Anicca and her Appa!
(WHICH IS TAMIL FOR FATHER)
by Dave Olsen
Anicca and her Appa!
It all started sometime after Anicca’s momma, Leela, completed her first ten-day Vipassana meditation course near Merritt, BC. We returned to our co-op home in Mount Pleasant (in the heart of Vancouver on unceded Coast Salish Territory), and decided we were ready to try to conceive a child. I had spent a few years preparing for this moment and I was confident that I had prepared as well as I could. No, I’m not talking about sperm counts or staying power. More aptly, I wanted to be the best father that I could be and I felt that I was on the right path, despite my human imperfections!
We didn’t expect anything. We agreed that we wouldn’t put any pressure on ourselves. If we were sterile/impotent/clumsy or whatever, we would simply enjoy the new style of lovemaking. Much to our surprise, we conceived our child on the first or second try!
Of course, we weren’t certain for another few weeks. When Leela’s period didn’t return, we waited a few more days. Finally, Leela couldn’t wait any longer and she took out the pregnancy test that had been in our cabinet for a few years . . . positive! But given its age, we still didn’t get too excited. When Leela’s body started talking over the next week, we knew better than any doctor: she was pregnant!
We’re Pregnant, Now What!?
We talked about whether we would say anything yet, given all the superstition around the first few months. We agreed that we wouldn’t hide anything and would tell everyone close to us. We also agreed to have a “Pregnancy Party” but it took a while to make it happen, since we also decided to move while Leela’s body was still mostly able. The pregnancy party turned out to be a big success, held in our new home by Hastings Park, which gathered people from all of our different lives. Only a few gifts snuck through the security (Leela’s young nephews) but everyone brought a potential name for our child-to-be. The vote for her/his name-to-be proved to be most contentious, with many (mostly Hindu) Goddesses’ and Gods’ names available. One nephew spent three weeks working on names that also garnered many votes, but in the end “Doug” (defined as the God of Inactivity) and “Shelley” (defined as the Goddess of Housework) guaranteed an endless stream of laughter.
At first we didn’t know where or how the birth would take place. Leela initially didn’t have much energy to think about what options were available and supposed that the hospital would do. That didn’t last long, however. Neither of us has trust or faith in a medical system that acts like a vampire and is based upon a patriarchal system of knowledge. Midwives, yes—midwives would be our way!
Leela felt lucky to be assigned two registered midwives near our home. Registered midwives are free of cost for the patient as they are now part of the medical establishment—and they are in high demand. She went to the first appointment alone. I joined her at the second appointment, which was similar to the first. We started by waiting in the lobby since they were running late. When we did go in, the pace was frantic. No time to ponder any of the hundreds of questions rattled off. Next, on to the examination bed for a Doppler. No heartbeat yet. We were told that we needed to decide if we wanted an ultrasound or not and that the research is mixed: some research shows serious tissue heating and damage, some does not. And that Doppler? Yes, that is ultrasound technology.
I didn’t say a word, except to answer the only question thrown my way: what was my racial background. Leela asked me to not burn any bridges since she knew I would not be amused by the experience. Well, after our second visit, I knew I wouldn’t be going back there. Luckily, Leela came to the same conclusion.
Finding Our Birth Path
What now? Our good friend Amy had conceived her child a few months before us and soon after our registered midwife experience, we ran into her at a local vegetarian restaurant. She was ecstatic to see us as she wasn’t finding much support for the path that she was taking. For us, it was just what the “doctor” ordered.
She pointed us to a midwife who had gone to jail twice for resisting the fascist takeover of the midwifery profession by the government. We knew that that was the path we wanted to take. We went and met with the unregistered midwife we’d been steered toward and it just so happened that she would be away at midwifery conferences that April. But she passed us to a woman that had studied with her for years but had been a little reluctant to start her own business. What a stroke of luck/fate/good fortune this was for us!
Hillary is a traditional birthing attendant. She doesn’t call herself a midwife, distinguishing herself from the midwives registered with the College of Midwives in BC. Hillary carries on the thousands-of-years-old tradition of women helping women give birth. She visited us at home once a month until the last month when she came over every week. She shared stories, information, laughter, and her books and videos with us. She helped us prepare so very, very well. One of the books she lent us was Ina May Gaskin’s Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth, which I read twice and have since recommended to every father- and mother-to-be I’ve met.
We also participated in a prenatal workshop that Hillary and her colleague Brooke held about two weeks before our baby was born. They walked us through the different stages of birth and we even did some empowering birth art. Not only were we focused, we were also having fun!
Leela did not stop working until the very end of March. She rode her bike (her usual method of travel) right up to two days before the birth. The checklist we had from Hillary for the necessary birthing supplies was just about all marked off when a beautiful Friday morning brought Leela some serious menstrual cramps.
The Birth Process Begins!
I was scheduled to invigilate the final exam for my first college computer class that afternoon. But it didn’t take much for Leela to convince me to make some phone calls to arrange a replacement. Although she wasn’t worried, she definitely wanted my company that day.
