Chapter Seventy Five

Henry tossed and turned for well over two hours and knew that he would never find sleep. He might lose the love of his life and he wondered how he could possibly cope if that happened. The clock on the bedside end table read 3:15 Father Engelmann would be awake, probably reading his breviary. Henry had planned to see him first thing in the morning, but he could no longer wait. He had to speak to his mentor; his heart ached too much.

Henry decided to drive down to the prayer house. The sound of the truck would alert Father that he was coming rather than just walk in without warning. He marveled that Father had no fear in staying down there alone. So many nights, the coyotes would howl and work themselves into a frenzy if they downed a deer or caught a rabbit. There wasn’t any light on in the prayer house as Henry pulled up beside. He got out and made his way to the deck. The sky was beginning to lighten in the east. The sun was slowly approaching and gradually filling the valley with warm light. In all the time he owned the prayer house, only one other time was he there this early. It was to capture the morning light on the pond and how it lit up one side of the valley. It was a study he wanted to do for a painting. It made him recall his art instructor who used to take him outdoors to paint first hand.

“In the same way,” thought Henry aloud, “twilight is such a special time between when the sun goes down and when the night is beginning. There is a morning twilight as well, only in reverse. Such a powerful peace fills the air.”

Henry now understood why his mentor got up so early and why he enjoyed the early mornings as the best part of the day. Henry peeked through the kitchen window and made out a dim light. It was the light coming from a candle. Father preferred that to electrical lighting.

Henry softly tapped on the door and entered. “Father, it’s me Henry.”

There was no answer and Henry entered further into the living room and peeked into the bedroom. Father was in his hooded robe. He was writing into a large coiled binder. What an image to see his teacher writing under the light of candle. This is what it must have been like when his patron, Saint Francis, wrote his thoughts as well.

There was such a strong similarity between the two.

Everything Henry had read about Saint Francis, he saw those same attributes in Father Engelmann.

Suddenly, Father stopped writing and looked at Henry. “What brings you here so early, Henry?”

“I couldn’t sleep, Father, I want to talk to you. Have you read your breviary, yet?”

“Yes, I have. I wanted to write some thoughts down before saying Mass. Is something concerning you?”

Henry nodded. “Jenny has decided to stay longer in Ottawa, Father. James is quite ill and could go into the hospital at any time. She feels the need to support him.”

“Yes, yes, that is understanding and compassionate of her, Henry.”

“But Father, what if she stays permanently?”

Father set his pen down on the table and arose. He came to Henry and placed his hand on his shoulder, “Come, let us sit by the window and watch the sun come up. Perhaps the light from the heavens will illuminate our thoughts.”

Father and Henry made their way to the two chairs in front of the patio doors that overlooked the pond. Although it faced south-east, it was evident that the sun was already nearing the horizon. It would have to climb higher to make its way up to the hill tops. It was still too dark to notice the clouds near the horizon even though the sky above seemed clear with twinkling stars still in view.

It was strange speaking with Father in the semi-darkness, almost like he was in a confessional booth. In a way it was like going to confession. He had to admit that he was very frustrated and some of his thoughts did reflect anger and ill will towards his adversary. Henry turned to Father, the dim light catching Henry’s concerns written all over his face.

“It just seems there is always another problem or obstacle to surmount, Father. Jenny asked her husband for an annulment, but he refused. And really that was just a shot in the dark. It probably wouldn’t have worked anyway.”

Henry paused and then continued, “James is adamant to have her come back and that they try again. And, like I said, Jenny decided to stay for the time being.

“But for how long?

“And, what if she decides to go back? Everything seemed to be working out so well after we all were miraculously returned to life…and for what? I thought it was mainly for Jenny and me to get together again!

“I just don’t know what to think, anymore.”

