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Vi walked me home. She even held my hand some of the way. We made it there well before curfew, but I lingered at the end of the street, not wanting her to see exactly where I lived. Maybe it was silly, considering she’d already gotten a card to me, but the idea of her seeing my home was embarrassing. It might have given her even more of a clue to who I was, might kindle a sense of hatred for me and my family, and what our ancestors had created. I didn’t need that. Not after she’d trusted me enough to reveal so much about herself in such a short time.
I also wasn’t ready to walk away from her. Not just yet. Her touch sent a thrill through me that I couldn’t explain.
Instead of letting go of her hand at the end of my street, I faced her and asked, “Why me? You must see girls by the hundreds coming and going through those club doors. Why, out of all the beautiful girls out there, would you want to see me? I know you must be important or some kind of underground celebrity. You could have anyone you want.”
The way the streetlights reflected in her eyes, I thought I saw tears there. She released my hand, her fingers lingering against mine as she drew away from me.
“Who knows how stuff like this happens? All I can say for certain is when I saw you, I knew you were different than the other Loyalist kids, and I had to see if I was right. Anyway, you better get home. You’ve got a big week coming up and you don’t need to be seen in public with a Shamed. Promise not to forget me while you’re on your Match Day date, though.”
“How could I? You’re all I’ve been thinking about since last week.” My response came out more heartfelt than I’d intended and her lips quirked up in a grin.
“That’s exactly what I’m counting on,” she answered, before turning on her heel and walking back down the street toward the heart of the city.
MATCH DAY ARRIVED FASTER than I’d thought it would, especially after my late-night meeting with Vi. Anna didn’t leave me alone for a moment. She wanted to re-evaluate our wardrobes, our hair and make-up choices and, of course, talk about boys. Adults didn’t wear the faded, innocent dresses of their youth. At least, according to her. It was time to put aside the things she called “sweet”––such as my mother’s ivory dress and Mary Janes––and save them for when I had a daughter.
That was the only topic of conversation as we prepared for our dates on the evening of our Match Day at my house. Anna had already gone through my closet earlier in the afternoon and decided which dresses I should keep and which I should donate to one of the group homes. They were now neatly folded in a box, and the sight of it tugged at my heart.
“Trev will follow in his father’s footsteps someday, you know,” she told me as she gathered her hair behind her head and turned to look at it in the mirror above my dresser. “Should I wear it up or down for tonight? I have such a nice neck, but I think down is more alluring, don’t you?”
“Half up, half down,” I suggested, mulling over her words. “Do you really think Trevor will be governor?”
“Absolutely, which means I’ll be the first lady and a very good friend for you to have.” Anna was wearing a silky, beige slip, but she’d already confessed she was going without underwear tonight. It seemed like she wanted to get this match off to a running start and I almost couldn’t blame her.
Trevor had been the subject of speculation by our peers since freshman year. As the son of the governor, it stood to reason that he step into the role when Governor Ellery died. Unless, of course, the governor was grooming someone else to take his place.
Elections didn’t happen here. In the Commonwealth, might made right. When my great-grandfather was killed in the first and only uprising, his vice governor had quelled it with equal violence, and then taken his place as head of state. That man had been the current governor’s father.
The thought that one of the boys I’d gone to school with for twelve years could be governor someday made me shudder. Even if we did have a democratic electoral system, I knew in my heart it wouldn’t be fair. The Tenets only provided for an election to occur upon the death of a governor without issue but, even then, most people had an idea of what to expect for the outcome. It would be the person who promised to keep the status quo, so those who had the right to vote would continue to enjoy their social positions.
Separatists and Shamed couldn’t vote. They had no voice in our government. And since everything we did went on our white card, or permanent record, any Loyalist who voted against expectations would probably have been branded a Separatist and punished. There was no changing the system. It was designed to keep everyone in their place, and it did it effectively.
It was a pointless law, meant to keep the privileged upper class in control, and thinking about it now was the first time I saw the problems inherent in the system. Because others suffered for that privilege.
Did Anna know about this, that the future she was so excited about represented a continuation of that oppression?
I glanced at myself in the mirror and pushed Anna’s words to the back of my mind. This wasn’t the time to point out her, or my, complicity in the ruling class’ system. What I needed to do was learn more before I made a mistake. There might have been something I could do, but I wouldn’t get those kinds of answers tonight.
I’d only made the most perfunctory of efforts for my date with Carter. A little powder on my nose to diminish shine, some of Anna’s illegal mascara to emphasize my eyes, and clear lip gloss would be enough to show I’d put some thought into my appearance. Seduction was the last thing on my mind, unlike Anna.
Vi would approve. She had seen me at my worst, and I had a feeling looks didn’t impress her as much as other qualities. If only she was the person meeting me for a date tonight, and not Carter.
“You did really well, getting Carter.” Anna seemed intent on chattering on about tonight, like she didn’t know it pained me. Like my kissing her hadn’t been confirmation that getting a match with one of the boys wasn’t something I cared about or wanted. “Did you know he was the second highest ranking boy in the entire school? I mean, academically and socially, so your match is perfectly equal. Like mine and Trevor’s.”
I tried to think of something nice to say and settled on, “You wouldn’t think it with how quiet Carter is.”
“Mmhmm, he’s smart and sweet and humble. A lot like you.” She slipped into the dress and gestured at her back, an unspoken request for me to zip it up. I stood and reached for the zipper. “I know he’s not your type, Kira, but I think you’ll find you aren’t his, either.”
The remark froze me in place, my hands at her back, the zipper between thumb and forefinger. After days of telling me how perfect the match was, why would she say that?
“What do you mean?”
“I mean he’s like you in a lot of ways, but especially in the kinds of people he likes.”
