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Kwan was gone when I woke up. For the best, since the morning remedy often left me without appetite anyway. I kept thinking of how he phrased it. My gentle wife.
I held it in my heart, leaving to get something to eat in the afternoon. A variety of fish I’d never seen were the main course of the luncheon. There were clams, similar to what I sometimes found in the river; and while I didn’t like clams, I took a couple to have something familiar.
“Try the seal meat.”
I jumped at the new voice. Towa.
“Smart thinking to get in early. It’s usually gone pretty quick.”
“I missed breakfast,” I admitted, wary.
“Try it,” insisted Towa, placing a thin slice into my bowl. “A lot of this is exclusive to the coastlines. You won’t get them staying on that mountain.”
She waited, expectant. I couldn’t shake how we’d last met, and what Syaoran had said. Restraining my expression, I tasted it. Fatty, and tender, the flavor wasn’t bad, but unexpected.
“It was a shame Kwan canceled court. I was looking forward to it.”
I kept quiet, unsure of how much was already known.
“I haven’t seen him much here either. I started to think he’d gone back to being a shut-in. But if you’re here, he has to be around.”
“I’m not sure where he went,” I said. “With Lord Kwang, I think.” A part of me fell into old insecurities. Towa was a Junuen lady—pretty and bold and making no secret of her interest. Silently, I reminded myself of Kwan’s oath to me. Even if it wasn’t magic or binding, I trusted that gesture.
“My brother told me Kwan is recently engaged. But if there’s not a formal announcement of it, he can’t be serious about her.”
I frowned, wanting to object—to shout. But we weren’t ready. He’d explained it to me.
“You’re his attendant,” said Towa. “You must know who it is.”
I paled, realizing our meeting wasn’t coincidence. “I’m not supposed to say.”
“You can tell me,” said Towa, sweet in her tone. “It’s not Feng. She’d have told everyone. So I’m guessing she’s from a lesser house. Probably one too poor to make a proper dowry. But he’s been known to lay with ladies of all ranks, and Kurai if they interest him, so it’s not surprising if that’s the case.”
The words stung. I already knew Kwan had lovers before me, Gumiho among them, but it still hurt to be reminded, reigniting my hostile insecurity. “I can’t say.”
“You can trust me,” said Towa.
A pinch in my gut disagreed.
“At least tell me if it’s someone here.”
I knew I shouldn’t say anything. But a defiance burned in me, daring me to reveal everything. “Yes. She is.”
“Narrows things down,” said Towa, starting to scan through the guests.
My nerves gave way, and I left. I’d hardly eaten, and all appetite disappeared again. In my distress, I’d taken the wrong stairs to get back to my room. While Bitgaram was smaller than Tetsuden, the halls were uniform with little to distinguish where I’d gone.
I didn’t realize I was at the wrong room until I’d walked in, closed the door, and noticed a set of lady’s combs on the table. Puzzled, I stopped, taking in every difference in the smaller room. With a sharp gasp, I bolted out.
Lost.
I tried to retrace my steps and reorientate myself, but I couldn’t remember which of the parallel halls I’d come from. In hearing voices, I panicked again—which, I realized was ridiculous of me after the fact—and hurried to some niche alcove to hide. An enormous, beautifully sculpted vase occupied the space, making the perfect place to disappear.
“I don’t know why he totes around that girl,” said a feminine voice. “A human is a novelty, but I heard she’s a bit of a disaster. You’ve seen her face, right?”
“She uses a cosmetic to try and hide those things, but it’s not well done,” said another woman’s voice. “Especially on her cheek.”
The first verbally shuddered. “It was the talk last year when he brought the fox as well. I suppose he likes making a public spectacle when he’s not recluse.”
“I’d heard she and the fox are lovers, and it caused so much disruption that he’s separated them this time.”
“The fox? And the human? I feel sorry for him. Kurai or not, he’s handsome enough that a prettier servant would be happy with him, despite having no title.”
“Maybe it’s between her legs and his that won him. That’s all I can think of.”
“Maybe that’s why Kwan brought her and not him? Although, if he came to my room, I’m sure I could do better than a gold-digging human.”
“From what I know, he doesn’t have any intention of making her a mistress. She’ll be back with the other humans soon.”
“Do you think he’s gotten bored? Only so long you can look at a face like hers, I suppose, no matter how good she is in other aspects.”
“He still puts a lot of attention on her from what I’ve seen so far.”
Their voices faded the further they went, and I could no longer make out the echo of their conversation. Gossip and vanity ruled over the women in gatherings like this; sex and violence ruled the men. It was endless scheming for power, and birthing rumors out of jealousy. I told myself that, trying to make myself believe it.
It didn’t matter what they thought. It mattered what Kwan thought—what I thought! So why did I suddenly feel so exhausted?
Slow, I came out of my hiding place, and began finding my way back to my room.
No. No! I wouldn’t let this be how I remembered Bitgaram.
Defiance roared in me, and I set myself to be more diligent in my cosmetic application for the dance. I’d spend the extra time making it flawless, and give them nothing else to try and hurt me with.
In my room, I dressed and styled my hair, making everything as precise as I could, and cleaned off my face to start afresh.
There was one problem. I couldn’t find the cosmetic. I searched, frantic. I knew where I’d left it that morning, but it wasn’t there. Did it fall and accidentally get cleaned out by a maid, or kicked out with me as I left? Was it deliberately taken? Perhaps I was mistaken and placed it somewhere else? It didn’t matter. It was gone.
The sun began to set. Another night of dancing and festivity would soon start. Truly defeated, I unbound my hair, combing it for bed.
As I went to unfasten the ties of my dress, Kwan walked in.
