| |
FAITH HEARD SOMEONE crying in the middle of the night, and she thought at first she was dreaming. Her room was dark, the heavy petal pink curtains holding back any trace of moonlight or sunlight, so she couldn’t tell what time it was.
She sat up and listened carefully, wondering if she hadn’t been dreaming at all.
It was her mother, she was sure now, and while the sound was muffled, it sounded as if her heart was breaking.
Her pink robe was laying across a gilded chair by her bed, and she snatched it up quickly as she headed for the door, not bothering to slide her feet into slippers while she stepped into the hall.
Johnny was standing a few feet away, his back to the wall and hands in his pockets. His room was beside hers, but a little closer to their mother’s, so either he had slept lighter than Faith had or he had heard their mother crying more loudly than she had.
His shirt was half-buttoned, loose from his pants, and his head was down.
“No, don’t.”
He held out a hand to stop her as she started to walk by, and she was surprised by the firmness in his tone.
“What do you mean?”
She obeyed him, but still felt the urge to go to her mother. Even if she didn’t know what was wrong, surely her mother would want her children by her side, wouldn’t she?
“Father is with her, and Dr. Colt is coming. I’m sure Grandmama Lucy will be with him, too.”
Faith felt herself shaking, but her robe was soft and cozy, so she wasn’t cold.
She was afraid.
“But why? I don’t understand. Is it something contagious? Could she die?”
The questions rolled out from her mouth as if she had no control over her tongue, and she looked down the hall towards the sound, which hadn’t stopped since she first heard it.
What sort of pain was her mother in that she could make such a noise?
“Oh, Faith.”
Johnny shook his head slowly, then reached out to take her hand.
“Let’s go downstairs, maybe hide out of the way, in the kitchen.”
Their parents had told them stories of times they had spent in the kitchen with Aunt Sarah and Aunt Catherine, laughing and eating waffles or ice cream. Or both.
Her social peers, who she spent time with at balls and parties most of the season, would never understand what was fun about sitting on worn wooden stools in a kitchen.
But Faith knew it was about the company one shared more so than the setting, and she fell into step behind her brother, accepting his hand as he offered it just as she turned to look one last time down the hall, where she knew her father was at her mother’s side.
“Do you know what’s wrong?” Faith asked, unable to handle the silence that fell between them once they sat in the dark of the large room, the starlight filtering through the window above the sinks.
He had been hunched over his fisted hands, as if in prayer, since they had crept into the service area like a couple of ghosts in the night.
“I do, and I wish I didn’t. I mean, it’s selfish to think so, but . . .”
His voice trailed off, and she watched him carefully, sure that he had ended that last word on a sob, which only made her want to cry more.
“Will you tell me?”
Her own voice was so quiet she wondered if he had heard her, but after a few moments, he shook his head, then, as if changing his mind, nodded once, sighing.
“The baby is lost. I’ve heard that this happens often, but like so many things, it doesn’t seem real until it happens to your family.”
Faith was confused. What was he talking about? Their mother was going to have a baby, and it didn’t make sense that the child could be lost, as if he or she had already been born and wandered off on its own.
Her brother slapped his hand on the wood block table, making Faith jump.
“That look on your face. You’re just so innocent.”
She felt herself frown, but she was struggling not to burst into tears. He wasn’t acting like the Johnny she knew, and she didn’t know what she had done to make him angry.
What was wrong with being innocent? Wasn’t that what, or who, she was supposed to be?
“I’m sorry.”
He held his hand to his forehead, his eyes closed as he apologized while still sounding exasperated with her.
With her hands tucked into her lap, twisting in the lush fabric of her robe, Faith waited for him to say more, but he was silent, and she was afraid to ask him any more questions as the quiet began to feel like a heavy weight over her shoulders.
“Oh, there you are!”
Grandmama Lucy stepped into the kitchen, staring at them both as if they had been missing, only for her to find them just now.
“I’m sorry, were you looking for us?”
Faith thought it was strange that anyone would think of her and her brother when her mother was going through something terrible, and she couldn’t help but ask the obvious.
