Chapter Twelve

 

THE CABIN CAME into view as they rode out of the woods. Roni was surprised to see Jeff’s horse saddled and standing by the porch. They urged their mounts to canter and stopped in front just as he came out the door with his coat draped over his arm.

“Hey, I’m glad you’re back. I put a note on the table because I wasn’t sure if I’d see you before I left.” He trotted down the steps and adjusted the saddlebags.

“What’s going on, Jeff?” Selena dismounted and loosened the girth of her saddle.

“You got the call, didn’t you?” Roni got off as well and stood by Sparky. A mixture of excitement and sadness washed over her.

“Beth went to the doctor today. He said she’ll deliver the baby in a couple of days and that she should get me down there as soon as possible.” He walked over to Roni and gave her a hug. “I’m going to be a dad! Holy shit! I’m going to be a dad!”

She hugged him back and grinned at his evident enthusiasm. “I’m really happy for you, Jeff. Be careful going down and make sure you radio when you get there. And I want constant updates on Beth and the baby.”

“You got it.” He hoisted himself into the saddle and picked up his reins. A radiant smile covered his face, and his eyes twinkled with obvious joy. “Thanks, Roni, for everything.”

“Get out of here before she has that baby without you.” Roni thumped his leg with her fist.

He tipped his hat to both of them and took off in a gallop across the meadow. The remaining horses snorted and hoisted their tails as he raced through the middle of them.

“Are you okay?” Selena stood next to Roni and put an arm around her waist.

She breathed a deep sigh. “Yeah.” She looked off toward the meadow where Jeff had disappeared.

Selena shook her and said, “Things will work out, you’ll see,” and then released her.

Roni offered her a wan smile and turned her attention to Sparky. “You and I have some stuff to work through, don’t we, big boy?”

Dinner that night was unusually quiet without Jeff’s deep baritone voice, and the smell of pipe tobacco was noticeably absent. Roni had to admit she even missed his teasing, until she realized that was just masochistic. Afterward, they both sat and read for a while. The fire in the stove popped and crackled from the pine wood she’d fed it. Puller was curled up between her legs and snoring. She was fighting a losing battle between trying to read and the need for sleep, and she finally gave up.

“You can sleep in Jeff’s room while he’s gone. Just bring your sleeping bag in. I won’t vouch for the cleanliness of his blankets.”

Selena closed her book and laid it on her chest. She yawned and stretched at the same time. “Thanks. I think I’ll take you up on that offer.”

Selena rose from her chair, and Puller woke up and watched her. As soon as she headed toward the door, he jumped down and followed her out. Roni could hear Selena talking to him in muffled tones and wondered what she was saying.

Laughter woke her from the nap that claimed her during their absence. She picked her book off the floor, sat up, and rubbed her face.

“You two are having way too much fun.” She stretched tentatively, knowing she’d be sore.

“Oh my God, Roni, Puller just cracks me up. He came into the cabin with me, and before I knew it, he burrowed down into the foot of my sleeping bag. I wouldn’t have pegged you for a small dog lover, but I can see why you bring him up here.”

“Oh, I guess you wouldn’t know. He’s my search dog.”

Selena looked at Puller and laughed in disbelief. “Right.” She walked to the doorway of the other bedroom and threw her sleeping bag and duffel onto the bed.

“Careful, you’ll insult him. I’m serious. When I got him, I was looking for a non-shedding, small, fearless dog to hunt gophers on the ranch.” She patted her leg and Puller jumped into her lap.

Selena sat down next to her and reached over to pet him. “I’ve never heard of anybody using a dachshund.”

“He rides in the pocket of my vest. Mom modified it so he’d fit in. I didn’t know what he could do until he was about two years old. I was out riding the range one afternoon and had Puller with me. I found a saddled horse running loose near the property line. Puller started barking, and when I looked down, I saw he wasn’t looking at the horse. He was staring off toward the nearby gully. So I humored him and rode over and found the rider lying unconscious near the stream. Ever since then, he goes with me on every search mission. I used to get a lot of teasing about having a wiener dog for search and rescue, until people saw him work.”

“That’s an amazing story. What a good boy you are,” Selena said affectionately. Puller whipped his tail back and forth.

Roni met Selena’s eyes and held them. “I’m glad he likes you. He’s usually a little standoffish with people he doesn’t know.”

“I’m glad too. But I don’t think he’s timid at all.”

