CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

Ciara's house is crowded in a way it hasn't been previously as we gather the night before the challenge. We sit around the fire after dinner, all space on the floor and couches taken up as everyone sprawls in front of the heat. I look around at this funny little group, my eyes landing on Nico lying asleep across the laps of both Will and Phoenix. It's hard not to feel like I missed out there. Nico was an addition I wasn't expecting but it makes sense that where Sofia goes, he goes.

The others bubble with quiet disbelief at the few snippets they've seen of Elenlea. Aeyva dispersed their guest status between a number of contacts, primarily from other courts, to avoid too much attention on the Royalists, and they each wear a medallion around their necks. The absence of one on my own tells me more about myself than I have wanted to admit for a long time.

Across from me, Lochlain bounces his knee slightly. I don't miss the quiet glare Riley gives him. I'd told her about Lochlain's bonding to Aeyva because I needed someone to know – really know – what that would mean to me.

I catch Ciara's eye and she starts to usher everyone out, claiming she needs a good night's sleep before tomorrow. Rory readies to see my friends back to the house they are staying in, also organised by Aeyva. Hayes and Will wish Lochlain luck and he thanks them for their support. Hayes takes my face in his warm hands on his way out.

'He'll be fine, Lish,' he whispers. 'I can see what's there and you deserve to have it.' He squeezes my hand. 'It will be okay.' Tears well up at how well he knows me. And the truth he doesn't quite speak. Tomorrow is a huge risk.

'Nothing happened when Phoenix and I … it still hasn't…' I trail off. A dull ache in my chest tightens at what they all must think of me.

'You don't have to remind me, Lish,' he says. He gives me a firm embrace before heading out.

Phoenix has been loitering and the others wait for him by the hall to the back door. I watch as he makes his way to Lochlain, the tension thick around me. Aeyva watches closely, her posture totally casual. He shakes Lochlain's hand.

'I hope you do well tomorrow,' Phoenix says without releasing his grip, 'for her sake. But we know about your wife.'

I immediately regret telling Riley about Aeyva as Lochlain's guilt fills the room and shadows his face.

'If you survive tomorrow,' Phoenix continues, still holding Lochlain's hand firmly, 'and you hurt her again, I will kill you myself and your Court of Airlie can go to hell.'

Lochlain takes a deep breath and clasps Phoenix's shoulder. I take an involuntary step forward.

'I understand,' he says. His eyes flick to the others who are all watching, Riley with her eyes still narrowed at him. 'I would not try to stop any of you,' he says, sincerity in his voice.

Ciara hugs Lochlain on her way to bed with stern instructions that he not stay up too long. She gives Aeyva a long look and disappears up the stairs.

And then it is just the three of us.

'We need to talk,' Aeyva says.

Shit.

'Alone.' She looks at Lochlain. His eyes drag between us before he nods at Aeyva, and follows Ciara's exit up the stairs.

'I'll make us some tea.'

I hope my voice sounds neutral, despite my pounding heart. There is no way out of this, and I owe it to her, really. He's not mine, despite what he's said about how he feels. And she deserves to tell the story I so desperately want to hear, even as my gut twists at what it might be.

With steaming mugs, Aeyva and I head out to the deck and I watch the stars above us. The cool night air kissing any exposed skin.

'Lochlain,' she says, and I force myself to focus on her, palms sweating. Her steel and blue eyes are not as cold as I imagine they can be. Silver hair twists up into a messy bun, showing off her tattoos. She reminds me of Riley in a way, even putting aside that their eyes are similar shades. There is a strength and a frankness in both of them I envy.

'Lochlain,' she says again, watching me, 'is my bonded partner.'

My throat constricts and the vice tightens around my chest. I scramble for something to say but I come up empty handed. In the end, I decide it's better to let her talk. I'm probably lucky she's decided to have this discussion with words and not weapons. There must have been more to them once. And yet ...

'Yes,' I say.

'We were bonded a long, long time ago and vowed to look after each other for as long as time required,' she says. 'We have each taken those particular vows seriously.'

I nod.

'I'd like you to know how we came to be bonded.'

'Okay,' I say, not sure I'm ready to hear this story despite the anticipation pounding behind my ribs.

