Chapter Fifty One

When they came to the Poustinia, they still didn’t see Father. They assumed he was inside. Rather than enter through the front door, Henry quietly slid open the kitchen patio door and took Jenny’s hand as they entered. Jenny’s grip on Henry’s hand tightened and she slightly gasped at the sight. They saw Father kneeling before a small altar and a huge cross with Jesus crucified hanging just above. Henry still couldn’t get over the size of the cross when he hung it for Father; it was at least five feet high. Both Jenny and Henry looked on in awe at the sight of the holy image before them and the feeling of holiness all around.

Father was so deep in prayer that he was still unaware of their presence. Henry noticed the brown habit Father was wearing and couldn’t help but feel how well it suited him; another St. Francis, thought Henry. He felt the fire of perfect love. Jenny felt it too, as tears streamed down her face.

Henry took hold of Jenny’s hand and together they softly tip-toed into the living area and knelt down behind Father. He sensed his loved ones and while still facing the cross, Father extended both his hands back to Henry and Jenny. They each brought forth their free hand and took hold of Father’s. Instantly, an electric spiritual energy flowed through all of them in a perfect circle of love with their creator. The power and presence of the Holy Spirit filled them all to overflowing. Vague flashbacks of their stint on the doorstep of heaven was before them; spinning round and round with their guardian angels as if flying into the arms of Jesus.

Father let go of their hands and reflected quietly for a moment. He placed both hands on the edge of the altar and pulled himself up to the standing position and continued to pray. It became apparent to Henry and Jenny that Father was saying the Mass and was just beginning the Consecration; the holiest moment of the Mass. Just as Jesus did at the Last Supper and requested that we do the same in memory of Him, Father took the bread in the form of a Host and said, “This is My body.” He elevated the Host and gazed at it for the longest time, placed it down and genuflected. Then he took the chalice of wine, and said, “This is the cup of My blood.” Once again, Father raised the cup and then genuflected.

When Father came to the Lord’s Prayer, rather than face the altar, Father turned to his children and took their hands and together they prayed:

Our Father, who art in heaven,

hallowed be thy name

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done,

On earth as it is in heaven

Give us this day our daily bread

And forgive us our trespasses

As we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil,

Amen.

After receiving Holy Communion and Father’s blessing, they hugged one another and made their way out onto the deck. After all were seated, Father began, “Who would have thought that just a few weeks ago, the three of us would be sharing Mass and sitting on the deck of Henry’s prayer house on this beautiful summer day! Clearly, as the Lord says, ‘My ways are not your ways.’ It’s as if we’re still just on this side of the portals to heaven.”

“Oh, Father, you simply must share with us what you saw that day. Henry and I have no memory of it, but we both are having dreams that don’t make too much sense. Perhaps you can enlighten us and at the same time we may be better able to interpret our dreams.”

“Yes, I do not fully understand why you and Henry have no memory of your stint on the other side. I have complete memory and before I returned to the land of the living, my guardian also permitted me to see all of mankind and into the lives of all the people that I’ve known, including you.” Father raised his right hand to gesture that he referred to both of them and continued. “I was not allowed to see into the future, only into the past, and right up to that moment before I left to return to earth.”

“How could you see everything in such a short period of time?” asked Henry.

“There really is no time, Henry; it’s all in the present. Within a thought, one can see and understand lifetimes. One experiences how God’s mind works. He knows all things past, present and future; now. It is difficult for man to comprehend with his finite mind.”

“That reminds me of another matter that Jenny and I were wondering about, Father. If you saw everything up until the time we all came back to life, how did Jenny’s diary get to her backyard when it was in my truck before I had the accident? And did you see Jenny write an entry in there?”

“Yes, the archbishop asked me the same question…”

Father went on to tell them exactly what he told the archbishop. Henry and Jenny were amazed that Father had seen that and just as the archbishop’s belief of what Father had seen increased, so did theirs. Jenny, however, was more interested in her celestial guardian.

“Oh, this is all getting too heavy for me to understand, Father. Henry says that you saw our guardian angels. Please tell us about them, I am dying to know!”

“Yes, when I first crossed over, Jenny, I met my protector, Zachariah. Our spirits hovered over the sun room in the care home. We talked a bit and watched the residents in the care home celebrate my passing. Shortly, you and Henry came to the site, along with your guardians.”

