Chapter Fifteen

Dane watched Clarissa study her iPhone. He took in the small, wiry frame, the auburn hair, one lock of which she twisted relentlessly, so much so that Dane feared she would pull it out by its roots. She looks so much like her mother; it breaks my heart. It also breaks my heart that she can suddenly find little more than a word or two to say to me. We used to talk to each other.

He was just about to ask her if she wanted him to order a pizza for dinner when his own iPhone spoke up. He glanced down at its screen—Seth. They were due that evening to stop over at Truman’s once more for their weekly talk. He figured this week they’d have a ton to discuss, since Truman’s appearance at the school over the past several days had always been unusual, to say the least, and colorful, to try to put it in a good light. And it was a good light. Truman had come bursting out of his closet with rainbow-colored flames. And if you didn’t like it? You could go to hell.

“Hey, Seth,” he said softly, for some reason not wanting to disturb his daughter. He backed from the entryway to the family room into the kitchen. “What’s up?”

“I just got off the phone with Patsy. She called for Truman and said, with more than a little pride, that her boy doesn’t think it’s necessary for us to come by anymore.”

“What? You think that’s wise?”

Seth didn’t say anything for a moment or two. “You’re asking the wrong person about wisdom. I’m beginning to think maybe Truman has more of that stuff in his possession than even I do. I’m proud of that kid. And I can’t really say that his not wanting to see us is such a bad thing, especially if the kid is feeling confident, much more than we expected. I think it’s okay to just let him be. See where things go. I have a feeling that if Truman needs us, he’ll let us know.”

Dane didn’t know if leaving Truman alone was such a good idea. The boy was almost acting out. He was on the manic side of the manic-depressive scale. It was obvious he didn’t have much money for fashion, but he had a surplus of imagination, and each day he was able to craft another startling statement ensemble from things he’d gotten at the local thrift stores and rummage sales, Dane suspected. Yesterday he wore a pair of fuchsia-and-lime-green-striped stretch pants with a lime green hoodie and the ever-present combat boots. Dane suspected the pants he’d swiped from Patsy. They were nearly the same size.

Truman was still getting teased and laughed at, that was for sure, but Dane was surprised to realize, when he thought about it, that it wasn’t as much or as frequently. But it still seemed to him that Truman was taunting fate, and he told Seth so. “He’s headed for trouble, wearing those clothes…”

“I don’t know about that,” Seth said. “Yeah, the things he’s been wearing to school do make him a target.” He snickered. “They often border on the ridiculous, but sometimes, sometimes…” His voice trailed off.

“Yeah?”

“Sometimes he looks pretty cool. And cute. Whatever it is, I’ve noticed this week, people are backing off. He’s still facing being ostracized, but I don’t see the bullying anymore. I don’t see people laughing as much. It’s as if he’s taken control of the ridicule, owning it like he says, and I think some of the kids are starting to respect that. He’s even made a friend, I think, and that’s something I didn’t know if I’d ever see.”

“Alicia Adams?” Dane had seen the girl who’d defended him in her class having lunch with Truman only yesterday. The girl had always taken a backseat to her tall and gifted-for-basketball older brother, Darrell. She stood out more now with Truman by her side, the two of them walking down the hall together, laughing, heads close like conspirators.

“Yeah. Yeah. So maybe, I don’t know, maybe if Truman takes charge and shows he isn’t afraid of being weird, of presenting himself in a way that makes sense to him, some of the kids are starting to respect that. You know, it’s like if he calls himself queer first and wears the clothes to prove it, he takes the wind out of the sails of those who want to tease or bully him about it.”

“I get it,” Dane said quietly, not sure that he did. Dane had spent his whole life hiding, and while he couldn’t say it made for pure happiness, it did make for him fitting in. He leaned around the edge of the kitchen archway to peer into the family room. He wouldn’t have those kids in there if he’d been “himself.”

“Listen,” Seth said. “Just because we’re not seeing Truman doesn’t mean you and I can’t get together, does it?”

Dane smiled and felt a flush of warmth course through him. He was surprised Seth was asking. He’d figured he was just calling to tell him the “counseling” was off for that night. “I don’t see why not. I need to order a pizza for the kids. And then maybe we could meet up somewhere?”

Seth said, “How about if you just come by my place? I have an apartment downtown, if you could call my neighborhood a downtown. I mean, it’s, like, four streets.” Seth chuckled.

Dane laughed. “And don’t forget the Diamond,” Dane said, calling out the fountained intersection where those four streets met.

“How could I? I look down on the fountain from my window. Did they ever actually have water in that thing?”

“They will. In the summer. And colored lights. And before you got here in January, that’s where they put the city Christmas tree. We all stand around it and hold hands and sing that song from How the Grinch Stole Christmas.”

