CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

THE FINAL SACRIFICE

Cold.

Everything was cold.

I was flying down a dark tunnel, watching fragments of my life flash before me, unable to stop. Riding with Meghan through the wyldwood. Watching Kierran and Glitch practice in the courtyard. The birth of my son. Dancing with Meghan in the ballroom. Our wedding…

Gasping, I bolted upright on a cold, hard floor, my heart slamming against my ribs, panicked, loud and alive. Clutching my chest, I gazed around, not knowing where I was. Stone walls surrounded me, candles flickering in the alcoves, casting everything in shadow. The tall hooded figure stood nearby, silently watching, and with a jolt, everything came flooding back.

The Testing Grounds. The trials. I had come here in the desperate need to earn a soul, to be with Meghan in the Iron Realm. I hunched forward, holding my head in my hands. I couldn’t think straight. My mind felt like a tangle of old string, trying to sort out what was real and what was imagined. I could feel the cold stare of the Guardian, weighing me, watching what I would do.

“Was it real?” My voice came out hoarse and raspy, unfamiliar to me. “Was any of it real?”

The Guardian watched me, unmoving. “It could be.”

“Ash!”

Footsteps pounded toward me and Puck came into view. For a moment, I felt a stab of hatred as I gazed at my old nemesis, the memory of him and Meghan dancing and laughing together raging in my mind…but then I paused. That hadn’t happened. None of it had happened. My entire human life—my marriage, my wife and son—that was all an illusion.

“Dammit, ice-boy—” Puck panted as he jogged up. “We were looking everywhere for you. What happened? Did we miss the test? Is it done already?”

I gazed at him in disbelief. Seconds. Only a few seconds had passed, but to me, it had been a lifetime. Gingerly, I stood, drawing in a slow breath. My leg was straight and healthy, my eyesight clear and undimmed. When I looked at my hands, pale, smooth skin greeted my sight, when I’d become used to seeing wrinkles and age spots. I clenched my fist and felt the strength in my limbs,

“It is done,” the Guardian intoned. “The trials are complete. You have passed the gauntlet, knight of the Iron Court. You have seen what it takes to become human—weakness of the flesh, conscience and mortality. Without these things, a soul would wither and die inside you. You have come far, farther than anyone before you. But there is still one final question. One last thing you must ask yourself, before you are ready for a soul.

“Do you truly want one?”

“What?” Puck, coming to stand beside me, glared at the Guardian. “What kind of question is that? What do you think he’s been doing all this time, picking daisies? You couldn’t spring that question before you put him through hell?”

I groped for his shoulder, putting a hand on it to stop him. Puck bristled, angry and indignant, but I knew what the Guardian was asking. Before, I didn’t know what being human meant. I couldn’t understand. Not as I was.

I did now.

The Guardian didn’t move. “The Ensoulment Ceremony begins at dawn. Once started, it cannot be stopped. I offer you this one final choice, knight. Should you wish it, I can unmake everything that happened to you—all memories of this place, everything you have learned, as if the trials never happened. You can return to Winter with your friends, no different than you were before, an immortal, soulless fey.

“Or, you can claim your soul and keep everything that comes with it—conscience, human weakness, mortality.” The Guardian finally moved, switching its staff to the other hand, preparing to disappear. “Whatever your decision,” it continued, “when you leave this place, you will never return. So choose wisely. I will return when you have decided which path you want to take.”

Choice.

I drew in a slow breath, feeling the promise that bound me, that oath I had made to Meghan, dissolve. I’d kept my vow: I had found a way to return to her, to be at her side without fear. I was free.

And I had a choice.

* * *

I DIDN’T GO BACK to my room, though I vaguely remembered where it was. Instead, I sought out the courtyard, found a stone bench beneath a withered tree, and watched the stars float through the End of the World.

Mortal or faery? Right now I was nothing, balanced on the edge of humanity and soullessness, neither human nor fey. I was so close to having a soul, to finishing my quest and being with Meghan. But if the future the Guardian had shown me was true…if I was destined to die, forgotten and alone, then was it worth that pain?