She wasn’t trying to sound rude or unkind, but her meaning still sank in like a bullet. Carter was an aberration, like me, someone whose unnatural desires were in conflict with the Tenets. That meant, possibly, that we could live in some kind of harmony. How, I didn’t know, but at least I got the impression that he wouldn’t want to do the things most married couples did. Not with me, anyway.
Better yet, no one would ask. No one would have to know. Plenty of couples were childless. I’d known for years that I preferred not to have children, myself. Not just because of my attraction to other girls, but because I couldn’t, in good conscience, bring an innocent into this world. A world in which I’d never felt truly safe or comfortable. I refused to condemn another human being to that.
I didn’t respond to Anna’s statement. It seemed less like something to discuss and more like an attempt by her to reassure me. Once I finished zipping her dress, Anna turned and blew a kiss at herself in the mirror.
“Let’s get on with our futures, shall we?” She offered her arm, so I hooked my elbow with hers and allowed myself a smile.
Our friendship, it seemed, had eased back into a new normal. Maybe her remark had been to also acknowledge that she understood I was different, but that she was okay with it. Unfortunately, there was still a tone deafness to it that I didn’t know how to approach, so I let it slide.
Both Trevor and Carter had invited us to dine at the same restaurant, not as a foursome, of course. The first date was supposed to be for the newly-matched couples to get to know one another. First impressions were everything, even after spending most of our lives attending the same school together. I hadn’t cultivated any lasting friendships with my fellow peers and, for me, this date was no different than participating in a school-assigned lab or study group. I had to work with Carter, so it was up to me to make the best of it.
Anna’s parents had hired a sleek, black car to bring us to the restaurant. It was another social norm. You met your date in front of the venue, but you left together afterward. Both Trevor and Carter smiled when our driver opened the door for us. This was my first taste of privileged adulthood.
It made me feel exposed, my stomach churning with each step I took toward the future someone else had chosen for me.
Trevor and Anna walked in front of us, his hand at the small of her back in a proprietary way that she seemed to enjoy. She smiled like the cat that got the cream and angled herself toward him so everyone in the restaurant would know she was staking her claim. Even though a match was as good as an engagement, Anna wasn’t going to waste a moment on ensuring her place as Trevor’s wife. I wasn’t naïve enough to think married people stayed faithful, regardless of the Tenets. Heaven help any woman who tried to become Trevor’s mistress. Anna would have her for breakfast.
In contrast, Carter didn’t lay a hand on me. He held my chair, though, and told the server that whatever we drank would be my decision, not his. The small talk about the end of school wasn’t so bad. Anna was right. He’d been right behind me in grade point average, and we’d been in all the same classes together. I just hadn’t paid much attention to him.
Once the salads arrived, though, I didn’t know how much more I could take. We were running out of topics since school was a thing of the past. He was a nice enough guy, but what could we really discuss besides former teachers and our thoughts on classes that no longer mattered?
Besides, I was still hoping to regain some semblance of normalcy with Anna, and her remark tonight had made it clear our friendship was anything but normal. She knew everything about me, now, and was practically engaged to the governor’s son. The fact that I was treading very dangerous water sent a chill down my spine.
Carter cleared his throat and said, “You look pretty tonight, Kira. Though I think you always look pretty.”
“Thank you. I’m... I’m sorry we never talked much in school.” It seemed like the safest, nicest thing to say, if we were going to start getting personal.
“Yeah, well, we were both pretty busy keeping up our grades. I mean, I had to if I was going to be matched with the girl I liked.”
I blinked and looked up at Carter. He was looking at me with such a steady gaze, that I knew he’d meant what he’d said. How could I possibly express my confusion without letting him know what I suspected about him?
“I’m sorry, but Anna told me you were not into, um, girls like me.”
“You apologize a lot, don’t you? And she was right to some extent. I always knew I wanted to be matched with you, because I think we’re more alike than you ever realized. For one thing, there’s no one else we could possibly like, anyway. Am I right?” He had a nice smile, kind of lopsided and mischievous, but still sincere.
I couldn’t help but smile back and pick up my fork to try the salad. The dressing drizzled over the baby spinach, cucumbers, and shredded cheese was delicious. “You are. I mean, if we’re going to do this and do what’s expected of us, I have to say I feel pretty lucky that you understand me.”
The way we were dancing around the topic, I still wasn’t sure if his point was our sexuality or something else. Maybe it was both.
“You want to go to college, don’t you?” he asked.
“Yes.” My stomach unclenched. This conversation had taken a much safer turn. “I got the highest CAIT scores in our class.”
“I know. I want to go, too. What do you want to study?”
I released a nervous laugh. If we could both agree on attending college, that was the best thing to come out of this date. “That’s the trick, isn’t it? Trying to decide has never been easy for me. I know I want to go and see what my options are. Math and science both interest me, but so does the law. Especially now.”
“Law?” His eyebrow lifted.
I bit my tongue and went back to eating the salad. I’d said too much. No one needed to know that Vi’s explanation of what happened to Separatist children had sparked a need for me to help them. While her way of helping was to smuggle them out of the city, I thought there might be a better way to go about it. A way to investigate our laws and fight for their rights. If they had any.
And then there was the reconditioning program. What truly went into it and was it an appropriate punishment, or did it violate the citizens’ rights? Perhaps we didn’t have anything remotely resembling rights, but I wanted to know the truth. The one way I could do that was by learning about our laws and the application of them.
“You’re full of surprises,” he said, after I didn’t elaborate.
“What about you?” I asked, trying to sound interested.
Carter told me about his family and his ambition to become a doctor. He had a lot to say, and I was grateful that it gave me the chance to smile, eat, and nod, while thinking the whole time how much I wanted to talk to Vi about the decision I’d made for my future.