“I was looking for you,” said Kwan, kind in his voice.
I didn’t have the heart to look at him. Afterall, he changed his plans because I’d wanted to dance. “I’m not feeling well.”
From my peripheral, I saw him walk over, setting something down along the way. He laid his hand on my forehead, cool to the touch. I flinched and pulled away.
“Hisa?”
I stayed quiet, not looking at him. Gentle, his fingers took my chin, coaxing me to meet his eye.
“What’s wrong?”
“I lost my cosmetic,” I whispered, placing my own hand to hide my scars.
He pulled it away, slow and soft, revealing the full of my face again. “And? I like you as you are.”
I tucked my neck into my shoulders. “They’ll all stare. And talk. More than they already do.”
Kwan rested his forehead on mine, brushing the tips of our noses together. “I’m not ashamed of you.”
My gaze fell.
“Hisa,” cooed Kwan. “I want you to be my wife. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says. It is my decision, and yours. I will not hide you, or that I am in love with you, away.”
Assured, I looked at him again, putting on a smile.
“They still gossip about my own faults and flaws,” said Kwan, caressing my face. “Do not let jealous words rule you.”
I nodded.
“I have something.”
He stood before I could object or ask, fetching the wrapped thing he’d set down and returning. A hair pin, decorated with peonies in near lifelike appearance.
“Do you like it?”
I nodded, my smile growing.
“Allow me,” said Kwan, taking my hair. He combed it, making a simple bun to set the hairpin in. I didn’t argue it, basking in the tender touch and affection. When he finished, he set his hands on my upper arms, placing the bridge of his nose along my neck. “Will you dance with me?”
The squall in my mind stilled, and my heart warmed as it took a slow rhythm. “Okay,” I whispered, allowing my smile to grow.
He helped me to my feet, leading us out. I stopped at the thresh of the door. He looked at me, head tilted.
“Kiss me?”
That hint of a smile returned to his face. A soft kiss to my lips, and another atop my forehead.
****
In the courtyard nearest the castle, an announcement was made by Kwang. A man with silver-blue eyes and sharp features, dressed in iridescent black robes stood, presented with a young woman in lavished pastels who bore a similarity to Kwan’s eldest brother. The crowds clapped, muttering words of surprise and approval. An engagement, perhaps, since it looked similar to when Kwan hosted court to announce Urekkato and Eumeh.
Something caught my attention through the crowds. Seong, standing perfectly still with a woman beside him whose expression appeared severe in disapproval, and Sara fanning herself in a huff. I didn’t understand the scene, since everyone else seemed happy enough for the new couple, and surely, they were aware.
I didn’t have time to think too much on it, led away by Kwan to take the first dance with him. Across the space I noticed the new couple also taking to dance. At the very least, attention would be drawn away. Relieved by that, my smile held strong.
“The hair pin looks lovely on you,” said Kwan not long into our dance.
I’d practiced more, not needing to place my focus on the steps, so I could look more to his face and into his eyes as we moved about in synchrony. Midway, my mind caught up to tell me something. Kwan’s hand was wrapped. “You’re injured,” I said, quiet.
He said nothing, following my worried gaze. “To break my old oath,” said Kwan, matching my volume.
“The dance won’t strain you?”
He picked me up to carry a pirouette, placing me back on my feet in sync with the others. We broke away to turn in a single spin, and came back together.
“It’ll heal,” said Kwan. “You needn’t worry.”
I still did.
His hint of a smile spread slightly. “Hisa will worry over her Juneun husband’s every cut?”
I chuckled, shaking my head. “I still forget sometimes. To me, you’re just Kwan. The man I love.”
“And you are Hisa. The woman who holds my heart and soul.”
The music ended, allowing for new couples to shuffle in and others to leave. We stood amid other spectators, our hands linked around each other. It didn’t matter if anyone looked or what they said. As long as Kwan was beside me, I felt safe from it.
Towa found us, elegantly dressed and more feminine, rather than her usual masculine attire. “And I thought you hated dancing.”
“I’m more fond of it with Hisa as a partner,” said Kwan.
“Is that so?” asked Towa, a slyness to her tone. “How does your intended feel about it?”
Kwan narrowed his eye at her, reading into the words. I held his hand a little more firmly, reassuring him. “She’s shy. But enjoys a dance.”
“And me?” asked Towa. “I’m not as coordinated. But maybe the right partner could teach a fish how to fly?”
Kwan studied a moment, deciding. “If Hisa has no objection.”
I shook my head, tucking into my shoulders slightly. “Of course.”
Slow, he let go of my hand to take Towa for a dance.
I did mind. It was the habit of obliging others that caused me to speak without thinking. Standing alone, fidgeting, I watched them. They didn’t seem so off sync with each other, and some conversation was held between them. My eyes looked around, making sure Urekkato (among others) really wasn’t around. In my scanning, a glint of something caught my attention. The pendent I’d given Kwan, tied around his belt.
My heart warmed, and my fidgeting lessened.
When he returned, Towa parted politely with a knowing look. I didn’t ask. Part of me didn’t want to know—feared it even.
On and off we danced. The evening winding down, that part of me surrendered. “What did you and Lady Towa talk about?”
Kwan took his time in answering. “She asked about my secret fiancé.”
“Oh...”
“I told her that it’s no secret. She’s the only woman I enjoy dancing with.”
My smile returned, growing wide and bright. In that same moment, fireworks took to the sky. Colors painted the ground, dancers, and onlookers. Now, truthfully, I didn’t care who was watching us. Were we the only ones dancing and all the world looked our way, I didn’t care.
It was the most perfect dance I’d had.