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The proctor stalked the stark, white classroom like a tiger, prowling the perimeter with his hands clasped behind his back. His official all-black uniform with the band collar reminded me a little bit of an undertaker. Except, the times I’d seen them on TV, they’d also worn black gloves. Still, this guy looked like he wasn’t the squeamish type, and I flicked my glance back at my paper.
Testing didn’t normally set these kinds of butterflies fluttering up a storm in my stomach. But this wasn’t the College Aptitude & Intelligence Test, which I’d already gotten a perfect score on last fall. Academics were easy. I’d spent years pushing myself to be the best of the best when it came to school, to maintain a perfect grade point average.
This was the test that truly determined my future.
MATCH Tests gauged our personality and suitability to a partner. My stomach twisted at the thought of the choice being taken out of my hands by a computer algorithm and panel of analysts who didn’t even know me.
What if the test showed I was deviant, if it somehow revealed my feelings for other girls? The thought of having my secret revealed made a cold sweat break out on my forehead. Or what if the boy they matched me to was someone I couldn’t stand? Then I would be condemned to marriage to that person for life. I wasn’t sure which option was worse.
On the surface, the test questions were the most banal kind––favorite foods and thoughts on children, career and education goals, and such things. Then, two pages in, came the “what if” scenarios. How would we react if a common beggar approached us on the street? If we found a stray puppy? If we discovered a family member was a Separatist?
There were laws about all of those things, and more. We were supposed to ignore our hearts and minds, and comply with the Tenets. That meant calling law enforcement on the beggar, turning the puppy into the pound for disposal, and reporting the relative to the proper authorities, to be reconditioned at best and exiled at worst. Each question added to the pit of dread in my gut, until I was sure I was about to lose my breakfast all over the desk.
It wouldn’t be the first time someone retched on one of the desks in the test center. We’d heard all the stories during our high school years. That person usually got escorted out and found themselves at the bottom of the match list later, paired with someone considered to be equally hopeless at functioning in society.
As much as I didn’t want to be matched, I also didn’t want to be that person. So, I swallowed my bile and continued writing my answers in the neatest print my sweaty, shaking hand would allow.
A glance at Anna showed her cheeks were flushed, but a smile accompanied it. She was probably mocking the test in her head, giggling internally, as she did with so many things. It was simple for her, because she liked boys and they liked her. Furthermore, she knew how to pretend to be a model citizen. She might take stupid risks, but at least there wasn’t anything wrong with her. Besides, since her father was Head Matchmaker, she was probably a shoe-in to get the person she wanted, instead of the one they decided was best suited to her.
I forced out a breath I’d been holding. As long as no one knew I was defective, maybe they would pair me with a nice husband. Not some obnoxious kid, but one of the more mature ones. One who would let me go to college, especially if my CAIT scores factored into the Matchmakers’ decision. It was the only shot I had at a somewhat happy life.
My chest tightened. If only this was an academic test, it wouldn’t weigh so heavily on my thoughts. Math was easy. Being human, particularly an abnormal one, was so much harder.
I finished the essay questions with time to spare, sure I would need a long shower to rinse away the perspiration coating my body. The twenty minutes remaining gave me time to read over my responses, but I didn’t want to add to my nerves by going back and trying to find imperfections. Instead, I closed the test booklet and shoved it to the upper corner of my desk. We weren’t allowed to have anything else in sight, so I looked outside and watched the clouds drifting in the blue sky.
As the proctor collected our exams, I chanced a sniff of my underarms. The deodorant masked the scent of my anxiety and I thanked the Commonwealth again for little luxuries. Civilization had its perks.
“You looked like you were going to throw up,” Anna declared as she flounced to my side. She looked sunnier than ever in a pale green dress with little yellow starbursts all over it. Somehow, even with a peasant-blouse style top and long skirt, she managed to catch appreciative stares from the boys.
“Could you please say that louder? I don’t think the entire class heard you.” I stuffed my pencil into my small leather backpack, alongside my school-issued tablet. Unlike her, I was about to be known as the girl who wanted to barf on her desk. Not a good look for anyone. Not that it mattered, but I still cared about avoiding gross rumors. One little slip was all it took to throw an entire future of promise out the window.
“Seriously, you have nothing to worry about, Kira. My dad said they take CAITs into consideration, too, so you’ll probably get a husband who lets you go to college. With grades and scores like yours, any guy would be an idiot not to let you go.” She tugged on my elbow, somehow more eager than me to get out of the stifling classroom.
Her father would know these things, considering his position. If Anna thought she could influence her father to choose a husband she would like in the first place, maybe she could put in a good word for me, too. Taking advantage of my position in society wasn’t something I liked the idea of doing, but maybe it would be worth it in this instance. Just this one time.
I swallowed the acid still lingering in my throat and said, “Whatever the Commonwealth dictates, that’s what we have to do.”
“Oh, for goodness sake, Kira.” I could practically hear Anna’s eyeroll. “You do know that following the rules doesn’t mean you have to be perfect, right? Everyone breaks the rules at some point.”