“He’s a little food monger. Most people only see his dark side until he notices them chewing on something.”

Selena’s laughter filled the cabin. “Come to think of it, I was eating something when I first met him.”

Roni tried and failed to stifle a yawn. Her eyes felt like someone had thrown a bucket of sand in them. “I think I’m going to hit the hay.”

“I think that’s a fine idea. I’m beat too. Is there anything I should know about sleeping in here?”

“You already know where the bathroom is. What else is there?” She stood up and looked down at Selena.

“Oh, I don’t know. Do you walk in your sleep? Should I be worried about any ghostly figures?”

Roni snorted. “No on both accounts. We do have a resident mouse that sits on Jeff’s chest and eat seeds while he’s asleep. Mickey’s usually gone by morning, but he tends to leave a mess.”

“Duly noted. Thanks.”

Deep in the middle of the night, Roni awoke, her eyes heavy and gritty with sleep. Only half awake, she shuffled out of her room to go to the bathroom. She put her elbow against the wall and slid it along to feel her way with her hand outstretched. She made a right turn and ran into Selena. Literally. She inadvertently rubbed the palm of her outstretched hand against Selena’s breast. She heard a soft gasp before realizing what she’d done and that the bump she felt was a nipple.

“Oh, Jesus, I’m sorry.” She pulled her hand away like it was on fire. “I didn’t look. It was dark, and, and I had my eyes closed.”

Selena’s soft laugh alerted her to how close their lips were. Instinctively she leaned in and placed a soft kiss on them . . . and instantly regretted it.

“Oh shit.” She pulled away. “I’m sorry.”

“Quit apologizing.” Selena placed her hand on her arm. “I didn’t mind.”

“I didn’t either. And that’s the problem. I like you.” Roni pulled away and leaned against the wall. Her skin tingled where Selena’s hand had been, and she tried her damnedest to ignore it. “We can’t do this. It’s not right.” She couldn’t do this here, in this cabin, where thoughts of Beth haunted her. For some inexplicable reason, she felt like she was betraying Beth.

Moonlight played over Selena’s face, casting shadows here and there, making her more beautiful than ever. The inside of the cabin seemed oddly luminescent, while outside the full moon beamed bright enough see a short distance into the thick forest. Roni thought this entire scenario romantic and insanely erotic. She chanced a look at Selena who stood motionless, maybe waiting for her to make a move, or at the very least, make up her mind.

“Fuck!” She pushed past Selena, slammed the door behind her, and leaned her weight against it.

“Roni? Can we talk about this?”

She didn’t answer. After a few moments she heard a sigh and retreating footsteps. The slam of Jeff’s bedroom door felt like a punch in the gut. She took a breath and made a concerted effort to relax her shoulders and unclench her fists.

“What the hell did I just do?”

Kissing Selena was the last thing she wanted to do. They’d become good friends in the short time she’d been on the mountain. Selena made her laugh, made her think, and lent an ear when she needed a confidant. She didn’t want to ruin that friendship by sleeping with her. Because of the feelings she harbored for Beth, she could never be the kind of lover Selena deserved. She sure as hell didn’t want to make it even more complicated.

It would be impossible to go back to sleep. She was too tired to think and wired too drum-tight to do anything but work it off. She dressed quickly. Careful not do anything to alert Selena, she slipped out the cabin door.

A million stars sparkled high above. The face of the moon seemed close enough to make out its craters and dry lakes. She pulled on the boots she’d carried out and walked to the edge of the meadow. She whistled quietly for Chenoa, and his low nicker told her he’d heard it. In the still night air, she could hear as well as see him walking toward her.

“Hey, bud, did I wake you up?” Chenoa put his head on her chest and let her scratch his ears. She ran her hands down his back, smoothing hair, and wiping off the dirt he’d rolled in. She stood at his withers and grabbed a handful of mane with her left hand. In one fluid movement, she threw her right leg over his back and hauled herself up. In lieu of saddle and bridle, she’d taught him to listen to her legs and weight to guide him. She pointed him toward the trail Selena and she had taken up the mountain earlier and let him navigate the footing in the dark forest.

On top of the mountain, the landscape was painted white from the moon’s illumination. An eerie absence of color, except for various hues of black and white, reflected the mood that accompanied her.

