Chapter 6

The ratchet thing to do would have been for Deborah to go snatch Helen up and mop the sanctuary with her. Oh, that would have definitely given folks something to talk about. One thing was for sure: Deborah wouldn’t have to worry about people disliking her for her over-the-top actions. Reality television had proven that the most ratchet, fightingness, least classy, meanest, and most hateful person on the show became the fan favorite, got the highest paycheck, and eventually ended up with a spin-off and a starring role on Broadway. Society had spoken. Ratchet was the new black.

With Helen’s son on one side of her and Lynox on the other, they looked like the happy little family. Would that be what Lynox’s family portrait looked like soon? The thought alone made Deborah nearly lose her breath.

“Breathe, girl. Breathe,” Deborah said to herself in a low voice as she turned back to face the altar.

Back when Deborah used to see her counselor, they used to practice these breathing exercises. Whenever Deborah felt as if she was about to go from zero to ten, she would take deep breaths in and then exhale in order to calm down. Deborah closed her eyes. She inhaled and exhaled. Those on the outside looking in probably thought that she was in worship.

Deborah did a couple of sets of the breathing in and breathing out. She opened her eyes. She was no longer upset at Helen. Why should she be? She wasn’t married to Helen. Helen had no commitment and had made no promises to Deborah. She should have never been mad at Helen in the first place. It was Lynox who was showing complete disrespect by sitting next to a woman with whom he’d been intimate in the past and whom Deborah could take or leave. So even though the breathing technique had helped her to release her anger at Helen, she was madder than ever. Only now her anger was directed at Lynox.

Deborah decided to try another exercise her counselor had taught her. She’d count away her anger. “Ten, nine, eight, seven . . .” But by the time she got to one, she still wanted to go snatch her man up and ask him what the heck he was doing, sitting next to that tramp.

Deborah wanted to kick herself for even thinking for one minute that Helen had changed. Once a tramp, always a tramp. And all that mess Lynox was talking about Helen being crazy and him kicking her to the curb was just a front. It was nothing more than a lie he was telling so that Deborah wouldn’t suspect anything.

“Ugh!” Deborah said, balling her fist and punching downward.

“That’s right, Sister. Knock that devil out,” the woman next to Deborah said.

Deborah looked at the woman as the words to the song being sung registered. It was a song about going into the enemy’s camp, knocking the devil out, and taking back all the stuff he’d stolen. Deborah realized that the woman next to her must have thought that Deborah was acting out the words to the song. Deborah simply smiled and then faced forward. After a couple of seconds she looked over at Lynox again. He was now standing and getting all into the song.

“That music sure is loud,” he had complained sometimes when he attended church with Deborah.

It didn’t seem to be bothering him now. Maybe the sweet nothings Helen had whispered in his ear prior to the music starting had softened the blows of the notes.

Deborah shook her head and turned back around. She grabbed her purse and her Bible bag and slid down her row and out to the aisle while everyone was still standing and clapping. Lynox obviously hadn’t seen her coming, and now he wouldn’t see her going.

As Deborah speed walked down the center aisle, she couldn’t see any faces, just blurs. That was how fast she was moving. The fact that her eyes were filled with tears didn’t help.

“It’s gon’ be all right, Sister,” one of the ushers said to Deborah as she burst through the sanctuary doors.

It was just her, alone on the other side of the closed sanctuary doors, consumed by anger. She was breathing heavily, and tears were streaming down her face. “God, what is wrong with me?” she cried out, briskly wiping the tears away. Why was she so quick to anger about every little thing?

After catching her breath, she ran out of the church and to her car. She got in her car and began driving. Every now and then she’d beat on the steering wheel. Next, she would cuss, and then she would cry. One time, while sitting at a red light, she even busted out into a laughing fit. Her emotions and her thoughts were jumping all over the place. Breathing hadn’t helped. Counting hadn’t helped. Suddenly, Deborah thought she knew the one thing that would help.

Even though the church was a fifteen-minute drive from Deborah’s home, she got there in eight, breaking all kinds of traffic laws. Either way it went, she was going to break the law if she didn’t do something to put her mind at ease soon. She was going to break the law by driving back to that church and wearing somebody out, or she was going to get a speeding ticket while driving home. Fortunately, neither happened.

Deborah entered her house and ran straight into her private bathroom. She opened the medicine cabinet, picked up bottles, looked at them, and then set them back down. “Shoot,” she said after she’d gone through every pill bottle in the cabinet without finding what she was looking for.

