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The evening went off smoothly.
It was the following morning that alarmed me.
“Hisa,” whispered Syaoran, shaking me.
I groaned, swatting away his gentle interruption. Only to wake when I felt hot lips against my cheek. I jumped. He chuckled.
“Good. You’re awake,” said Syaoran, still in his night robe. “We’re supposed to be attending Lord Kwan, remember?”
I was about to kick off my blankets when my hand sensibly clung on.
Again, he chuckled, quiet. “Hurry up. We can get breakfast afterwards.”
He left me to my side of the sheer, ignoring my annoyed expression.
I didn’t bother with fixing up my hair or hiding my scars, hurrying to get dressed. I needed to assist Syaoran in the morning grooming routine of Lord Kwan, more for presentation than anything. I remembered most of it from the last time I acted, truly acted, as his attendant, and from Uno’s tutoring; though, her instruction was more focused on a lady’s routine rather than a man’s. I still forgot what order the combs were used.
Breakfast and after left Syaoran and I alone to do with as we pleased. I’d selected the winter dress Juro sent, hoping he wouldn’t recognize me if I avoided the ones he wanted me to wear. That, and it was brisk this early into spring and so high in the mountains. A warmer dress felt more comfortable. I applied my cosmetic and styled my hair while Syaoran unpacked. He insisted he didn’t need my help, and I’d brought so little that putting things away took no time at all.
“Enjoy the castle. It’s only a matter of time before Kwan or Genji will want to speak with you. And Juro won’t dare show up early since he’s not a personal friend to the host.”
“You don’t need me to do anything?”
He shook his head. “I’ll stock the room and head out myself.”
“Stock the room?”
“We typically don’t at home, but in a big place like Tetsuden, attending servants stock their lord’s room with things like fruits or incense so he can retire from the day early if he wants.”
“I could help out, so you don’t have to go back and forth so much.”
He grinned, making me feel uncomfortable. “Hisa is looking for excuses to be alone with me.”
“I am not!”
“Are you planning to take advantage of me? I’m too tired from the journey to fight back. Be gentle on me.”
“You’re not funny.”
He laughed. “You’re blushing.”
“Will you stop? I was trying to help.”
He waved me off, still snickering. And I didn’t hesitate to leave.
On my way out, I went slow, trying to make sure I could find my way back. Though I hardly started to walk the nearest park when my luck ran out.
Grabbed, a hand over my mouth, and pulled around a corner, fear and frustration competed in me. I wiggled, trying to dig in my nails, and trying to bite, as my legs kicked.
“You’re feistier now,” said Urekkato, hot breath in my ear.
I struggled harder.
“Calm down, and I’ll let go.”
Huffing, and unable to do much to break free, I held still. The moment he started to release me, I pushed away.
He chuckled. “You’re almost cute when you’re mad. Maybe that’s why Kwan brought you.”
“You said you weren’t coming.”
“I lied.”
I turned, walking away, and stumbled to a halt when he took hold of my wrist.
“Aren’t you going to greet me?”
“Maybe if you didn’t grab me and gag me,” I snapped. Only after did I remember that he was still a prince and I was a servant, and my face paled from the angry red state it’d become.
“Would you speak to me if you saw me coming? Answer honestly.”
I furrowed my brow, dropping my gaze to where he held me and to the ground after. “No.”
“I did see your response.”
I looked to meet his eye.
“I’m not going to stop, I just want you to know I saw your reply.”
I tried to pull away, my anger building back up. He laughed.
“You know, most people beg my forgiveness when they’ve offended me.”
“Why would I beg forgiveness from someone who enjoys tormenting me?”
He smiled, sly. “You might need a favor from me later.”
“I doubt it,” I said, working in vain to pry off his fingers.
“And if you’re against Juro, why are you wearing that?”
“I didn’t have anything else!”
“Nothing?” He let go. “Guess that settles a few assumptions. If Kwan isn’t dressing you to mark his territory, then intimacy probably isn’t there. But what about the fox?”
I ignored him, eager to get away. I was fuming, searching for anywhere else to be as I walked, somewhere open where I couldn’t get snatched up. Looking ahead again, I nearly collided with Urekkato.
“You and Kwan are the only ones who will do that,” said Urekkato with a grin. “Everyone else can’t wait to get my attention and grovel.”
“I don’t want your attention,” I said, keeping my tone low and side stepping to continue on my way.
“So, it is the fox?”
I kept walking.
“Or is it Genji?”
I kept my pace.
