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Autumn.
The rains had long stopped, and the ground left to dry. Even with my saying that I didn’t want to have sex, Kwan didn’t withhold his affection. It was in the way that I’d wanted. A slower, tender set of encounters. It surprised Lin. She’d teased, that he respected my desire not to lay with him, saying that every man had his breaking point.
The third floor complete, later than expected, Kwan offered if I wanted to join him in a room with a provided second bed, or stay where I was. My few belongings were carried up only days after I’d agreed.
Lin’s words still bothered me. She was more experienced with men, but Kwan had spoken sincerely. I knew it was cruel of me, but I’d tested him now and again, climbing into his bed to see if he would press for it.
He didn’t.
And I quickly found how much better I liked sleeping in his embrace rather than alone. At times, I would start a tirade of kisses and enjoy the return. Other touches were played with, though he refrained from going too far between my thighs. In other instances, I would go back to my own bed; he’d ask, but didn’t try to prevent me.
Sometimes, I’d wanted it to go there. But I needed to know whether or not I really did have any say in this part of romance.
I became bold in my thinking that I had more control in this aspect, despite anyone casually insisting otherwise. However, doubts crept back when Syaoran repeated too similar of the things Lin had said. He was a man, and had known Kwan longer than I did. Much longer.
It came to a head when Uno questioned it. Uno, who’d staved from commenting much at all.
“He won’t grow bored?”
I didn’t quite understand until it was better explained. Rather than asserting myself, I might’ve hastened his disdain. I’d never had a boy like me, let alone a man be in love with me, and my naivety was obvious.
“Kwan?”
He grunted, half asleep.
I shifted in his embrace, the only sound outside of infrequent insect chirps. “The last time you wanted us to... You pinned me to the table.”
Half of a smirk flashed on his face. “My preference in love making.”
I held my bottom lip between my teeth a moment, thinking how to ask. “Do you get frustrated with me?”
Kwan opened his eyes, groggy, and propped himself up to look at me. “Where is this coming from?”
“Do I?”
He sucked in a tired breath. “Sometimes. What is this about?”
I shook my head, averting my gaze.
“Hisa,” said Kwan, gentle. “Speak openly with me. Shouldn’t I be allowed to know why the woman I love is distressed?”
I tried to look at him. A nervous swallow shut my voice.
“Whatever you fear about us, Hisa, it is false. I make no plans to take another woman when the one I love is here beside me. And, if she does not wish to engage in certain pleasures, then it is a false love for me to refuse that wish. Is it not?”
Shy, I nodded, understanding his attempt to comfort me in my doubt.
“Love demands that we ask things of each other, that we trust in each other. I will keep no more secrets from you. But I ask that you keep none from me as well.”
I smiled. “My fear is in gossip. A false fear. I didn’t mean to seem like I doubted your sincerity.”
He resumed his embrace of me, and I scooted closer to him. As a reward, he placed a kiss at my hairline. “My brothers will be here at week’s end.”
“What for?” I asked in a sudden panic.
“Word spread of Gumiho’s return. Naturally, they want to know what it is I plan on doing about it. I received the letter this afternoon.”
My mind raced with cold thoughts. “I should move my things back.”
“Why?”
“Because—what will they say?”
“They’ll say what they like. But it is not theirs to decide. That power is ours alone.”
“I don’t want to cause you more trouble.”
“Trouble seems to follow us both, whatever the circumstance. I am not ashamed of you.”
His final sentiment echoed in my heart, easing my frets.
“Are you ashamed of me?”
I shook my head, smiling wide. “Of course not.”
****
When his brothers did arrive, I didn’t hold the same level of confidence. To his dismay, Beom was turned away. Kwan hadn’t forgotten. And it led to immediate tension. They’d only stay a week at most, though it didn’t seem like it’d be a friendly stay.
In the first night, when I returned to our room, his brothers flashed odd looks as I passed.
The majority of conversation revolved around a hunt for Gumiho, with Kwan dismissing the idea. He insisted that a hunt would only lead to disaster, as it’d done often before—notably under the crown’s order. When they grew frustrated, they lashed out at the evidence of my being there; that he’d spoiled me too much, and I was only a novelty. He ignored it better than I could whenever I heard any part of it.
Was it true? That I was only something to pass the time, under the guise of being in love—of mere infatuation? An anger in me rejected the harsh words. They’d been the same, tired insults since before Kwan and I confessed our feelings. What I couldn’t avoid was the thought of being a toy rather than an equal, as we’d promised each other.
Unable to ignore it, and while I knew it was unkind, I wanted to test that as well. I needed something to see if I was treated as his servant, or as his love. It was reckless, dangerous maybe, but I had an idea.
Midday, as the brothers held another conversation to pressure Kwan’s cooperation, I climbed the stairs. My heart pounding, my legs telling me to turn back, I prayed for courage. More when I reached the doors.
“Urekkato claimed presenting her head for the princess’s hand,” said Kwan. “Let him chase her.”
“The Cat Clan princeling hasn’t been seen in over two months,” said Seong, level in his tone. “Winter is almost here. The snows will make tracking and traveling difficult.”
“It seems you’ve wasted a journey, then,” said Kwan.
