I looked out the front window and wondered if Jesse would be home in time to eat the biscuits while they were still steaming. The days were getting shorter and the overcast November chill was a stark reminder of winter’s approaching gloom. But the last few weeks had been happy ones. Jesse and Frank had stayed close to home and made no mention of travel. Could it mean they were tiring of their endless quest to punish the Union?
I turned back to the kitchen and a strong whiff of browning biscuits reached my nose. The smell made the room twirl and I held a hand over my mouth. I sank to the floor and gulped in deep breaths to keep from being sick. When I tried to get up, my legs were as unsteady as if I’d been spinning in a circle.
Unable to walk, I went to my knees and crawled to the bedroom. Struggling to keep my eyes open, I pulled myself into bed. My body burned with heat and my stomach churned. Influenza, I thought. I’ve got influenza! I remembered taking soup to the neighbors just last week after their diagnosis. The scent of dark smoke drifted into our room, adding to my stomach’s rebellion. The smell made me turn my head into the pillow and long for the clean air of outdoors. Yet I couldn’t rise to do anything about the burning biscuits.
The front door banged open, and I heard Jesse shout my name before the Dutch oven thudded onto the table. With no strength to call out, I waited for him. It didn’t take long.
He appeared beside me like an apparition. “What happened, Zee?”
“I burned the biscuits. I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“To hell with the biscuits. What’s wrong?”
“I feel sick and dizzy whenever I try to get up.”
He put a calloused palm on my forehead. “I’m going to open up the windows to get this smoke out. Then I’ll find a doctor.”
He tucked a quilt around me before he left. I fell into an uneasy sleep. When someone touched my shoulder, I jerked back into wakefulness.
“Josie, I’ve brought Dr. Schuster to see you.”
Jesse stood next to a short stout man with a balding head and handlebar moustache.
“Hello, Mrs. Howard. Your husband tells me you’re not feeling well. I’ll need to examine you to find out why. Mr. Howard, could you give us privacy, sir?”
Jesse glanced at me then jammed his hands in his pockets and walked from the room. Dr. Schuster listened to my chest, looked in my mouth, and checked my body for fever. Finally, he straightened and crossed his arms. From the appraising look on his face, I feared the most dreadful news.
“Mrs. Howard, pardon me for being so frank, but when was the last time you had your monthly sickness?”
My eyes widened as I tried to calculate the weeks. “I’m not sure, but I think it’s been a while.”
He patted my hand. “Just as I thought. You don’t have influenza. You’re with child. I recommend you give yourself plenty of time to rest and keep your mind calm. You must eat properly even when you don’t want to, or the babe will not flourish. I’ll have a talk with your husband.”
He smiled, picked up his bag, and left me. I was too stunned to say anything. A baby? Elation struggled with surprise as I fought back another wave of nausea. My mother had borne many children, and I didn’t recall her ever speaking of feeling ill. Nor did any of my aunts or sisters mention such difficulties. I wondered how any doctor thought it possible to eat when one’s stomach felt the way mine did. Yet I wanted to do as he told me, for I knew the risks of having a baby.
Three women of my acquaintance had died of infection and one of convulsions while expecting a child. While I prayed to avoid such dire circumstances, another worry lurked within my mind and I strained with all my might to hear anything that would tell me Jesse’s reaction to what the doctor said.
But I heard nothing until the front door closed. A moment later, Jesse bounded to my bedside, his face beaming. He reached for my hand.
“We’re going to have a baby! Imagine that. A child made up from the best of both of us.”
I returned his smile.
“You’re pleased? I was afraid such news might upset you.”
“Of course, I’m pleased. I’d love to have a house filled with children.”
“I’d like that, too. I’m sure I’ll soon feel better. At least I hope so.”
“Sweetheart, the doctor wants you to rest. Frank and I have been talking about a trip. Looks like now it’s more important than ever for me to do what I need to do so I can provide the best things for you and our baby.”
“But, Jesse—”
“Don’t upset yourself, Zee. I’ll have Lucy come stay with you while I’m gone.”
In my weakened state, I could barely speak, let alone try to dissuade him from leaving me at a time when I needed him. Within a few days, he was gone.
