There’s a knock at the door, and I ignore it, stirring the sauce on the stove, hoping they’ll go away. Then I hear the sound of a high-pitched giggly squeal.
Fucking Bizzy.
I go to look through the peephole and know I’m in trouble. Brinley is front and center, wearing a god-awful bow on top of her head. Her grey-blue eyes are sparkling as she swipes at the door with her little fist.
I swing it open and reach for my girl, hoping to close her mom out. No such luck. Grace is ready, lunging forward, Bizzy following as she hands off the baby.
I snuggle Brinley close, carefully remove the bow, and wonder if I can escape before they catch me.
“Don’t even think about kidnapping my daughter. Shaw would shit a brick and possibly kill you,” Bizzy informs me as she drops her bag and, in two point five seconds, has a pallet on the floor with toys for the baby. “Give her to me.”
“No, how did you get up here?” I hold Brinley closer as Bizzy approaches.
“Long story short, I called your parents.”
“You called my parents?” I screech, and Brinley stills in my arms, her little face scrunching into what is likely to be a wail.
Bizzy whips her away from me, pops a binkie in her mouth, and lays her on the floor to roll back and forth.
“Yes! I could hardly remember how to get here, considering last time I was practically comatose and wrapped in grief.”
“What did you tell them?” My stomach pitches to my feet.
“I told them the truth, you disappeared and I needed you.”
“I didn’t disappear. I’ve been answering every message and I’m fine. The last thing I need is my parents worrying about me and Mathis.”
“Too late, I told them it was going to be handled, and they gave me full access to this condo.”
“I’m actually pissed about this,” Grace pipes in.
“Why are you pissed?”
“Last year, when Nick and I were broken up, you didn’t offer it to me before I left town. You knew how I felt about staying with him.”
“Come on, Peach Princess, you know Nick had a plan. He wouldn’t let me hide you away for five seconds. Considering you’re incubating another human, I’d think you’d be more appreciative.”
“There it is.” Grace high-fives Bizzy.
“There what is?” I’m confused.
“Your sass proves you’re normal.”
“Of course, I’m normal!”
“I had to make sure.”
“Why?”
“Because we are intrusive and highly inappropriate at times, and we needed to make sure we were dealing with the real Claire.”
I stare at them stunned. Grace used my exact phrase from long ago when she was trying to leave Nick and we intervened. They stand shoulder to shoulder, watching me for a reaction, and all I can do is shrug, knowing it’s payback.
“Fine, I’m going to get a drink.” I turn to the kitchen. “You can’t have anything because you’re up-the-duff, but Bizzy, you want something?”
“I’ll have what you’re having.” She goes to the sofa, shooting me a look I know well.
I’m screwed. I knew this was coming, but I was hoping for at least a few more days to prepare. Breaking up with Mathis is hard enough, but now I have to assure my friends that everything will be okay.
I pour two large glasses of wine, returning to the living room to inquiring eyes.
“We broke up, it’s okay. Everyone will be fine.” I hand Bizzy one glass and tuck my legs under myself on the couch. “It’s no big deal.”
“No big deal? You’ve been together for ages. You told us yourself how crazy you were about him. This is a very big deal.”
“I’m still crazy about him. He’s a great guy, but that doesn’t mean we’re meant to be. “
“You can quit acting blasé, Claire. I know you’re hurting.”
“I’m not denying that. It fucking sucks. Even though I’ve never really been through a break-up before, I suspect most people feel this same way.”
They exchange a look I read instantly. Time to convince them I’ll be fine, so they’ll leave and I can go back to moping.
“Girls, you don’t need to get involved. This is going to be clean. No dramatics, no awkwardness, and no choosing sides. Mathis and I will continue to work together. We’re all close, and this will not interfere with our friendships.”
“When I thought I lost Shaw, I’ve never felt that kind of anguish,” Bizzy shares.
“I know, I was there, and that’s exactly why this isn’t going to be a big thing,” I try to reassure her.
“When Nick broke things off with me, I didn’t stop crying for days. My heart actually broke.” Grace’s voice is packed with pain.