“You spend far too much time doting on your human,” scolded Yuz. “Have you forgotten what Gum—”
“I forget nothing,” said Kwan. “With every pursuit, it’s led to grounds favorable to her. Her recent assault was to lure myself away, rather than chance an entire household on my land. She’s alone now, and isolated confrontations are to her advantage. And if she’s not alone, what better prize could she hope for than to wipe out our line with every son of our clan charging in?”
“You think she’s hoping we’ll hunt her together?” asked Kwang.
“Why do you think I deny the notion every time father sends you?”
It sounded like they’d settled, contemplating the logic. In a short matter of time, undoubtedly, they’d harass Kwan for being with me. While tempers were paused, I took my chance, sliding the doors open as far as my arms would reach.
They all turned to look at me.
“Get out,” I said, quieter than I meant to. “All of you.”
Seong was the first to anger. “Who are you to dictate orders?”
I steeled myself, repeating my command in a slower, steadier voice.
Yuz, with a sever expression, went to stand, stopped by Kwang.
“You are a human,” said Seong. “We are Juneun. You should know your pla—”
“Get out,” said Kwan.
Seong looked at his brother, muscles tensing.
“This is my home,” said Kwan, stony. “You will leave us.”
“I am the elder brother,” said Seong.
Kwan stayed unmoved. “The eldest. And lacking respect to his host.”
They silenced.
“Leave us,” said Kwan. He’d supported my command without even knowing the reason.
Reluctant, they did, glaring at me as they walked out. I closed the doors, trying to maintain courage.
Kwan sighed, slow to stand. “Hisa, you can’t simply walk into a meeting of lords and make demands—”
I ignored his words, walking brisk to him. Flinging my arms around him as I leapt, I stopped his concerns with a kiss.
His hands caught my sides, giving in briefly before breaking from me. “Hisa. Now is not—”
I didn’t give him the chance to argue, pulling him back for a deeper, more exploratory kiss, careless of where my toes landed and if I’d stepped on his robes. He stumbled, relying on me for balance. When I guided him to sit, he didn’t fight me. I straddled him next, breaking from our kiss as I moved him to lay back in the stack of cushions lain decoratively along the bedside.
He stared at me, brow pressed and mouth half open in wanting to say something while at a loss for words. I stared back, hurrying to think what to do next. If he did have a breaking point, or if he meant what he’d said.
I rolled my hips atop his, never looking away. His fingers dragged down my sides, leisurely finding the hem of my skirt to play with before sliding under. He held the backs of my lower thigh, his thumbs finding their way beneath my under-trousers to perform a metronome against my skin. I leaned over, placing myself against him as I stole another passionate kiss. His hands responded with a more assertive playing with my legs, making their way up to my rear.
I squeaked with how rough he’d grabbed, causing him to smile. When he tried to roll me over, I resisted, grabbing his arms to pin up, the way he’d done with me. A bewildered expression consumed him as he allowed my guidance. I gave a serious silence, catching my breath, and went back to my playing. His chest heaved, arms starting to come back. I dropped to pin him more forcefully. He blinked at me, looking me over in our wordless game.
I felt him rise beneath me, and played a while longer, watching his frustration in resisting. His breathing picked up with greater excitement in seeing me reach under my dress. My fingers brushed against him, teasing. Greater anticipation came when I’d unfastened my blouses, keeping my back straight as he wanted to move beneath me. I saw the struggle of his arms in wanting to come forward, wanting to grab and play with what was exposed.
The cushions slid from under his head, swallowing him in his fit, and I couldn’t help but pause to laugh. He revealed his face, removing the cushions from around him as he lay flat with a smile.
I took his hands to hold my torso, leaning over as my hips continued their sway, and planting another kiss. My own body responded, dripping down my legs.
I stood up then, walking away.
He blinked, staring after me with the clear confusion, and propped himself up. “Hisa?”
I walked to the table, shimmying out of my under-trousers and assuming the position he’d wanted me in before. I only smiled in response, my eyes looking down and back with an invitation.
Kwan didn’t understand, not right away. When he did, a slight smile took his expression, as did a hunger.
I trembled at his touch. My skin prickled with his fingers gliding down my back and breath on my ear. I hadn’t realized how hot I’d become until the cool of his newly exposed body pressed gently on mine. His arm came around, both pinning me and keeping him balanced, lest he crush me. His other hand went to play between my thighs and up for his own satisfaction. When he slid himself in, I breathed a sharp, whimpering gasp. But I welcomed it.
He started slow. His hand pressing in as it rubbed on my thigh. In an instant his pace would change, often without warning or reason. He went straight, holding me as thick fingers dug into my skin. I couldn’t do much, panting and moaning and fully focused on feeling how he moved.
When he grabbed a fistful of my hair and pulled, I yelped. He stopped, both of us panting while he gently released me.
“Are you alright, Hisa?”
I nodded, reaching to where he’d grabbed. “It just hurt.”
He rested his forehead at the base of my neck. “I’m sorry.”
“The wood hurts me too,” I confessed.
Panting, he looked over my shoulder to the table. “Hang on.” He walked away, leaving me to feel like jelly for a moment while he fetched a cushion to place under me. “Better?”
“I think so,” I said.
He kissed at my neck, breathing in my scent. “Do you want me to stop?”
I shook my head. “I’m happy. Even if it does hurt a bit later.”
“I’ll try to stay gentle,” said Kwan, hands exploring me again. “I don’t want to hurt my Hisa.”