GO NINJITSU, GO NINJITSU GO
I wasn’t the only one hearing Carl Douglas’ voice as all of the ninjas looked up, confused too. That was when Cindy and Diabloman walked out of the door I’d just come through, the former holding up a cellphone.
“I just downloaded iThemeMusic as an app on my phone,” Cindy said, cheerfully. “It automatically provides the best possible theme music for superhuman throw-downs!”
“[Kill them!]” Another ninja shouted.
That was when the fight actually broke out. Smashing another ninja over the head with the now-useless shotgun, I proceeded to kick another in the groin before punching another in the face. I wasn’t what you’d call a master martial artist but having gotten my ass kicked repeatedly across the past year, I had picked up a decent amount of self-defense training through sheer survival. I also had been given several pointers by Mandy and Diabloman.
Specifically:
1. The object of the martial arts is to hurt the other guy.
2. There is no such thing as cheating.
Deprived of my fire and frost magic to directly affect them, I froze the ground underneath the ninjas and caused quite a few of them to slip or become unsteady on their feet. I grabbed a kukri knife from one of the fallen ones on the ground before stabbing one in the neck. I kicked that ninja’s dying form into a group of the slipping ninjas, sending them falling to the ground like bowling pins.
One thing I noticed about these ninjas was the fact they disintegrated after they were killed. The ones on the ground at Mandy’s feet faded away like shadows in the sunlight while the ones I killed burned up like flaming paper. I tried to think of any superhumans who had the ability to create temporary ninjas before I was shot in the head.
“Ow,” I said, falling backwards on my ass and suffering from an enormous headache. “That’s buried in my head. Ow. Just barely penetrated my super-tough skin but I am in a lot of pain. I can also taste sounds. Weird, a man screaming in pain is butterscotch.”
“Die, Gaijin!” The ninja who shot me stood over me, raising his gun to my head for an even closer shot.
The bullet popped out of my head and I slashed across his femoral artery, causing him to bleed out black fluid before dropping his gun. The ninja disappeared again, burning up like so much dried paper set on fire.
“Okay, now these guys are just starting to piss me off,” I muttered, trying not to deal with the fact I’d just been shot in the head and was getting up. I knew my powers were growing but it seemed they were doing so in a way that involved making it easier for me to survive getting my ass kicked.
Beside me, Cindy had taken out her enchanted ax and was slashing her way through the ninjas to the dance tune going on around us. Diabloman broke necks, tossed around ninjas like ragdolls, and even crushed the heads of two together. Mandy kicked, punched, and even broke the neck of one with her thighs—a move I was certain she was doing for me because that couldn’t be an actual fighting move. A few of the remaining ninjas split in two to create more fodder to fight but they were taken out as well. Eventually, there was only one.
Mandy advanced on the guy, who was standing there with his arms raised, but I put my hand in front of her. “No, there’s a narrative law about these things. It’s easy to kick the ass of a bunch of ninjas but as soon as you’re facing one, he’s going to be all sorts of badass.”
Mandy rolled her eyes. “God, Gary, will you give the genre logic a rest! Not everything works like a movie.”
Cindy and Diabloman charged at him before both came flying backwards, landing on the ground beside us.
Mandy looked down then puckered her lips. “Why does the universe continue to prove you right when everything you say is stupid?”
“Because the world is a stupid place,” I said, holding out my hands. “Duh.”
“Silence!” the remaining ninja said in a thick Japanese accent.
“Ah, so you do speak English,” I said, crossing my arms. “Okay, who the hell are you and what the hell are you doing attacking my wife?”
“I am Multi-Ninja!” the man spoke, his voice booming throughout the alleyway. “Interdimensional assassin! I am a one man army who is able to distribute his strength over many individuals at once.”
I blinked. “Okay, that is both cool and silly. I will say, however, the guns were not cool. Real ninja should always stick to the katana, shuriken, sai, and quarterstaff theme. Female ninja, or kunoichi as they’re called, can use needle-tipped fans.”
Multi-Ninja didn’t seem interested in my advice, though. “I have been hired by Entropicus to eliminate Earths’ greatest warriors in order to prepare the way for his victory in the Eternity Tournament.”
“The what in the who now?” I asked, blinking.
“Why go after Gary, then?” Cindy asked.
“Hey!” I said, snapping at her. “I am on that list! Just not at the top of it. Maybe even close to the bottom but I am on the list of Earth’s greatest warriors.”
“He is,” Multi-Ninja said.
“Which is sad,” Cindy said. “We’ve lost so many to be so reduced.”