I didn’t have to go back to the Iron Realm. My vow had been fulfilled; I was free to do as I wished. There was no guarantee Meghan would be waiting for me to come back, no assurance she wanted me to come back. I could return to the Winter Court, with Ariella. It could be as it was before….

If that was what I really wanted.

“Hey.” Ariella’s soft voice broke through my musings, and she joined me on the bench, so close our shoulders were touching. “Puck told me about the last test, and the ceremony in the morning. I take it you haven’t come to a decision yet.” I shook my head, and her soft fingers brushed a curl from my forehead. “Why are you still agonizing, Ash?” she asked gently. “You’ve come so far. You know what you have to do. This is what you wanted.”

“I know.” I slumped forward, resting my elbows on my knees. “But, Ari, that last test…” Closing my eyes, I let the memories of another life wash over me. “I saw my future, with Meghan,” I said, opening my eyes to stare at my hands. “I became human and went back to the Iron Realm to be with her, just like I wanted. And, at first we were happy…I was happy. But then…” I trailed off, watching a blue comet soar lazily through the sky above. “She never changed,” I murmured at last. “She and my son, they never changed. And I…I couldn’t keep up with them. I couldn’t protect her, couldn’t fight beside her. And in the end, I was alone.”

Ariella was silent, watching me. I raked my hands through my hair with a sigh. “I want to be with them,” I admitted softly. “More than anything, I want to see them again. But, if that’s my future, if I can’t avoid what lies ahead…”

“You’re wrong,” Ariella said, surprising me. I sat up, blinking at her, and she smiled. “That’s a future, Ash. Only one. Trust a seer on this. Nothing is certain. The future is constantly changing, and no one can predict what will happen next. But let me ask you this. In this future, you said you had a son?”

I nodded, feeling a hollow ache in my chest at the thought of Kierran.

“Do you miss him?”

I let out a breath and nodded, slumping forward again. “It’s strange,” I murmured, feeling a lump rise to my throat. “He isn’t even real, and yet…I feel like he’s the one who died. His existence was an illusion, but I knew him. I remember everything about him. And Meghan.” The lump grew bigger, and I felt my eyes stinging, moisture crawling down my cheeks. I could see Kierran’s smile, feel Meghan’s breath against me as we slept. And though my head knew those memories were illusions, my heart violently rejected that thought. I knew them. Every part of them. I remembered their joys, their sorrows, their triumphs and hurts and fears. They were real to me.

“My family.” The admission was a mere whisper, and I covered my eyes with a hand. “Meghan, Kierran. I miss them…they were everything. I want them back.”

Ariella put a hand on my shoulder, easing me close. “And even if that future came to pass,” she murmured in my ear, “would you want to miss it? Would you change anything, knowing how it will end?”

I pulled back to look at her, realization slowly dawning on me as we gazed at each other. “No,” I muttered, surprising myself. Because all the hurt, all the pain and loneliness and watching everyone leave me behind was overshadowed by the joy and pride I felt for Kierran, the deep contentment in Meghan’s arms, and the blinding, all-encompassing love I had for my family.

And maybe, that was what being human was all about.

Ariella smiled back, though there was a hint of sadness in her eyes. “Then you know what you have to do.”

I pulled her close and gently kissed her forehead. “Thank you,” I whispered, though it was hard for me to say, and I could tell it surprised Ariella, as well. The fey never say thank-you, for fear it will put them in another’s debt. The old Ash would never have let such a phrase escape his lips; perhaps this was just a sign of how human I was becoming.

I stood, pulling her up with me. “I think I’m ready,” I said, gazing back at the castle. My heart beat faster in anticipation, but I wasn’t afraid. “I know what I have to do.”

“Then,” said the Guardian, appearing behind us, “let us not waste another moment. Have you made your decision, knight?”

I pulled away from Ariella and faced the Guardian squarely. “Yes.”

“And what have you decided?”