“Of course, dear. Now, come along. I think your father needs to speak with you, and he’s in a bit of a state. Can’t say as I blame him.”
Her grandmother’s voice was comforting even as it was practical, a different sort of firm than her father’s mother. But when Faith stood up and walked closer to her, she saw that the older woman’s face was streaked with tears.
“Will she be all right?”
When her grandmother took her hand, Faith heard her voice shake with her question, and her grandmother squeezed tight.
“Yes, your grandfather believes so. We do have the midwife coming too, since she is the expert on these matters.”
Grandfather Colt was nothing if not humble, and while he had been a successful and respected doctor for decades, he never hesitated to call in someone with greater knowledge if it was best for his patient.
Even if, and maybe especially if, that patient was his wife’s only child.
“Come along, Johnny. It won’t do to be sullen for your father, will it?”
Johnny nodded slightly and stretched his arms over his head, resting his joined hands on the top of his head afterwards.
“You’ve cared for a lot of children, haven’t you, and you’ve seen this . . . happen before, with the families you help?”
Her grandmother kept Faith’s hand tight in her own as she reached for Johnny’s, grabbing it from his head and holding their joined fingers in the space between them.
“I have, but this makes it no less difficult for how often it happens. I know you’re speaking of your mother’s health, but I know her well enough to expect that she’ll take this hard, and the two of you need to be understanding. She may be your mother, but she is also a person in and of herself, with feelings you might not understand.”
Faith didn’t realize she was crying until her grandmother pulled her closer.
“Now, let’s go see your father. Let him speak and if you have questions, ask me. He’ll want to return to your mother as soon as he can. She, of course, is concerned about the two of you.”
That wasn’t a surprise to Faith, and the way Johnny’s lips twisted, she could see that it wasn’t to him, either.
Their father was standing at the bottom of the grand staircase, as he had the day before when he spoke to the two of them, and her grandfather was resting a hand on his shoulder.
Faith was shocked to see her father’s parents at the window, gazing out into the early morning over the water.
The next few hours were a blur, from her father’s explanation that the baby had not survived for some reason, and her mother would need to rest for a while to recover. He didn’t have to explain that her mother, and clearly he, were upset, and were mourning the loss of the child.
A little brother or sister, she thought. What would he or she have looked like? Would he have been tall like Johnny, or blonde like Faith and her mother?
Regardless, any new child in the Davenport family would have been spoiled mercilessly, and loved beyond compare.
Once her grandparents left, with kisses and hugs along with reassurances that they would return later that day, her father’s parents ambled over, and her grandfather held her father tight for a long time as her grandmother led her and Johnny upstairs quietly, returning them to their separate rooms as if they were small children again.
Faith was surprised when she awoke again, her face damp with tears, wondering how she could have ever fallen asleep after such a night. The house was silent, but when she pushed her curtains open, the sun burst through on her blindingly.
Oh, no, she thought. Uncle Will would be expecting her, and so would Thomas.
Had Thomas come for her and left already?
“She’s still abed, but if you’d like, I can fetch her, sir.”
Faith had her robe back on and the doorknob in her hands, knowing who she would see once she stepped into the hall.
Joanna was speaking to Thomas at the foot of the stairs, and Faith would have smiled at the way the maid’s hands fluttered as she spoke. Thomas often had that effect on women, but he didn’t seem to notice.
“I’m awake, and I’ll be down in a moment. I’m so sorry to keep you waiting.”
Instead of answering, Thomas took a few steps up, then stopped, shaking his head as he took in her disheveled state.
“No, not at all. Uncle Will told me there was a family emergency, in fact, he told me last night that you would most likely need to stay home for a few days.”
Her father must have spoken to Uncle Will, and even if he didn’t explain what was going on, it seemed like Aunt Catherine knew.
At least Aunt Catherine knew that her mother had been going to have a baby, and Aunt Sarah probably did, too.
The questions about her mother made complete sense now.
“How’s Johnny?”