'When I was young. Really young,' she starts, 'I loved a boy who loved me back, every bit as fiercely. But he was just as young as I was and when we found out I was … expecting, he didn't take it well.' My cheeks flush as my stomach sinks, this is so much worse than I'd hoped. 'I know now he was also under extreme pressure from his parents but, at the time, all I knew was that I was with child and the boy I loved with all my heart had skipped town without so much as a goodbye.

'Back then, it was a sinful thing to be an unbonded female with young coming and any opportunities for me to find work, or provide for my young one and I, were very slim,' she says. 'With no bonded partner, it was likely I would be begging on the street for food.'

I open my mouth, but she continues.

'I never thought I'd love anyone else as I did that boy. My best friend in the world knew this, and asked me to bond him,' she says. I blink at her slowly, the hope I have been nurturing about Lochlain warming slightly. 'We waited as long as we could for the father, who I still loved, to return but Lochlain didn't want anyone to find out we weren't bonding for the normal reasons.

'So, we were formally bonded – although we obviously couldn't declare ourselves Soul Accords,' she says and suddenly looks out at the sky. 'Not long after, I lost the baby and Lochlain helped me pick up the pieces of my soul. Those that could be retrieved, anyway.'

I can't stop the tears that come to my eyes imagining that pain, but I have no words of comfort that feel adequate and I take her hand instead. She squeezes it once before taking it away again.

'Neither of us expected the other to not see anyone else, obviously – we knew we were just very good friends. But Lochlain promised to never tell anyone of our arrangement, of my loss. That would always be my decision. At the time, I thought I would never feel anything for anyone ever again and so I promised to only release him from the bonding if he found someone worthy of him.'

My heart skips a beat, but I stay silent.

'But making his vow to not expose me, also meant he couldn't be open with anyone else. Most of his dear ones either didn't care he was bonded or didn't stick around long enough to find out,' she says. 'And I certainly haven't been in such … close proximity to them. But you—'

'I'm not his … dear one, Aeyva, I assure you nothing has happened,' I say. 'But—'

I don't need to tell her I wanted it to. That I feel an intimacy with him, despite the fact we haven't been physical with each other. How their relationship didn't add up to me. It's all over her face that she already knows.

'You're missing it, Lish, that's the whole point. I wouldn't have cared if it did, but it impressed me that it didn't.'

I sit back. 'You were testing me?'

She purses her lips slightly in a non-committal expression. 'Not purposefully,' she says, 'but you and Lochlain … it's not an easy thing you want to start, Lish.' Unease stirs quietly in my mind. 'But it became clear that you have pretty deep feelings for him and yet you respected him and the thought of his bonding enough to stay away,' she says.

She looks at me then and I brace myself at the look on her face. 'And now, even when you thought you couldn't have him, you're still prepared to stand by him. By us. I should have told you before now. I was stubborn about it and – I'm sorry. I just – I needed to know I could trust you with him before I could share my deepest hurt. To be frank with you, I'm still not sure I can trust you with him. But it's also very obvious that his attention is divided, and he cannot walk into tomorrow without having talked openly with you.'

I walk over to the railing at the edge of the deck and lean on my forearms, bent in the middle. 'I … understand hiding from truths, Aeyva. I wish he hadn't lied but … I get it.'

She comes to stand next to me.

'He is nothing if not loyal. Even if it hurts him beyond reason. And make no mistake, Lish, it has been hurting him. Mostly because he knows he's been hurting you,' she says. 'Look,' she breathes out her nose, 'I don't really have a right to ask this but, please, don't make him pay for my … tardiness in telling you. I didn't want either of you to suffer. And, regardless of what future lies ahead for you both, it is imperative he comes out of the challenge alive.'

The weight of her words pulls at my shoulders, and I close my eyes against the lack of faith she has in me. In Lochlain and me.

'Did you ever see him again?' I ask her.

'The father?' she asks.

Rory appears on the deck behind us, having finished his chaperone duties, and she turns to face him. 'Are you checking I'm telling my story, Rory?'

'You know I am, sweetheart. He's waited long enough,' he says. 'It's been painful to watch him try and restrain himself. He deserves this. They will have enough challenges, we don't need to be one of them.'

My face heats.

Without looking at me, she continues. 'I did see the father again, Lish, and he's lucky he survived that first time. But, somehow, we have become best friends,' she says.

'And I will spend every day trying to make it up to her,' Rory says. I look between them as he approaches her and draws her in for a hug. 'You did good, Aeyva. It was past time.'

He shouts up the stairs as we walk through the open deck doors and back into the living area. 'Loch! We're out.'