“Sure you do,” Seth laughed. “I picked the right place, then. Pizza sounds good. I could order too. That is, if you want to come over?” Dane thought he heard a little wariness edge into Seth’s voice.

Dane wasn’t sure. Well, he was sure. An evening with Seth alone was something that caused his heart to thump in his chest. But what will happen? Shouldn’t I stay home with my kids?

You’re home with your kids almost every night. They ignore you for the most part. Go. It’ll be fine. You’ll be fine.

“It’s only pizza,” Seth said.

“What?” Dane gasped and felt like his mind was being read. “I didn’t say it was anything else.” Before he gave himself wiggle room to back out, he said, “I like sausage and mushrooms on mine, if that’s okay.”

“That’s more than okay,” Seth said. “It’s perfect. Give me an hour, okay? I need to phone in the order and take a shower.”

Dane wanted to ask what he needed to take a shower for, then laughed internally at himself for his panic. People often take showers after a long day at work. It doesn’t mean he’s cleaning up—or out—for you. At the thought, Dane felt fire rise to his cheeks. Before he said something totally stupid, he said, “See you in an hour, then,” and hung up quickly.

*

Seth clicked off the call. He moved into the kitchen, where he’d already established a “junk” drawer in one of the cabinets. He’d filled it with pens, pencils, a guide to his cable TV, instructions for his Mr. Coffee, and what he was looking for—the magazine-thin tristate phone book. He opened it to the yellow pages to find a couple of different pizza places that delivered and wished he had asked Dane for a recommendation.

He chose the one that was truly local—the other was a Papa John’s—called them and placed an order for a large sausage and mushroom. They didn’t ask if he wanted deep dish, stuffed, or thin crust, and Seth remembered, once again, he was no longer in Chicago. He gave his address, and they promised to arrive within the half hour. “That’s fast,” he sputtered, but his order taker had already hung up.

He hurried around the one-bedroom, straightening, swiping his hand across his dusty coffee table, and rinsing and stacking dishes in the sink—the apartment, which looked like it had last been decorated during the Carter administration, did not have a dishwasher. He stripped the bed and put on clean sheets. “You never know!” He laughed at himself. He then stripped down and stepped into the shower.

As he stood under the spray from the showerhead, he told himself this was not a date, as much as he might like it to be. This man he now had to acknowledge he had fallen for was most likely not even ready for a date, especially not with another man. Another man who was his coworker. A romance between the two of them was wrong for all sorts of reasons.

It was a bad idea on so many levels, Seth didn’t even want to try to count. He soaped his ass crack. He soaped his dick and balls and, leaving them lathered, took his razor to them, rinsing and repeating until they were as smooth and hairless as a baby’s bottom. “Not that anyone will be touching them,” he reminded the tile shower enclosure.

After toweling off, he threw open his closet and dresser drawers to try to decide what to wear. “What’s it matter?” he asked himself. “You’re just having a colleague over for dinner. Nothing more.”

Seth pulled out his favorite pair of Levi’s, which were worn and soft, faded to the palest of blues, with the knees pretty much worn away. He knew without looking how they gripped his ass, how the worn denim accentuated and highlighted his crotch. Buttoning them, he repeated, “Yup. Just having a colleague over for dinner. Wait a minute, didn’t I forget underwear? Ah well, it’s too late now.” He looked down to see the outline of his cock head in the denim. “Naughty,” he whispered and watched as the head inched upward a bit, as though he’d called it by name.

And maybe he had.

He paired the jeans with a navy-blue V-neck cashmere sweater that showed off his pec muscles and broad shoulders to very good advantage, if he said so himself. And he did.

He looked through the shoes lined up under his bed and, in the end, decided on bare feet.

“It’s just a casual night in with a fellow teacher. We’ll discuss what our favorite novels are to teach, which ones really get the kids involved.”

Seth jumped when he heard the buzz of the intercom from downstairs. He looked out the window, in spite of the fact that the building’s call box was in an alcove. All he saw was the darkened streets and fountain below, the blinking yellow traffic light crying out that this was a town where nothing ever happened—not even a car crash. He’d learned quickly that the talk-and-listen feature of the little box next to his front door no longer worked, so he simply buzzed in whoever was down there, thinking it could only be one of two people: the delivery person or Dane.

It seemed too early for either.

He listened at the door for the trudge of footsteps on the stairs and then in his rose-patterned carpeted hallway. When those footfalls reached his front door, he swung the door open with a big grin. Man or pizza—both were good reasons to smile.

But the smile flickered out quickly when Seth saw who was standing there.

“What the fuck?” Seth asked.