Father listened carefully, allowing Henry to express his feelings and then he responded, “I understand your frustration and disappointment, Henry. Both you and Jenny are in a very difficult situation. If Mr. Hamilton, or rather James, wants to try again, the Church will look upon that in a favourable light. Remember, Jenny did agree to marry James and I surmise that what she is struggling with is the commitment she made.”

“But she said she was never very certain that she really loved him; that part of the attraction was that he reminded her of me…and even on the day they married, she had difficulty saying the marriage vows. She felt under so much uncertainty and pressure that she fainted.”

“Yes, I recall you mentioned that before. It’s true that a person must be free to choose their mate. If a decision to marry is forced; the woman is pregnant, parents force the marriage, immaturity, lack of mental capacity, an annulment could be granted. There may be grounds here, Henry, but as you already noted, annulment does not come easy and is a lengthy process. In this case, it is further complicated by the reluctance of the former spouse to agree to the invalidation of the marriage. Do not get your hopes up too high.”

“But surely if a marriage didn’t work and there was neglect or abuse, isn’t divorce the best solution?”

“When two people vow in front of God and the Church to love and honour each other in good times and in bad, until death do they part, what does that mean? That they can separate just like that? Yes, if abuse is present, then separation is warranted. In most cases, though, marriages break up due to unfaithfulness, immaturity, the ‘grass looks greener on the other side’ living in a fantasy world. More and more couples today are walking away from their commitment and promise to one another without even trying. It seems to me Mr. Hamilton is taking the first big step to making a marriage work; he is dying to himself.”

“But she doesn’t love him—and, and he divorced her!”

“Jenny is a very responsible woman and is looking at this situation very seriously even though her marriage might not have been the best. We have to assume that there was love present, at least at the beginning. True, they are divorced, but are they really?

“I know how difficult this is for you to accept, Henry, but it may be best not to interfere. Jenny must be left free to decide.”

The sun was just a few moments from peeking over the hills. The rays were painting the low clouds in a spectacular array of colors. For just a moment, the sight seized Henry’s full attention. The artist in him capturing its beauty and burning it into his mind. But not even the glory of the impending morning could hold his gaze for long. Instantly he returned to the reality of the moment and the heavy weight he would have to carry in the days ahead; not knowing what the future held.

Father was better able to read his son in the growing light. His entire body language exhibited sorrow and forlornness. Perhaps he could get Henry to change his perspective.

“Henry, look at the wedding ring on your finger and think about the oath you and Julean made to each other on the day of your wedding. As I just said, all too many these days consider their vows meaningless. There is a lack of commitment. The world is changing wherein we ourselves have become like any other commodity. If it’s no good, we throw it out and get a new one. All too many live in a fantasy world that the feeling that brought them to make their vows is gone and thus feel they are no longer in love.

“Love is not a feeling in the final analysis; it is a decision.

“Couples who are married for forty, fifty, and sixty years did not always have it easy. They had their trials and I’m sure many times were ready to quit, but they didn’t because they made a commitment to love in good and bad times.

“Marriage is a relationship in which we can grow up or stay proud and self centered and think that our spouse is no longer worthy of them. They feel they deserve better and think the grass is greener on the other side. They have failed to take this tremendous opportunity to die to themselves.

“Just a few weeks ago, you noted how Jenny had died to herself in forgiving Peter. That through her actions, you more fully understood the Scripture in which Jesus said, ‘unless a seed dies, it cannot bear fruit.’ When a person wants the best for his partner, he looks for the good in others who God created and is more concerned for the happiness of their partner than themselves, they are then realizing their commitment to love. They will see the grass can be even greener on their side if they water it enough through acceptance, understanding, compassion and forgiveness.

“Henry, your dear Jenny may love you with all her heart and yet, she may sacrifice it for the sake of the man she married and to keep her family together.”

“Oh, Father, I don’t like what you’re saying or where this could be heading.”

Henry shook his head struggling to hold back his emotions of despair.

