My experience with weddings was limited to my childhood, walking down the aisle to the same music, watching the stereotypical marital ceremony play out with different supporting actors but the same leading lady. The color of my dress and flowers may have changed but the story played on repeat. Those memories of my mother left a sour taste in my mouth even years later and a world away. They stayed with me even as I stood in front of the bathroom mirror at Sarah’s parents’ house.
Despite my mother’s track record, I wholeheartedly believed Sarah and Ian’s wedding was different. How could it be the same? The two of them were perfect for each other and the couple was surrounded by love and happiness. I had no reason to feel anxious and nauseous, but I couldn’t help it.
“You almost ready Mags?” Ally knocked on the door.
“Two seconds.” I had yet to pull on the pale pink bridesmaid’s dress that Sarah had chosen. My face was flawless following the thirty-minute session with the make-up team and my hair had been curled and pulled into a loose updo. I may have buried my past, but even after all these years, the girl staring back at me was no different than the child who had been taught that happy endings only happened in fairy tales.
I hadn’t always been so jaded. My earliest memory was of one of my mother’s second wedding. I woke up that morning believing I was the luckiest girl in the world. I sat so incredibly still while a woman with jet black hair, streaked with bright red highlights, curled my hair into pretty ringlets. I smiled with pride when she tucked and pinned flowers into the curls. A second woman with bright pink lips, tickled my face with brushes while peppering me with the best compliments I’d ever heard. My mother’s friends helped me into a poufy, light pink dress that was worthy of any little princess. It was the best moment in my innocent little life. I wanted to experience it again and again. If only I had known then that perfection was never what it seemed.
“Do you need help with the zipper?” Olivia asked through the door, pulling me out of the past.
“Yes, please.” I responded, taking one final look in the mirror, reminding myself that it wasn’t the same. Sarah needed the best version of me, and I wasn’t going to let her down. No one would be locking me in a room, in my pretty pink dress, leaving me alone with a brand-new blonde doll. Some little girls might have been happy with the new toy, but for me, it was another reminder that I wasn’t the daughter my mother wanted. That instead of being blonde with big blue eyes, like her, I’d inherited bright red hair and green eyes from my father. At least that’s what my mother said, and I’d give her the benefit of the doubt since I didn’t look a thing like her.
With a final deep breath, I opened the door. Olivia was waiting on the other side. Her dress was a deep wine color, identifying her as the maid of honor.
“I’m feeling nervous about today.” She admitted, using her small hands to spin me around to find the zipper. My body twitched at the sound of the zipper, haunted by the memories.
“Weddings make me uncomfortable. Everyone is watching, while we try not to trip walking down the aisle. Then we have to stand at the front for the entire ceremony. The whole idea just makes me want to find a hiding place until it’s over.”
“You don’t like being in front of people?” That surprised me. Everything I’d learned about Olivia gave me the impression that she was outgoing and would thrive being the center of attention.
“Not at all. I’m not shy by any means, but I hate having so many people looking at me.”
“Well, I hate weddings in general. Looks like there are two of us who won’t relax until we hit the dance floor.” I laughed. Our reasons might be different, but it was nice to know that I wasn’t alone. I couldn’t be the worst friend in the world if there were two of us wishing we were somewhere else.
The wedding was beautiful. Sarah was pure perfection, in her cream-colored, lace dress, with her long dark hair hanging down her back in gorgeous beach waves. Ian didn’t take his eyes off her as she walked down the aisle, his eyes glassed over with unshed tears. I know because when I wasn’t watching Sarah, my focus was on Ian. I didn’t risk looking anywhere else, fearing the eyes I would meet would be Justin’s. No amount of space between us was enough to lighten the weight of his stare.
Sarah had strategically paired Ally with Justin, keeping distance between us. She had no idea just how eternally grateful I was for her troubleshooting. Even I could manage walking down the aisles ten feet in front of him without causing a scene. Myles winked as I passed by the row where he was seated. I managed a small wave and smile, attempting to be discreet and avoid drawing Justin’s attention.
The wedding planner had scheduled an hour for photos and only twenty of those minutes required the bridal party. The eight of us climbed into the stretch limo to be carted off to the planned location. I sat angled away from Justin. The temptation to sneak a peak was strong, but I resisted. Curiosity killed the cat, and I had to be on life seven or eight. It wasn’t worth the risk.
Sarah and Ian had chosen a picturesque spot for the shoot, with gorgeous, tall, leafy trees and a lake with a shallow, man-made beach. The landscape screamed romance as we lined up for photo after photo. The photographer kept the girls to one side and, the boys to the other for what seemed like the full twenty minutes before she shifted our positions, directing us by height and gender. My prayers must not have been heard, because the photographer instructed me to stand directly in front of Justin.
The smart thing to do would be to pull up my big girl panties and break the tension laced ice. But given my track record, it was safe to say I wasn’t one for doing the smart thing. Instead, I stood in awkward silence mere inches away from Justin. My nerves were on edge; my skin prickling with awareness. I had to say something before I combusted.