'We don't do anything that resembles a last goodbye,' Aeyva says quietly to me. 'Night!' she sings out and then I'm on my own.

A stair creaks, and I glance up to find Lochlain slowly making his way down. The room compresses around me, my heart rate rising as I feel him watching me, assessing my reaction to my conversation with Aeyva.

'Shall we sit?' he asks quietly when he reaches me.

We move to what's become our usual couch and I wait him out, my chest just about bursting, but I need him to start.

'So,' he says but doesn't go on.

His face is illuminated by the fire and the lantern that hangs by one of the armchairs. It's dark enough to make his freckles hard to make out, but the copper rings in his eyes are vivid. I haven't worked out all the connections the colour changes mean for his mood. Right now, I have a reasonable idea, but I still refuse to look at his mouth. I need to hear what he has to say first. I keep waiting, not shying away from his gaze.

'You've spoken to Aeyva?' he asks roughly.

'I have.'

'And?'

'I'd like to hear from you first.'

Blood pounds in my ears.

We're facing each other on the couch, me with both legs crossed on the cushion and leaning against the arm and he with one leg on the couch and his arm draped over the back of it, a fist propping up his head. We don't touch but the humming connection between us is impossible to ignore.

'I'm sorry I didn't tell you,' he says. 'Either that I am bonded or the reason for it. I – I wanted to, desperately wanted to, but it wasn't my story to tell, and I had promised her I wouldn't.'

'And?' It's my turn to ask.

'And …' he says, 'I'm relieved you finally know. But I'm terrified it's too late, anyway.'

I can feel that fluttering against me, my heart flutters for a different reason.

'Too late for what?' I ask.

He blows out a breath. 'For me to know how you feel, how you would have felt if it hadn't been such a mess.'

I frown at him; I'd thought it was pretty obvious how I felt. I'd constantly tried to keep myself suppressed around him, but his emotions leak through to me. I'd assumed mine did the same.

'What do you mean?' I ask.

'Well, there were times, I thought you were … interested. But—' His embarrassment tinges the space between us, and he runs a hand through his hair.

'Tell me,' I prompt gently.

He takes a deep breath. 'There were times I thought you were interested, okay? In me. But I wasn't sure. We didn't exactly meet under normal circumstances and, then, when you found out about Aeyva I was sure that would be the end of it but then – when I healed you – I hoped, but I couldn't get a proper read on you. And you're the Queen and we—' he stumbles.

'You mean, you can't normally feel me?' I ask.

'Not like I think you can feel me, try as I have to stop that,' he says.

I worry a little bit then. 'What about'—I wave my hands vaguely between us—'the … crackle here? Is that just me?'

The corners of his mouth go up. 'That is definitely not just you,' he says, 'that's the only thing that's made me think I'm not going totally insane over here on my own.'

'Huh,' I say.

'Huh?' he imitates me. 'I've just laid myself out to you, not very eloquently, I'll grant you that, but 'huh' is your response?' His brows disappear into his curls.

Casting any restraint aside, I take the hand that is holding his head and pull it towards me, placing it over my collar bones, his fingers framing the soft skin of my throat. His eyes hold mine as they darken. He opens his mouth to speak but I briefly press a finger to his lips. Having no idea what I'm doing I give myself over to feeling and I let it wash between us.

Closing my eyes, I let him feel it. The hurt and confusion when Odhran told me about his bonding, the fear I feel when I think of the challenge and the peace I feel in Elenlea, like I don't feel in Rhyton. The way my stomach flips when he walks into a room and my heart has threatened to give me away at every step. How I'd known he was different when we made our way through the wood with Niamh, and the safety I felt when I curled against his chest.

Slowly, I open my eyes to find his again, tears in his lashes. I smile at him as I lean forward to wipe them away.

'Sorry, I should've held back a little.' I realise my own face is wet too. 'I'll get us some tissues,' I say, hopping off the couch.

I grab us water as well, before returning to the lounge and setting the jug and glasses on the small coffee table. Lochlain sits forward with his elbows on his knees, and I stand in front of him, close to his knees.

'You okay?' I ask.

He reaches out and grabs the front of my leggings, tugging me forward so I stand between his legs, and he rests his forehead on the soft part of my stomach. My breath hitches as the warmth from his seeps through the layer of fabric separating us. I lace my fingers in his hair and let it slide between my fingers. His hands run up the back of my knees and thighs until they grip my ass as he presses a little harder into my stomach.

