DAY FIVE
SHE sits on the sofa, stitching at an embroidery frame and looking impatient. HE arrives with his stockings in disorder. SHE looks up crossly.
SHE
Late, Mr Librarian. Very late indeed.
HE
Yes. I’m sorry. I’m afraid the servants were very slow this morning.
SHE
But now it’s mid-afternoon.
HE
The streets were icy. The Neva is frozen. The bridge over the Winter Canal is closed.
SHE
Sir. Servants are always late, in Petersburg or Paris. So their masters should rise early. I warned you the Neva would freeze over. In November streets are always icy and the Winter Bridge is often closed. Surely a wise philosopher, using the tools of reason and logic, can work out how to give ten minutes more to a short journey in the city, in order to meet his Imperial Mother at the proper time?
HE
I’m sorry, Your Highness. The honest truth is I had a severe attack of the Neva colic. And I had to return in very great haste to the stool.
SHE
Cold water baths, that’s the answer. Go to the public bathhouse and dowse yourself in the cold water baths.
HE
The public bathhouse. Thank you. I will indeed.
SHE
Do you know my courtiers think you are mad, Dr Didro?
HE
Just a poor clown in your service, Your Highness.
SHE
Do you know why? Apparently you have been walking around this entire city asking questions. The Secret Office is getting extremely annoyed with you.
HE
It’s my occupation, Your Highness – asker of questions.
SHE
Who gave you permission?
HE
My curious mind gives me permission. If I am to give Your Highness answers about how to develop and improve her country, that’s because I’ll already have been asking questions. Aren’t I free?
SHE
Yes, you are free. But just as you are free to ask questions, my people are free not to give answers. If that is what they happen to choose.
HE
I’m not sure they choose on a rational basis. They say that if they answer a foreigner’s questions, their noses might be cut off.
SHE
Surely that’s a rational basis. And have you seen anyone in Sankt Peterburg with less than a whole nose?
HE
True, Your Highness. I haven’t.
SHE
You see? So what are these matters on which you wish to ask your questions?
HE
I’ve tried to ask them about education and the progress of manufacture. Tried to discover how the economy works.
SHE
And how does it?
HE
I’m far from clear that it does. I tried to find out if there were shops—
SHE
Of course. Lovely ones. Look on Nevsky Prospekt.
HE
I’ve tried to discover how many banks there are in Russia—
SHE
Then don’t ask strangers, merely ask me. How many banks are there in Russia, Dashkova?
DASHKOVA
I think . . . none, Your Royal Highness.
SHE
Nonsense. I always have money. More than enough.
DASHKOVA
You use the banks in Amsterdam, Your Highness. And the Rothschilds in Frankfurt . . . the Fuggers in Augsburg . . .
SHE looks triumphant.
SHE
There you are then. That is what we do here for money.
HE
Banks, I truly recommend them as a stimulus to trade. If you want progress, you have banks.
SHE
Why worry about those things? You are here to think, not to become some greedy shopkeeper.
HE
I like to reflect on the greater good of Russia.
SHE (angry)
I think that’s my job.
HE
I’m here to reason. But reason is useless without an application. It can create wealth, invention, discovery, trade and science. How big is Russia?
SHE
Do you know, when I took over the throne, there was no map of the nation in the whole court? True, Dashkova? If you asked one of the courtiers about Russia, he had no real idea of where it even was. I sent Dashkova out to buy a map for me, at a shop for sailors on Nevsky Prospekt.
HE
Splendid.
SHE
So you see, we do have shops.
DASHKOVA
Except when you found it sold maps, you closed the shop.
SHE
Don’t gossip, Dashkova. Find it and bring it here.
DASHKOVA goes to the cabinet in the corner and gets out a map.
SHE
When I looked at the map I saw what we had all ignored. Russia is the world’s biggest country—
DASHKOVA
And when you saw this you decided to make it bigger.
SHE
Of course. Now look here, Mr Philosopher. I have Sankt Peterburg, Moscow, Archangel, Vladivostok. A route by the Baltic to the English sea, a route by the Arctic to the American sea. Now, notice what’s missing?
HE
I’m not sure I do, Your Highness.
SHE
No? I have the world’s largest deposits of ice and snow, the biggest steppes, the hugest expanse of tundra. I have the largest inland lake. But what about sunshine?
HE
Sunshine? Ah – I think I understand. To complete the collection you would like to have the Mediterranean.
SHE
Your excellent friend Voltaire, who always has my concerns at heart, tells me I should take Constantinople.
HE stares at her.
HE
Voltaire advises you to capture Constantinople?
SHE
Does that surprise you?
HE
A little. Perhaps you might have read his novel Zadig?
SHE
Of course. I read everything he sends me. It’s the tale of an Arab philosopher who possesses great wisdom and thinks he should be the happiest of men. Only his lover rejects him, his wife betrays him, he’s sold into slavery and endures every kind of humiliation. But at last he marries the queen and establishes a great age of reason. I imagine that’s why you mention it?
HE
Not really. It’s because in the book Voltaire declares his love for Arab philosophy and the Musleem people. So why then would he advise you to take Constantinople?
SHE pouts at him.
SHE
You don’t believe me? I’ll show you his letter. He tells me to revenge the Greeks, end the captivity of the poor Turkish ladies, scourge the infidel, and restore the true Church to Byzantium. Oh, and put up my statue.
HE
We’re talking about Voltaire? The great atheist?
SHE
Deist. My philosopher and distant friend.
HE
The man who hates war above everything? Who mocks the folly of killing men simply because they wear turbans?
SHE smiles at him, takes out a letter.
SHE
Read his letter, see. ‘Perhaps one day you will have three capitals, Sankt Peterburg, Moscow, Byzantium. Remember, Byzantium is far better situated than the other two.’
HE
Your Highness, if I were a sovereign, I should want my generals to advise me on matters of conquest, and my philosophers to advise me on morals and metaphysics. Never the other way round.
SHE
But surely there are just wars, and moral conquests?
HE
Yes. That’s always the opinion. On both sides.
SHE
Oh, my dear Mr Philosopher. You know, I am good, and everyone knows I am as gentle as anyone alive. But I just can’t help terribly wanting the things I mean to have.
HE
So yesterday a Rubens. Today a Byzantium.
SHE looks at him coyly.
SHE
Maybe I should have asked Voltaire to come here instead of you. He writes to me constantly, enquiring about your progress. I think he is a little jealous of you. And perhaps just a little bit in love with me.
HE
What philosopher would not be?
SHE
Very well, sir. Now excuse me, the English Ambassador is out there, getting very impatient. Go away now, and just think what it means to be a monarch.
HE rises.
HE
I will, Your Majesty—
SHE
And remember what I told you. Cold baths. That’s what we do here, isn’t it, Dashkova?
DASHKOVA
Yes. Your Imperial Highness is always making us take cold baths for everything. I’ll see you out, Monsieur Didro.
END OF DAY FIVE