“Oh, Father what did they look like and did they tell you their names!?” Jenny was so excited; she was on the edge of her chair.

“Yes, yes, your angel’s name is Hannah and Henry’s is Gabriel.”

Looking at Jenny, Father continued. “Your angel is younger and more petite than Henry’s. Her wings were always in motion, almost like a hummingbird.” Father paused and gazed towards the morning sun, “Now let me see, yes, she wore a blue robe with white straps that crossed over her shoulders and then around her waist. Her hair is yellow, like gold, long and flowing. And her eyes are blue like yours, as well. Henry’s angel is more masculine. He wore a brown robe that matched his brown hair. I can’t recall what color his eyes are, but he is tall, but not as tall as Zachariah. Mind you. My guardian was the most mature of the three and did most of the talking. In fact, it was Zachariah who explained to me why you and Henry were so smitten with one another and why your love for each other has been so long-lasting”.

“Oh Father, this sounds so mysterious and intriguing, you just have to tell us every detail.”

Although Henry hadn’t said much, he too, was at the edge of his seat. He also wanted to know everything that had transpired.

“Do you recall the morning you two met in my grocery store—”

“I’ll never forget that morning,” Henry cut in sharply.

“Nor will I, Father. The moment I looked into Henry’s eyes it was love at first sight. I was completely lost in the moment. It was as if we were lifted and something travelled through the gaze we were sharing.”

“Yeah, it was almost like something was caught in my eyes.”

“And mine too,” concurred Jenny.

“Ah, das erklärt es, yes, that clearly explains what Zachariah said. Apparently, when the two of you looked into each other’s eyes that morning, not only was there an earthly attraction, but there was a heavenly one as well. Both of your guardian angels were so excited when you two met that they also imparted some of their spiritual energy into the gaze you both shared with one another. As a result, not only were your hearts united, in the earthly sense, but also your very souls, in the heavenly sense. It was quite something to see. I recall a bright aura around both of you that morning as you gazed into each other’s eyes.”

“That would explain why I felt something caught in my eyes,” said Henry.

“Yes, yes, I remember now. Zachariah explained it this way; love between two people in most instances begins in the eyes as they see and are attracted to one another. That morning when you and Jenny met, it was as if the angels’ energy entered into your eyes in the form of shooting love darts which not only penetrated your heart, but going still deeper, wounded your soul, as well. You pained for one another. It was plain to see not only that day, but in the days and weeks that followed until the day Jenny left. Oh, how much you yearned and desired one another.”

“Oh, that sounds so powerful, Father. That morning is so clear in my memory. I can just visualize our angels doing that, like two cherubim’s flying near us with their bow and arrow!”

“That’s amazing, Father,” said Henry, in awe of it all. “That would explain both the strength and duration of the love between us.”

“Oh, Henry!” Jenny exclaimed again, “I would have loved to see our guardians. I would have given both such a big hug for all they did for us.”

“But you did embrace them, Jenny, very warmly, I might add. And another thing, they played a huge part in getting you both back to earth. Since they felt responsible for creating such an ardent love between you both which led to the depth of your hearts’ desire to marry one another, their solicitudes to God were continued on your behalf, especially on the day you both passed away. I surmise that it was a combination of their pleas, our prayers and yours that swayed the Lord to create all of these incredible healings.”

“It’s all so amazing Father. There seems to be so many reasons why we were all allowed to return to our earthly lives,” Jenny said shaking her head.

“Yes, you have been blessed to see and return to your loved ones, your family and of course, Henry and Camilla. There is Peter, too, and perhaps reasons that you may not be aware of until years in the future. It’s all part of God’s divine providence.”

Jenny thought for sure that it had to do with bearing a child for Henry…the name of her guardian angel, Hannah, resonated in her mind.

“You mentioned Peter, Father. Jenny and I were discussing him the other day and his desire to see Jenny and Camilla to seek their forgiveness.”

“Yes, this is an area that needs healing and the sooner the better,” Father quickly added.

Turning to Jenny, Father asked, “Are there any concerns in this area, Jennifer that you wish to talk about? Are there any obstacles that may impede reconciliation?”