“They really lucked out on the weather, didn’t they?” My eyes remained trained on the grass, paying an insane amount of attention to the way the heels of my shoes had sunk in.
“The weather? Seriously, Mags?” Justin tapped his foot against my heel. “Can’t even look at me now?” I turned my head enough to lock eyes with him in defiance, but my defenses weakened at the sight of his face.
“Sorry. It’s awkward.” I whispered.
“Doesn’t have to be.” Justin’s voice was low enough for only me to hear. “Can we talk after?” I shook my head. “I’ll rephrase that. We’re going to talk after.”
“My boyfriend’s here.”
“Don’t care.”
“Maggie, Justin, I need you to look at the camera.” The photographer demanded, effectively ending our conversation.
On the limo ride back to the reception, I sat between Olivia and Ally and talked their ears off simply to avoid giving Justin any opportunity to pick up where we left off. I bolted from the limo and beelined it for Myles. Sarah had opted against a traditional head table for the reception, making it easier to glue myself to Myles and keep my distance from Justin for the night.
With the plates emptied, food consumed and the open bar becoming the main attraction, staying near Myles proved to be a challenge. For a reporter, he fanboyed more than I expected. Being in a room with dozens of people whose bands peppered the charts sent him into journalistic overload. When I invited him, he agreed not to publish a single detail about the event, but that didn’t mean he could just turn off his instincts. While he was busy wandering the room, I was stalked by Justin. I tried to stay in the open but the moment he was close enough, he took advantage.
“Maggie, I swear if you keep dodging me, I will make a scene in front of this entire room. I have no problem standing up there on that stage, grabbing the mic and spilling…”
“Ohmygod Justin. You wouldn’t.”
“I would.”
“Fine.” I relented. Under any other circumstances, I wouldn’t have buckled under his threats, but he left me little choice. I couldn’t risk ruining Sarah’s wedding over the bed I made.
“Follow me.” I did a quick scan of the room to find Myles. He was in the middle of a conversation with Ian’s parents and had no idea I was leaving the room with Justin.
“What do you want, Justin?” I cautiously managed the stairs in my heels, as he led us to a wine cellar located in the basement of the venue. The walls were stone, more for decoration than necessity, and amplified my voice more than I had intended.
“Why did you bring him here?” Justin’s eyes held me in place.
“Because he’s my boyfriend.” Pretty straight forward if you asked me, but my answer wasn’t good enough for Justin. “Sarah and Ian invited me and a plus one. Myles was the logical conclusion to who that would be.” He had me playing defense when I had nothing to defend against. I owed Justin nothing.
“Except you knew damn well that I was going to be here. Did it ever occur to you to just come by yourself? Instead of walking three feet ahead of me, while waving and batting your damn eyelashes at that fucking poser. I didn’t need you to shove this whole damn thing in my face.”
“What the hell? Why would I ever consider that? I’m not shoving anything in your face.” I stomped my foot and crossed my arms, pissed beyond belief. “We didn’t break up, J. We were never together. Jealousy has no place here.”
“You say that like it’s easy.” Justin ran a hand through his long hair. It had been straightened and styled for the wedding. You’d have to be blind not to appreciate the man in a tux. “Fuck, I wish I could…” He tugged at his hair, destroying the work the stylist had done.
“You wish you could what?”
“Why him?”
“Oh, no. I’m not doing this again. We’ve been through this.” It wasn’t fun the first time. A repeat wasn’t going to be any better.
“I don’t mean like that. I mean, why him and not me?” His face twisted, the sincerity in his eyes freezing me in place.
“What?”
“Why not me? The whole relationship thing. Why didn’t you want that with me?” Justin had never looked so vulnerable and I’d never been so confused.
Dumbfounded, I blurted out the first thing that popped into my head. “Because you don’t do relationships.”
“Neither do you!” he screamed, frustrated that I wasn’t picking up what he was putting down. “But that didn’t stop you from changing your mind. Why can’t I change mine?”
“I don’t understand.”
“You didn’t even talk to me about it. Two years! Two years of circling back to each other, and you don’t think that meant something? That two people who don’t date, two people who avoid commitment at every turn, somehow manage to maintain some form of a committed relationship, and it doesn’t even cross your mind that I’m the person you should be with?”
“But you don’t date.” I huffed. “And I wouldn’t call what we had any sort of commitment. Not when you’re sleeping with other women. We weren’t committed.”
“I haven’t been sleeping with other women. Not for a long time, Maggie. Whether or not I ever meant for it to happen, I committed. I was committed to you.”
“Oh, come one. There’s no way that’s true. Stop screwing with my head.”
“I’m not trying to screw with you. I’m trying to make you hear what I am saying. I’m trying to make you understand that I wanted more, and you didn’t even give me a chance.”
