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“I DON’T UNDERSTAND you, Thomas. You’ve never been this uncivil before, and it doesn’t become you.”
Thomas ignored Faith as he stared out at the ocean during their walk back to her home, and her exhilaration over the few moments she had spent alone with Nico earlier dissipated.
“Besides, it isn’t Christian to treat others like that, and you know it.”
When her cousin stopped suddenly and looked down, she thought that she may have struck a nerve, but then he tilted his head back, staring at the vibrant sky before starting to walk forward again.
She had had enough.
“Why?”
It was her turn to stop, but it was only after she yelled that Thomas finally looked at her, those gray eyes of his that she had always found so beautiful full of something brooding and dark.
But he didn’t answer her, and his silence only frustrated her further.
She waved her arms out beside her and clenched her fists as she shook her head, knowing how childish it was but unable to stop herself.
Thomas started to shake his head, but she stomped forward until she was close enough to see the faint flecks of ice blue in his eyes.
“You’ll tell me now, Thomas. It isn’t just that you’re acting so shamefully, but that you won’t talk to me about it. We’re best friends, since the day you decided to go home with Aunt Sarah and Uncle Sam. Why are you shutting me out?”
He reached out and gripped her arms, as if he wanted her to be still, but she pulled away, watching his stony expression ease into confusion.
Was it really so hard for him to tell her what was wrong, and why?
“Just leave me here. Go ahead, or go back, go wherever you like. I can’t act like I’m not upset, Thomas, so leave me be, until you can explain what is happening.”
She turned away so he couldn’t see the tears that stood in her eyes, waiting to fall as she struggled to hold them back. A part of her felt cruel for pushing him like this, like it was some sort of emotional blackmail, but he was the one who was holding back.
A few moments later, she felt his hand on her shoulder, but instead of speaking, he only squeezed gently and released her, and while she had her back to him, she felt him go, his presence fading away as she stared off into the distance at the seagulls as they gathered together above the water, calling out to each other in their familiar tones.
Was I wrong to pressure him, Lord? I don’t know how to handle this, and I don’t know how to handle how I feel. Not about Thomas, or Nico . . .
Her silent prayer came to an abrupt stop.
Could she care for a stranger she had only just met?
They had spent several hours together, working closely with Uncle Will and Thomas by their sides, and almost as many sharing stories about their families and lives, again, in the presence of her uncle and cousin.
What would it be like to take a walk with Nico alone, to see where their thoughts and discussion led them?
She was sure he would be a perfect gentleman, but Thomas acted as if he wasn’t wanted, knowing full well that Uncle Will wouldn’t have invited Nico into his home if he wasn’t sure of his character.
Her uncle had connections in Manhattan, and while he hadn’t mentioned this, Faith was sure that he would have had someone check into Nico before allowing him to come so close to his own family.
Surely Thomas would consider this, wouldn’t he?
A breeze surprised her, whipping her teal cotton dress around her legs as she pushed her braid from her face, where the wind had carried it so quickly she hadn’t been able to catch it.
She hadn’t finished her prayer, and had let her mind travel as it would rather than continue.
Please guide me as you will, in the direction I can best serve you. I trust that it will also be the path that will lead to my own happiness as well.
Her parents always said that following the Lord would carry her to happiness, and as she let the words fill her mind and heart, she wondered, for the first time, if that path might be a more rocky one that she had ever expected.
“It was a beautiful day for sailing, and Randall’s yacht was easily the fastest.”
Johnny’s excitement at dinner was a welcome distraction, and Faith couldn’t help smiling at his tale of boyish adventures that were safe enough for their parents to approve but thrilling enough to keep him interested.
“And how was your time with your uncle and Thomas today? Is Mr. d’Amici taking some time to enjoy our town, or is he focusing entirely on the work?”
Her father was staring at her in-between bites of lobster cutlet, and Faith wondered if she could answer without revealing the problem at hand without lying.
“The project is very interesting, and something we haven’t worked on before. Uncle Will is speaking with the contractor, and hopefully, we can all watch the construction at some point.”
“That sounds like fun! Can I come?”
Her brother interrupted, his smile impossible to resist, but Faith noticed her father watching her carefully. She had successfully dodged his actual question, but answered truthfully what was implied.
“I’m sorry, I think I need to rest. Please, don’t get up.”
When her mother stood up suddenly, Faith and Johnny, along with their father, did the same, and Faith watched her father move swiftly to her mother’s side, grasping her by the elbow with one hand as he rested his other hand on her cheek.
Her brother frowned at Faith, and she shrugged, remembering Aunt Catherine’s questions about her mother as well as her parents’ private conversation, which she still didn’t understand.
“No,” she heard her father whisper, his voice a little shaky. “I’ll at least walk you up.”