“My soul.” I felt a great weight lifted off my shoulders as I said this. No more doubts. No more agonizing. I knew my path, what I had to do. “I choose humanity, and all that comes with it. Weakness, conscience, mortality, everything.”

The Guardian nodded. “Then we come to the end at last. And you will be the first to claim what you have always sought, knight. Follow me.”

* * *

PUCK JOINED US AT THE DOOR, and together we followed the Guardian down the shadowed hallways, up a twisting spiral staircase, to the landing of the highest tower. Through the door, the roof disappeared into open sky. Here, beneath the stars and constellations, where sparkling bits of moon rock drifted by, trailing silver dust, the Guardian walked to the center of the platform and turned, beckoning me with a pale hand.

“You have endured all the trials,” it said as I stepped forward. “You have accepted what it means to be human, to be mortal, and without that knowledge a soul could not live within you for long. You have passed, knight. You are ready.

“But,” the Guardian continued in a solemn voice as my gut twisted nervously, “something as pure as soul cannot grow out of nothing. One final sacrifice remains, though it is not yours to make. For a soul to be born within you, a life must be given, freely and without reservation. With this unselfish act, a soul can bloom from the sacrifice of one who loves you. Without it, you will remain empty.”

For a split second of blissful ignorance, the true meaning of what the Guardian said escaped me. Then the realization hit all at once, and an icy fist gripped my heart, leaving me numb. I stared at the Guardian for several heartbeats, horror slowly turning to anger. “Someone has to die for me,” I whispered at last. The Guardian didn’t move, and I felt a gaping hole tear open within, dropping me into blackness. “Then all this was for nothing. Everything you threw at me, all I went through, was for nothing!” Despair now joined the swirl of rage. I’d been through so much, endured so much, just to throw it away in the end. But this was something I could not allow. “Never,” I gritted out, backing away. “I’ll never let that happen.”

“It’s not your sacrifice to make, Ash.”

Stunned, I turned as Ariella walked past me, coming to stand before the Guardian. Her voice trembled a bit, but she held her head high. “I’m here,” she murmured. “He has me. I’m willing to make that choice.”

“Ari,” Puck breathed behind me.

No! I staggered toward her, panicked by what she was offering. My chest clenched in horror, in helpless desperation. It was the same feeling I’d had when I saw the wyvern strike her in the heart, when she lay dying in my arms, and I could only watch as she slipped away. This, I could stop. This, I would stop. “Ari, no,” I rasped, stepping in front of her. “You can’t do this! If you die again…”

“This is why I’m here, Ash.” Tears filled her eyes as she turned to look at me, though she still tried to smile. “This is why I came. I was returned to life for this moment, my final task, before Faery takes me back.”

“I won’t accept that!” Desperately, I grabbed her arm, and she made no move to pull away. The Guardian watched us, silent and unmoving, as I faced her, pleading. “Don’t do this,” I whispered. “Don’t throw your life away. Not for me. Not again.”

Ariella shook her head. “I’m tired, Ash,” she murmured, gazing right through me, at something I couldn’t see. “It’s been…long enough.”

Behind me, Puck blew out a shaky breath, and I hoped he would protest as well, keep her from this insane plan. But Robin Goodfellow surprised me again, his voice subdued but calm. “I’m glad I got to see you again, Ari,” he said, and from the tremor beneath the surface, I could tell he was holding back tears. “And don’t worry—I’ll take care of him for you.”

“You were a good friend, Puck.” Ariella smiled at him, though her eyes were shadowed, far away. “I’m happy I could give you two another chance.”

Feeling betrayed, I gripped her shoulders, hard enough to make her wince, though she still didn’t look at me. “I won’t let you go,” I snarled, though my voice was beginning to crack. “You can’t do this. I’ll keep you alive by force if I have to!”

“Prince.” Grimalkin’s cool, stern voice broke through my desperation. The word lanced into me, shimmering with power, compelling me to listen, to obey. I closed my eyes, fighting the compulsion, feeling my panic grow. The cait sith was calling in his favor.