*

Dane parked his car around the corner from Seth’s building. Although it was called the Little Building, it was, at four stories, the tallest building in Summitville’s dying downtown.

The night was not as bitter cold as it had been, even though it was clear. The black sky above him was sprinkled with stars. A crescent moon shone its silvery glow down on him as he hurried to Seth’s front entrance. He clutched a tall brown paper sack in his hand. In it was a bottle of Chianti. He thought it might remind Seth of their dinner together last week at D’Angelo’s.

He buzzed and was surprised when the front door clicked to grant him entrance. He climbed the four stories up to the number he’d taken note of on the directory, six, and waited a moment before raising his hand to knock.

But he never had the chance to do so, because Seth swung the door open. Dane would have liked to think it was eagerness that caused him to open the door before Dane had the chance to signal his arrival. But the smile planted on Seth’s face told him otherwise—it looked panicked, terrified, a mockery of everything a smile was supposed to be.

“Hey,” Seth said, his voice a trembling quake. “You made it.”

Dane gave him a wary smile. “Yeah…” He moved to try to peer over Seth’s shoulder into the apartment and was surprised when Seth took a step to the right to block that view.

“Listen, Dane, I’m really sorry, but something’s come up. I’m gonna have to give you a rain check. The next pizza and the wine or beer is all on me!” He smiled hugely. Brightly. And falsely.

“What’s going on?” Dane could feel his eyebrows moving toward each other in the center of his forehead.

“Nothing.” That big fake smile again.

“Cut it out.” Dane felt sick to his stomach. He had no idea what was going on, but all the signs were there to tell him he shouldn’t like it. His happy mood evaporated.

Seth was beginning to close the door when another voice piped up from behind Dane.

“Yo! Someone left the door open downstairs. Pizza comin’ through!”

Dane turned to see a slender young man with light brown hair and a few whiskers on his chin approach them. He wore a stocking cap and a fleece-lined denim jacket. He had a butterfly tattoo on his neck. His right hand held a large pizza box aloft. As he drew closer, Dane could smell the tomato sauce, the cheese, and the spices. It should have made his mouth water, but all it did was nauseate him. He felt even sicker when he looked back and saw that Seth had gone white.

Seth gave a sickly grin to the delivery guy.

“That’ll be $26.50, dude.” He took a breath, grinned, and said, “Before tip, of course.”

“I’ll be right back.” Seth turned, closing the door behind him. But not all the way…

Dane knew it was wrong, disrespectful, and certainly none of his business, but he couldn’t seem to help himself as he gave the door a gentle tap with his fingertips. He couldn’t help it if the door swung open of its own accord.

He leaned in a bit to see into the apartment.

There, on the couch opposite the front door, sat a very handsome young man. He had a compact frame, but it looked bulked up and muscular. His dark hair was buzzed on the sides and longer on top, in a style Dane had heard the kids refer to as “high and tight.” Dark eyes appraised Dane back. He wore a scoop-necked green T-shirt and a pair of khaki-colored jogging pants. Nike high-tops were kicked off and lay, one up and one on its side, next to his long, stretched-out legs.

He looked very much at home.

Seth came back. He grinned at Dane, but it was one of the sickliest-looking grins Dane had ever borne witness to—ever. As Seth held out a twenty and a ten to the delivery guy, Dane noticed Seth’s hands trembled.

“Thanks, dude. Enjoy your pie.” The delivery person hurried off, and Dane watched him with a combination of longing and relief.

He turned back to Seth and cocked his head. “I know I have no right to ask—”

Seth held his free hand up to cut him off. “You do have a right. You were invited over here tonight, and it’s only natural to wonder what the hell’s going on.” He jerked his head backward to indicate the guy on the couch. “I’m really sorry, but I had a completely unexpected person show up.” He leaned in a little closer to Dane. “That’s Luke. My ex.”

Dane felt the bottom drop out of his stomach. “Oh,” he said, his voice dry and husky.

“It’s not like you think,” Seth said.

“I didn’t think anything!” Dane cried.

“Whatever. I just meant he was not invited here. You were.”

“It’s okay, Seth. He can come in. There’s enough pizza to go around,” Luke called from the couch. There was a touch of laughter, of mocking in his words, as though he not only caught the implications of the charged exchange between the two men in the doorway but was also amused by it.

Seth glanced over his shoulder, then back at Dane. If eyes could plead, his were doing just that. “I’m so sorry,” he said. He reached out to touch Dane’s shoulder. And without quite knowing why, Dane reared back.

“Yeah. I know. You told me. What do you want me to do?” Dane knew what he wanted Seth to do. Throw the gorgeous hunk on the couch out and invite me in.