Wandering, I found a place open and empty beside the larger of the lakes, which turned out to be several bisected. The ground had been dug out and filled with water to create the vast ponds and give the illusion of the walkways and buildings floating atop it all. It was pretty to explore. Bamboo and carefully selected trees gave the illusion of walking through a forest, and the guest rooms or other accommodations acted as a pseudo village that was tucked away. I must’ve walked it for an hour or more, admiring the dark wood and black roof tiles against the gravel pathways.
As long as the main road was in sight, I could find my way back.
A bridge, with a shelter built over the middle third of it, offered the most splendid view. Looking over the glittering water, with greenery and parts of the guest houses backed up to it, I felt enchanted. It really did seem like one of those dream-like water paintings.
Other guests walked by, or stopped to appreciate the scene. One stood a short distance away, enjoying the tranquility almost as long as I had. A woman, tall and still in her riding clothes, with a cherry-colored blotch of skin on her lower left eye that spilled onto her cheek. When she did take notice that someone stood there for a similar time, she looked over, gleaming my attention.
“A human?”
I said nothing, instead giving a polite bow in acknowledgement.
“Oh, you must be Kwan’s human,” said the woman. “I’d heard you might be here. Not very pretty though. With all the chatter I thought you’d be some great beauty, but you’re rather ordinary.”
I regretted being polite, needing to silently remind myself that my manners were a reflection of Lord Kwan and Genji.
“So how do you like it here? Tetsuden, I mean.”
My brow bent, realizing I had to come up with an answer and not babble about it. “It’s a lot to take in.”
She laughed, leaning against the rail. “I can imagine! I haven’t been to Kwan’s estate, but I’ve heard it’s small. He’s never been one for showing off. Direct, to the point, the necessities. It’s what made him fun to spar with.”
“Spar with?” I cocked a brow. “But you’re...” before I could accidentally cause insult, I let my words hang unfinished.
“A woman. But we Samjos have never been the sort to follow every convention if it doesn’t suit us. Because of that, we get labeled things like rowdy or undisciplined.”
“Even as a Juneun?”
She smirked. “If we conformed like everyone else, we wouldn’t have come into as a high a station. So the labels don’t bother us.”
I smiled, looking back to the pond and the numerous carp swimming through in a dazzling display of variety.
“You don’t say much.”
I gave a sheepish expression. “I’m not used to nobles talking to me, my lady.”
“Well, you’re polite. And it’s Towa.”
I gave a bow for recognition. “Hisa.”
“Hm. We have similar names then.”
I didn’t see how, but that hardly mattered when I spotted Juro in the distance. I made a respectful goodbye, with the excuse that I’d lingered too long and needed to attend my lord. Walking towards the main road, I prayed he didn’t notice me.
Catching his reflection, my prayers were for not. He’d started following me. I picked up my pace, trying not to seem panicked. What I needed was somewhere to hide, but I’d only just arrived and didn’t know of anywhere. My next hope was that one of Genji’s servants would hurry to me and fetch me for Lord Kwan or some other matter, but it also seemed unlikely.
He wasn’t supposed to be here this early. That’s what I’d been told.
I walked to the castle entrance, pretending not to notice his following, or that he’d also picked up pace. My saving grace was that he kept to good manners himself and wasn’t shouting for me.
Maybe I could lose him in going back to my room, or find Syaoran and make up some excuse. As I turned a corner, I caught a glimpse of how much he’d closed the distance between us. I didn’t have time to come up with something clever. Nor would I be able to always avoid him if he recognized me already.
A new plan formed in my head, out of desperation. But it hinged on either Syaoran or Lord Kwan being in the room. So, I prayed, wordless and frequent, that Syaoran wasn’t finished yet with stocking the room and would be there. If ever I needed luck, it was now.
Turning another corner, Juro was catching up—almost in range to call respectfully.
Up the last flight of stairs, I hurried more to get to our hostel. Opening the door, I found Syaoran setting up the last fixings of a fruit plate.
“Hisa?” He cocked a brow at my expression.
“I need you to kiss me. Right now!” I said, low.
I didn’t give him time to object or ask questions, nor did I close the door. Putting my hands on his face, I pulled him in to kiss, straddling him. I tried to imitate the exploratory kiss Lord Kwan did. He caught on, wrapping his arms around me, and pressing me against him as he took charge.
