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The long drive through the night to Tess's had given me plenty of thinking time and when I arrived on her doorstep, I was sombre and exhausted. Tess bundled me into the spare room and asked no questions.
But the next morning she was determined not to let me lie around in a fog of self-pity and dragged me to Enzo's cafe, our favourite haunt when I lived and worked in the city.
"It's a little entree of your old life. Have a nibble and compare it to what you've been gorging on the last six months. What do you prefer?"
"Are you talking about the cake?" I looked down at the carrot cake in front of me.
"No, you idiot. I'm talking about your life. City vs country. Do a comparison and see what you like best. At least you'll know what you want then."
"I want Josh," I said miserably. My heart physically ached at the thought of losing him. Every now and then I was shocked to remember this was actually happening. But it wasn't just Josh my heart felt sore for.
Here we were, in our old regular seats where everything felt familiar and comfortable, and yet I couldn't help looking towards the door every time it opened expecting to see someone I knew. Being back in the city reminded me of how anonymous I was in it. I used to like that. But I didn't want to be anonymous anymore. I liked the safety and the comfort of people knowing me, warts and all. Tears welled unexpectedly and plopped out, leaving a snail trail of deceit down my face. I shook my head, unable to explain that my heart wasn't just broken over Josh, it was broken over a stupid little town with weird inhabitants who I had come to genuinely care for and felt that maybe in their strange way cared for me too. It wasn't until I was away from Cameron Valley that I realised how settled I felt there. How, while I lacked a purpose, I felt...safe. Safe to fail. Safe for everything to go wrong and be able to wake up the next day and find people were talking about me. Not behind my back, mind, but directly to my face, telling me how much I had failed, between guffaws. But then there was always a drink bought and a story to follow it about a time they or someone else had failed. I'd once thought they were trying to leave me out, trying to remind me that I wasn't 'one of them,' but I knew now they were trying to tell me I was. And that in years to come when someone else made a mistake, they would re-tell my story. We were a community of ups and downs and shared stories, and I loved it. I missed it.
"I think I've stuffed everything up, Tess."
"Hang on." Tess waved her phone at me. "Here's your man now. Who knows? He might be ringing to beg for forgiveness and he wants my help to bring it all together."
"Josh? Answer it quick!" I sat on the edge of my seat.
She smiled and slowly pulled the phone to her ear, enjoying watching me squirm.
She put a finger to her lips then said, "Josh! What a nice surprise." She tilted her head back, letting her hair fall down her shoulders, enjoying the drama of it all. "What can I do you for?"
But after a moment her head snapped up. "Oh."
"What does 'oh' mean?" I whispered. "Does he want to see me?"
She shook her head and held up a finger. "Oh. Okay. Oh that's sad. Yes. Yes. I will. Leave it with me."
"What? What's sad? What did he say?"
"Okay." She came and sat on the chair next to me and held my hand. This didn't feel good. "Bit of bad news, so I'm just going to dive on in. Your friend Connie passed away last night."
I pulled back from her. She had a look of pity on her face. Tess didn't pity anyone; she'd told me once she had no time for pity.
"No. Are you sure that's what he said? Because I was going to start on her drawing room next week. I was going to take down the curtains, maybe even repaint the window sills. She was looking forward to it. She wasn't even that old!"
"She was eighty-nine, Molly."
"Are they sure she wasn't just having a sleep?"
"Apparently, her granddaughter was with her. She died in her sleep. Very peacefully."
"Oh God, poor Saskia. I should be there." I stood up then sat back down. "Wait, why did Josh call you?"
"He said he didn't want to tell you in a text message." I dropped my head into my hands. So, he still hated me then. "He said the note said you needed some space and he's trying to give it you."
"But only because he said he would make future arrangements! I didn't want to talk about future arrangements! I didn't want space! I just thought this seemed easier than staying."
"He said to tell you the funeral's on Wednesday."
My face crumpled and she put her arm around me and pulled me close and didn't even mind when I sobbed into her silk blouse. Eventually she handed me a napkin and used another to fix her top.
"Listen, I don't really understand it, but I think if you walk away from that town, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. And I think if you leave this man behind, you'll regret it even more. And then I would live with regret for not telling you. He's a good one, Molly. And I think he knows you better than you think."
"Does he, Tess? We've only been together a year. And since we've arrived in his hometown, his favourite place in the world, I've behaved like a nutter and complained about everything on national television, no less. He thinks I hate it there."
"So, give him a grand gesture. Show him how much you love it and love him. I don't know, humiliate yourself if you must."
"I think I've already done that. Worse, I've humiliated Josh. I've humiliated the whole town. To fix it, I'd need to go to every single person in the town and apologise and by time I got to the tenth person, they'll already know I'm coming and probably wouldn't open the door. Connie was the only person who might have understood." My chin wobbled and fresh tears threatened.
"So, apologise to them all at the same time. Surely this Mother's Day thingy wasn't the only event for the year. At the end of the day, it's Josh that matters."
I sat back in my seat. Josh did matter more than anything to me. But Cameron Valley had shown me something I'd never had before. My world had always been so small. It had consisted of Mum and Dad, Tess and her family and my work colleagues. There had never been cousins or aunties and uncles. Mum and Dad had really been happy in each other's company and so there hadn't been a lot of friends either. They spent their weekends together. Dad certainly didn't go to the pub with a group of mates and Mum never had a girly weekend away. I think the mere suggestion of it would have confused them. Why would you want to when you had your best friend at home? A love like Mum and Dad's was to be admired, and I wanted that with Josh, but I'd seen in Cameron Valley that I could care about a lot more people. While my world had gotten a lot smaller moving from the city to Cameron Valley, my life had gotten bigger because of the people in it.
And I liked being an Aunty to Alice and Tim's kids. I liked knowing that Connie was Saskia's grandmother. The family connections in Cameron Valley were slowly starting to click as I got to know people. And maybe, maybe they didn't hate me. Even Dianna. Being a part of a community was not about liking everyone. But you muddled along anyway. I looked around the coffee shop now and knew that if I didn't like someone in the city, well, I would just walk away and assume they would find a friendship somewhere else. But in Cameron Valley there wasn't somewhere else to go, and so you relied on each other. I wanted to be relied on. And I wanted people to rely on.
"Molly?" Tess said.
"I've got to go."
I raced out the door, all previous flatness gone. I had a zip in my step that couldn't be stopped. If Josh wouldn't have me back, well, he'd have to get used to having me around because I wasn't ready to give up yet.