“In my heart, over the years, Father, I have forgiven the man who fathered my child. Yet, now that we plan to meet with him, so many memories arise; the night Henry and I were assaulted, the boys taking me to the park, fainting and not knowing what happened and what they did. And now, to face him seems scary and I must admit, feelings of hurt, anger and violation are surfacing again. I thought the other night when Camilla and I spoke about it, I was free of these feelings perhaps not…”

“Yes, of course, all these things, many which you have repressed for years, are now coming to the fore once more. These are human feelings that demand understanding, justice or even vengeance. But we must face each and every one of these feelings and yield them to Jesus to heal. If you don’t, the feelings will arise again and both you and the beautiful child that came out of that horrific act will always be surrounded with these feelings.

“Henry and Camilla have to do the same. Each of you must come to Jesus and ask him to bring your memories to the fore for healing and with His healing grace, let them go. Forgiveness must be your goal…”

“I have already spoken to Henry about this event. What about Camilla? You said you spoke with her the other night?” Father wanted to know.

“Yes, I was both surprised and grateful for how well Camilla is taking this. I think many women who become pregnant through rape or violence feel justified in their decision to have an abortion; they can’t bear the thought of carrying a child who was forced upon them. For so many women in this position, it is a wrenching decision. Even for those who decide to carry and birth their child, under these circumstances, often the child ends up feeling unworthy of living. I was so relieved to see that Camilla has accepted herself so wholesomely as she should and not feel she has to prove or justify her existence to herself or to anyone.”

Reaching out to Jenny and taking her hands in his, Henry added, “She knows the truth about herself, Jenny. She knows that her value is not based upon how she was conceived, who raised her or what other people think. She knows she is a child of God and that alone is what gives her value, as it does all of us.”

Father Engelmann’s eyes brightened. “That is a wonderful observation, Henry. God values and loves us so much that He asked His Son to make the infinite sacrifice and die for us that we might have life. That’s how much He values each one of us!”

“I am so happy that Camilla was raised in a Christian home and has that understanding. She is so beautiful and is doing such good work. Perhaps, too, it is her counseling background and that she works with girls who have had similar experiences that helps her understand the big picture. In fact, when we talked about it the other night, she even helped me to further accept my feelings around it all. I was so happy that Chloe and Matti had explained to Camilla the circumstances surrounding her conception. It would have been difficult for me to tell her. I had held it in for so long and was ashamed to bring it up…but talking about it with Camilla was so freeing…”

“Your guardian angel is helping you to deal with it all, Jenny,” Henry observed.

“Oh, yes, I could feel my angel’s presence as Camilla and I spoke.”

“In a way, it’s good that Camilla has already seen Peter so it won’t be totally new for her when we all meet,” said Henry.

“Yes, that is a blessing. She told me she had already seen Peter at your anniversary party, Father. When she saw him there, she saw herself in his features. For the first time in her life, she felt like she belonged in the physical sense. Now that she knows that he is in fact her birth father, she wants to meet with him to promote healing.”

“That is wonderful, Jenny. Camilla sees the enormous benefits to forgiveness and moving on. The good Lord has already blessed her with wisdom and understanding. She is a peacemaker.”

“When Peter called and also when I spoke with his wife, Angelika, they both expressed how sorrowful Peter is and wants forgiveness,” Henry added to the conversation.

“Yes, of course, his conscience has plagued him for years. Not only does Peter want this matter to be healed, but his wife and children do, too.”

Father shifted in his chair and closed his eyes as he looked up towards the sun. Henry recognized that move and look. Father was trying to recall something that would bring clarity into this matter. Henry didn’t think it was a Scripture as it would have been spouted out already. No, it had to be a story…Henry was right.

“I recall an incident that happened in the old country when a man broke into a home, tied up the husband and raped his wife in front of him. The wife conceived a child. The health authorities approved for the woman to have an abortion. Before she carried out the termination of her baby, the husband said to his wife, “I understand that man violated you, but the child within your womb is half yours and half his. I love you dearly and should you decide to have this child, I will love it like our own because of my love for you. I know that even if that man did an evil thing, he is still a child of God. I will see that child as coming from the man that God loves and created.”

“The wife decided to have the child and true to his promise, the father loved the child as his own. When the child was grown, she found out what had happened and wrote a book in honor of her father and that she would not have had life if not for the example of his true love.”

“Oh Father, that was such a powerful story. In many ways that was what happened with me. I, too, considered abortion, but I grew to love the baby growing inside my womb. At first I imagined Henry to be the father so that Camilla would be surrounded by loving thoughts. But, slowly over the years I allowed Peter into my life and forgave him. To fully love Camilla, I knew I had to accept the man who fathered her. I just hope when I see him I will feel the same.”