Lucy arrived the morning after Jesse left. She clucked over me when I had trouble keeping down more than a mouthful of bread or a swallow of water and held my hair away from my face when it all came back up. Despite how truly awful I felt, her presence distracted me with talk about a woman’s joy in having a child. I needed the reminder.
When the time came for Lucy to go home, my sister Nancy came, but she told me so many heart-rending stories of mothers buried with their babies that I wanted to clap my hands over my ears. I sagged with relief when Jesse came home, and Nancy said good-bye. Jesse’s eyes twinkled when he steered her to the door.
He returned and sat on our bed. “The trip was a success. Frank and I made enough money to tide us over for quite a while.”
My feeble state kept me from asking how he’d made the money, and then I realized the answer might not be one I wanted to hear, anyway. I clung to the notion that at least if he’d found success, he’d stay closer to home, and I’d have time to convince him not to leave again.
Jesse settled in the chair by my bed and pulled something from his pocket. “This is for you, Zee, for being the mother of my first child.”
It was a lovely black onyx brooch with a woman’s profile carved in white shell. I ran my fingers over it. The carving was so delicate, I could barely feel the artist’s marks.
“How beautiful. Thank you.”
“I bought a new horse for myself. Another long-legged bay, a real beauty. The man who bred her said she’s the fastest horse in the state. This spring, I’ll set her up in a race or two and see how many she can win. Yes, I do believe this is going to be a time we’ll long remember.”
Yet as the weeks passed, my strength did not return. Despite my happiness at the thought of a baby and Jesse’s obvious pleasure over the idea of fatherhood, I couldn’t leave my bed. Even by January, I still lay weak and listless. Jesse hired a girl to stay with me, as he and Frank had begun to go out in the evenings. When I questioned him over what they were doing, he paced the room.
“It’s nothing, Zee. Nothing to worry about. More of our old friends have moved here, and we like to talk over old times, that’s all.”
I heard him and Frank speak of Cole and Bob Younger, Clell Miller, and Bob Stiles. My heart twisted. Nothing good would come of such associations. I wanted Jesse to stay away from them, but he made light of my fears, bringing on another wave of nausea. Even a sip of water made me feel ill.
Fear puckered his brow, when Jesse announced he would send me to his mother’s farm. “Reuben’s a doctor, even if he’s slower than he used to be, and Ma knows everything about having babies. If they can’t help you, I don’t know who can.”
I nodded miserably and drew a breath to speak. “I’ve been trying to focus on the time when my confinement is over. Perhaps we could take the baby and go back to Galveston. Ever since you showed me the ocean, I haven’t been able to forget it. Living near such beauty might be a source of happiness for us.”
Jesse shrugged noncommittally. “Zee, you know very well the Radicals and Northerners have made it impossible for me to make a living in any normal way. Everyone’s out to get Jesse James. I don’t plan to dangle from a rope or go to jail either. I want more for us. Maybe one day we can get together enough money to have our own farm or raise the best horses around. But a plan like that won’t be easy. We’ve got a baby coming, and now isn’t the time.” He pulled out my valise. “I’m sending you to Kearney until you get well.” His lips pressed together in a tight line that brooked no further discussion, even if I’d been strong enough to consider it.
Jesse shoved my clothes into the valise and helped me dress. He drove me to the train depot and held my arm solicitously as I went up the steps leading to the train.
Then he kissed my cheek and whispered to me. “Along with your clothes, I packed money and a pistol, just in case. I hope you don’t find all your pretties in too much of a muddle.”
I nodded. “Thank you.”
To keep from tripping, I gathered up the skirt of a new yellow dress he’d bought me. I’d become so thin that none of my other clothes fit properly. I had no need for the flowing garments to accommodate the usual state of a woman with child. To calm my increasing dread, I tried to narrow my focus on Dr. Schuster’s advice and calm the fears swirling through my mind.
When the train arrived in Kearney, a porter took my elbow and helped me to the depot platform. Reuben waited on a bench, with a rolled-up newspaper on his lap. When he saw me, his eyes widened in alarm. He picked up my bag and put a comforting arm around my waist. “Come along now, my dear. Let me take you home to Zerelda.”