Deborah looked around, in thought. She then began pulling open the bathroom drawers. She rummaged around in each and every one of them and still came up empty-handed. After letting out an expletive, she opened up the cabinet under her side of their dual sinks. Within three seconds the nice orderly contents had been pushed and shoved all over the place. Under usual circumstances, she would not have been able to proceed with her search before putting everything back in its place. Even if the house was burning down and Deborah knocked a book off a shelf while she was running out the door, she’d have to go back and pick it up. Watching the house burn down to the ground would have been more aggravating if she knew a book was out of place. Such disorder would have ordinarily driven Deborah insane, but she was already headed down that road. She’d make a U-turn and clean up her mess after she found what she was looking for.

Just when she was about to give up on her side of the sinks and go check to see if maybe she’d misplaced it on Lynox’s side, she finally saw it. She’d found what she was looking for.

“Yes,” Deborah said, clutching the pill bottle in her hand. She double-checked the label. “My happy pills.” She kissed the bottle and pulled it against her chest like it was a long-lost lover. She had to count on two hands how many times she’d carried that very same bottle over to the trash can to dispose of it. She would never need them again, she had always told herself. The times she’d contemplated throwing them away she’d been happy, genuinely happy . . . and without the aid of a pill. And with a handsome husband like Lynox to help her through life and her two amazingly beautiful children, she couldn’t have imagined that she’d ever find herself in a miserable slump again, one where she would need medication to pull herself out.

She’d prayed to God constantly to keep her mind, and He had. Well, at least she had thought He had, but now she felt as if she was losing it. And it was the fear of this very moment that had made Deborah change her mind each time she went to throw away the pills. The fear that one day she just might need those pills.

With the bottle in hand, Deborah walked over to her sink. She opened the bottle and poured one pill into her hand, turned on the water, then threw the pill down her throat and chased it with water. “Ah,” she said, feeling better already, knowing that soon enough that pill would kick in and relax her. She looked at herself in the mirror. She thought for a moment and then said aloud, “Maybe I better take two.” She read the instructions on the bottle. It had been a while since she’d used them. The bottle said that she needed to take only one. But she felt as if her mind was spinning out of control far more than it had been when the pills were first prescribed. Therefore, she felt two would really do the job of getting her right . . . fast! Then maybe she could pitch the bottle for real this time. She’d take full advantage of the effects of the two pills so that she wouldn’t have to take any more.

With her final reasoning, Deborah threw a second pill down her throat, and this time gulped her own saliva, not even bothering to drink water. She looked at herself in the mirror once again and exhaled. She entered her bedroom, walked over to her bed, and kicked off her shoes. She would lie down until the pills took effect. Otherwise, she might end up back at New Day, raising hell.

As she went to pull the covers back, she realized she still had the pill bottle in her hand. She placed it on the nightstand and then crawled into bed. She said a final prayer that when she woke up, she would be back in her right mind. All would be well. She’d be back to her old self again, the one whom Lynox had fallen in love with and married. Anxiety, depression, panic attacks, and all her manic thoughts would be a thing of past . . . if there was a God. Because the Word had told her that God would give her, her heart’s desires. Her heart desired to be clean, loving, calm, patient, and whole.

Pulling the covers up to her neck, Deborah said, “Okay, God. Do your thing. I’m going under. Now operate on me while I’m in a deep sleep, the same way you did on others in the Bible. In Jesus’s name. Amen.”

***

“Deborah! Deborah! Get up! Are you serious right now? You’re sleeping?” Lynox was enraged as he paced at the foot of their bed. With each fist balled at his side, he was seeing red. He was about to start seeing black, because if the Holy Ghost didn’t hold him back, he was going to black out on his wife. He stopped in his tracks and tried to calm himself down. “Deborah.” This time, in his attempt to remain calm, he didn’t yell her name, but she did not respond. He looked to see if Deborah was still sound asleep. “Deborah.” He said it a little louder this time, trying his best to keep the edge off his tone.

She sighed, as if she was having the best sleep in the world. And if he wasn’t mistaken, she had a little smirk on her face.

“Well, I’ll be . . . ,” he said as he stood there looking at her, shaking his head. He could not believe she was at home, sleeping, without a care in the world. That was it. He couldn’t contain himself any longer. “Deborah, get up!” he yelled as loud as he could, snatching the covers off of her.

Deborah began to squirm and wipe her eyes. She let out a couple of grunts and sighs as she desperately tried to pull herself out of her deep sleep. Her mind was telling her no, to stay asleep, that she needed the rest, but her body wanted to get up. It was a struggle that Deborah found herself caught in the middle of.

“Woman, I’m not playing with you!” Lynox snapped.

Deborah managed to pull herself up into a sitting position in bed. “What, Lynox? What’s going on?” She was all discombobulated and confused. She patted her hair down.

“The boys! That’s what’s going on.” Lynox began to pace again.

Deborah sat there, confused. “What about the boys?”

