There are more rows at Christmas than any other time of year but they are rows of shorter duration even if they are rows of greater intensity. Then, of course, I am a man who supports the theory that there can be no true happiness in any household without a flaming eruption now and again.
I am not talking about the joy that comes with the making-up, which is fine in itself. Rather am I talking about the dispelling of those noxious gases which gather over long periods of calm and lassitude. I refer too, of course, to subjugated feelings and dispositions which have turned evil over the course of time as well as all the other ups and downs which assail the human make-up. If these are not unleashed and if they are retained unnecessarily the human spirit will corrode and instead of relationships which are vibrant and vital there will be inevitable stagnation and you will never have the air-clearing, heart-warming confrontations necessary to the successful maintenance of the human system.
People tend to behave too properly at Christmas and where this happens an outbreak of one kind or another is inevitable. Too-proper behaviour is not natural in that it suppresses the mischief and blackguardism inherent in all of us, barring a sainted few.
If this natural mischief is not vented at regular intervals there can only be two consequences, i.e., stagnation or violence, and bad as the latter is the former is even worse because a stagnant home is no home and a stagnant marriage is God’s greatest curse. The occasional verbal outbreak, therefore, is a vital ingredient in the successful marriage.
The most dangerous of the Christmas denizens is the common-or-garden senior male of the household. Nearly always he is likely to be a chap who is set in his ways and who may like to lie down quietly after the excesses of Christmas Day. The best treatment for this type of Yuletide invalid is to guide him to a secluded room and to place a Do Not Disturb sign on the door.
If he is suddenly awakened by some accidental intrusion it should be considered a wise manoeuvre to vacate the vicinity of the room where he rests.
Other dangerous denizens are senior married females who have been pushed too far all day and taken for granted over too long a time. The bother here is that outbreaks are totally unpredictable because females tend to suffer silently and give little indication of the explosive scenes which can and do occur as a matter of course in every respectable household.
When these suppressed housewives erupt it is always wise for outsiders to make for the nearest exit until the cataclysm subsides.
Thankfully Yuletide outbreaks, whether male or female, tend to be of short duration. They should be encouraged up to a certain point, however, for the good of the persons in question and for the good of the family as a whole. One of the most devastating Christmas rows ever to occur in the street where I was born happened a short while before the Christmas dinner. We shall call them Tom and Mary.
Tom was sitting by the fire sipping from a glass of whiskey. Mary was sipping from a glass of sherry as was the wont with females at that time.
‘Will you have peas or beans with your turkey?’ Mary asked politely.
‘It’s immaterial to me,’ Tom responded with equal civility.
‘Make up your mind now like a good man for I haven’t all day,’ said Mary who had been on the go since daybreak attending to the myriad chores which needed her attention.
‘I really don’t care one way or the other,’ Tom persisted.
‘Dammit!’ said Mary peevishly, ‘will you make up your bloody mind,’ whereat Tom told her what she could do with the peas and beans whereat Mary informed him that he was a thankless wretch whereat Tom smashed his glass against the floor whereat they harangued each other without mercy and without let-up for a quarter of an hour whereat they both grew exhausted and fell into each other’s arms whereat all was peaceful again and instead of having peas or beans they had both peas and beans together and a happy Christmas to boot.