eventually embracing me as I stayed put.
However, our moment was interrupted by an insistent Koji, openly whining that he was made to be still so long.
****
My birthday felt too short, leaving me to reminisce about what’d happened in the seclusion of the shrine. My mind and my heart continued to insist there was something more there, though I knew better. He was handsome and rich and powerful, and a Juneun, with beautiful ladies and pretty servant girls vying for his attention. I couldn’t measure up. No matter how fond he was. The reminder of which, saddened me.
I tried to take my mind off it, and finally go through the things that had been sent for my birthday before the snows became too much.
Juro, unsurprisingly, sent more gowns. Undoubtedly, he meant for me to wear them during Mokryon. Then I remembered. I had no dress. I’d ruined the one Lord Kwan gave me, and I doubted that anything with pants wouldn’t be well received at a noble gathering.
Dread filled me, now having to come to terms with an inescapable truth: I would need Juro’s gifts. I would need to wear the very thing that made me feel like property. Even if I started now and didn’t stop, I’m not sure I’d be able to sew up a decent one. If I’d had the sense, I would’ve asked Lord Kwan to send for one or two, rather than nineteen... no. It would’ve been wrong either way to be demanding fine clothes.
I looked at the deep periwinkle color of the skirt, and the hems of the blouses. The embroidered frogs on the blouse, overshadowed by the pattern of koi fish, were easily missed. The red ribbon that tied the pieces together helped to distract.
Another comprised of several white blouses, hemmed by either a pale orange or teal color, meant to be worn in a particular order. The skirt of it a washed green, with a simple floral pattern running down from the waist.
The final one seemed the most mature fashion. Soft, peach colored blouses and a powdered-blue skirt that faded to white towards the bottom. What made it seem the most mature were the sheer jackets, colored in white and rose. It’d taken me a moment to realize they were meant to stay over rather than be tucked under the skirt. Spread out, the end of the jacket stopped below my knees, and the wide sleeves did likewise. Beautiful things, but so much wasted fabric. And I was certain I’d somehow get them caught on something.
What other choice did I have? I didn’t want to embarrass Genji, or Syaoran, or Lord Kwan.
Slippers were also sent, and the note which read more like Juro congratulated himself on having, more or less, made me into his doll to dress up. Included was his expressed desire to see me in them. I shuddered.
There was a note from Urekkato as well. I didn’t want to look at it, but I also wanted a distraction from the storm of thoughts competing with each other.
I was better off ignoring it.
Hisa
What a strange thing you are. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you tried to seduce Genji.
If that was your intent, I think you did an exceptional job of it.
Though, he was always soft for human girls.
And then to get so involved with Syaoran. To that, I’m not surprised.
Now, it seems you’re spoiled for choice on a husband.
I’m interested to see where this goes, since I will not attend Mokryon this year.
I saw your reply to my last writing, which made me burst laughing with how obsessively you looked at it.
Your aching heart will have to bear not seeing me at least another year complete.
More to my interest is how you outwitted Juro in your last confrontation with him.
But you wound me with how you misled him about my character.
It’s been a fun game with you. Though, I wish you would forget about ending the spell so often.
As I’ve said, I do have an interest in Kwan’s relationship towards you, and I hardly see much.
If your desire really is to claim the fox for yourself, don’t hesitate to ask for my help.
I can see it’d make for an entertaining relationship. More so than Kwan.
I suppose I’ll help if your plan was for the Elk prince, if only to make more princelings.
Though, it’d make for less amusement in the long run.
And if none of your suitors can satisfy you, I may consider bringing you as one of mine.
Your scorn and squirming make for good sport when I’m bored.
I loathed him. I hated having made that deal with him, and now having to suffer his intrusion and his teasing. Couldn’t I get even a little peace from him? It was hard enough sorting my feelings without humiliation from a Juneun prince. Is that all anyone thought? That I must be after a man because of a close friendship or in finding a kindred soul?
I took to my stationery. Writing my response in the corner. He saw through my eyes, but would he persist if he knew my feelings? I knew it was useless, but I could only hope.
Stop
Please
My vision began to blur with tears. It didn’t seem to matter how angry I got if all he did was laugh at me for it. So, I stared at it, letting silent tears fall onto the paper. I didn’t know when or how often he saw through my eyes. All I could do was hope he did see it, and would relent.