Ohio State was good for Maggie. The time she had spent with Paul during her senior year in high school had given her self-confidence and faith in herself. He had told her how smart she was, and how different from all the other girls. He made her feel special. At Ohio State, she majored in art history, and took classes in art and design. She took some business classes too. She thought they could be useful someday. Maggie was a beautiful, dark-haired girl with a good figure. She was a fine athlete, and loved going to football games with the boys she dated. One boy she went out with in her sophomore year wanted to join the Navy and become a SEAL. Her mother objected strenuously when Maggie told her about him. She swore he would be another danger addict who would break her heart, but Maggie lost her virginity to him anyway. Eventually they got tired of each other. She hadn’t heard from Paul for a year by then. She’d had a couple of postcards from him at first. He had won a string of races in Southern California, and then headed to Mexico to race there. After that, he wrote and said he was thinking of going to City College in San Diego, but hadn’t decided yet. The lure of all the things he wanted to do was greater than school. He wrote again that he was going mountain climbing in Argentina, and after that she got a postcard from him that said he was trekking in Nepal. He had told her he was taking any small jobs he could find, saving his money, and then taking off again as soon as he had enough to pay for the next step of his travels. He obviously hadn’t gone to San Diego. She wondered if he’d ever settle down. She couldn’t see it happening. The world was too big and too full of things that excited him. He had an unquenchable thirst for adventure, and she didn’t. Not out of terror like her mother, but she just didn’t want to roam all over the world looking for mountains to climb and challenges to conquer.
When she graduated, she went back to Chicago. Tommy was a senior then and, after graduation, nearly broke his mother’s heart when he turned eighteen and joined the Navy. He said he could get a better education there. He wanted to be an aeronautics engineer eventually, and a Navy pilot. He did his officer training course the summer after graduation and owed the Navy three to five years after college. He did specialized training, flying fighter planes, and whenever Maggie saw him, he told her he was happy. He looked just like their father and loved flying just as much. His plan was to work for a company like Boeing when he mustered out after graduate school, and he would easily get a great job. His career path seemed like the right one for him.
Maggie had a good job then too, working in the finance office of a TV network. She made a respectable salary and had a small apartment in Chicago. Her mother and Harry had finally moved to the suburbs. Harry was sixty-one and planning to retire in four years, to play golf, watch TV, and drink beer with his wife, which was enough for both of them.
Maggie had discovered that she had a knack for finance, and had put her dreams of art and design aside. She wanted a solid job she could count on, and not have to take a risk by trying to develop a talent that might never pan out. She had learned from her mother the value of a sure thing, and how important being safe was. She set her sights higher than her mother had, but Emma had convinced her that safety was vital for a happy life.
When Tommy was twenty-three, flying for the Navy, they sent him to Iraq, which drove his mother into a constant state of anxiety. She quit her job at the hotel and sat glued to the TV every day, watching CNN, terrified of what she would see there. He had been in Iraq for four months, when her worst nightmare happened. His plane was shot down and exploded during the bombing of a convoy. There was no body to send home, and Emma looked like a zombie at the funeral. She never recovered. She clung to Harry as though she were drowning. He and Maggie got her up and down the aisle behind an empty casket, draped with a flag they folded and handed to her, just as they had the one on Kevin’s casket nineteen years before.
Maggie was so worried about her mother that she quit her job, and spent three months taking care of her, but Emma was never the same after that. She looked dazed and distracted, and was frightened of everything. She cried when Harry left for work, and she rarely left the house. Her hands shook violently, and six months later, she was diagnosed with Parkinson’s and dementia, but Maggie knew her mother was dying of a broken heart. Losing her son had killed her. She had lost two men to their love of flying planes, and their love of their country. And Maggie had lost a father and a brother. She was twenty-eight when Tommy died, and she felt different too. She understood better now what her mother had been trying to teach her, the importance of a stable, safe life. She never wanted to go through this again. She had nightmares every night, dreaming either of her father or her brother crashing in their planes.