His hands grabbed at my blouse, tugging it loose. One moving down to find my hip and glide behind, fingertips barring into my skin. He shifted to get more comfortable, accidentally dropping me and knocking over the display of fruits. I squeaked in surprise. But he didn’t relent, keeping himself between my thighs. One hand held himself up from crushing me, the other sliding from my back to wander elsewhere, tugging at my dress to allow himself beneath. Likewise, his lips moved from my mouth to my neck.
I realized he took my plea to mean something else. In a new fit of panic, I pushed against his chest, trying to gain his attention in a whisper. “Syaoran!”
He chuckled. “Wait,” said Syaoran, playful as he sat up. “The door is still open. Let me—”
I stopped as well, both of us panting, and followed his gaze. Juro stood in the door way with a horrified expression, walking away in a defeated manner. I calmed in the moment, taking the opportunity to scoot away and sit up. Syaoran gave me a quizzical expression, getting up and taking measured strides to the door.
My hair fell out of its style partway, and my clothes needed readjustment. The red from my lips had smudged off on him, making us both look a little absurd. I gathered myself, bracing for what I might need to do next.
The door closed, and Syaoran looked back at me, but I didn’t dare break the silence first.
“You know, you could’ve told me that you planned to use me.”
“I didn’t have time,” I whispered. “He was right behind me.”
A look of mischief consumed him, and he walked to Lord Kwan’s bed, laying half on it. “So, do we pick up where we left off?”
I was about to argue, stopping as I started to notice just how handsome he was. My irritation fast fading, I reached for him, fingers trailing over his cheek and into his hair. He was warm. He was always warm.
“You bit me,” said Syaoran.
“I’m sorry,” I said, transfixed.
“Do you want to bite me again?”
I withdrew my hand, but only a moment. It felt like I remembered something and forgot it in the same second. “No...”
“What do you want to do?”
“I...” I knew what I wanted to say. What I wanted him to do. But there was something in the way—a feeling wrestling with my fascination. “I want...” My eyes wandered away, looking to my hand and questioning why I was stroking his cheek.
“Are you in love with me?”
“Yes,” I said, realizing that wasn’t right. I blinked, breaking my gaze and recoiling my hand. “No.”
Then it started to subside, the way I’d seen him, going back to how he’d always been. It dawned on me then that he’d taunted me and used his fox essence.
“Will you stop that?” I demanded, my fury returning.
He chuckled. “Just admit you have a crush on me. You beg me to kiss you, then you bite me, then you beg me to kiss you. I’m getting mixed signals. Just admit it so we can move on.”
“There’s nothing for me to admit to you,” I said, firm.
“Why?”
I said nothing, headed for the door.
Syaoran continued to toy with me, getting up to follow and carrying a laugh in his voice. “Why won’t you just admit you want me?”
“Because I’m in love with Kwan!” I cupped my hands over my mouth. My spine went cold, my eyes wide, and my knees shook as I looked at Syaoran’s face.
He blinked, his expression blank. I could tell he was trying to see if I was being truthful, if he should make fun of me. For a while, we just stared at each other, one of us horrified and the other perplexed.
“You’re serious?”
I dropped my hands, looking down to the floor and instinctively hiding behind my arms.
“I was only joking when I said you were...”
I kept still, scared and humiliated.
“But, then... why did you want me to...?”
Shaking my head, I summoned the courage to face him. “I know he doesn’t feel the same way. I don’t want to be in love, but I am. When I first asked you to...”
He raised a brow, keeping my eye. “It’s because of something his brothers, or someone else said. But, you know that Genji’s wife was—”
“Maybe it was a fluke,” I said. “One romance between a Juneun and a human. But it didn’t last. I’m not like Feng or Eumeh or—”
Syaoran took me into a protective embrace. “Stop that.”
“It’s true! Even his brothers think Genji’s romance was ridiculous.”
“Who cares what Kwan’s brothers think? Have you seen how miserable those shits are? And you’re going to listen to them?”
I laughed, the best I could manage in my state.
“What if he does feel the same?”
I shook my head. “I don’t want him to be like Genji. The way he misses Isaden.”
Syaoran gave space, looking down at me. “For as long as I’ve known Kwan, he’s been a lonely person. He’s already like Genji.”
I knew he meant to cheer me up. But, how could I explain that more than just Lord Kwan’s brothers didn’t think he felt a love for me? Or that I didn’t want to complicate more in his life? My forehead dropped into his chest, and I sighed with frustration.
“Isn’t it better to have a little bit of happiness, than centuries of isolation. He already smiles more when you’re around.”
I said nothing.
“And if there’s no romantic feelings with Kwan, you always have Juro.”
I laughed. “Don’t say that.”