Chapter 4

“Dah dee,” Jonathan squealed again and Jack got down on one knee to scoop the child into his arms. Too damned long since he’d done this. Held his son. He shouldn’t even be here today, but no way could he get through Jonathan’s birthday without holding and kissing his child.

“Happy Birthday, pal,” he whispered, not sure his voice would work with all the powerful emotion running through him. He blinked a few times, Jonathan’s arms around him causing his blood to pump faster, making him stronger. Anger rocketed through him when he thought about how little he’d held his son. Three times in two years was pitiful for a father to see his child. What other choice did he have though? Staying away was the best way to protect him.

Standing with the boy in his arms, he looked at the others in the room. Scott and Heather registered briefly, but honestly, Callie was the one who took all his attention. Still the prettiest thing he’d ever seen. How did she get more beautiful as the years passed? She wore a short, lavender-colored sundress that emphasized her tanned skin and long legs. Her dark curls were secured to the back of her head in deference to the hot September weather. Their eyes met. Was that regret flashing from them? Was it his constant absence or that he’d shown up? Anything dangerous and risky made her anxious and his coming here was definitely that. But every time she texted, e-mailed, or video chatted she took a risk. Thank God she did. No way he would have made it through the last two years if he hadn’t gotten constant updates on Jonathan.

“Hi, Calico.” He sent her the crooked grin that always made her blush. Sure enough, her cheeks turned pink and she lowered her eyes.

“Jack.” When she looked up, they held concern. “I wasn’t expecting you to be here. Scott said you were currently working in Pennsylvania.”

Shrugging, he kissed Jonathan again. “It’s the weekend and I didn’t mind the drive. I heard there might be cake.” This he addressed to the boy in his arms. “Did you have cake, pal?”

“Mmm, tate.” Jonathan nodded his head. “Want tate, Dah dee?”

“Maybe in a little while. First, you need to show me what you got for your birthday.” He knelt down allowing Jonathan to toddle over to his pile of toys. The boy squeezed the horn on the tricycle then giggled. God, I needed to hear that. Need to hear it more often.

Scott roused from his reclined position on the chair. “The tricycle is from your dad, Jonathan. I brought it over so you’d have it with all your other gifts. But your daddy was the one who got it for you.”

Jack threw an appreciative look at his cousin then glanced at Heather. “I take it you helped with the party. Thanks.”

Heather merely smiled back. “You know I’ll do anything I can to help Callie.” She didn’t engage in pleasantries or try and make small talk. Jack liked that about Heather. The woman was no-nonsense and told it like it was. Asking him how he was wouldn’t be something she’d do since she was aware of his situation. And that he hated the fact he couldn’t be with Callie and Jonathan.

“Dah dee, wide?” Jonathan looked up at him and he almost melted. His heart began to heal a tiny bit at the adoration pouring from his son’s eyes. As soon as he had to go away again, it would start chipping off into little pieces once more. Would it be too broken someday to be put together again? For now he’d get as much as possible out of every second he had with his son.

“You can have a ride, sure. Let’s get you up into the saddle, partner.” He helped Jonathan into the seat then positioned his hands and feet in the right place. “Keep your feet on the pedals as they move. Soon we’ll have you doing this all on your own.”

As he pushed the child around the room, Callie rose and tidied up the place. Heather helped and even Scott picked up a few things. Letting him have time with his son, alone. Selfish, yes, but when he only got to see his child once a year, he wanted every second to be about Jonathan. They understood that.

Scott entered the room again and gave Jonathan a kiss on the head. “I’ve got to go, birthday boy. Thanks for inviting me and letting me have some of your cake. It was delicious. Have fun with your dad.”

Jonathan lifted his hands and let Scott pick him up for a hug. The fire of jealousy burned through him. He hated that Scott was free to see Jonathan whenever he wanted whereas he was wandering the country to keep from being killed. Visiting just a few times in his son’s short lifetime. Not Scott’s fault. He’s doing you a favor by keeping an eye on your family. Didn’t make it any more palatable.

“See ya, cuz.” Jack rose to shake Scott’s hand. “Appreciate your putting the bike together and getting it over here while the party was still going on.”