Once that piece of business was accomplished, maybe they could sit down together and try to pick up the pieces and continue to move forward. He realized the rising symphony of emotions going on within him, making him feel both sick and enraged, could all be filed under j for jealousy. He wanted this Luke person out, right now, even though he knew he had no right to wish or hope for such a thing.

He was confused, though, by his jealousy. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt that particular green-eyed emotion with such intensity.

“I think it might be better if you’d just go home tonight. Rain check?” Seth held the pizza box out to him. “Here. Take this home to your kids.”

“And what will we eat?” Luke wondered loudly from the couch.

Seth rolled his eyes. He stepped out into the hallway and shut the door behind him. “Look. I don’t want him here. I swear I didn’t ask him here. If I had had any warning at all he was coming, I would have told him to stay in Chicago, where he belongs. He just showed up—unannounced—about fifteen minutes ago. He drove all the way from Chicago. I can’t just send him away.”

Dane wanted to whine “Why not? You invited me first.” But he realized how childish it sounded before the words even got to his lips. “I understand,” Dane said, even though he didn’t. “What does this mean?”

“It doesn’t mean anything.” Seth shrugged. “It means circumstances beyond our control derailed our evening together.” Seth leaned over and kissed Dane quickly on the lips. “I’ll make it up to you, I swear. And again, this doesn’t mean a thing.”

Dane eyed Seth warily. “No? Someone drives, what, seven, eight hours just to see you and it doesn’t mean anything? Don’t BS me. At least give me that much credit.”

“Seriously, Dane. I didn’t ask him here. I don’t want him here. I was looking forward—so much—to our evening together. But now that he’s here, I have to deal with him.”

Dane looked Seth up and down and, for the first time, noticed how good he looked. It heaped sadness onto his jealousy.

“I could wait,” Dane offered. “There’s the DanDee Bar just down the street. I’ll go have a beer. You could call me when he’s gone.” Dane felt like his desperation showed. And he didn’t care.

Seth shook his head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” He pressed the pizza box more firmly into Dane’s hands. “Take this home. Enjoy it with your kids. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

Dane looked down at the pizza box as though it were something else—he didn’t know what. A concrete block, maybe, a piece of the sidewalk, a fallen star. He looked back up at Seth, wondering if the anguish he felt was obvious on his face. He felt sick to his stomach as the thought occurred to him that Luke might spend the night with Seth. Even if he stayed on the couch, the thought still made him want to be sick. “Okay. Sure,” Dane said. What else could he say?

He turned away, expecting Seth to say “Oh, wait. What am I thinking? You can come in. Luke was just leaving,” or words to that effect. Instead all he heard was the door close behind him.

He stared at the shut door for a long time, a hopeful little boy inside him waiting for it to reopen. When, after about five long minutes, it didn’t, Dane walked away, head hung low.

*

Seth sat on the opposite end of the couch from Luke, as far away as he could get. The two men had barely had a chance to talk when Dane arrived, when the pizza delivery showed up.

Luke nudged Seth with his foot. “Why’d you get rid of that pizza? It smelled good.”

Seth glared at his ex. “What are you doing here?”

Luke held his hands up in a defenseless posture and gave him the smile that had once melted Seth’s heart. “Hey! Is that how you treat a guy who drives seven and a half hours on a sometimes treacherous turnpike to see you?”

Seth settled back into the couch, letting his head loll back into the cushions. He pressed a hand to his eyes. “Yeah,” he said. “You weren’t just ‘in the neighborhood,’ so let’s talk about why you’re here.”

The silence that stretched out after that was so long, Seth finally opened his eyes once more and turned a little, so that his back was against the arm of the couch and he was facing Luke. One thing he could never take away from the man was that he was a hunk, a hottie, a gorgeous specimen fit for the gods. But that’s all he was. Seth had discovered, the hard and heartbreaking way, that Luke was an empty vessel, a pretty package with nothing inside.

“I came all this way,” Luke said softly, his deep voice velvet, “to tell you how sorry I am that I fucked up. To tell you I still love you.” He reached over and grabbed Seth’s arm and squeezed it. “And I want you back.”

Seth gave a bitter laugh. “You want me back? Really? After what we went through, after the way you hurt me?”

“Yes.” Luke stood up and moved so he sat right next to Seth, their bodies aligned. He slid his arm around Seth’s shoulders, pulling him close. “That guy was nothing to me. He was a mistake. That’s all. I learn from my mistakes, sweetheart. It’ll—”

“Never happen again,” Seth finished for him.

Luke let out an abashed chuckle. “Yeah. I know, I know. That’s what every cheater says, but I really mean it. I’ve been desperate for you since you’ve been gone. I’ve felt lost, unmoored. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. The world’s just not right without my Seth in it.”

