Boys’ voices, for all the reasons explored in this book, do not always easily find their way to expression. It is especially challenging to capture them on the page—particularly in a book that aims to uncover their deeper meaning and show their relevance to the lives of boys and all of us who care about and love them. Such a work, while ultimately the responsibility of one person, does not reach fruition without the sweat, tenacity, and intelligence of a team of dedicated people. As an author, one is buoyed by the toil and insight of a number of colleagues whose contributions to the work—both individually and collectively—help strengthen its messages and, in this case, create a forum in which those who have too long been silenced can finally have their voices heard and appreciated.
I would thus like to take this brief opportunity to offer my gratitude to some of the people who helped make Real Boys’ Voices possible.
First, I would like to thank Kate Medina, my editor, whose wisdom, energy, and intellectual support were essential to the making of this book. From her earliest connection with my work through her guidance in the creation of this book’s older sibling, Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood, Kate has helped to create an important difference in how we think about and raise boys in America and throughout the world. Her editorial suggestions are reflective of the highest order of professional excellence, and her magical eye in organizing, shaping, and polishing this book have had a profound impact. Her skill, sincere dedication to this enterprise, and faith in my work with boys cannot be praised too highly.
Other staff at Random House have also been unceasingly supportive. Most especially, I’d like to acknowledge the support of Meaghan Rady, Ms. Medina’s former assistant, who from the earliest phases of my relationship with the publishing house always made everything happen. I would like to thank Frankie Jones, too, who ably stepped in to carry the ball when Meaghan made an important career move as we were nearing completion of the manuscript. Random House’s remarkable publicists Carol Schneider, Liz Fogarty, and Tom Perry deserve my praise as well for bringing this work to the public’s attention even before its pages were complete. Beth Pearson, Don McConnell, Karen Richardson, and Caroline Cunningham are also to be acknowledged for making the finished product as elegant as it is.
Next, I would like to convey my deep appreciation for the invaluable assistance and support I received from Todd Shuster. Todd devoted immense time and energy to helping me reach out to communities across the country, arranging interviews with boys, helping shape interview transcripts into prose, and honing my written commentary in a thoughtful, sensitive way. Todd has truly become a fellow traveler in the world of understanding boys. His literary skills are only outstripped by his indefatigable enthusiasm and depth of caring about the themes raised in this book. I am proud to have had him along with me on this adventure into the inner world of boys.
I would also like to convey my deep thanks to Lane Zachary, who worked closely with Todd in both improving the precision of this written document and adding her unique creative insights to the process. The book would not have been the same without her original touch.
My personal gratitude is also expressed for the assistance provided to me by Todd’s colleagues at the Zachary Shuster Agency: Esmond Harmsworth, Kendra Lider-Johnson, and Jennifer Gates did a beautiful job helping me condense, transcribe, and edit numerous interview transcripts.
As part of my research team, I was particularly blessed to have the help of John Butman. John brings tremendous wit and creativity to everything he does. I am thankful for his fantastic job conducting research interviews at several schools, editing this material into essays, and offering his own perceptions about the results of this research. His personal understanding of boys as a loving and caring father only served to enhance the quality of this work. I appreciate the thoughtful assistance, too, of John’s colleagues Charles Moore and Dorothy Crawford. I would also like to thank Susan Lawrence, who showed the wisdom of a master teacher and particular sensitivity in interviewing several of the younger boys whose voices appear in this book.
It would be most fitting to mention by specific reference to their respective institutions the educators, organizational leaders, and grassroots organizers who on behalf of boys contributed so much to the success of this project. However, the need to maintain the privacy and confidentiality of the majority of the boys who participated requires that we merely list them in alphabetical order. This mundane approach does not begin to reflect the abundance of my gratitude, nor does it diminish the meaningfulness of their contribution. I would like to extend my heartiest thanks to: George Armstrong, Susan Batlin, Cindy Blinn, Diane Bohmer, Cindy Bouvier, Linda Cobbe, Jef Conor, John D’Auria, Denise Day, W. Brewster Ely IV, Dale Emme, Dar Emme, John Farber, Robin Finegan, Richard P. Fitzgerald, Krystan Flannigan, Larry Frey, Ronna Frick, Jeanie Goddard, Richard Hawley, Shari Hobson, Laurie Hoffner, Michael Jenkins, Brenda Keegan, Matthew King, Carleton Land, Armand LaSelva, Barbara Macgillivray, Carolyn Mack, Judy Malone-Neville, P. J. McDonald, Robert Meikle, Richard Melvoin, Rena Mirkin, Peter Nelson, Vivien Orlen, Margarita Otero Alvarez, Carol Palmer, Gary Porto, Ray Randonis, Gail Revis, Michael Riendeau, John Ritchie, Suzanne Schrader, Paul Stein, Pam Stinson, Vince Sussman, Elizabeth Twomey, Greg Ventre, Robert Vitalo, Glenn Williams, Ken Wilson, Carolyn Wyatt, and Jeffrey M. Young.
That said, there are some organizations that I feel compelled to acknowledge by name. The Yellow Ribbon suicide prevention program, founded by Dar and Dale Emme, literally saves boys’ lives daily. Dar and Dale provided me with invaluable assistance in relation to my thinking about suicide in boys and introduced me to one of their most devoted teen leaders, Michael Hilterbrand, whose intelligence, honesty, and enthusiasm for this project hold special meaning for me.
Likewise, I am deeply indebted to the International Coalition of Boys’ Schools. The coalition has long recognized the need for a new psychology of boys and always generously supported my work. I would like to thank John Farber, Brewster Ely, Richard Melvoin, Richard Hawley, Bradford Gioia, and Diane Hulse, as well as the other members of the board and research committee, for their unrelenting faith in my project.