I’d argue but she was right. Still, I was more concerned with the implications of Multi-Ninja’s statement than my place on any hypothetical list. Entropicus was, in simple terms, the most dangerous supervillain in the universe. Past, present, or future. In fact, supervillain was probably not a good term for a guy who went around conquering galaxies and trying to unmake the universe. He was the God-Emperor of an undead technopolis called Abaddon that existed at the end of time. It had taken the entirety of the Society of Superheroes to stop Entropicus’ three major plots across the past three decades with Ultragod having challenged the space god a dozen more times on his own. The thing was, Ultragod had lost a few of those battles, which was something Tom Terror couldn’t say he’d ever achieved. He was so out of my league it wasn’t even funny.
“You want to eliminate Mandy? Shame on you!” Cindy said, shaking her head as she tried and failed to lift Diabloman off herself again.
“Actually, I was sent here to eliminate Merciless,” Multi-Ninja said.
I blinked. “Really? I qualify as one of the greatest warriors on Earth?”
“I didn’t believe it either,” Multi-Ninja said, sighing. “But a job is a job.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I understand that.”
“Your wife is also on the list and I was going to kill her too,” Multi-Ninja interjected. “Two for one!”
I was starting to dislike this guy. I probably wouldn’t offer him a place in my organization after this was over as was typical with supervillains I fought. “What’s the Eternity Tournament?”
Multi-Ninja snorted. “You really have no idea, do you? So much for the Book of Midnight’s vaunted keeper.”
The Book of Midnight was the book of all black magic in the universe. It was alive and had the personality of a small dog. I couldn’t make this up if I tried. If there was an occult secret in the universe then it was inside The Book of Midnight somewhere. Death had entrusted it to me and I kept it watered, fed, and played with it whenever I could.
“Hey man,” I said, trying to think of a defense for the fact I hadn’t gotten as much out of it as I could have. “A lot of that book is in Latin, Greek, Linear A, and other foreign languages! Do you expect me to learn how to read another tongue just to gain more power?”
“Yes?” Diabloman asked.
“Then clearly you don’t know me very well,” I said.
Mandy rolled her eyes. “Agents Steve Caldwell and Thomas Machin died getting the information about Hell Island to me. There’s been kidnappings across the galaxy and signs of the dimensional barriers between the closest parallel universes weakening. Hell Island is the epicenter of it all and where this tournament is going to take place?”
“Hell Island, really?” I asked.
“I didn’t name the damn thing!” Mandy snapped.
“Sorry,” I said, shrugging.
“It doesn’t matter,” Multi-Ninja said, chuckling. “Both of you will die and your universe will be swallowed whole. Time will be compressed and it will be as a single moment stretched out for all eternity under the law of He Who Is Eternal.”
“That’s like five or six Final Fantasy plots together,” I said, wondering why anyone would want to compress time. Isn’t that just reversing the Big Bang? There wasn’t much interesting back then. I mean they hadn’t even invented alcohol. “I feel like we’re wandering from our topic. Like, for instance, if you’re so confident about your heightened ninja powers—why haven’t you attacked yet?”
“Because he was expecting to only fight one of Earth’s greatest warriors,” Mandy said, chuckling. “Not two.”
I was glad she had confidence in my role since I’d just spent my morning getting curb stomped by Guinevere. Still, by the way Multi-Ninja was fidgeting, I was under the impression she was right.
Multi-Ninja was about to say more when the backdoor to my restaurant opened again, this time Leia popping her head out the door to look at us. “Hey, mom, dad, what’s going on? There’s a weird static keeping me from reading….oh hey, a ninja.”
Multi-Ninja backflipped over Mandy and me before running like lightning toward Leia, picking her up, and holding her tightly against his chest. He then lifted a finger up under her neck, popping out a glowing laser nail underneath my daughter’s throat. “Entropicus provides. If you come a step closer, either of you, I will slit her throat.”
I stared at him. “Pal, you do not know who you are screwing with.”
Mandy trembled with rage. “If you think for a moment I’m going to let you leave with my child, you’ve got another thing coming.”
“Leave?” Multi-Ninja said, splitting into three forms. “Hardly? I know your histories. Entropicus does not reward failure so I will complete my mission. You’re going to allow me to kill you both. Only then will I allow your child to go free.”
“That sounds like a bad plan,” Cindy said, not able to look back. “Gary, I recommend against that. We can get Leia brought back to life.”
“You suck, mom!” Leia shouted.
“Obviously, I’d like you to survive!” Cindy called back.
“That makes it so much better!” Leia shouted back.
“Doesn’t it?” Cindy asked.
Mandy knelt on the ground. “Fine, I’ll do it. Better I die than the only light in my life other than my husband.”