“Jenny, you were given a forgiving heart. Much will depend on you. Pray for strength to lead all those around you to the path of reconciliation, peace and freedom.”

Tears sat on the edge of Jenny’s eyes and almost in a whisper, she asked, “Would you pray for us all, Father, so we receive the strength we need to do what is right? Pray for another miracle.”

“Yes, yes, of course.”

Father reached over with both of his hands and they were quickly received by Jenny’s and Henry’s hands. They bowed their heads…

The morning sun was rising higher into the sky, warming the air around them as well as their hearts. The sound of the water bubbling nearby as it flowed over the beaver dam seemed to recede, but soft enough to soothe and cleanse their spirits. Even the chattering of birds in the trees quieted as a peaceful silence descended upon them.

As soon as Father felt the Holy Spirit moving amongst them, he softly began to pray…

“My dear Lord, come, enlighten our hearts with Your Holy Spirit. Grant us the wisdom to know Your truths and apply them to the lives of Jennifer, Henry, Camilla, Peter and his family. There is a connection between these, Your children, that requires understanding and compassion. At the root of this connection was an act done by Peter, that should not have happened, but it did, and now needs acceptance and healing.

“Help us all to see, dear Lord that Peter is not the act, Peter is Your child just like Jenny is, Camilla is, Henry is, and as all of us are. There are times in the lives of each of us when we err and sin. Some of our sins are small and some are large, but we are not the sin: our choice was, our thought was, our action was. Grant Jenny, Henry, Camilla and Peter and his family the wisdom to separate the act from the person; the child of God who You created.

“We are all brothers and sisters in Christ, who are good and beautiful, who at times need forgiveness. And just as we ask for Your forgiveness or seek and receive forgiveness from others for our transgressions, we in turn must give our forgiveness to those who trespass against us. You have given us free will, the power to choose to stop the pain and to heal the hurtful memory that struggles to survive in our hearts. Come now, oh Holy Spirit, and fill us all with the strength and grace to do what we know is right; to forgive.

“Yes, forgiveness is the path to reconciliation, peace, freedom, and even friendship. All of these elements of healing are ever present if only we choose to be open enough to let such Christ-like thoughts into our hearts and minds.

“Let Jenny, Henry, Camilla and Peter and his family, when they meet, choose such a path. Let them know that Christ is ever there to instill peace and forgiveness for the most grievous of offences and atrocities. That is the extent of God’s love. We can choose to tap into it and find peace or we can rebel and continue to fill our beings with hatred, resentment, bitterness …hell.

“Tremendous power to do good will be present when they meet. Let them know the power of the choice they can make in that moment; the power to choose three little words. I forgive you…and perhaps, it will lead to the most powerful words…I love you.

“Fill them with Your grace, dear Lord, so they can all experience the exhilarating freedom that comes when we choose Your will and Your ways.

“We ask this in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

Jenny and Henry just sat there in silence contemplating the wisdom of Father Engelmann’s prayerful words. The sounds of nature around them were so soothing, it only further increased their desire not to disturb the peace of the moment. It was good to let go of all thoughts and just allow the spiritual sustenance of God’s creation to do its work.

Perhaps it was the openness of the moment that enlightened Jenny’s spirit to feel compelled to share how she coped with her pain and suffering in the hospital in the days and weeks leading up to her death and miraculous recovery.

“I am so thankful for my illness. It brought me closer to the Creator than anything else in all my life. Suffering is such a mystery and yet, in some small way, Father, I understood it in the light of a vision I had. I saw the connection between suffering, pain, joy and gratitude, all at once. How my suffering along with Jesus’ suffering brings the joy of heaven and salvation to all of us…”

For the next half hour Jenny shared how she fell into a darkness in her dying days and when she thought she could no longer handle it, she had a vision which helped her to understand Jesus’ suffering, her suffering and that of others. It taught her how to love at a greater level than she had ever known before. And she discovered the joy that is possible in suffering and was filled with deep gratitude to Jesus for laying down his life for her and her brothers and sisters.