Even as Seth thought the lines were bullshit, a small part of him was hungry for them and ate them up. He hated himself for that.

When Luke moved that gorgeous face of his in for a kiss, Seth, as always, didn’t know if he could resist. He lifted his face, parted his lips…

*

Dane tossed and turned. And then he turned and tossed. Then he angrily punched the pillows upright against the headboard of his bed and sat up, sighing. Through all the dark hours, he had tormented himself with thoughts of them together. He couldn’t blame Seth for wanting to get back together with Luke. The guy was model material, worthy of a runway or some photo shoot for a men’s fitness magazine. He was hot with a capital H.

Dane visualized them in all sorts of positions. Positions he had gleaned from all the porn he had surreptitiously watched on his computer over the years. There was Seth on his back, his legs on Luke’s rippling shoulders. Here was Luke on his back, holding his giant, glistening cock up so Seth could slide down on it. There they were, in a sixty-nine. Doggie style. Reverse cowboy.

Each variation taunted and sickened Dane, making the very idea of sleep impossible.

At last, sitting up, legs apart, staring into the pitch darkness of the room, he was able to force his mind away from the mental pornographic loop playing endlessly and question why he was feeling such jealousy.

He hadn’t really allowed himself to think it until tonight, until life and its endless and often cruel surprises forced the realization out into the open.

You’re in love with Seth.

There. He’d thought it. In so many words.

And his timing was impeccable. Just when he realized he could, and did, love another man, that love was usurped by someone who looked like Joe Manganiello and Christopher Meloni had a baby and it grew up to be Luke.

What chance did oversized, dowdy Dane have against a stud like Luke?

None! Get serious.

His mind returned to the fantasies that made him want to vomit. In this one, Luke’s come was spurting all over Seth’s face and Seth was hungrily trying to catch some of the copious white with his tongue.

In spite of himself, Dane got hard and stared down with horror at the erection that had sprung up in his boxers.

Just then his phone, next to him on the nightstand and silenced for the night, made the brr noise that indicated an incoming call. It moved a little across the smooth wood surface as it vibrated.

“Who the hell?” Dane wondered, hoping and wishing. He picked up the phone and saw two things simultaneously: Seth was calling, and it was a little after 2:00 a.m.

He accepted the call. “What?”

“You awake?”

“No, sound asleep. What are you doing?”

“Come over? Please.”

It had been a long time since Dane had heard words that made him so happy. He suddenly felt invigorated, like a teenager again. “I’ll be right there.”

He leaped from the bed and began gathering up his jeans and T-shirt from the floor where he’d left them in despair, not even three hours ago.

*

Seth remembered Luke moving in for that kiss. He recalled how freighted with promise that kiss was, and he knew, without consciously thinking it, that if he opened his mouth and let Luke’s tongue in, he was doing more than just kissing the man; he was letting him back into his life.

And that he could not do.

He recoiled, leaning back from Luke, and shouted, “No!”

“No?” Luke’s astonishment said he seldom heard the word, especially from a gay man he was about to kiss.

“No.” Seth pushed him away and forced himself to stand, even though his knees felt so weak he worried they wouldn’t support him. But his knees, and his resolve, were both fine—and strong.

“You gotta get out of here.”

“Baby, baby. What are you talking about? Sit down. Let’s discuss this. I came all this way…” Luke gave him what Seth supposed he imagined was one of his most seductive looks.

“Yes, you did. And I didn’t ask you to.” Seth crossed the room, putting at least another six feet between them. “What you decide is not my problem.” He pulled out one of his vinyl-covered chairs from the dinette set and sat on it. Its hardness was a comfort. “Don’t hold me responsible for what you decide to do on a whim. Contrary to popular belief, Luke, you’re not as irresistible as you think.”

Luke snorted.

Seth pondered for a long time before he allowed himself to speak the words on his mind. “But I do forgive you.”

Luke’s face, surprised, lit up in a genuine smile. “Really?”

Seth nodded. “Yeah.”

“That’s great.” Luke patted the couch beside him. “Come back here.” Soft. Seductive.

Seth would be lying if he said he wasn’t tempted. Luke was so gorgeous it was hard to say no.

But Seth loved someone else.

And Luke needed to hear all he had to say, so he stayed rooted in his chair. “I forgive you, Luke. But I don’t forgive you for you, I forgive you for me.” He let his eyes meet Luke’s, holding his gaze. He could see something dawn on Luke’s face, something like understanding, and it made Seth a little sad. “I need to forgive you to let you go. A wise man once told me”—Seth smiled, and he hoped it conveyed kindness and not triumph—“that the opposite of love isn’t hate. It’s indifference.” He did get up from the chair then and moved to sit on the couch with Luke, but not too close.

