When sorting through images stored in my mind of the time we spent together, the most bittersweet would be the day Zerelda came to take Jesse home.
The dark, smoky scent of fire filled the air as Papa and Uncle Thomas set to burning dry undergrowth in the woods closest to the house. Frost would soon sparkle on the ground, heralding the approach of a long winter. I ignored Mama’s tight-lipped glance and threw a shawl over my shoulders to keep away the chill when Jesse and I left the house to stroll on a path near the heavy woods behind the garden.
With frequent stops to rest, this trek was the farthest he’d yet gone from the house. Dry leaves and twigs snapped and crunched beneath our feet. When we reached the point where no one could see us, Jesse took my hand.
I fumbled for the right words to say and settled on a simple truth. “I’ll be sorry to see you go, Jesse.”
His arm pressed against mine and he chuckled. “You may miss seeing me, but I do believe your mother is beyond ready to have me go.”
Despite the slow pace, Jesse’s breath came quicker than it should. When we reached a small clearing, I pointed at a large tree that had been toppled by the wind. The root ball was taller than Jesse’s head, and its broad trunk afforded us a perfect place to rest.
Jesse inhaled a deep breath. “There’s nothing like woodlands, the damp earth, the moss, the softening wood.” A crow cawed and a woodpecker drummed against a nearby tree. “This is a pure slice of heaven.” He turned and looked at me. “Pure heaven. Just like your face.”
A blush heated my cheeks as he reached up and ran a thumb across my skin.
“Tell me the truth, Zee. Is it fair asking you to wait for me?”
“Fair? Of course, it’s fair. I’ll wait as long as you need me to. But I’ve been thinking, what if there’s no need for delay? Why don’t you let me go with you now? I could help your mother take care of you until you’re strong again.”
“You know your parents would never agree to that. Besides, they need you here, not traipsing around after me into God knows what sort of mayhem.”
“I’ve already decided I don’t care what Mama thinks. I intend to take the path that’s right for me.”
“As you should. But I don’t want to shove our intentions in anyone’s face. This is to be a proper courtship, at least as much as I can make it so. I plan to win your mother’s approval. Maybe she’ll be happier with me when I become well-known for my daring deeds. Just like the hero in one of those books you read to me.”
His notion made me laugh despite the fear weighing down my shoulders. I decided it best to open my heart. “If we’re speaking truth, I must confess something. I’m afraid once you leave, you’ll forget all about me, and I’ll never see you again. If that’s the way of it, please tell me so now.”
Jesse pulled me closer and whispered in my ear, “Zee, I love you. There is no one on Earth I love more. When I’m strong again and have found a way to support you, we’ll be married.”
“So, you’re telling me this is truly an engagement?”
“Indeed, it is,” he replied solemnly.
I looked at my lap, and Jesse lifted my chin. The strength of his gaze told me he spoke the truth.
Yet I wanted more. “With what will we pledge our troth?”
“I’m afraid I don’t have a ring to give you.” He wrinkled his brow then smiled. “But I’ve got this.”
Reaching into his breast pocket, he pulled out a large, burnished token that he pressed into my palm. It had Lady Liberty’s head on it, and I realized it was a one cent coin, the type that for years had been minted oversized until citizens complained about their pockets weighed down from cumbersome copper pennies. The metal held the warmth of Jesse’s body.
“A penny?”
“Yes, but not an ordinary one.” He pointed at the coin. “See the date? It’s 1828. My pa’s pa gave it to him on his tenth birthday. He kept it all those years and gave it to me when he walked out the door bound for California. I remember that day like it was yesterday because I cried so hard about him leaving. It’s all I have left of him now.” He smoothed a finger over the coin in my hand. “I always thought of this piece as lucky. I want you to keep it until the day we marry.”
I shook my head. “Oh, no. You must keep your lucky coin. I want nothing to stand in the way of your safe return.”
Jesse chuckled. “Knowing you’re waiting for me is all the luck I need.” He squeezed my fingers around the token, and his smile disappeared. “Let me speak plainly. I think it will be best if we keep our promise a secret from everyone. They’d try to convince us marriage would be folly. Let me prove myself before we even bring up the subject. Is that all right with you?”
I nodded, and he took me in his arms, sealing our promise with a kiss. I clung to his neck while the sun’s warmth blessed us.