“I remember that, too.”
“Why are you so calm?”
“Because my situation is different. Nick and Shaw would stop at nothing to prove their love. Mathis and I are different.”
“Different how?” Bizzy questions.
“He doesn’t love me like that. I’m not sure he ever will. It finally dawned on me that what we had was full of comfort and familiarity. Our schedules were crazy. He’s in high demand with his job, and I’m a night nurse. We had security in each other.”
“That sounds awful,” Grace says softly. “We want the story, the whole story. None of us know what happened.”
“You know enough. We had history, left it alone, and then picked it back up. It didn’t work. That’s the story.” I chug my wine, knowing I gave the lamest explanation in history.
“Claire, everything. Every detail, every moment, every fucking conversation, I want it all,” Bizzy insists.
“Why is that important?” I slice my eyes to Brinley, who’s falling asleep on the blanket, and I wish I could join her.
“Either you tell us, or I go against the best friend rule book and call Shaw. He and Mathis will be here in the blink of an eye.”
“You can’t do that.”
“Then spill.”
Grace gets up, goes to the kitchen, and I hear her sifting through cabinets, ice clinking, and the sound of the fridge opening. The entire time, Bizzy and I hold our stare-down. She’s unrelenting, and the air between us changes the minute Grace sits, putting a wine chiller in the middle of the table.
“We love you, Claire, and we respected the past, knowing you two were finally a couple. But now, it’s time we understand,” Grace says softly.
It’s in my head to tell her she has no fucking clue. She’ll never spend years yearning over a man who can’t love her the way I love Mathis. Bizzy could possibly fathom my emotions because she loved Shaw for ten years before they got together. But I can’t hurt Grace that way. She’s trying to help.
So, I talk, starting the night I met Mathis, moving from the beginning to two nights ago.
Two bottles of wine carry into three, maybe four. The only interruptions are Grace getting up to prepare a bottle for Brinley, turn off my stove, and replenish the wine. There are tears, lots of tears, but none are mine.
By the time I get to Mathis telling me ‘it isn’t working,’ Bizzy is bawling. Grace is holding a sleeping Brinley, and her own tears are streaming.
“You can understand now, I’m not a Bennett girl.”
“You ARE such a Bennett girl!” they both screech-whisper. “You’re the epitome of a Bennett girl!”
I shrug, finding no use in arguing a moot point.
“Claire, I’m not defending him, but did you ever talk to Mathis and tell him how you felt? You’ve been holding back a huge piece of yourself, which isn’t exactly fair to him. Maybe he didn’t have a clue you were harboring resentment from all those years ago.”
“No, I didn’t tell him that. I was too infatuated with the fact we finally were an item. I’d waited years for him. The last thing I wanted was to chase him away. It was best to bury it and enjoy what we had.”
“You had a packed bag and left nothing behind. Being together for such a long time, it was too easy for you to leave. That doesn’t sound like a woman who was enjoying herself.”
“I can’t expect either of you to understand. What we had worked.”
“Shaw says he’s upset, Claire. I think you need to talk to him.”
“Of course, he’s upset. I’d be shocked if he wasn’t. We had an incredible sex life. We had a ton of fun together because, even though we’re opposites, our personalities played off each other. Not to mention, we were surrounded by amazing family and friends and work together at jobs we both love. Like I stated earlier, comfort and familiarity.”
“He deserves to hear all this from you, know how you feel.”
“I’ll call him tomorrow; however, it’s not worth dredging this up. It won’t change anything now.”
“You don’t know that. Maybe there’s a chance.”
I can hear the underlying hope in Bizzy’s voice and recognize it on Grace’s face. There’s one way I can make them understand.
“He watched me try online dating without a word. He saw me when Bizzy was in her accident and could have died. He let me go to Charlotte without a care. And, for the last fifteen months, he’s watched me come and go with my overnight bag, not once suggesting I unpack it.”
“How did we miss all this? Why didn’t you talk to us?” Sympathy, hurt, anguish… it’s all obvious in Bizzy’s question.