“You know, Father,” Jenny concluded, “I know God does not cause the suffering, but He permits it. We can fight it and turn our back on Him and gain nothing but the added pain of separation and rebellion, loss of hope and despair. Or, we can come to Him and trust Him and invite Him into our hearts. He is ever waiting to give us comfort, grace and strength. I know with all my heart Father, that suffering has made me stronger, more fulfilled, more loving, compassionate, and humble. Most of all, I realized the tremendous sacrifice that God the Father and His Son made to open the gates of heaven so that we, too, may be partakers of the joy promised in eternity. I could see that my suffering was nothing in comparison to the suffering Jesus was called to endure.”

Father shook his head and finally said, “Jennifer, you have been granted such an extraordinary blessing from God. In all my years, I have never heard of a clearer explanation of the mystery of suffering. Perhaps, Jenny, this is but another reason for your return; to let others know of what you saw. Next Sunday, I will be filling in for Father Knuka while he goes on a three week vacation. Would you consider sharing what you just said to Henry and me about your view on suffering to the congregation of St. Mary’s church?”

“Yeah, Jenny,” Henry interjected, “That has really helped me to understand pain and suffering so much better. Others would greatly benefit from your sharing.”

“Yes, Father, I am honoured that you would ask…if it helps others, I will certainly share it, Father.”

Henry checked his watch and then looked up at the sun. “I didn’t realize how long we’ve been here Father. It’s mid afternoon and the sun sets earlier down here in the valley.”

“Yes, I can feel the air cooling off,” concurred Father. “That’s why I like this hooded robe so much. Helps keep the heat in when the shingles have flown away,” Father added, making reference to the loss of most of his hair.

Henry and Jenny chuckled. “You look very distinguished, Father, with your receding hair line.” Jenny observed.

“I have to agree wholeheartedly with that,” added Henry, now making reference to his hair loss, too.

“Well, I’m getting very hungry, Jenny, and we certainly won’t get anything to eat in Father’s kitchen. He’s on a fast and the only thing he’s offering is water. So, we better get back up to the house.” Henry gazed into the sky again, as a buildup of heavy clouds covered the sun. “We may get wet before we make it back, Jenny.”

Jenny gazed up and rolled her eyes.

They all rose and hugged Father. “Thank you so much Father for everything. It was so wonderful being here with you. It’s so peaceful…like paradise!” said Jenny.

“It’s so good to see you healthy and happy, Jenny, and to see you and Henry together filled with such love. We praise the Lord for his kindness and blessings.”

Father picked up his Bible on the table beside his deck chair and opened it. “Just this morning before you came, the Lord gave me a Scripture that he wanted me to share with you both. Isaiah 55:12 says, ‘For you shall go out with joy, and be led out with peace; The mountains and the hills shall break forth into singing before you, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands’”.

“Oh, Father, that’s so wonderful, thank you!” said Jenny.

Henry nodded, “Yeah, that’s great, Father. Thanks for sharing!”

Father watched Henry and Jenny step off the deck and make their way back to the house holding hands. He could see Jenny pull Henry into the meadow of wildflowers beside the road and begin to run.

“So spontaneous, so full of life, even when she was on her death bed, she never lost that sparkle for life.” Father murmured.

A tear surfaced in Father’s eyes as the happy image of Henry and Jenny reminded him of Anna and him climbing the hills and mountains in Austria. His Anna was always full of life, too. Her brown hair was much longer than Jenny’s and he could see it now in his mind’s eye, blowing in the wind as she raced up the mountain side, “Komm schon, David, die Aussicht wird immer besser und besser.”

Yes, thought Father, the view of his dearly beloved will get better, too, as soon as he finished the two tasks the Lord wanted him to do and he could return to his heavenly home.

How will this all play out, Lord? Father thought further, as he watched Henry lift Jenny high into the air and twirl her round and round amongst the flowers. They were so much in love and yet, so many obstacles lay ahead for them. The heavens rumbled and thundered almost in agreement. Within moments, Henry and Jenny were soaking wet.

Wrinkles of amusement and joy gathered at the corners of Father’s eyes as a favourite Scripture, John 10:10 came to mind, “I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.”

Father’s eyes misted as he faintly heard the two love birds shout in glee and raise their hands to the sky like two little children. It was almost as if they were back just on this side of heaven spinning round and round with their angels.

I shall say another Mass for them for the Lord to give them strength and not lose hope as they journey in the road ahead.

Father turned and went inside, but the sky continued to rumble and cry.