I blinked and seeing the two bad guys, I looked at Leia. “Honey, close your eyes.”
I proceeded to concentrate and pull Gizmo from Multi-Ninja’s hands with magic at a huge rate of speed, catching her like a football before turning insubstantial before the ninjas charged at me. Mandy intercepted them, broke both their necks, and charged at Multi-Ninja who screamed before she tore him into two separate pieces.
Multi-Ninja screamed before dissolving into nothing while Mandy stared down with red eyes. “Fatality.”
“You didn’t close your eyes, Leia,” I said, turning substantial again.
“Yeah, that was awesome!” Leia said, clapping her hands. “Do it again!”
Mandy took a needless breath, looking around for any other ninjas. So far, none of us saw anything. “That was an awful risk you took with Leia’s life, Gary.”
“Yeah, well, I was playing the odds a guy willing to slit a five-year-old’s neck wasn’t the sort of guy who could be trusted to let her go afterward,” I said, staring at her. “I’m also not going to let my wife sacrifice her life when I’m there either.”
Mandy grunted, clearly not happy with my decision but willing to go along with it. “We have to go find out what this Eternity Tournament is and how it relates to us?”
“Gee, I hadn’t figured,” I said, sarcastically. Laying down Leia, I looked at her. “Leia, remember what we said?”
“I am not going to be a Maguffin supervillains kidnap to make you do things,” Leia repeated. “Dad, I can build a giant robot out of Legos. One that works and breathes fire. You don’t need to protect me.”
“That’s cute,” I said, patting her on the head. “What do you want on your pizza?”
“Pineapple please,” Leia said. “Also, ultraniun. I want to slowly dose myself with radiation until I become a godlike being.”
“No, dear, that will give you cancer,” I said.
“Who is the super genius here?” Leia asked.
“Clearly the person who doesn’t want to eat radioactive material,” I said.
“Boo,” Leia said, yawning. “After I take a nap, I’ll do a board proving you wrong. Stupid superpowers taking up so much of my energy.”
I loved my daughter. She was the one shining beacon of light in my life after having devoted myself to filling it with darkness. I’d wanted to be a supervillain since before I hit puberty but the fact was, I was a father now, and I didn’t want her to follow in my footsteps. I wanted to inspire her to be a better person and live a life free of danger as well as despair.
“Our daughter,” I said, looking over at Mandy and Cindy. Mandy was picking Diabloman up off Cindy with one hand and slapping him awake.
“Why the hell would Entropicus be worried about us?” Mandy muttered. “I mean, he’s a little out of our genre. He’s the sort of guy the Cosmic Surfer or the Sixth World Giants deal with.”
“I dunno,” Cindy muttered, standing up. “Maybe the fact we’ve killed a bunch of gods and demons over the past few years?”
“Yeah, we have been punching above our weight class,” I said, remembering their earlier description of my legacy.
“He is also the Chosen of Death,” Diabloman pointed out. “One of the Primals of the Universe believes he’s worth using as a pawn.”
“Did you have to mention the pawn part?” I said, frowning. “I prefer chosen agent of doom.”
“Of course you would,” Diabloman said. “However, she’s not about to show up and talk to us about what’s going on.”
There was a huge crash of thunder. I looked up toward the sky and saw storm clouds had gathered, blotting out the sun over Atlas City as the temperature dropped rapidly enough I could see my breath. Given Atlas City was in central Florida that was damn impressive.
Cindy rubbed her hands. “You see? This is why global warming is a real thing. I don’t care what the Omega-ists say. We need to build an enormous freeze ray and reverse all the problems at both poles.”
“Death’s here,” I said, turning around.
“Oh,” Cindy said, pausing. “I knew that.”
“No one wants you to get political,” Diabloman said. “Politicians aren’t supervillains.”
“Except the one that actually was,” Cindy said, referring to the late President Omega. Well, sorta late. He was a time traveler and a living temporal paradox so you could never be certain whether they were really most sincerely dead.
“Hush you.”
Mandy ignored Cindy as well, turning around to join me as we waited for the arrival of my otherworldly boss. Seconds later, an unearthly beautiful woman with pale white skin and black hair appeared before us. She was wearing a black tactical vest with nothing underneath and a pair of camouflage pants with two smudges of black paint across her face. Goth soldier girl was an eclectic outfit choice even for her but one I approved of. Death’s resemblance to Mandy was considerable and I’d often found myself greatly attracted to her. I wasn’t sure I’d survive the experience if I ever made a move, though—not that I didn’t have more than enough problems with the three dangerous but beautiful women in my life.
“Hey, Boss,” I said, waving my hand. “What’s happening?”
“The end of the multiverse,” Death said.