“I’m glad you made the trip, actually, because having you here, in this moment, allowed me to let go.”

Luke tore his gaze away from Seth’s and simply stared straight ahead, at the opposite wall. “Gee. I’m so glad I came. Glad I could help,” Luke said.

And there’s the man I’m lucky to be getting away from. Seth had felt a little guilty, a little saddened, but no more. He realized he’d always known, somewhere deep down, that while Luke had a big dick, his heart was tiny. He thought only of himself. And Luke’s need to reunite? It was nothing more than ego driven, a balm to apply to his rejected soul. Seth recalled Luke telling him once, early in their relationship, that no one had ever broken up with him. “If anyone does the breaking up, it’s always me.” In retrospect Seth could see there was both a little pride in the statement and a warning. How dare Seth have the nerve to leave him!

There really wasn’t a lot more to say. Finally, true to form, Luke asked a selfish question.

“Can I at least crash here tonight? I’m too beat to drive all the way back, and I’m too strapped to stay in a motel.”

Seth could just imagine how Luke would use the quiet hours of the middle of the night to try to make some more moves on him, when he was most vulnerable. But Seth had other plans. He got up and went over to the kitchen counter, where he’d left his wallet after paying for the pizza. He rummaged inside and brought out three twenties. He pressed them into Luke’s hands. “Summitville motels aren’t nearly as expensive as Chicago’s. This ought to get you a river view at the Vista, out on Route 7, just five minutes from here. My treat. Sleep well and say hello to Chicago for me when you get back.”

Luke looked down at the cash, then back at Seth. “You’re a dick,” he said softly.

“Okay. And now I need you to go.”

They said nothing as Luke slunk from the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

And now he waited for the intercom to sound to tell him that his real lover had arrived.

He would answer the door naked.

*

Dane waited impatiently downstairs. He still clutched the bottle of Chianti in one hand, but he doubted very much they’d need it. He laughed out loud, the sound of it strange, floating on the deserted and silent downtown streets.

He felt like he was eighteen and told himself, You know what this is? It’s a booty call. An honest-to-God, middle-of-the-night booty call! He laughed again, this time a little higher, maybe bordering just a tad on hysterical. He never imagined he’d find himself in such a situation, at least not now, not yet, not with someone he worked with.

But love and lust, Dane was learning, did not always work in tandem with that other l-word, logic. And thank God for that! He shifted his weight impatiently from one foot to the other as he waited for the click of the front door that would admit him to Seth’s building.

And Seth’s mouth, his lips, his dick.

His heart.

The click sounded, telling Dane the door was unlocked and he was free to enter. He placed one hand on the door, pulled it open partway, and stopped.

“Oh my God,” he said aloud, just as a can skittered along on the sidewalk behind him, reminding him of what a ghost town Summitville became after midnight or so, maybe even earlier. “Oh my God, I have no experience. Not with a guy!” The titters came again, and this time they were hysterical. “I can’t do this! I’ll look like a fool. He’s used to guys like Luke! Me? Are you kidding? He’ll have to show me how to do everything, like some green boy. I’m not what he wants!” He said the words whispering, fast, and realized that if someone could overhear him, they would think he was completely off his rocker.

Dane contemplated just letting the door slam, fleeing into the night. He realized, much to his giddy horror, that when it came to gay sex, he was a virgin. A fucking virgin, in both the literal and colloquial senses. He couldn’t go through with this.

The door clicked again, letting Dane know Seth was pressing his intercom entry button again and probably wondering why Dane wasn’t at his door already.

You don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for. You can just go in there and talk to the man. Get to know him better. Maybe a little touching, a kiss… His dick rose in his pants a bit at this last thought, and that gave him the courage to enter the building and mount the stairs. His little internal pep talk sounded like something he’d say to one of his students or, God forbid, his kids. And that thought made his dick wilt a little.

Still, he continued up the stairs.

Seth waited at the door for him. He wasn’t wearing a stitch. Dane couldn’t help it. The dizzy laughter rose up in him like a horde of bees, undeniable, and he doubled over, barely able to catch his breath.

Seth stepped back. “Well,” he said nervously. “That wasn’t quite the reaction I’d hoped for.” He stepped back a little farther and slid the door open a little wider. “I guess I need to get myself to the gym. Pronto.”

“No, no.” Dane held his hand up, trying to rein in the laughter and catch his breath. Tears poured down his cheeks. He was laughing so hard he wondered if it could lead to something cataclysmic, like a heart attack. “It’s not that. You’re beautiful. Perfect.” He managed to choke the words out between breaths, between dying bursts of laughter.

He paused at the doorway, face-to-face with Seth. “You still want me to come in?”