'Thank you, Lish—'he looks up at me like he has the world on his shoulders and runs his hands back down my legs—'for coming back.'

I can't bring myself to let him go. Not tonight. I won't think of it as the last night, our only night, but—

'Are you sure you want to do this?' I ask.

'I have to,' he says. The flames create shadows on his face. 'But I really don't want you to come. He'll notice you and I—' He looks down.

I place two fingers under his chin and lift his face to meet my gaze, his skin soft on the pads of my fingers.

'Lochlain,' I breathe. 'I won't let you face him without my support, too. I'm going, end of story.'

He closes his eyes as I shift my hands to slide around his face and up into the sides of his hair. He presses his own hands against my ass again, a gentle invitation. I let myself drop into him, straddling his lap. The copper rings in his eyes burn bright when he opens them again, scanning my face.

My mouth.

Slowly, I trace the outline of his lips with a finger and they part slightly, his breath hot on my skin. Dropping my hand to his chest, I follow the gentle ridges of his lips with my mouth instead. Pressing soft kisses on his skin until he grips the ends of my hair and I gasp as a shiver runs down my spine. Still holding my hair, Lochlain looks at me again. A moment of stillness passes between us … and then our mouths find each other.

The softness of his mouth against the desperation of his kiss is only fuel for the heat already pooling in my body.

He slides his hands up the inside of my top, my skin prickling in their wake, and lifts it over my head and down my arms. Tossing it to the floor as he reclaims my mouth. I rock into him, his own desire apparent between my legs, and I smile as a groan escapes his throat. He moves to my neck, running his nose up and towards my ear, and I arch into him. I unlatch my bra and he quickly takes a breast in each hand, his callouses rough on my skin. Lowering his head to my chest he gently takes a nipple in his teeth and bites down. Just hard enough for my own moan to sound.

Carefully slipping myself from him, I shimmy my pants to the floor. His black eyes run the length of my now naked body as I stand before him, and he curses softly. Dropping to my knees between his legs, he watches me as I tug at his pants, lifting his hips to help me take them down.

Straddling him again, I run my tongue along his bottom lip and he nips my own gently in response. I can feel every inch of him against me and my body hums with need.

I still – breathing hard. 'I haven't been taking my birth control since …' I whisper.

He kisses me again, as if he can't bear our mouths to be parted for more than a moment.

'I take one,' he says, and hot relief pumps through my veins. His tongue is warm where it finds mine. 'For birth control and health,' he whispers between kisses, his hands running up my back and pressing me tightly to his chest.

Pushing his shoulders back into the couch cushions, I raise myself up slightly. Watching his face as I come back down and he slides into me. His eyes roll back slightly and it's an effort to keep mine open at how thoroughly, delightfully, he fills me.

He grips my hips as I move and I lean forward to kiss him, the building in my core drowning everything out but the feel of him. His fingers dig harder into my soft flesh, and I crush my lips to him as I take him further.

Meeting my rhythm, we move as one. Faster. Until Lochlain gives a final, hard slam into me and I cry out. The wave of pleasure emptying my mind. I squeeze around him, and he whispers my name as he comes, pulsing inside me.

Several moments pass, our foreheads resting against each other as we breathe together.

'Will you stay here with me tonight?' he asks softly.

'There is literally nowhere else I'd prefer to be,' I say, my voice husky.

We silently redress ourselves and lie down in front of the fire. I watch the flames behind the glass, every inch of me tingling where his body meets the back of mine as he loops an arm over me. I intertwine my fingers in his and hold his hand at my chest.

'Aeyva told me you're not her Soul Accord,' I say quietly, and he remains still. 'What does that mean?'

He tucks me in tighter to his chest. 'A Soul Accord is … someone your magic talks to,' his breath tickles my ear as he talks, 'in a way it doesn't with anyone else. It's quite rare, but being Soul Accords doesn't always mean those Calahi will be bonded; and those who bond don't have to be Soul Accords, either – it doesn't mean there's not love in those relationships.'

'It sounds nice,' I whisper, watching the flames. I don't know what else to say, but I tuck the knowledge away into my heart like a secret.

Lochlain's fingers hold mine a little firmer as he presses a kiss into my hair, my skin flushing with warmth all over.

'How come I never see you light this fire?' I ask.

'Just one of the many tricks of the trade.' He laughs softly.