She leaned back on Chenoa and rested her head on his butt while he grazed contentedly on the lush meadow grasses. She laid her hands on her chest, crossed her legs over his withers to take the pressure off her back, and relied on her ingrained reflexes to take over. The horse’s body heat warmed her against the chilly air. The stars somehow seemed closer up here. She knew it was because of the thinner air, but all the same, she felt comforted by the celestial view. A meteor flew across the sky and disappeared over the tree line. She wondered if some miniscule part of it ever reached the ground, or if it had burned out before it made contact with the earth.

She also wondered if Selena was lying awake in bed thinking about her. “You’re such a fool, Oatman.”

She chastised herself for even having that thought. She had no right to think about her that way or to want her. It was just a reflex, she told herself. Her raging libido took over and shut her brain down, but she couldn’t shut all of her brain off. Here she’d done so well to convince herself that Selena was a friend and that’s all she should be. She was damned if she would sleep with her and end up hurting her. Common sense told her she’d definitely have to keep her at arm’s length. A seed of doubt crept in, and she shoved it away. She could handle this, couldn’t she? After all, hadn’t she survived loving Beth for all these years?

Veins of red and purple appeared in the sky, signaling the approach of dawn. She should head back. She sat up and waited for Chenoa to steady himself. He’d tired of grazing a while ago and had stood resting with a hind leg cocked under him.

“You ready, big guy?” She grabbed a fist full of mane and gave him some leg. He took a few steps and then eased into a slow jog until they reached the woods.

The rich caroling of robins accompanied her as they picked their way down. By the time she was at the halfway mark, numerous other birds had joined in with their own morning celebrations. Roni kept her thoughts in line by identifying them.

The smell of coffee and eggs wafted out of the cabin as she stopped in front of it, and her stomach growled in response. She slid off Chenoa, and he ambled away from her. The door to the cabin opened, and Selena stood there with a cup of coffee in her hand.

“Are you hungry?” Selena took a sip of coffee. Her eyes and face were unreadable.

“Starved, actually.”

Selena nodded and disappeared into the cabin. Was she mad or indifferent? Roni just couldn’t tell. She took a deep breath, found her resolve, and went up the steps. Puller stared at her from the top, and she spent a few minutes apologizing for not taking him with her.

“He’s not the only one you need to apologize to,” Selena said from inside.

“God, Selena, about last night . . .”

Selena appeared in the doorway again. “I’m not talking about when you grabbed my tit and kissed me, you idiot.”

Roni stood up straight and looked at her, confused. “Then I guess I don’t know what—”

“You snuck out and took off without saying a word.”

“I didn’t think . . .”

“That’s right. You didn’t. You didn’t think about how worried I’d be if you didn’t come back. You didn’t think about what would happen if a SAR call came in. That’s just it, Roni. You. Did. Not. Think.” Selena tapped her temple to accentuate each word. She glared at Roni for a moment and then said in a much more civil voice, “Come on, breakfast is ready. You can eat it while it’s still hot.” She turned on her heels and disappeared into the cabin.

Roni remained motionless, not sure what to say or do. She started to say she was sorry again, but thought better of it. Her first reaction was to walk away, but she thought better of that too, given Selena’s heated remarks. She came to the conclusion she should just cowgirl up, go in, and face the music.

Selena sat at the table seemingly engrossed in her book. Roni watched her from the doorway, calmly eating her breakfast like nothing had transpired between the two of them. She grabbed a plate, filled it, and sat down. They ate in silence until Selena put the book down and leaned back with her arms crossed over her chest.

Roni looked up. “I get the impression you want me to say something.”

“Anything but ‘I’m sorry’ would be an improvement.” Selena stared hard into her eyes.

“Then I don’t know what you expect me to say.” Roni put her fork down and struck an identical pose. She felt tension creep up her spine and tried not to hunch her shoulders.

“You don’t get it, do you? I’m not upset about what happened in the bathroom. The fact that you ran troubles me. Is that your approach to life? To cut and run at the slightest hint of conflict? Or for that matter, anything that scares you?”

Roni broke their eye contact, and her eyes slid to the table’s carved initials. “I didn’t run. I couldn’t sleep and had to think about some stuff.” She didn’t realize until that moment how much her silence had affected Selena.

“About Beth? You need to get over her. It’s not healthy for you to pine your life away on somebody you can’t have or be jealous of something your brother has. It’ll only serve to ruin the close relationship you have with both of them.”

“What do you know about love? It’s not something you can read in a book.” Roni regretted saying it as soon as it was out her mouth. “I’m sorry, I was out of line.” She picked up her coffee cup just to have something to do with her hands and held it in limbo between the table and her mouth.