We went for a walk to Hastings Park where a red-winged blackbird almost flew into Leela and landed a couple of feet away—we knew it was wishing our baby a safe journey. On our way home, an eagle flew overhead. Throughout the pregnancy we were convinced our baby was strongly connected to birds and it seems to still be true. Since her birth, a pair of eagles flew through our backyard once, and one hung out on a tree on the next block while we were out on our balcony.
Leela’s labor got harder overnight and into Saturday morning. I woke early to her muted cries of pain but she was in good spirits and looking forward to the day. After breakfast, I started making granola. Her “contraptions” (our fun name for them) were still inconsistent in spacing and tolerable in strength. Then our birth attendant dropped by with the birthing pool (a turquoise inflatable children’s pool with colorful tropical fish on the side), which I set up later on. After Hillary left, the birthing process changed dramatically for Leela. She realized that she needed to be with me and touch me through each contraption. I was now making cookies. Every couple of minutes I would stop to hold her hands and say the words she asked me to give her: release, surrender, etc. It must have taken hours to finish those cookies!
Afterward, we ate lunch and then lay down in bed to try to rest. We tried doing some Vipassana meditation and she was able to actually meditate through a few of the contraptions. This was amazing for her since instead of resisting the pain, she tried to let it flow through her. Although she didn’t make any verbal noise or physical movement, I could feel the energy of each contraption move through her while I touched her leg. Very cool!
At about 6 p.m., Leela’s water broke and she went into the pool that I had set up in our upstairs bathroom. The sun was still shining through the skylight and the water was very warm. Our birth attendant returned about an hour later. She got up to speed on where things were and gave us some cookies and oranges. She mostly hung out in the room across the hall, letting us work through the contraptions together. Occasionally she would ask Leela how she felt and encourage her to try a different position.
Leela was very disappointed when the sun went down but, with some encouragement, was able to refocus and let go of her hope for a daytime birth. Despite the hours of continually holding her hand, I felt strong and very focused.
At what turned out to be about 10 p.m., Hillary said she could start pushing. She had been resisting the urge to push by putting that energy into loud vocalizations. At first she continued to grunt but Hillary helped her understand that this energy was needed to push instead.
After many pushes, Leela finally felt the baby’s head with her hand and exclaimed, “I feel hair!” From that point onward, she had a huge smile on her face! Hillary said that the baby’s head would go back and forth through the birth canal to stretch it out. Just before midnight, Hillary went downstairs to sterilize her equipment.
Soon after, Leela blurted out, “Ring of fire, ring of fire.” She said it so matter-of-factly, I couldn’t help but laugh. Leela was squatting and moving up and down a bit so I became worried about the baby’s head hitting the bottom of the pool. I reached into the pool and put my hand under her vagina and felt the hairy head. I couldn’t believe it! A few moments later, out came the rest of the baby! I guided her up through the water onto Leela’s chest and a few seconds later she let out this huge cry. That’s when Hillary knew she was born—at twelve minutes past midnight.
A Beautiful Baby is Born
We were so happy and honored to have birthed our baby by ourselves. Hillary quickly came up to see how everyone was and took over from there. Leela was given a hot herbal tea to help her birth the placenta while the baby was covered in blanket after blanket as they got wet.
I was in awe that a little being could just appear like that, despite the hours of working and waiting. I also felt like I should know this baby but really didn’t. It wasn’t for a day or two that the feeling of knowing her forever took over—now I can’t imagine life without her!
It’s a Girl!
Just before the placenta was born, I noticed that our baby was a girl. Her breathing was very liquidy but it sounded right. Her head was covered with hair!
After the placenta was born, we moved slowly and carefully into Leela’s room. The bed was prepared with clean and sterilized sheets. After adjusting for a while to the new environment, we discussed the pros and cons of cutting the umbilical cord. We agreed it would be difficult to wait for it to naturally fall off, so I had the honor of cutting it after the color faded and it was no longer bringing any nutrients from the placenta.
We allowed Hillary to quickly measure our baby and do the most basic of checkups after we were served a warm meal. She was 8lbs 3oz.
Sleep came to us at around 4 a.m. We woke before noon and quickly agreed on the name that we had discussed months earlier, since we knew she would be a girl: Anicca (ah-NEE-cha, as in “nice to meet-cha!”)—which is the word in the Pali language for the Law of Impermanence, meaning everything changes all the time—Rosalia (my mother’s name) Chinniah (Leela’s family name).
Her grandparents visited later that afternoon. She was the first grandchild for my mom and the first granddaughter for Leela’s parents. Needless to say, she was welcomed with bundles and bundles of love.
The Blissful Babymoon . . . Don’t Miss It!
The next two weeks were spent in a blissful babymoon where we focused only on ourselves. I simply enjoyed life with Leela, Anicca, the birdies, and occasionally our parents. After so much emphasis on the birth, it took a while to realize that this was merely the beginning. But given the joy we receive from her every moment since her birth and beyond, it is a journey that I hope never ends. Welcome home, Anicca!
Dad and daughter, Appa and Anicca.
Dave is a cob builder (a traditional building method using hand-formed lumps of earth mixed with other natural materials) and avid cyclist. He hopes that one day soon his daughter can ride and walk throughout the city without fear and without a filter on her face.