Her mother’s face was so pale that Faith wondered why she hadn’t noticed it as they had sat down to eat together. Perhaps it hadn’t been so noticeable, or whatever was wrong had come upon her mother quickly.
Maybe the food has disagreed with her.
A variety of reasons welled up within her mind, but she knew that whatever was wrong was nothing new.
“Please eat, children. Don’t make me worry about you.”
The smile on her mother’s face was so genuine that Faith wanted to cry. Surely she could do something to help, but she didn’t know what, and she definitely didn’t want to cause any problems.
Her father seemed to want to speak to her mother alone, his quick glance at Faith and then Johnny a clear directive that they should stay where they were.
Hopefully he would return and tell them what was wrong.
As soon as her parents left the room, her mother’s small frame engulfed in her father’s strong embrace, her brother nearly tripped over his chair to race around the table to Faith.
“What was that about?”
He pointed to the empty hall, as if she might not understand what he meant. Instead of answering, she held her hand to her forehead and closed her eyes.
“Are you sick, too?”
Johnny sounded so plaintive, as if he was a little boy again, and Faith took his hand, hoping to reassure him.
“No, silly. It’s been a long day, but that’s nothing compared to whatever is going on with Mother. Let’s just do what she says and finish eating, so when Father returns he won’t be upset with us.”
The situation felt like they were children again, following their parents’ directions so as to please them, or in Johnny’s case, so as not to get into trouble.
But now, it was all they could do while they waited for their father to come back.
“We went wading in the ocean this morning after you left, just the two of us.”
Her brother’s voice sounded small, no trace of a whine in it now, and Faith waited for him to continue. What was he getting at?
“If she was ill, maybe that made it worse.”
He could be right, but before she could say the words, he huffed out a breath.
“It was my idea. I wanted to go before I went sailing with my friends. I just wanted some time with her. Sometimes it feels like we’re growing apart, but it’s not anyone’s fault.”
The words came out in a rush, and Faith didn’t want to think on them, focusing instead on the way his mind was working.
Was he blaming himself for their mother’s need to rest right now?
She reached across the table and took his hand, knocking the fork he held out of it. As it clattered to the table, he looked up at her, his eyes glassy with tears.
“It’s just, we can’t stay here forever, can we? Is it terrible to want to?”
What was he talking about? No one would make him leave their home, not now, or ever.
Where had he come across the idea that it was bad to want to stay with his family?
“Johnny, stop. This is nonsense. We’re as close as we ever were, and I’m sure that walking in the water wouldn’t bring about any sickness.”
She wasn’t sure, actually, but it didn’t make sense that it would, not in this heat. Perhaps in the bitter cold of an icy Newport winter, but in the humidity of the summer it could only be beneficial.
“What’s wrong, Johnny?”
Their father stood in the archway, his figure casting a long shadow into the hall. The fine strands of gray hair that glittered like silver under the chandelier’s light echoed the pale gray tint to the skin on his face.
As her brother wiped his hand over his face, Faith spoke up.
“He was eating too fast and choked just a little. You know how he’s always in such a hurry to eat, mostly because Rachel is such a good cook.”
Her speech raced so quickly she could barely form the words, and her father narrowed his eyes at her before shifting his gaze back to her brother.
“Please excuse me, Faith.”
Johnny's smile was a grateful one, and as quickly as he flashed it at her, he looked up at their father.
“How is she?”
They both watched their father carefully, neither of them smiling now, concern for their mother obvious.
“Resting, and if I have my way, she’ll remain that way as long as necessary.”
What did that mean? Faith wondered, keeping the question to herself. If her father wanted to elaborate he would, but she wasn’t sure if that would happen.
It was selfish to think that she and Johnny might be left in the dark, with no explanation, but perhaps it was just a simple illness, maybe brought on by the heat, and her father felt it unnecessary to worry them over it.
“I’m sorry I can’t say any more about it right now. It’s something your mother and I need to tell you together, when she is ready.”
Johnny’s hand, which had fallen to rest on the table after he took it from his face, clenched as Faith stared at it, her mind trying to focus on anything but her father’s expression.
It must be something awful, for him as well as her mother to have such an unhealthy tone to their faces, as well as the need they felt to share the cause of her illness together.
“Come now, let’s take a turn in the garden, and I’ll tell you about the time your Aunt Sarah and Aunt Catherine drove their governess to quit, all because they decided to sneak out and roller skate down Fifth Avenue right into Washington Square instead of the hallways of the townhouse.”
Usually Faith loved to hear family stories, especially when they were amusing as so many of them were. But tonight, she wanted to run up the stairs and crawl into bed with her mother, just to hold her close and be sure she was safe.
Was there any way to ensure that she was?
Lord, hold my mother close to your heart. She has always been close to you , and has taught me to make the choice to follow you in my heart and my actions. Please care for her in the ways that I cannot.