“Don’t, Grimalkin.” My words were a hoarse rasp through gritted teeth. “I will kill you if you order me, I swear I will.”

“I would not force you,” Grimalkin said in that same quiet, calm voice. “But this is not your decision, prince. It is hers. All I ask is that you let her make that choice. Let her choose her own path, as you have done.”

My composure broke. I fell to my knees with a sob, clutching at Ariella’s dress, bowing my head. “Please,” I choked, tears streaming down my face. “Ari, please. I’m begging you, don’t go. I can’t watch you die again.”

“I was already gone, Ash.” Ariella’s voice shook, too, her hand resting against the back of my head. “All we had was borrowed time.” I sobbed, kneeling before her, as her fingers stroked my hair. “Let me do this,” Ariella murmured. Her fingers slipped under my jaw, gently turning my face to hers. “Let me go.”

I couldn’t speak. Shaking, nearly blinded by tears, I let my hands fall to my lap. Ariella pulled away, but her palm lingered against my cheek for a silent moment. I caught the tips of her fingers at the end, felt them slip from my grasp. “Remember me,” she whispered.

Then she turned and stepped toward the Guardian, who raised a hand to guide her forward. “It will not take long,” it said, and I thought I heard a note of admiration in the impassive voice. Ariella nodded, taking a shaky breath as the Guardian raised a hand to her forehead, brushing back her silver hair.

“Will it hurt?” she whispered, so faint I barely caught it. The Guardian shook its cowled head.

“No,” it said gently, and a light began to form under its fingers, growing brighter with each passing second. “There will be no pain, Ariella Tularyn. Never again. Close your eyes.”

She glanced at me. For a moment, she looked exactly as she had when I first met her, unbowed by sorrow, her eyes shining with joy. She smiled, a real smile of love and happiness and forgiveness, and then the light grew too bright to look at and I had to turn away.

Deep within me, something stirred. The darkness that I’d kept locked away, the part of me that was all Unseelie: hate, violence and black rage, rushed to the surface with a roar, seeking to overwhelm me. But it was met by something bright and pure and intense, a miasma of light that seared away the darkness, filling every corner and expanding outward, until there was no place left for the blackness to hide. I shivered, reeling from the flood of light and color and emotion, not knowing how empty I had been until that moment.

The brightness faded. I was kneeling on an empty platform at the End of the World, moondust and rock swirling around me. The Guardian stood a few feet away, alone, leaning on its staff as if winded.

Ariella was gone.

The Guardian straightened, gazing at me through the darkness of its cowl. “Take a few moments for your grief,” it said, cold and formal once more. “When you are ready, meet me at the gates of the Testing Grounds. I have one last thing to give you before we part.”

I barely noticed when the Guardian left. Numbly, I gazed at the spot where Ariella had stood seconds before. Grimalkin had also disappeared, the parapet that held him empty and bare, as if he’d cleared out the second the ceremony was finished. I tried to be angry at the cat, but it was futile. Even if he hadn’t come, Ariella would still have made her decision. I knew her well enough to know she would’ve found a way. I couldn’t muster any rage through the numbing grief weighing me down like a heavy blanket. Ariella was gone. She was gone. I had let her go, again.

A presence stepped up beside me, but it wasn’t the Guardian. “It wasn’t your fault, Ash,” Puck said quietly. “It never was. She made her choice a long time ago.”

I nodded, still not trusting myself to speak. Puck sighed, crouching next to me, gazing around the tower. “I don’t know about you,” he said, completely serious, “but I’m about ready to go home. Let’s get Furball, check to see if the Wolf is still alive, and get out of here.”

“Yeah,” I muttered without getting up. “Just…give me a few minutes.”

“Right,” Puck said, and I expected him to leave. He didn’t, but settled on the ground beside me, crossing his long legs. And we gazed at the spot where Ariella had smiled at me and disappeared in a brilliant burst of light, as fitting an end as I could think of. After a moment, Puck put a hand on my shoulder.

This time, I didn’t brush it off.