“At first, there was nothing to talk about, then as our relationship went on, things have always been crazy. Grace ran away then got engaged and married. You had shared custody of a newborn and were adjusting to a new life. Then you got pregnant and had Brinley. Not to mention the Super Bowl. It’s been busy.”
“I can’t believe I didn’t see the signs. You needed me.”
“I hope I always need you,” I whisper honestly.
“What can we do?” Grace whispers back.
“Nothing, it’s done. Mathis is the most wonderful man in the world. He’s a kick-ass doctor, an excellent person, and an amazing friend. We’ll get back to that place. You guys don’t need to worry.”
“How can you just give up?” Bizzy asks.
“I’m not giving up. I’m forcing myself to move on. He doesn’t love me in the way I want to be loved. I’ve had a good time, but he’s given me all he can. We had a great go of things, and I’ll never regret it.”
“What do I do with this? I love him and I love you. You can’t be over.”
“Biz, how long were you with Shaw before he said he loved you?”
“Don’t do that. It’s not fair. We’re a different story.”
I switch my glare to Grace. “How long for you?”
She darts her eyes around the room, avoiding the question.
“See, you both had it all. I thought I had it all, too. I was satisfied with waiting because Mathis is intense. I love him and thought that was enough.
“Claire—” Grace tries to interrupt.
“No, Grace, you don’t understand.” The wine finally kicks in, and my lips are loose. “Your man followed you across the globe. Bizzy and Shaw went through heavy shit, and Shaw made sure she was okay. Mathis let me go over and over. He’s never once made me number one. I jumped him at Bizzy’s wedding, risking years of pent-up aggression. He took me for what it was, for who I was.”
“He finally got his head together. You’ve been a couple ever since,” Grace reasons.
I give her a small smile, knowing she’s trying to make sense of this. “He did, and I have loved every minute with him. We ignite together. That was never a problem, and until recently, I thought it was enough. But something snapped the other night. He said it wasn’t working, and I saw myself in the same position as before. I was ready to bolt. When he told me ‘double occupancy’ was a problem, it was like he was annoyed with the inconvenience. And when I realized I’d never get the true love story, something in me… died. He’s not my guy. Maybe, in truth, I’m not the woman he needs.”
“What about the whole ‘timing doesn’t mean anything to these guys? One week could equal one month, one year, one decade’.” Grace once again repeats what I told her, referring to Nick and Shaw’s rapid speed in their pursuits.
“Peach Princess, it’s been almost six years. I think we can safely say I don’t get that same treatment.” I try to find a way to be strong but choke on my words.
In an instant, Bizzy is on me, her arms around my shoulders, and I do the unthinkable.
I fall apart, clutching to her for comfort. I weep for the years of hurt and sorrow, the times I never let myself mourn the crush I had that was so deep.
“He didn’t want me…” I rasp.
Grace joins us at my side.
“He didn’t chase me… “He let me go on dates, to Charlotte for eight weeks. He didn’t care.” I can’t go on because remembering all the times Mathis has rejected me scorches in my veins. Sobs rack my body. Bizzy and Grace are no help because they’re crying equally as hard.
“Why didn’t you talk to us?” Grace asks in a hoarse voice.
“There was nothing to say.”
“This ends here. You’ve been holding back some pretty deep feelings.”
I pull away from their embrace and wipe my face. “I think it all bubbled to the surface.”
“Are you truly ready for this to be over?”
“No, but I have no choice. My two best friends are married and having children while I’m still having sleepovers with my boyfriend.”
“You have to tell him how you feel,” Grace pleads with me.
“Did you not hear my confession? It won’t change anything.”
“He needs a push. He’s crazy about you.”
I decide this has gone on long enough. It’s time for me to snap back to myself.
“Of course, he’s crazy about me. I’m a kick-ass chick who’s a blast to be around. I’m a fucking catch. Not to mention, he’ll never find another woman who loves giving blow jobs as much as me.”
Grace sucks in a deep breath, her eyes going wide as Bizzy giggles.