“Of course. Get in here.”

Dane stepped inside, and Seth closed the door behind him. Even in the soft glow of candles Seth had set up around the room, Dane could see that Seth’s face was beet red. Seth hurried away, presumably into his bedroom, and returned moments later wearing a white terry-cloth bathrobe. He snatched the bottle of wine from Dane’s hand.

“What gives, man?”

Dane could detect a note of anger in Seth’s voice. He didn’t blame him. What man wants hysterical laughter as the response to his naked body?

Dane made for the couch, grateful to be able to sit down. He allowed himself a few moments to just sit and breathe—in and out—before responding. At last he patted the couch next to him. “Sit down, sit down. Open that wine if you want.”

“I think we both need it. School night or not.” Seth disappeared into the kitchen. Dane heard a door open and close, the pop of the cork being removed from the bottle, and then the glug-glug-glug of glasses being filled.

He returned, sat down next to Dane, and handed him a glass. He didn’t toast, and under the circumstances, Dane thought that was entirely appropriate. He took a gulp of the red and was grateful for its warmth and immediate calming influence.

“Look, Seth, I’m sorry I laughed. It wasn’t at you.”

“What was it, then?” Seth snapped. “With me?”

“No! No, of course not. You don’t understand.” Dane fixed him with an expression that he hoped conveyed not only his sorrow but also his confusion and despair. Dane put it baldly. “I’m just scared. My nerves got the better of me.”

“Scared?”

“Yes! Yes, I’ve never, I’ve never, I’ve never…” he trailed off. Now, instead of laughter, he feared crying. No, he wouldn’t let himself.

“You’ve never what?” A light bulb popped on above Seth’s head, and his lips turned up in a small smile. “Never been with a man?” he finished.

Dane shook his head and gulped down the rest of his wine. He leaned forward to refill his glass.

“I just thought—” Seth started to say.

Dane finished for him. “That I what? Had secret experiences behind my wife’s back? Or maybe, to give me some credit, played around a bit before I settled down and got married? Is that what you thought?”

“Well, yeah. I can’t imagine having an attraction like ours and never acting on it, especially when you’re in your twenties.”

“Katy and I got married when we were just out of college. Even in high school, we were the ‘it’ couple, from freshman year on. We lost our virginity to each other when we were both fifteen. It was fun. Hell, when you’re that age, any sex is fun.” Dane shrugged. “We always had an okay sex life, but toward the end, I thought more and more about men, and sometimes, in order to follow through, you know, I needed to fantasize.”

“That she was a man?”

“God, no!” Dane chuckled. “Katy was too much of a woman for that. And it wouldn’t have felt right for me. I would have felt like I was cheating.” He shrugged. “I imagined I was this hot straight guy.”

He peered into Seth’s eyes, Seth supposed, for understanding.

“It worked for me.”

“So you never, ever acted on it? Back when I was first coming out, I used to cruise some of the lakefront parks in Chicago, and half the guys I hooked up with were married. I guess I just assumed you did something like that. Sorry for making assumptions.”

“No. No, it’s not an unreasonable thing to think. I even know there’s a rest area out on Route 7 where guys meet up to exchange blowjobs.” Dane snorted. “Some folks around here refer to it as ‘Lollipop Park.’ I can’t say I wasn’t tempted to check it out once or twice…or more. But I could never go through with it. My family always meant too much. I mean, what if I got caught, got arrested? A high school teacher? In this little burg? Can you imagine?”

Seth leaned forward and touched Dane’s knee, which sent something akin to an electric jolt through him. “I can’t, Dane. I really can’t. Most of my life has been spent out of the closet. I never even really had a girlfriend, not a serious one, anyway.”

“So you never…?”

“What? Had sex with a woman? God, no. And I can’t imagine that either, nor would I want to try.” Seth gave a mock shiver. “I don’t even know if I could.”

“Now, now. It’s not that bad.” Dane drank some more wine, a little slower this time. It was relaxing him, or maybe it was finally opening up to someone about who he really was that was doing the relaxing. “I just realized, when you called me up in the middle of the night and asked me over, that it would be for more than hot chocolate and cookies.”

“What kind of cookies?” Seth wondered. “Because I do have some Chips Ahoy in the kitchen.”

“Shut up.” Dane punched Seth in the arm.

“Ouch.” Seth rubbed at his shoulder.

“I got really nervous. I am really nervous.” Dane searched Seth’s eyes for a glimmer of understanding. He was relieved to find some there, along with a measure of kindness.

Seth took one of Dane’s hands and held it fast. Dane could never have imagined that holding hands could be so sexy. The heat, the smoothness of Seth’s palm, were things Dane wanted to savor.