Transferring the boy to Jack’s arms, Scott sidled up behind Heather who stood in the doorway of the kitchen talking to Callie. He wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her cheek. “Night, sweetheart, always lovely to see you.”

Heather snorted and shook her head then pushed playfully at him. Jack laughed at their silly, little pretense but wondered why neither of them had a real partner. Too much fun with the pretend one?

Callie moved closer and drew Scott into an embrace. “Thanks for coming by. Jonathan always loves to see you.”

Another kick in the gut assaulted him seeing how close his cousin was with Callie, knowing Scott got to see both her and Jonathan more often than he did. Callie stayed as far away from him as possible when he managed to get here. He couldn’t blame her though. He had nothing to offer either her or Jonathan.

“I’ll walk you out, lover boy,” Heather teased Scott then hugged Callie too. She turned around and touched Jack’s arm. “Take care, Jack, and be careful.”

“Thanks, I’ll try. And thank you for being here for Callie. I wish I could get here more often but…well…you know.”

“Yeah, life’s a bi—” she cleared her throat as she gazed at the young child. Forcing a smile, she then kissed Jonathan’s head which was now resting on Jack’s shoulder. “Night, sweetie. Thanks for having me at your birthday party.”

“You don’t have to go right away, Heather.” Callie sounded nervous. Of him? He hated the thought she didn’t trust him but it had been more than two years since they’d had any kind of relationship with each other. Even when they’d been together, the shadow of Angelo had always hung over them. Yeah, their relationship wasn’t what anyone could call normal.

“I’ll talk to you next week about the progress on the construction site,” Scott called to Jack as he and Heather left through the back door.

“You want to play some more?”

Jonathan now snuggled on his shoulder, arms around his neck. The boy’s arms tightened at the question.

“He didn’t have a nap today because of the party and it’s almost seven,” Callie explained. “He’s usually in bed asleep by seven-thirty. He’s got to be exhausted.”

Stifling a yawn, he replied, “I know how he feels. Can I get him ready for bed?”

“Torwy?” a muffled voice questioned from near Jack’s neck.

“You want me to read you a story? I can do that as long as it’s okay with Mommy.”

Callie nodded but kept her eyes averted from his. Was she uncomfortable with him here? It was rare for him to visit but she’d been generous with him when he did.

“Come on.” She moved toward the stairs. “We’ll get you all ready for bed and daddy can read you a story.”

Following behind the beautiful woman, he admired her long thin legs and the sway of her hips as she climbed up the stairs. It had been too damn long since he’d held Callie, or any woman for that matter and his libido took over. It wouldn’t matter if it was another woman though. He’d come across many in the two plus years he’d been away from Callie. None of them had ever come close to eliciting the same kind of response in him. Simply being in the same room with her got him all hot and bothered.

It was one of the reasons he tried to concentrate solely on Jonathan whenever he communicated with them. Thinking of Callie was far too dangerous. Getting involved with her had resulted in a knife wound to the gut and having a price put on his head from defending himself. Not her fault but something about her made him lose all control and forget to be cautious. In more ways than one, obviously. They’d created a child together.

As he carried Jonathan down the hallway, he glanced into the front bedroom, Callie’s room. Pastels and ruffles were all he could see and he smiled at the feminine decorations. Jonathan’s room, however, was exclusively boy. Light blue walls contained pictures of horses and cowboys. Similar images roamed across his bed spread. The crib his son had slept in was missing.

“You’ve got a big boy bed now, pal. Cool.” Inside, another piece chipped off his heart. His son had grown old enough to sleep in a regular bed and he’d missed that milestone, along with too many others. He swallowed the lump in his throat as Jonathan stirred on his shoulder.

“I bid boy. I two.” He held up three fingers. Jack reached up to fold one down then kissed the other two.

“Yes, you are a big boy. I still can’t believe how big.” The tightening of his throat prevented any other words from emerging. He attempted to douse the fire raging inside him at the loss of his life and all that went with it.

* * * *

A sting jabbed through Callie at the sound of Jack’s voice, rough and scratchy. He was trying to keep his emotions in check and not being all that successful. A man missing his son wasn’t a weakness in her eyes. He didn’t need to hide his feelings. She moved closer, though his proximity was hazardous to her equilibrium.