Finally, he pulled away. “Come along now. We’d better get back before your mama and mine send out a militia to find us.”
I slipped the coin into the pocket of my skirt. Feeling its weight brought a small measure of comfort as Jesse took my hand and we walked home.
Zerelda sat in her buggy near the boarding house porch with my family gathered around. As though sensing my mood, no one smiled when Papa helped Jesse climb into the seat next to his mother. I bit my lip to see his wan face and the way he grimaced as he settled in. Jesse made the effort to smile at me, but the fact that he allowed his mother to keep the reins showed how weak he still was. I couldn’t make myself smile back at him. His departure pained me like an amputation, another wound of war.
“I’ll write to you, Zee,” he said.
“Yes, please. I’d like to know how you’re doing.”
After my supremely inadequate words, Zerelda clucked to start the horse’s plodding hooves. I shoved my hand into my pocket, wrapped my fingers around the coin, and thought of our kiss and our promise to each other. I was bursting with the desire to tell the whole world that Jesse and I were well and truly engaged, and that his absence would break my heart. But I was bound to silence. Tears spilled from my eyes. I pulled out my handkerchief and blotted my cheeks and nose. When I looked up, I realized Mama was staring at me.
“It’s past time we returned to a normal life, Zee,” she said, her tone stern. “Please make your cousin’s sickroom tidy.”
The fact that Mama didn’t use Jesse’s name did not escape me. She wanted all traces of him gone. Yet I nodded without a word of complaint and watched her walk to the house.
Lucy came to stand beside me and wrapped her arm around my waist. “I’m afraid Mama suspects how you and Jesse feel about each other. The expression on your face doesn’t hide anything, you know.” She let out a long sigh. “You glow like a firefly whenever you look at him. It’s the same way I feel when I see Boling.”
Lucy’s beau, Boling Browder, had returned from the war and been patiently courting Lucy for the past few months. He planned to open a small mercantile in Kearney, and Lucy’s shining eyes demonstrated her complete approval of the idea. He came to call often, with freshly picked flowers or some small confection. Mama took time to bake his favorite sweetbread, and Papa never failed to shake his hand. It was evident Lucy had our parents’ blessing for her marriage. All I had was a secret promise.
Suddenly, my need to speak about what had happened outweighed my vow. Lucy, my sister and dearest friend, could be trusted over anyone else. I hoped Jesse would understand.
“I’ve tried to hide it, but … Oh, Lucy, something has happened between Jesse and me. Today we made a pledge to marry once he is healed and finished riding with Frank.”
If my news surprised Lucy, she didn’t show it. “I thought as much. What will you say to Mama and Papa?”
“It will be some time before anything can be settled between us, so we decided not to speak of our engagement for now. Besides, Jesse hopes to convince them by his deeds that our marriage would be a blessing rather than a curse.”
“You know Mama and Papa don’t approve of poking a hornet’s nest. They fear further retribution from the Federals unless the South bends to every demand of the government. Authorities will be watching Jesse and Frank. In itself, that’s problem enough, but there’s more to consider.”
“More? What else is there?”
“Mama and Papa love their kin and have always done anything they could to help them, but they’ve never approved of cousins marrying and find such a practice to be most ill-advised. I know they intend to push you toward someone they feel would be more suitable.”
My hands knotted together. “As you well know, cousins marrying is nothing so extraordinary. Look at the Canfields. And the Morgans, too. I know Mama would like nothing better than for me to take a husband of her choosing, but she will not be the mistress of my fate. I still intend to be the one making decisions about my own future.”
“I understand. An arranged marriage worked out happily for Mama and Papa, but these days it’s a rather old-fashioned notion that often brings nothing but a cold and lonely union.” Lucy linked her arm through mine. “Love is seldom decided through the workings of logic, is it? I hope Jesse can do as he says. If he pleases Mama and Papa, then perhaps they’ll change their minds and things will work out as you wish. Come. Let’s go inside. I’ll help you clean out his room.”
I followed Lucy with an aching heart. I already missed Jesse and wondered how he could possibly prove himself to my parents when they were so set against him. Pulling dirty sheets from the bed, I puzzled over what seemed an impossible situation.
There had to be some way to secure the future I wanted without separating me from my family.