“I know a lot, trust me. The three years I spent with Kim were some of the happiest times of my life. I gave her everything: my heart, my soul, my entire self. I know when your heart’s broken it’s a hard time, yeah. But when a psycho breaks it, it’s really hard.”

“She was a psycho?” Roni sat up, feeling suddenly protective. “Wait, I thought you were with her for six years.”

Selena did a one-shoulder shrug. “It’s a long story. But this isn’t about me.”

“I know. And you’re right. What I feel for Beth is wrong on so many levels. Sometimes I feel like I’m just stumbling through life when it comes to her. How do you force yourself to fall out of love with someone?”

“I think you need to evaluate what kind of love you feel.” Selena picked up her coffee and leaned back in her chair.

“Isn’t love, love?”

“Let me ask you this. Do you think the love you feel for your parents is the same as your love for Jeff? Or for that matter, your love for Beth?”

“I never thought of it that way. I’d have to answer ‘no’ then.” Roni rubbed her thumbnail over her lips.

“Take it a step further and consider the love you feel for Beth and what you’d feel for another woman.”

“I don’t know that there’s a difference.”

“I think there is.” Selena put her empty mug on the table and rested her chin in her hands. “Think about it.”

“I can’t.”

“Why?”

“I’ve never been in love with another woman.” Roni felt sheepish having to admit it.

“Ah.” Selena nodded her head slowly. She laced her hands behind her head and looked at the ceiling. “I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume you’ve slept with a woman.”

“Well, yeah. Isn’t that what college is for?” She smirked. “I’m not a virgin if that’s what you mean.”

“You’re telling me you had no romantic interest in any woman at school?” Selena raised her eyebrow.

“No.”

“Why?”

“Because . . . because I couldn’t.”

“Couldn’t or wouldn’t?”

“Selena, what are you getting at?”

“Infatuation can easily be confused with love.”

Roni sighed in exasperation. “Your point?”

“I think infatuation is just your heart telling your brain what to feel. It’s telling you that since you and Beth are so emotionally close, you should love her. But what’s really happening is part of your subconscious knows she’s unobtainable, so the other part that houses reasoning is walled off or overrun with this thing called infatuation.”

Roni cocked her head. “And because of that I can’t trust what my heart says?”

“Not until you synchronize all three parts.”

“You seem to know a lot about this. Something tells me it’s experience talking and not your photographic memory gone haywire.”

“How many women have you been with?” Selena quickly changed the subject.

“You mean in the biblical sense?”

A smile lifted the corner of Selena’s mouth.

“I don’t know. A lot. Why?”

“Did you ever find what you were looking for?”

“If you’re asking if the sex was good, then yeah. Most times.”

“That’s not what I meant. While you were having sex with these other women, did you ever think about Beth?”

“Well, of course. I have no idea what you’re getting at.”

“If you want my opinion, and please stop me if you don’t, I think deep down you know you’ll never have a relationship with Beth. So you’ve locked up the love only Roni Oatman can give, and you do everything you can to sabotage a love you deserve.”

“Okay, Doctor Ruth, how do I fix that?”

“Start dating and allow yourself to fall in love with someone else.” A flirty smile crept up Selena’s face.

“It’s kind of hard to date around here. Slim pickings you know,” Roni said in a teasing tone. Her heart rate jumped a notch at this new turn of events.

“It sure is.” Selena gave an exaggerated sigh, looked around, and drummed her fingers on the table. She caught Roni’s eye, and they both started laughing. “I’m glad we got that out of the way.”

Roni furrowed her eyebrows. “What?”

“Our first argument.”

“Are you insinuating we should date?” A shot of anticipation and nervousness coursed through her chest as she waited for Selena’s reply.

“I think we should take it slowly, but yeah. I’d like to give it a go with you.” Selena averted her eyes for a moment. “I was hurt badly, Roni. When you kissed me last night, it was the nicest thing I’ve experienced in a long time.” She flashed Roni a devilish grin. “And maybe next time I’ll let you rub my right tit too.”

The heat of a blush raced up Roni’s neck and she knew her face had to be crimson red. “I don’t even know what to say to that.” She was horrified her voice sounded more like a mouse squeak.

“Yes would be nice.” Selena gave her a gentle smile.

She swallowed hard. “Then yes. Absolutely.”