“He started crawling out of the crib a few weeks ago so I thought a bed might be a better choice. I have a gate on the door in case he wanders in the middle of the night.” Pointing to the child gate that sat by the door, she said, “I’m sorry I forgot to mention it to you last time we spoke. It’s been a little hectic around here the past few weeks.”

“No need to apologize. It’s hard to fill me in on every little thing that happens. Don’t worry about it.”

“I do worry, Jack,” she answered, noting how his arms held their child tightly yet tenderly. There was no doubt Jack Holland adored his son. The love shining from his eyes, every time he looked at him, was palpable.

Busying herself with getting pajamas out of a drawer, she glanced at them. Jonathan was drained and wouldn’t last much longer. He was almost asleep on his father’s shoulder. A few times, she’d fallen asleep there herself and knew how comforting a place it was.

“Sweetheart, do you think you might try using the bathroom before you go to sleep?”

Jonathan perked up a tiny bit, moving his head closer to Jack to whisper, “I pee pee a potty, Dah dee.” The pride in his tone brought tears to her eyes. Wanting to impress his father was something all sons did. Theirs was no different.

“Why don’t you show daddy then you need a Pull Up for bed.” Callie looked into Jack’s intense gray eyes. “He hasn’t quite mastered getting through the whole night yet. The potty training thing is still new.”

Nodding, Jack headed to the bathroom with Jonathan still clutched in his arms. It would be hard for him to leave and let his son go again. He always played the stoic soldier but she’d die a little inside if she had to leave her son and not see him for months or longer. Jack couldn’t be any different. Right now it might be worse for Jack. Jonathan didn’t understand how long it would be until he saw his father again. Jack did. As their son got bigger, he’d begin to understand more and know when his daddy left, he wasn’t coming back soon.

How would she get through Jack’s leaving then? It was hard enough to say good-bye when they talked on the computer. Keeping her distance emotionally while staring at his handsome face was something she’d perfected. She’d never admit to anyone how many tears she’d cry after each ‘visit’. It wasn’t only Jonathan who missed him. Her heart screamed with loss, equally, if not more so.

She wiped the tiny bit of moisture that had pooled in the corner of her eyes as Jack came back into the room.

“We brushed his teeth while we were in there.”

“Oh, thank you.” Callie handed him the boy’s pajamas. “I should have mentioned it.”

“Jonathan remembered. Apparently you have a good routine going for bedtime. He walked me through it. Even sang some little song about brushing your teeth. Not sure I got all the words right but this little guy knew what they were.”

Jack blew a slew of wet kisses along the child’s face, causing a fit of giggles. As father and son laughed and Jack wrangled Jonathan into his pajamas, Callie’s heart bled at the sight of them together. Moving near the door allowed them time without her interference though she wanted to watch. Loved seeing them together.

Jack sat in the rocking chair in the corner and deposited Jonathan on the floor. “Go get the story you want me to read.”

Jonathan knew what he wanted. Grabbing it from his bookshelf, he toddled back. He scampered into Jack’s lap then rested his back against the strong chest of the larger version of him.

Her breath caught at the resemblance between the two, growing stronger with time. Jack was a breathtakingly handsome man but this could cause problems. If Victor ever noticed, it’d be the end. Hopefully, in the two plus years, his memory of what Jack looked like had faded.

The other problem was hers. It was difficult to look at a mini-Jack. What she’d lost and had little chance of getting back glared straight at her. Even if Victor was arrested and put away, would Jack want a relationship with her beyond that of sharing their son? Doubtful. She’d been a nice physical distraction while he’d been undercover but he wouldn’t want a forever after with a scared little mouse like her.

The last two years he’d been distant during his infrequent visits and short online connections. He focused on their son, and didn’t appear to need anything from Callie. Not anymore.

Jack settled Jonathan in his lap and opened the book, reciting the familiar words. The book was one of Jonathan’s favorites and Jack had read it to their son when he came on his first birthday. She had a picture of them sitting in the exact same spot.

Turning, she ran downstairs to grab her phone to take a picture. Jonathan was a year older now and she liked to document any time they were together. The future was uncertain but she never wanted Jonathan to think his father didn’t love him. The agony in Jack’s voice on the night of Jonathan’s birth still rang in her memory. Her promise to tell Jonathan every day how much his father loved him was one she took seriously and intended to keep. No matter what.