Lynox stopped and looked at Deborah as if his look alone could shake some sense into her. “What about the boys?” he repeated. He angrily put his hands on his hips. “Where are they, Deborah? Where are your children?” Lynox waited impatiently for Deborah to reply.

“Well, aren’t they . . . they are . . .” Deborah had to think real hard. “With my mother?”

“Is that a question? Because I’m asking you,” Lynox said.

“They spent the night with her, didn’t they?”

“Yes, where they were safe and sound before you picked them up this morning.”

Deborah scrunched her face up. She hadn’t picked the boys up from her mother’s. As a matter of fact, she had planned on texting Lynox and telling him to go pick them up. “Didn’t you get my text? Didn’t you pick them up from my mom’s?”

“No, I did not!” Lynox said through gritted teeth.

“All right, okay,” Deborah said, swinging her legs out of the bed and onto the floor. “Calm down. I’ll go get them myself.” She looked at Lynox. “What? Did Mom call and fuss about them being there so late?” Deborah stretched and yawned.

Lynox stomped over in front of Deborah. “They are not at your mother’s!” He slammed his fist down on the bed next to Deborah, causing her to flinch. “You picked them up already. You took them to church. Don’t you remember?” Lynox stood up straight and walked away, slapping his hand across his forehead and wiping away the sweat.

Deborah sat on the bed with her mouth wide open. Had Lynox not just mentioned it, she would have honestly forgotten all about picking up the boys from her mother’s and checking them into children’s church. That part of the day had been completely lost from her mind.

“Oh, my God! The boys. Church!” Deborah looked over at the clock as she hopped to her feet. It was almost five in the evening. Church usually let out around one o’clock. “I gotta . . . I gotta get back to the church.” She went to rush past Lynox.

Lynox grabbed Deborah by the shoulders, stopping her.

“Let go of me!” she yelled, totally flipping out. “I gotta go get the boys.”

“Will you stop it?” Lynox said, fussing. “I got them. After failed attempts to get in touch with you, the church called me. Unfortunately, I went to get something to eat after church with Brother Maeyl and his family. I left my cell phone in the car. I checked my messages afterward. It was Pastor Margie. They were worried sick, Deborah.” He shook her slightly. “Worried sick. They tried calling your phone, the house phone. They said they even drove by and rang the bell.”

“I . . . I . . .” Deborah placed her hand on her forehead. She walked away, trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together. “I must not have heard the phone or the doorbell or . . .” Her words trailed off. She was so embarrassed. So ashamed. “God, my boys. Tyson must have been scared to death. Where are they? I’ve gotta go see them.” Deborah ran toward the bedroom door.

“Wait a minute. They’re not—”

“Tyson! Tatum!” Deborah ran out the door and down the hall, calling for her sons.

“They’re not here,” Lynox called out as he chased her.

Deborah was oblivious to the words her husband had just spoken. “Tyson!” She opened the door to Tyson’s room, only to find his race car twin bed with drawers at the bottom empty. “Tyson! Tatum!” She turned to leave the room and head to the nursery. That was when she smacked right into Lynox’s chest, almost knocking the wind out of herself. “Ugh,” she said.

“They’re not here,” Lynox told her.

This time the words registered in Deborah’s head. “What? But I thought you said—”

“I did get them from church, but then I took them back to your mother’s. I was afraid of what I might find when I got back to the house, or of what I wouldn’t find. I didn’t know if I was going to have to drive around and call hospitals and the police station, looking for you. Because I figured something god-awful had to have happened for you to sign our kids into church and never show back up to get them. So imagine both my surprise and, I suppose, my relief when I came home and found you in bed, sleeping like a baby. Deborah, seriously, what is going on with you? Do you think that maybe you need to—” Lynox halted his words. He wanted to be very careful about what he said. The last time he said something his wife didn’t like, he ended up getting slapped across the hand and then the face.

Deborah’s eyes began to water. “Do I need to what? Just say it, Lynox.”

As Lynox looked into his wife’s eyes, his anger started to decrease. And he started to become sympathetic, almost to the point where he felt sorry for her. She seemed lost, overwhelmed, and confused all at the same time. He didn’t know what she needed at the moment, but it probably wasn’t him making her feel any worse than she already did. All he could do was shake his head.

“What? Say it!” Deborah cried. “Do I need my happy pills again? Is that what you were going to say? Well, just so you know . . .” Deborah stomped off toward their bedroom. “I’ll show you.” She raced into their bedroom. At first she headed for the bathroom, but then she realized that what she was looking for was on the nightstand by the bed. She headed over to the nightstand and grabbed the bottle of pills. She turned around as Lynox entered the bedroom. “See!” She shook the bottle of pills at him. “I have my happy pills, and for your information, I took them already. I was only trying to do the right thing. I felt so bad about putting my hands on you last night. I wasn’t myself. I wasn’t in my right mind,” Deborah explained.