Thomas’s question was just loud enough for Faith to hear, and she appreciated his consideration and his awareness that her parents were just down the hall, hopefully resting.
“I’ll check, as I’m not sure if he is in his room. Then I’ll be down right away.”
She pushed her braid, which was falling apart and tumbling into her face, out of her eyes and returned to her room, where she hurried into a fresh cotton gown, struggling with the buttons in her hurry.
Johnny didn’t answer when she knocked softly at his door, so she imagined that he was already awake, downstairs somewhere Thomas and Joanna hadn’t seen him yet.
“Oh, Miss Faith, he went out earlier, said he wanted to take a walk. I’m sure he’s just out back, though, since I’ve watched him pacing for a bit to be sure he’s all right.”
Maddie had always kept a close eye on Faith and Johnny, and that hadn’t changed now that they were old enough to look out for themselves. She intercepted Faith and Thomas as they were headed in the other direction, so Faith thanked her and they turned back towards the gardens, and the Cliff Walk she and her brother loved so much.
Maybe it was there that they would find a measure of peace.
“I’m sorry if I’ve been difficult this past week or so.”
Nearly two weeks, Faith wanted to correct him, but she wasn’t counting, was she? When it was someone she loved as much as she loved Thomas, though, she was.
Every day that he shut her out was another day she didn’t understand him, another day he wouldn’t let her help.
“I just wish you would tell me why. It has to do with Nico, obviously, but I don’t know what he’s done to upset you. Besides, you didn’t seem too happy about his arrival before we even met him.”
They held hands now as they approached the marble wall that separated the property from the Cliff Walk, no sign of her brother in sight.
“You’re so trusting, Faith, and you don’t have much experience with the world. Men will try to take advantage of that, that’s all.”
That’s all? He thought Nico would try to . . . what? Or really, he thought the man Uncle Will was inviting into his home, before he knew it was Nico, would.
It wasn’t personal, at least, which was good.
Faith wasn’t sure she understood the way her mind was working, but she set it aside for now once she saw her brother sitting on the Cliff Walk, her eyes finding him the minute she looked over the wall.
“Come on,” she whispered to Thomas, pulling him along to the steps that led from their grassy yard to the stone walkway below.
Johnny didn’t move as he stared out over the ocean, as if he was mesmerized by the swooshing of the waves that often lulled them to sleep at night.
“You could have told someone where you would be, you know.”
She chastised him gently as she sat down beside him, leaning into him just as their cousin pressed against her other side, imitating her movements.
She took their hands in hers and leaned her head against the stone against her back, surprising herself by bursting into tears.
“Faith, oh, come on, now, I would have told you where I’d be if I knew it would upset you so much.”
Her brother nearly stood up, but she held him back, pulling on his hand so he kept close beside her.
Thomas was silent, and she couldn’t see his expression through her tears but took comfort in his presence.
“Mother is so good to everyone, and she’s never harmed anyone. I don’t understand how this could happen.”
None of them spoke for a moment, until Thomas breathed a heavy sigh.
“But Faith, this is how the world works. Bad things happen to good people all the time, and there’s no reason.”
Faith thought about Thomas’ first father, the one who died as Thomas had held him in his arms, the guilt of that twelve year old boy still something Thomas struggled with from time to time.
“Mother and Father, and we, have always said to have faith and trust God during times like this, but we’ve never had such a time, have we? It’s something we talk about but never have to deal with.”
Johnny didn’t look at her as he spoke, but Faith knew he was telling the truth. Their faith had never been tested.
“But you, Faith, you embody that faith. You’ve always been optimistic, your prayers always hopeful. You can’t let this take that from you, not when we look to you as an example. It isn’t just your name, it’s that it never wavers in you.”
For the first time, Faith realized that her name, which she had always loved, was more than a word. More than a representation of something wonderful and pure.
It was an honor to hear her brother’s words, but it also felt like a huge responsibility, one she shouldn’t take lightly.
One she couldn’t abandon, especially now when, for the very first time, it was put to the test.