Although this research project was carried out independently under the auspices of The Real Boys Education Program(tm), I would still like to acknowledge the support of my colleagues at Harvard Medical School and McLean Hospital, particularly Drs. Bruce Cohen, Joseph Coyle, and Philip Levendusky. The encouragement of the Department of Continuing Education at McLean, and my coworkers (past and present) Carol Brown and Cathy Toon must not go unmentioned. I should also express my gratitude to Dr. Shervert Frazier, Psychiatrist in Chief (emeritus) of McLean Hospital, who has been an incredible mentor, helping me to develop my own voice in a field of psychological study that was once largely overlooked. Never before or since have I had the opportunity to absorb such sagacity about the inner lives of boys and men.
I would like to thank my associates at the Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity, Division 51 of the American Psychological Association, from whom I have learned so much about gender study, and my friends at the Threat Assessment Division of the United States Secret Service, including Bryan Vossekuil, its director, and Dr. Robert Fein, who have provided me with a wealth of thoughtful information about boys and violence.
Although my research derives from many years of work with boys and men, it is important to recognize the important influences that the “new” psychology of girls and women has had on this entire field. I would like to mention my particular appreciation of the seminal work of Carol Gilligan, whose insights on girls’ voices provide an important inspiration for this work, and also that of the core faculty of the Wellesley Stone Center—Jean Baker Miller, Irene Stiver, Judith Jordan, et al.—all of whom have helped to shape a concept of a “connected self” in women that bears much relevance to my own theories of trauma in boys and the possibilities they have, throughout their lives, to heal from it. Dr. Judith Jordan, my colleague, collaborator, and friend, has had a tremendously positive impact on my thinking in this field. Her intelligence and inspiration may be felt throughout my work. Dr. Mary Pipher has generously shared her support for my endeavors. Together we have engaged in much stimulating conversation that I hope will continue to lead to greater collaboration and understanding between boys and girls, men and women.
Researching and writing this work would have been impossible without the love, understanding, and unyielding patience of my family. I am deeply indebted to my wife, Dr. Marsha Padwa, for her invaluable insights about children, adolescents, and their families, and her important critical input with earlier drafts of this work; and to both Marsha and my daughter Sarah Faye Pollack, for their unwavering love and support—juggling schedules, borrowing computers, and sustaining my spirits during times of distress.
To the boys who participated in the study, their parents, and my patients, who have opened their lives to us, and who have taught me so much through their struggles, I extend my personal gratitude and thanks. With the exception of a number of boys whose identities were unfortunately only too clear from the tragedy in Colorado, we have opted to keep the identities of authors of the other original pieces anonymous, to protect each boy’s privacy. I would thus like to acknowledge their contributions, which collectively provided the heart and soul of this work. I hope the dissemination of their words will begin to make a difference in how we understand boys, and, in turn, ourselves.
Some of the boys who shared their voices with me in connection with this project opted (with the consent of their parents or guardians) to receive attribution. I am thus delighted to extend my heartfelt appreciation to: Sean Baird, Brian Barenberg, Austin Barrett, Michael Bell, Andrew Birnberg, Andrew Bisotti, Matt Botler, John L. Bujaci, Raheem Carr, Hervey Carvajal, Ken Case, Richard Castaldo, Andrew Clark, Patrick Clarke, Matthew David, Isaiah Davison-Weiss, Nicholas DeWilde, Michael Ferguson, Andrew Fraser, Adam Freedman, Johnny Fry, Mario Fuentes, Chris Gentel, Justin Golenbock, James Gombocz, Darryl Gordon II, Sean Graves, Gregory Greenway, Joe Grimm, Carrington Guzman, Ryan Haines, John Ham, Ben Hart, Jeff Harwin, Brad Hedrick, Matt Henry, Wilber Hernandez, José Herrera, Juan Herrera, David Hilson, Michael S. Hilterbrand, Christopher Hoffner, Gregory Jiminez, Jefferson Lee, Jonathan Kim, Jesse King, Jason Kowrach, Johnny LaSalle, Chris Lascelle, Robert Leary, Jake LeBlanc, Alexander Lee, Todd Lieberman, Michael Lopez, Tobias Loss-Eaton, George MacDonnell, Denny Majewski, Jr., Steven Marty, Irvin Matteo, Dave McCormack, Paul McKoy, Geoff McNally, Mark Merren, Joe Miller, Robert Scott Miller, Teague Mitchell, Milton Morel, Joseph Moya, Jake Murphy, Michael Neff, Chris Neimeyer, Derek Nelson, Chris Neuenfeldt, David Norton, Eric Obeng, Adam Occaso, Donal O’Ceallaigh, Eric Trilling O’Malley, Franklin Onuoha, Reggie Patterson, Carlos Puente, Bryan Purcell, Santosh Rasnet, Kyle Reed, Jordan Rhodes, Matt Richardson, Paul Risenmay, Joseph Rivard, Saul Saldarriaga, Jeremy Sandler, Christopher Schappert, Jeff Schram, Rand Semke, Nicholas E. Short, Rob Stanton, Harry Stanwood, Adam Sussman, Alex Svoboda, Will Szabo, Kenny Talanian, David Tassone, Tyler Tolbert, Rafael Torres, Julian Turner, Chris Verillo, Paris Wallace, Jeremy Welsh-Loveman, Bryan White, George Williams, Michael Williams, Sam Willie, Michael Wilson, and Austin Woerner.
Real Boys’ Voices has been a work of the heart, and I hope it will reveal the love boys themselves have been struggling to convey—along with their angst, loneliness, and longing to connect.