“What’s the point of saying that?” We exited into the sunshine, our last official test of senior year marking the end to our three-hour day at the bleak test center. Only one more week of school and then we would be adults with little to no fanfare. And matched for life with a spouse someone else chose for us based on nothing more than test scores.
“My point is twelve years and you’ve done nothing, Kira. You’ve done nothing except follow the rules.”
“Except not get into trouble, you mean.” I tried not to sound annoyed, but I was sure my voice held a defensive edge.
Anna gripped my wrist, stopping me short. “Kira, you can’t end senior year without doing something wild and fun. Join the real world. Be a normal kid, just once, and then you can carry on being little miss perfect wife and college student, okay?”
The truth burned at my chest. I wasn’t normal, and I certainly wasn’t about to be a perfect wife. There was something wrong with me, as the thrill I felt at Anna’s touch reminded me.
“I can’t risk it,” I gritted out through my teeth.
Anna leaned toward me and hissed, “Yes you can. Let me show you tonight.”
I pressed my lips together to keep from pointing out that wasn’t the sort of thing good girls did. The harder I protested, the more likely Anna was to shove me down a path I had no intention of following. The only thing that would get me out of this was silence.
“WHY SO QUIET?” ANNA tugged at my hair, leaving my scalp tingling as she worked a brush through my waves while I sat in front of her vanity. She’d insisted on dressing me and doing my makeup. I felt like a doll, seated at her fancy dressing table in the second largest house in the Commonwealth.
Other than the governor and his council, Anna’s family had one of the nicest houses in the city. It was a mansion, really––big, fancy, and full of luxuries most of us could only dream of having. Sure, I had a big bedroom with its own bathroom, but Anna had an entire suite that included a sitting room, walk-in closet, and bathroom with a garden-style bathtub.
Being one of the privileged elite made all the difference when it came to work, pay, and social circles. Though there was also an unspoken stratum there, too. Even with my family’s illustrious history and favored status, the best I could hope for was an upper middle-class future. Not that I aspired to be more than that. Living with the fact that my ancestor had founded the city and its totalitarian government wasn’t exactly a point of pride.
Besides, I couldn’t be anything like Anna, even if I tried. To be not just wealthy, but spoiled and callous... That didn’t seem right to me. As much as I adored her, I couldn’t agree with the way she flouted the law and thought there wouldn’t be repercussions.
Yet here I was, allowing her to pressure me into doing the very thing I had spent my entire adolescence avoiding. I opened my mouth to speak, but she glared at me in the mirror.
“I wish you would stop worrying so much about everything, Kira. Life is scary enough as it is. We’re stuck in a city where we practically have no rights, except the ones the government gives us. We have no vote, not like they did before the Fracture, and we certainly don’t get to choose our own futures.”
She stopped and took a breath, holding my gaze in the mirror. It was the first time I’d ever heard Anna go in for real talk. The kind that let a person know she was more than a pretty face.
“This might be your only chance to do something exciting with your life. Hell, the government expects kids to break the rules, especially kids like us. Our parents can afford to get us out of trouble if we get caught and it won’t stay on our permanent record. Trust me. Something like this doesn’t get you reconditioned. You are committing treason. Besides, I haven’t gotten caught yet. One night out won’t change whatever is going to happen after high school.”
“Won’t it?” I couldn’t help but ask. “If we get caught doing anything illegal or fraternizing with them, then it could be all over for us. Maybe the risk isn’t as much for you because your father can get you out of trouble, and maybe it’s not even that much for me, but why take the chance when we don’t know for certain? What if one of us is the unlucky kid they decide to make an example of, or something like that?”
Anna’s hands stopped, the brushstrokes no longer massaging my scalp. “You think I’m counting on the fact that I’m some spoiled rich girl who has nothing to lose? That my daddy will get me out of anything and that there’s no risk to me?”
Her expression hardened and, for all her bravado, I couldn’t help but wonder if there was something I was missing. Something she’d seen or heard that she’d somehow shielded me from in all our years of friendship.
“Think again, Kira. Yeah, I know I’ve got enough privilege for them to look the other way and maybe that isn’t fair. And it may not look like it, but I also know I have just as much to lose as anyone. Here’s the thing, though––if I live my life in fear, like so many people do, then that’s not really living at all. That’s more of a loss than anything.” Tears shimmered at the corners of her eyes, and I knew that, yes, there was something she wasn’t sharing with me.
Something I had to respect as personal, as belonging completely to her. Maybe she would tell me someday, but not tonight.
I swallowed my usual warnings, any further reproach dying on my lips. She was also right about me and living in fear. I knew that better than anyone, because I’d stifled every urge to rebel for longer than I could remember. To question the tenets, to protest the treatment of the poor, to kiss a girl...
Just once, I could do this for Anna. For myself. Have a taste of the forbidden, before I shielded myself in obedience once more. Because, in the end, both Anna and I were trapped in the world around us––a world we’d had no hand in creating and would probably never be able to change.