“You don’t ever have to be nervous with me, Dane. We can go as fast or as slow as you like. You can leave right now, and we can try this again after some dating, or do you call it courting around here?” He snickered. “Seriously. We can take our time. Start off with a kiss, like this.” And Seth leaned forward and very gently kissed Dane’s lips, just letting his tongue flick the top lip for an instant at the very end. He leaned back. “Or we can go faster.” His face morphed into an evil grin. “There’s no pressure, is what I want to say. If, or when, we’re together—and I do hope it’s when—it should be about having fun, pleasure, being close. None of those things are stuff you should get uptight about.

“And in case you’re wondering, I am totally cool with your virginity. I’m a teacher, for crying out loud.” He grinned. “So I won’t mind showing you the way. Making you do it over and over again until I’m sure you have it right.” He touched Dane’s face. “You’re such a beautiful man. You know something?”

Dane wasn’t able to speak, so he just shook his head.

“The moment I saw you, in the school parking lot, on my first day, I was a goner. I hate to sound all mushy and everything, but I think I fell for you in that moment…with the snow coming down all around you.” He sighed a little. “Just this gentle giant that seemed not only in command of himself but also, somehow, enormously kind and compassionate.” Seth drew in a breath and then said, “And so, so sexy.”

He leaned in and kissed Dane again, this time for longer. Dane allowed his tongue to slip between his lips, and Dane kissed back. The stubble on Seth’s face, curious and strange after years of only feeling Katy’s smooth skin against his own, was powerful and intoxicating.

Dane had no words. He leaned back into the couch, letting the taste of Seth, his kiss, linger on his lips with his eyes closed. He wanted him to do it again. And again. Forever.

But another part of him told him that now would be a good time to go home. It had to be getting close to dawn, and he didn’t want to be gone when Clarissa and Joey awoke. He and Seth had opened a door tonight, and he felt that portal had given them entrance to many rooms, which would take a long time to explore.

Dane surprised himself by saying, “Maybe we could just go in your bedroom and lie down for a bit?”

Seth grinned at him. “Just lie down? For a bit?”

Dane nodded. “Baby steps.”

“Okay, tiger. I’m buying what you’re selling.” Seth stood and tugged Dane up by his hand. He led him into his bedroom, blowing out all but two candles as they headed toward the threshold. He let go of Dane’s hand and lifted the two votive candles, letting their flickering light lead them both into the dark bedroom.

They stopped next to the bed. Dane could feel his heart, its beat staccato, pounding against his chest. He sucked in some air when Seth let his robe drop to the floor and stood before him, strong, erect, naked. Dane tried to swallow and found it difficult.

“Wow,” Dane murmured.

“We’re just gonna lie down,” Seth said, and did so.

Dane struggled out of his own clothes and lay beside him, Seth’s naked body a silken thing next to him, a gift. He drank him in, like a man who hasn’t had a meal in ages: the furry chest, the line of hair that led down to his cock and balls, his strong, muscular legs. All of it had a sense of unreality about it. It was as though Dane had fantasized this image a million times and now was seeing it with not only his mind’s eye, but also his real eyes. And for once, reality surpassed fantasy.

He gently let his hand, barely touching, glide across the fur of Seth’s chest. “You’re beautiful,” he whispered.

“And so are you.”

There was no need to ask for a kiss. They simply came together, one body, one desire, no more hesitation. Briefly, in their coupling and the igniting of their passion, Dane had a thought. Why, there’s really nothing to know here. I didn’t need to worry. This is natural—just hang on for dear life and…enjoy. But then even that thought was wiped away by the ecstasy and language of the lips and the tongue, the hands, and the dicks…which fit together so much better than Dane could have ever imagined.

Their passion, like a wave, rose as they hungrily consumed each other’s mouth, then neck, working their way downward in synchronization until they both found they had the other’s cock in his mouth. The taste of Seth’s dick was so good, so natural, nothing odd… It was like coming home for Dane.

And he suspected Seth felt the same too, as he shot jet after jet of come into Dane’s mouth, which he swallowed…hungrily.

After, they fell asleep for a bit, Dane’s come and their warmth gluing them together and lulling them away.

The light filtering into the room was gray when Dane woke. He kissed Seth’s closed eyelids and sat up. “My kids. I have to get home. But we’ll do this again. Soon.” He grinned.

Seth mumbled sleepily, “Promise.”

“Oh yes.” Dane groped on the floor for his jeans. “Tonight?”

“Mm-hmm,” Seth murmured. “And every night you’re up for it.”

Dane chuckled. “I’ll be back.” He leaned in, tenderly kissed Seth’s lips, and then got up and headed to the front door.

And the most curious thing? He didn’t feel the floor beneath his feet.