One moment my eyes burned with tears, and the next it seemed as though I could float away like a basket under a hot air balloon. Fearful of Mama’s reaction, I kept the contents of Jesse’s note secret, tucking the paper into the pocket of my dress, next to the coin he gave me. At night, I hid both under my pillow. Over the years, it often seemed unlikely that a life with Jesse was even possible, but with the note as a talisman, a renewed sense of hope buoyed me.
I stood at the dry sink to wash dishes from the breakfast meal, and sung a wistful war-time song I hadn’t thought of in years:
Beautiful dreamer, wake unto me,
Starlight and dewdrops are waiting for thee,
Sounds of the rude world, heard in the day,
Lull’d by the moonlight have all passed away.
Mama came into the kitchen, with a full laundry basket. I closed my mouth, and her eyes narrowed. “Take this and start heating the water, please.”
“Yes, Mama.”
I dragged the basket outside. In the yard, chickens squawked as I walked past them while the man Mama had hired to help us, hammered a board on the coop. The old red rooster flapped his wings at the unwelcome disturbance to his kingdom.
Flower buds had begun to tease with hints of the yellow and pink that would soon follow, and I filled my lungs with clean air. Never had I seen a bluer sky. Only yesterday, I didn’t notice the beauty bursting around me. Today, I worked the pump handle and added my song to that of the birds.
Mama spent her time in the kitchen while I pulled dirty linens from the beds and swept floors. We had no time to speak until the sky darkened and Mama filled our plates for dinner. We’d made a habit of taking our final meal of the day together after the boarders had eaten, so we could speak of things that could not be safely mentioned in front of others. It was a practice Papa had established once news of Jesse and Frank began to appear in newspapers. Now with Papa gone, and my brothers and sisters on their own, Mama and I sat across from each other, speaking politely of our day’s work.
Mama folded her hands to bless the food and then looked at me. “I am pleased to see you are following Dr. Lykins’s instruction. It has been a long time since you were so lighthearted.”
I dismissed our differences of opinion as though they hadn’t happened. “Yes, indeed, Mama. I’m very sorry to have grieved you.”
She passed a warm biscuit to me and smiled. “I have come up with an idea that I hope will please you. Would you like to go visit Lucy for a week or two? I can manage things here until you return, and I know she would be very happy to see you. She has been quite lonely during her confinement and would enjoy your company.”
Spending time with Lucy in Kearney would be a balm to my long-battered soul. I’d missed having a confidante. And with Lucy’s house lying only a few miles from Zerelda’s, such a visit might also make it easier for Jesse and I to see each other. I paused so as not to appear overly eager.
“Thank you, Mama. I’d love to spend time with Lucy. How soon can we make the arrangements?”
She patted her lips with a napkin and beamed at my words. “I proposed the idea a few weeks ago in a letter. We will send a telegram to say when you are coming. I think such a visit would benefit both of you.”
The corners of my mouth lifted, and I could feel my heart hammering with excitement. “Can we send the telegram tomorrow?”
Before Mama could answer, someone rapped softly at the kitchen entrance. We both jumped at the unexpected sound. She looked at me and then at the door before scooting back her chair. I wished my fingers were wrapped around Papa’s pistol as Mama walked toward the door and waited a heartbeat before pulling it open.
The damp scent of evening wafted in, tree frogs chirping a crescendo on the breeze. A man wearing a wide-brimmed slouch hat and long dark frockcoat stood in the doorway. I squinted until the glow of our kitchen lamp illuminated his face. He swept off the hat in a courtly manner to expose sandy-colored hair and a familiar grin. My breath caught, and I leapt from my chair to run toward him.
The wait had been too long to care what Mama thought. I thumped against Jesse like a ship reaching harbor. His arms went ’round me, and his chin rested on my head. I melted into his warmth. We stayed that way for a long moment before he stepped inside and pushed the door shut. His pale eyes shone with a sparkling intensity.
“Aunt Mary, I’ve come here tonight to tell you I love Zee and cannot live any longer without her by my side. I have enough money to provide a secure start for us. We’ve waited a long time and want to get married as soon as we can. Will you give us your blessing?”
Mama backed up a step and clutched a chair near the door. Her hands were white-knuckled, holding on as though to keep herself from falling. Her cheeks flushed a deep scarlet.