“I was too proud to apologize last night,” she continued. “Then you left for church this morning . . . without me.” She swept her hair back with her hand. “I had all these crazy thoughts about you, and then my mom called and asked if I was taking the kids to church. I told her no at first, and then I wanted to go see about you, see if you were okay,” Deborah lied. “And so I decided to get them and take them to church too.” Deborah was rambling on hysterically. “I tried to find you at church. I couldn’t find you at first, but then I saw you. You were sitting next to her, and I . . . I couldn’t take it. I had to get out of there before I went postal. I didn’t even think about the boys. I needed to get away. I don’t even remember how I got home. But when I got here, I needed something. So I decided to take my pills, since they helped me before. I guess I shouldn’t have taken two, but—”

“Deborah, you took two?” Lynox said, finally able to get a word in edgewise.

Deborah stood there, nodding like a small child. It was like she’d gone from almost forty years old to four years old.

“Baby, why would you do that?” Lynox said, now completely empathetic toward his wife. “You could have hurt yourself. What if you hadn’t woken up? What would I have told the boys?”

Deborah put her head down in shame. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to be better and happy and to make you happy. I want to be better.” Deborah began to weep heavily, her shoulders heaving up and down.

Lynox walked over and embraced his wife. “It’s okay. You’ve been stressed and overwhelmed. I think you need to slow down a little. Take a little time out for yourself.” He pressed his wife’s face up against him and rubbed her back. “Had you stayed for today’s service, it would have been right on time for you. Pastor Margie preached about God blessing you even while you’re resting. She talked about how some folks can’t even sleep and rest well, because they are already thinking about all the stuff they have to get done the next day.”

Boy, oh, boy, if that didn’t describe Deborah. She tossed and turned in her sleep at night, thinking about the next day’s tasks. Even if it was three o’clock in the morning, she’d sometimes get out of bed and do a task, just to get it off her mind.

“Pastor Margie said God wants you to sleep and be renewed and refreshed. Instead of worrying about all of the next day’s problems, you should sleep soundly, trusting that God has already blessed you in that area,” Lynox said, reiterating today’s teaching. “She said that when a person is anxious and worried, it’s difficult to hear God’s voice. But when they stop and rest, they can hear and recognize His voice.”

Lynox’s words were truly resonating with Deborah. She wished she had stayed at church and received the Word. She’d let the devil run her right out of that church and away from her blessing.

Lynox pulled away a little from Deborah and looked her in the eyes. “God will refresh and restore you even in your sleep, so maybe that’s all you really need to get back on track again. Some sleep, some rest, some downtime, or just a relaxing time out with friends.” He ran his hands through her hair.

“Well, Klarke did say something about wanting to get together this week,” Deborah said.

“I think that would be good for you. I’ve never known you to have any girlfriends to hang out with and do stuff women do. Having someone to talk to like Klarke might be exactly what the doctor ordered. Even better, that may be why God put her in your life.”

Deborah sniffed, then looked up at her husband. “You think so?”

He pushed her hair behind her ears. “Yeah, baby, I do.”

“But is she saved? Do you know if their family attends church or anything?”

“Does it matter? I wasn’t saved when I met you, and I half attend church now.”

Deborah shrugged. “You have a point.” Deborah had honestly never looked at things that way. She didn’t automatically count folks out because they weren’t practicing Christians. It was that she didn’t really let them in if they didn’t have that in common with her. It was that she tried so hard to be holy. Lynox respected that about her. Deborah wasn’t sure that someone who was worldly and didn’t know her would, though. She was having enough trouble around saved people, so the thought of trying to get better around the unsaved was daunting.

Lynox kissed Deborah on the forehead. “So just think about hooking up with Klarke. You never know. If she’s not already saved, who’s to say God doesn’t want you to be the one to lead her to the throne?”

That put a smile on Deborah’s face. She felt good knowing that even though she’d acted like the devil, Lynox knew her heart well enough to know that she was still usable by God.

“Now, why don’t you go get out of your clothes and get showered, and I’ll get the boys?” Lynox suggested. “I’ll stop and grab pizza or something so you won’t have to worry about cooking anything. Okay?”

Deborah nodded. That sounded real good to her. “Okay.”

“All right then. I’ll be back soon.” Lynox kissed Deborah one more time before releasing her. He walked over to the door. Before exiting, he turned around and asked, “Are you gonna be okay?”

Deborah nodded and smiled. “I am now that I’ve got my husband back.”

“Girl, I never left,” Lynox said. Lynox returned the smile and then exited, pulling the door closed behind him.

As soon as that door closed, both the husband’s and the wife’s smile faded. Apparently, neither of them believed that Deborah was going to be okay.