“Why would I have given you a chance? You’re not making any sense. The only reason you’re saying this now is because I was the one that called it quits.” My hands fisted the material of the pale pink dress. “That’s all this is. You’re hurt because I was the one to end things.”
“Jesus, Maggie, would you listen to the words coming out of my mouth?” Justin closed the distance between us and took my face between his hands. “I want a chance with you, Maggie. I’m not hurting because you bruised my ego, Mags. I’m dying inside because I lost the only girl I’ve ever wanted because she never gave me a chance. I waited too long, and it cost me. I wish we could go back. I wish that I could go back and tell you I wanted more.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“Because I’m chickenshit!” Justin pressed his forehead against mine, his skin hot to the touch. “Maggie, I know with you, it wouldn’t be just trying. What we have, fuck Mags, we could have forever. As much as that scares me, it’s not what’s held me back. I was scared you’d turn me down. I couldn’t handle knowing there was a chance you would balk at the idea, and I would be left alone all because I fell too hard.” Justin pressed his lips to the side of mine. “But this is worse, Mags. Watching you with another man when I should be by your side. It’s killing me.”
Justin’s admission rocked me to my core. He’d waited until the worst possible moment to bare his soul. How could we have this conversation when Myles was a floor away? I shouldn’t be downstairs. Justin was too late. I’d invested too much time into my relationship with Myles to turn my back on him. Dropping things with Myles simply because Justin had a change of heart, wasn’t fair. No matter how right Justin’s touch felt. No matter how much his words touched my soul.
“Maggie?” Myles’ voice echoed off the walls. “Are you down here?”
“Oh, God. That’s Myles.” I pulled away, putting distance between us before straightening my dress and hair.
“You look fine, Mags.” Justin reassured.
“This doesn’t look good.”
“Maggie?” Myles called again.
“Who cares what it looks like? This is the most real I’ve ever been in my life.”
“I care.” I panicked.
“Just not about me.” Justin dropped his head in defeat. “She’s down here.” He called out, raising his voice so Myles could hear.
“I’ll see you later, Maggie.” He turned and walked away, passing Myles on his way.
“What was that about?” Myles demanded once Justin was out of sight.
What a loaded question. What was that about? And how the hell could I explain it to Myles? He knew about my sexual history with Justin, but the past ten minutes were about so much more than sex. Maybe they always were.
Could you have a conversation about another man with your boyfriend? Or was that weird? It seemed wrong to keep secrets, but then again it had to be worse to admit you were confused about your relationship. And I was confused. If I’d known Justin was open to being more than fuck buddies, when I started seeing Myles, my choices would have been different. Myles didn’t deserve to hear that.
“He just wanted to talk. Clear the air.” I lied my way past the guilt that accompanies dishonesty.
“It didn’t look like you were clearing the air.” Myles challenged.
“His intentions were good. The conversation just got a little heated.”
“It didn’t seem like a little bit to me. Do you want me to talk to him?” He had me at a loss. Should I consider his offer sweet? Or should I be pissed that he felt the need to offer up his manly protection? Considering I’m a woman who thrives off being independent…Myles left me swallowing my tongue.
“No. It’s fine. Things are fine. He’s just having a hard time with the awkwardness. It’s weird having friends that are married. We end up seeing each other from time to time. It’s not the clean break he’s used to. I don’t have a problem with it and I’m sure with more time, he won’t either.” Holy crap, I’m a genius. Good cover Maggie. That not only sounded believable but hella logical.
“He shouldn’t be making it your problem. Especially not at your friends’ wedding.” Myles shoved his hands into the pockets of his suit jacket. “He might be used to doing whatever he wants whenever he wants, but that was a dick move. Not only to you but to them too.”
As soon as the words were out, I took offense. Probably shouldn’t have, but I did. Who was he to make assumptions about Justin? He wasn’t being a dick at all. He may not have gone about it the right way, but if he wanted to be a dick, he could have made a scene upstairs. But he didn’t.
“I’m going to disagree with you about that one.” I was teetering on the edge of an argument, managing my frustration brought on by Justin and aggravated by Myles. “Can we just go upstairs and enjoy the rest of the night?” It was my final plea, to just move on and forget about everything that happened down here before I lost my shit and was the one to ruin Sarah’s wedding.
“Sure. If that’s what you want.”
The rest of our evening was painful. While Sarah and Ian were in a state of euphoria, smiles plastered on their faces as they walked the room, dancing and talking to their guests, Justin, Myles, and I were sporting attitudes better suited for a funeral than a wedding.
Justin had stationed himself at the far side of the room, propping himself against the wall. Myles stayed by my side and attempted to distract me from how shitty our night had become. He failed miserably and I spent yet another wedding contemplating about my worthiness. Myles deserved better from me. He deserved a girlfriend who wasn’t easily swayed by another man. Even if I had no intention of acting on it. Justin deserved better than someone who didn’t put him first. I might not be the little girl falling short of my mother’s expectations, but I wasn’t living up to my own as an adult. Some things never change.