She finally started looking for another job, when Harry hired a woman to take care of Emma in the daytime. She thought of looking for a job in a museum or an art gallery, but instead wound up working as a receptionist for an accounting firm. It wasn’t an exciting job, but it was the best offer she had at the time, with a good company that had a fine reputation. The pay was fair and they let her do some minor bookkeeping. She told herself she’d find a better job later. She didn’t intend to stay there forever, just for a while to get back in the workforce. It was a gentle way to start again after the trauma she’d been through. She liked the people when she interviewed. They all seemed straightforward and friendly and had integrity. It was privately owned by an older man, and run by his son, Brad Mackenzie, who was thirty-three years old and would inherit the business one day. They were considerate and kind. They knew she’d lost her brother and had been nursing her mother, and were compassionate about it.
Two months after she started working there, Brad asked Maggie out, and she hesitated. She didn’t think it was a good idea to date the boss’s son. If it turned out badly she could get fired or have to quit. It seemed too risky, but he was so nice to her and so insistent that she finally succumbed, and they started dating. Even in her diminished state, her mother said Brad was perfect. The Mackenzies were a solid family and Brad was their only son. He had gone to Northwestern, played football in college, loved baseball, went to Stanford Business School for an MBA, then came home to run the family business and enjoyed it. He and his father got along well, and Brad told her repeatedly how much he had learned from his father. He was an all-around wholesome, decent guy.
A year after they started dating, he proposed, and they got engaged. She couldn’t think of a single reason not to. He was the kind of man every parent wanted for their daughter. He wasn’t exciting, but he was someone you could count on. And in a quiet, gentle way, she loved him. It wasn’t a wild, passionate love, but she could see growing old with him. Their life wasn’t thrilling, but it was predictable and solid, and having lost a father and a brother, with a mother slipping away quietly, he was a rock she could hang on to, which was important to her. She had no family left, except a mother with dementia.
She was twenty-nine when they married. They bought a home in Lake Forest, and she got pregnant almost immediately. Their son, Aden, was born when Maggie was thirty and Brad thirty-five, and they were the perfect suburban American family, the poster children for a happy life. Maggie’s mother died shortly after Aden was born, which wasn’t unexpected, and was a release from the grief that had drowned her. Maggie was glad she had at least seen the baby, although she thought he was Tommy, and didn’t really understand by then. There was nothing left of the woman she had been before Kevin died, when Maggie was a child. The hard blows and the losses in her life had destroyed her.
Maggie had stopped working for Brad full-time when the baby was born, and helped him out two days a week when Aden started kindergarten. She liked working in the office with him. He had inherited the business by then, it was doing better than ever, and Brad was proud to own and run it.
He and Maggie were happy, more than she had ever expected to be. She had always thought she would marry a man like her father, handsome and rakish, daring and brave. Brad was an attractive man, but he had none of the wild impulses of her father or brother. He was what she had wanted, a man who was never going to surprise her or frighten her with a roller coaster ride through life. She didn’t want that. She loved knowing that their life would continue on the same reliable path forever. She needed that now. Brad and Aden were all she had.
Her only worry was that Aden had the Kelly bloodline in his veins, and as much as she preached the same things that her mother had, about the value of stability and leading a safe life, risk-taking came naturally to him. He had climbed a tree at five and she had to call the fire department to get him down. He had gone too high on the jungle gym at school, fallen, and broken an arm. He was a ski racer at thirteen and fourteen, had a concussion at fifteen when he fell off a horse, and wanted to get right back on. She was constantly trying to tame him. He wanted to try every dangerous sport he could think of, and he loved going to skateboard parks with his board and learning terrifying tricks from the pros. It was hard to keep him down. He played lacrosse briefly in high school, which was a brutal sport, and rapidly switched to hockey, which was more so. He was a good athlete and had a natural aptitude for it. Maggie did everything she could to discourage him. Brad worried about it less than she did and said he was “just a boy,” but she had seen firsthand what that could lead to, and she kept a tight leash on him, as best she could. She didn’t want Aden to get hurt.
In his junior year in high school, he joined the ice hockey team and was the best player on the team. In his senior year, he was applying for hockey scholarships in college, which limited him to schools in the Northeast and Midwest.