By the time she got back upstairs, Jonathan’s eyes were closed and he was sucking furiously on his thumb. She snapped a few pictures before Jack finished the story. When he was done, he closed the book, making no attempt to get up, move, or release Jonathan. His eyes were glued to the serene face of the now sleeping boy.

Callie gave them a few moments then walked closer. She shook her head as the thumb started to slide from her son’s mouth then got drawn back inside for deeper sucking. “I’ve tried to get him to stop that habit but when he’s tired, it’s no use.”

“He’s still little.” His eyes never left the sleeping boy’s face. “I used to suck my thumb. My mom said I didn’t stop until I was five or six.” After a few moments his eyes rose to hers and a crooked smile turned up one side of his mouth. “Not that you can tell anyone. I’ll deny every word.”

“Ooh, blackmail information.” Her insides tingled at the teasing, and she was transported back to the few happy months when they were together. They used to joke around quite a bit. They’d talked about everything. Not dull conversations either. God, she missed it. Did he ever think about when they were together? Not that she’d ask him. It would be a reminder of what he’d lost out on. What they’d both lost.

Sighing, Jack gazed at the sleeping boy. “I guess I should put him into bed, huh? I hate to let him go. You have no idea how much I miss him, Calico. Sometimes I think I’ll go stark raving mad with missing him.”

He closed his eyes and lowered his head down near Jonathan’s. Inhaling deeply, smelling their son. Such a primitive thing to do but she did it all the time. The scent of your own baby was so powerful. Did Jack get the same intense feeling she did with the smell? This was yet another memory Jack had to take along with him until he could find his way back.

Finally, he stood, settling the child under the covers Callie had turned down. He pulled up one sheet in deference to the warm night then kissed the boy on the cheek. His large hand settled on Jonathan’s head, sifting through his hair before he stood again. He didn’t move though and Callie’s heart broke at the thought Jack had to leave them again. Why couldn’t things have been different?

A huge sigh slipped from Jack’s mouth as he turned away and walked to the door. Callie gave her son a small kiss and followed him, sliding the gate into place. She took one last glance at Jonathan but found she needed to go with Jack to make sure he was all right.

He was already in the kitchen splashing water on his face. Had he shed a few tears? It wouldn’t be the first time, though he always tried to hide it. She’d allow him his sorrow. Understood it far too well.

She glanced at the cake as he dried his hands. Jonathan had offered him some. “Are you hungry? Have you had anything to eat lately? It must have been a long drive.”

His smile didn’t reach his lost and weary eyes. “I had something before I left for the trip.” Which would have been around noon if he’d come from Pennsylvania.

“Then you need some food. I could cook something or we have cold cuts and rolls from the party. What would you like?”

“Cold cuts are fine. Don’t go to any trouble. I can get them if you have things to do.”

“Are you trying to get rid of me?” she teased, wanting a tiny bit of the camaraderie of before to come back. The crooked smile he threw her way made her heart melt as it had in the past.

“Never,” he said, his eyes warm. Was there something more in them? No, it was her wishful thinking, nothing else.

Moving about the kitchen, she got the deli meat out and made him a sandwich. She piled it high with meat, cheese, and tomatoes. Extra pickles went on since he loved them on a sandwich, though she had thought it disgusting. She placed it on the table and told him to sit.

“I can take it with me if you need me out of here.”

Shaking her head, she pointed to the chair. “Sit. You need to relax for a few minutes. You spent half the day getting here. Give yourself time to digest before you head back. How was the drive?” Mundane conversation was good. Safe.

Jack sat and devoured a huge bite of the filled roll. He had to have been starving. Why hadn’t she offered food earlier? Having him close was much too distracting for her to think clearly.

“It was long.” He made small talk about traffic and watched her bustle about the kitchen. Could he tell she wanted to touch him, hold him, kiss him? Hopefully, she hid it well. Acting on her desires would not be a good thing. They had caused trouble before.

“Stop fussing about, Calico,” Jack ordered as he pulled out a chair next to him. “Sit down. We should talk.”