“Don’t look shocked, Peach Princess. I know you’re not a virgin.”
She places her hand on her lower belly and laughs.
“That’s better. And, word of caution, let’s never mention the whole crying jag again. It’s you two who are the weepy wimpsters.”
“Your secret is safe with us.” Bizzy squeezes my hand. “You’re always safe with us.”
I reach for the bottle of wine and top off our glasses. “I’m counting on it.”
“Hey.”
“Jesus, Claire, where are you?” Mathis barks through the phone.
“At one of my parents’ condos.”
“Which one?”
“One you have never been to. It’s on the other side of town.”
“What’s the address? I’ll come to you.”
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.” I curl into the sofa, covering myself with a blanket.
“Claire, you’ve been avoiding me for three days. We need to talk.”
“We are talking.”
“This isn’t exactly what I had in mind. I mean face to face where I can actually touch you.”
My heart lunges; the thought of his touch sends a shiver down my spine. I miss the way my skin tingled every time he was near. Less than sixty-seconds on the phone and I’m ready to give in.
Buck up, Claire!
“Mathis, I think we both know what will happen if you come over. We won’t talk and, instead, will end up having sex. You’ll think everything is okay when it isn’t.”
“Is having sex bad?”
“No, but it’s not going to solve what’s wrong.”
“Do you mind explaining to me what is wrong? You left me without much to go on.”
“It’s not working.” The words scorch my tongue saying them out loud.
“What’s not working?”
“That’s what you said. It’s not working.”
He sighs, and I can picture him running his right hand through his hair as he always does when something frustrates him.
“I was talking about our living situation. You were so exhausted when I got home, you didn’t even know where you were. That’s insane. With our schedules, all this going from one place to the other needs to stop.”
I ignore how much his words hurt. He still refers to us living together as a convenience. Bizzy and Claire’s pleas to talk to him replay in my mind, and I forge ahead.
“Do you remember the last time you said ‘it’s not working’?” I ask him, holding my breath.
“I’m sure I say it all the time. I work in medicine.”
“You said it to me that night in Tallahassee when you decided my coming to work at the hospital could jeopardize your status.”
The line is silent for a beat and then he explodes. “Fucking Christ, Claire! That is not what I meant, and you know it. How do you remember that?”
“Because it was one of the most horrible nights of my life. I’ll never forget the words you used,” I tell him honestly.
“I thought we were past this. It was years ago.”
I laugh, but it’s not a laugh of comedy; it’s cynical. “Such a guy thing to say.”
“Claire, this is ridiculous. Tell me the address.”
“No, Mathis, you want to talk, we’ll talk. But I can’t see you right now. You’ve always been my weakness, and now that I’ve made this decision, I can’t be weak.”
“What decision is that?”
“You know,” I barely whisper, my throat closing.
“Dammit. We’re not over. No matter what craziness you have in your head, we are not over.”
“I’m not crazy, Mathis. I’m realistic. We both need to move on.”
“For fuck’s sake! I’m not letting you do this, Claire. We’re good together.”
“Yeah, we were, but I’m not sure we’re going in the same direction.”
“What direction is that? I asked you to move in with me.”
“No! You didn’t.” The fire in my gut begins to flame, and my attitude comes alive. “You told me the double occupancy thing was a pain in your ass! You didn’t ask me shit. You didn’t even do the whole Bennett brother, ‘I’m going to wear you down until I convince you’ thing. You made it sound like an inconvenience.”
“Bennett brother thing?” He sounds confused.
“Yes!”
“What the hell is that?”
“I’m not getting into this, Mathis. Let’s not end on a bad note.”
“As far as I’m concerned, we’re not ending at all. Ever.”
A spark of something stirs inside at the sound of his determination. I’ve heard it before, the night of the football game when he told me he was done fucking around. But I can’t allow myself to hope.
“I’m going to go now. I’ll see you at the hospital.”
“No, Claire, you’ll see me everywhere. Get ready because this isn’t over.”
I hang up before I tumble stupidly into the trap that will undoubtedly shatter me apart again.