“Can’t he do something simple, like play tennis?” Maggie said to Brad unhappily. When she saw him do tricks on his skateboard, he reminded her of Paul Gilmore in high school. She hadn’t heard from him in thirty years, but years before, she’d heard that he had become a legendary Formula One race car driver, which didn’t surprise her. She was grateful that Aden didn’t want to race cars or fly, but he wanted to do just about everything else. Maggie was constantly worried about him.
They had talked about having another child early in their marriage, but finally decided that one was enough. Aden seemed perfect to them. Maggie didn’t want to take a chance that something might go wrong with a second one, while Brad wanted to be able to provide well for their son, give him a good education and a solid start in life. They didn’t live lavishly, but they were comfortable. Maggie had always been sensible, and since she didn’t bring in an income, she had never been extravagant. They had everything they wanted, and didn’t need more than that. They could have afforded a bigger home, but liked the small, simple one they had. They always felt as though they had enough and weren’t greedy for more, on any front. Brad had always been conservative and financially responsible.
Aden was going to fill out his college applications during the Christmas vacation, and Brad surprised Maggie two weeks before Christmas with the offer of a quick trip to New York. He was going to an accountants’ convention for three days and invited her to come along. He didn’t like to travel, but he went to a lot of conventions. The prospect of a little Christmas shopping in New York was hard to resist and Maggie loved going on trips with him. She didn’t do it often, because she didn’t like leaving Aden alone. But she called one of the mothers from the hockey team, and she was happy to have him stay with them. Maggie didn’t like leaving him alone at home at seventeen. He was a good kid but not a saint, and the temptation of his parents being out of town might lead to mischief with his friends.
The day before the trip, Maggie told Brad everything was organized, and she loved the idea of staying at a hotel with him. Their life centered around their son and Brad’s accounting firm, and they rarely took time off together. They had been promising themselves a romantic vacation somewhere when Aden left for college in the fall. Maybe Hawaii. Their life had turned out just the way Maggie had wanted it to. Her brother’s death had affected her deeply. She was never as sure anymore that they were safe from the hand of fate. She was the antithesis of a risk-taker, and wanted to play it safe in all things, particularly when it involved their son. Maggie had seen what losing Tommy had done to her mother. It was even worse than losing her husband, which was bad enough. Harry was still alive at eighty, and had remarried a nice woman he knew from work. He visited Maggie from time to time, but had moved to Florida with his new wife when he retired, and he was slowing down. He rarely came to Chicago anymore, and he and Maggie had never been close. His marriage to her mother had been a sad chapter in his life, which she inevitably reminded him of.
It felt like a mini-honeymoon when Brad and Maggie left for the airport. Aden had been picked up by his car pool that morning. On the way to the airport, Brad and Maggie chatted about what they were going to do in New York. They were staying at a hotel they both liked and Brad had heard of a new restaurant he wanted to try.
There was a slight delay when they left O’Hare, but nothing major. The flight was more turbulent than usual, and it started to snow heavily half an hour out of New York. Brad glanced outside and wondered if they’d have trouble landing. He hoped they wouldn’t be diverted to another airport, and as soon as he thought it, the captain came on and told them they’d been asked to stay in a holding pattern over LaGuardia for a short time. Twenty minutes later, they were told they’d be landing in Newark. The snowstorm had gotten much worse in the last half hour, and when they left the holding pattern and headed to New Jersey, they hit even worse turbulence. They dropped altitude, and the passengers could hear the landing gear come down. As soon as it did, the plane started to pitch and roll from side to side, and Maggie took Brad’s hand and held it firmly. They could see that they were over the Hudson River by then, with the skyscrapers of New York on one side and New Jersey on the other, then the plane took a sharp nosedive downward. Maggie could see the river rushing toward them when she looked out the window. She glanced at Brad as the flight attendant made an announcement to take crash positions and told them what to do. The snow was swirling around them, they were going down fast, and passengers started to panic.
“Brad…” Maggie said, not wanting to say what she was thinking.