“Jesse, you know the life you live even better than I do. There are stories of robberies and murders and a price on your head. Detectives chase you everywhere you go. So do bounty hunters. You cannot expect me to allow my daughter to go with you when it means she will suffer the same dangers. A plan such as this is not wise. I am sorry, but I cannot with good conscience give you my blessing.”
Jesse’s face fell, and for once, he seemed at a loss for words.
But I didn’t intend to keep silent and starched my back. “You know being with him is all I’ve ever wanted. Jesse and I love each other, and we intend to be wed. I would like to have your blessing, but with or without it, I’m telling you we will be married.”
Mama lifted her chin, and her voice frosted.
“Zee, your disrespect does you no credit. You must listen to reason. I want only what is best for you.”
“If you don’t mind, Mama, I’d like to make such a decision for myself.”
“Daughter, do not be foolish. You and Jesse must not marry, if for no other reason than your agreement to help me run the boarding house. Would you leave me here alone?” Mama’s voice faded, and she swallowed hard. “Please pray about this and think carefully before you do anything you will come to regret later. At the very least, take a few months before plunging into such a marriage.”
I stared at my mother and noticed how the lines in her face had deepened and her lips had thinned. She looked older and wearier than I’d ever seen her, even on the day we buried Papa. In an instant, I realized the depth of her feelings. No matter how long or hard Jesse tried, time would not soften her heart. She would never agree to our union.
I turned to Jesse. “Give me a moment to pack my bag. I’m going with you tonight.”
Mama drew a sharp breath. “I cannot believe you would consider leaving under such circumstances. Think what your papa would say if he were still here.”
“I have prayed and thought and worried for many long years and know full well what I’m doing.” My gaze stayed on Jesse. “Let’s leave right away, please. Now that I think on it, there’s nothing I need to take with me after all.”
I saw a spark of admiration in his eyes, and his lips curved up in a half smile.
Mama shook her head and blew out a long, low sigh. “I had hoped with time you would come to your senses. Marrying someone who could be here to help us in our work would provide a secure future for you.”
“You seem more worried over the boarding house than my happiness. I’ve stayed here longer than any of my brothers or sisters. You can’t force me into a life I don’t want because it benefits you.”
She raised her hand, and I thought she might slap me. But her arm dropped, and she lowered her shoulders.
“If nothing I can say will dissuade you from this foolishness, at least consider the consequences of running away with a man in the night like a thief. Such unseemly behavior would bring shame to your family and to your papa’s memory. If you insist upon marriage, a proper wedding would be preferable to an elopement.”
Mama’s eyes glittered with unshed tears, but her features looked cold as if they had been carved from stone.
“Very well, Mama. I won’t leave tonight. Beyond that, I promise nothing.”
I moved away from the censure I saw written on her face. Jesse and I left the kitchen to walk outside where the chirp of crickets rose and fell in a soothing nighttime serenade. His pretty bay mare snorted and tossed her head.
“Easy, Kate. Steady, girl,” he said.
She quieted with the soothing sound of his voice, and I remembered Jesse’s way with horses. As I touched the mare’s sleek neck, the import of what I’d done struck me. I began to shiver.
“Would you like my coat, Zee?”
“No. I’m all right.”
He sighed and lowered his voice. “If you’ve changed your mind about marrying me, I want you to know I understand.”
“No. I couldn’t ever go back to my old life.” The words blazed from my mouth. “That’s finished for good. I want nothing more than to be with you. But where will we go? Mama will never agree to host a wedding of which she disapproves.”
He pulled me against the warmth of his chest. The sound of his heartbeat steadied mine.
“We could go to my mother’s farm. She’d be happy to welcome us.”
The thought of what Zerelda might say about the nature of my exit from home made me squirm. I shook my head as another idea occurred to me.
“Lucy. I know she’d let us have our wedding at her house. She’s already expecting me to visit.”
His brows wrinkled together. “Are you sure about that? Boling’s always feared any attention being brought to them because of me. A wedding might be more than he’d be willing to allow.”
“Lucy understands how it is with us. And as long as we move quickly, I don’t think Boling would mind.”
He shrugged his shoulders. “Whatever it is you want, I want, too.”
I thought of Mama waiting in the kitchen, and my stomach clenched.
“The way things are now, the sooner I go, the better. I’ll be on the first train to Kearney tomorrow morning. Can you manage to see me at Lucy’s after I arrive?”
His cocky grin returned.
“You know I can manage whatever I set out to do.” Brushing dust off the sleeve of his coat, I smiled. “Yes, I do believe you can.”