“I could offer you words of hope and say all will be fine, but you have to face the eventuality of what might occur. Consider this; what if Julean were still alive? For years she stayed with you despite her awareness of the love you had for your teenage sweetheart. What if James had died and Jenny suddenly came along? What would you do? Would you abandon Julean? Is your love so great for Jenny that you would now turn your back on your wife? Or, even if your marriage with Julean was mediocre, what would you do? When you stood at the altar and you and Julean exchanged vows, did you not vow to marry each other for better or worse?

“Henry, is divorce ever an option?”

“But if Julean and I were divorced, it would be different, Father.”

“But what if Julean wanted you back? What if the children you both gave life to, wanted their mother and you back together? What then?”

What Father just said struck Henry hard. It really hit home.

“Jenny is facing such a decision, Henry. When she said, ‘I do,’ Jenny recognized that does not automatically mean that they were going to live happily ever after and that the road would be free and easy. No, she decided to love her husband and accept him even when the feelings that stung their hearts for one another faded away. Jenny planted deeper seeds and I believe it was because of her faith in God and His creation; she loved whether she felt like it or not, she accepted her husband when he was not deserving of it, she cared and showed understanding and compassion when she could have hated and spouted angry words. She stuck it out, Henry. What Jenny did for all the years that she was married was plant the seed of a love that now has sprouted. Even though her husband did not have Jenny’s faith and loving acceptance, she had Jesus at the centre of her life. I think that is what kept her centered and sustained her. Had Jenny not been planted on such a rock, her life would have been in disarray and James would have died as a lost soul.”

“Jenny’s capacity to die to herself and see the good and potential in others, is a powerful example. That is a remarkable trait.”

Father paused and after a long moment went on to say, “If a married couple places Jesus at the center of their marriage and truly has their partner’s best interests always at heart, the divorce rate would quickly decline. Counseling helps in marital difficulties and may help for awhile, but unless the counseling promotes to have Jesus at the centre, the struggle for all too many is too great. It draws them back to their selves and self-centeredness. We love for Christ’s sake. We obey His commandments; we live out His teachings and we need His strength and grace to do so.”

Henry no longer spoke. He simply closed his eyes and let the rays of the sun streaming into the prayer house warm his face and soothe his spirit. If James now wanted to make amends and save his marriage, was it right for him to stand in James’ way? And what about J.J.? Henry recalled reading in Jenny’s diary how much she wanted to reconcile with her son. Henry’s stomach began to churn as he was beginning to see the other side. Should he put up a fight and try to win her…? Henry knew the deep decision Jenny was facing and his role was to simply be supportive and give Jenny the freedom to choose. Henry was realizing what it meant to love and yet he struggled against it. Father’s words that followed were not hopeful.

“So you are free to re-marry, but Jenny isn’t. The only options are an annulment or Mr. Hamilton dies.”

“But that’s the thing, Father!” Henry exclaimed, suddenly coming to life again. “James could outlive us all!”

“I thought you said the man was gravely ill.”

“He is, but he plans to have life support and a group of doctors to stand by and make sure he lives as long as necessary until a cure is developed. If life support fails, he plans to have his body frozen—”

“What do you mean, Henry, frozen? I have not heard of such a thing.”

“This is new to me as well, Father. Apparently scientists have developed a way to freeze one’s body at the point of death while there is still life in the brain. They still haven’t figured out how to thaw the person safely after a cure is found. However, scientists think within a year or two they shall know how to bring the body back quickly without damage to the cells or brain.”

Father shook his head. “Mein leiber Gott, what will people think of next?”

Father slapped his knees, startling Henry. “It is time to turn this matter over to the Lord. Let us celebrate Mass together, Henry. Let us offer up this Mass for Jenny and her family and for you and your family as well. I have said it before and you will probably hear me say it again: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and not your own understanding. Over and over, during the years, my son, you have seen how the divine providence of God works and turns all situations into good.”

Father got up and clapped Henry’s shoulders. “Come, let us receive the Lord into our hearts, our bodies, and souls.”