“It’s going to be fine…it’s just a snowstorm.” He squeezed her hand and smiled at her as they took crash positions. Maggie was distantly aware of people screaming, and before she could say anything else to Brad, they hit the river with a bang, and a huge spray of water shot out around them, as the flight attendants shouted at them to follow the floor lighting to the exits. Brad put a life vest over Maggie’s head and pulled her along. She didn’t even have time to panic as passengers jumped down the slides, half crying, some still screaming, a steady stream of humanity sliding out of the plane onto the inflated slides, which detached and became rafts that were hit by waves of icy water, which soaked them. They could see people sliding down the slides into the other rafts. Boats converged on them and the plane sank lower as people continued down the slides into the rafts bobbing on the water. Maggie saw a woman slip overboard on one of the rafts and sink under the waves, pulled down by her heavy winter clothes. Maggie had let go of Brad’s hand and turned to him, but he wasn’t there. He was in the water, clinging desperately to the slippery side of the raft with a frantic expression, as she looked at him and saw him sink. She reached for him but couldn’t grasp his hand as the raft moved away from him. She screamed for someone to help her, but he was pulled by the waves and the currents, and she saw him start to disappear in the water. She screamed again and pointed to him, as someone in another raft tried to grab him. But as she watched, Brad disappeared and she couldn’t see him anywhere, as passengers in both rafts stared at the dark, icy water in horror. There was no sign of him.
All the passengers were out of the plane by then. Some were still in the water. Two of the crew had jumped free of the plane just before it went down, and boats were trying to reach them. Maggie saw one woman in a uniform go down with the plane, and a man was standing next to her. It was the captain who had stayed to see everyone off, and then suddenly she couldn’t see either of them, as the plane slipped under the water, and sank to the bottom of the river. They had died heroes’ deaths, while the helicopters hovered overhead dropping life preservers and ropes, and others shouted at the struggling passengers to grab them. Powerful searchlights swept the area as the desperate rescue missions continued. Maggie kept looking and hoping that Brad had been pulled into another raft, but she didn’t see him. She sat shivering in shock in the life raft as the scene became a blur around her.
She felt powerful arms lift her up and put her in a harness. She had been soaked by the icy water, and felt herself suddenly flying over the river and pulled into a helicopter. Rescue workers instantly wrapped thermal blankets around her, and she managed to choke out the words, “My husband…he’s still down there…you have to get him…” She tried to pull away from them to point to where she’d last seen him. It was a tangle of boats and rafts. The Coast Guard was on the scene by then with divers in the water. She was sure that they would find him.
Maggie was lying on the floor of the helicopter with rescue workers around her while they flew her to a hospital in New Jersey, along with other passengers lying beside her. One of them, an older man, was dead by the time they landed. Maggie had lost consciousness by then.
It was hours before the search ended. Seventy-two people had been rescued and survived, forty-nine had died, including the captain and two crew members, who had died bravely trying to save the passengers.
Aden was watching it all on TV at the friend’s home where he was staying. He had no idea if his parents were alive, and he was sobbing as he watched the horror of it in the midst of the snowstorm, with rescue boats bobbing everywhere. They had recovered as many people as they could, but several had gone down in the icy waters.
Maggie called Aden three hours later, when she was conscious enough to do so, and she told him the terrible news that his father had died. They had recovered his body, but he had drowned. She had severe hypothermia herself, but they had managed to warm her and save her. Aden was still crying when she had to hang up, unable to speak any longer and shaking violently. She wanted to go home to him, but it was another three days before they would release her from the hospital and send her back to Chicago by air ambulance. Maggie was flown to a hospital in Chicago to be checked again before she was released. Aden had wanted to meet her there, but she knew it would be chaotic and traumatic for him, and she insisted that he wait for her at his friend’s house.
When she came to pick Aden up, she looked like a ghost. It brought back all her worst memories of her own childhood, when her father had died, and later when her brother was killed in Iraq. And now it had happened again. A simple, easy trip to New York had turned into a nightmare. She and Aden went home to their silent house. They had already brought their Christmas tree home, but hadn’t set it up yet, and left it tied up in the garage, along with the lights they didn’t use that year. Maggie dragged the bare tree out to the trash on Christmas Day.
Brad’s funeral was a week before Christmas. They buried him with his parents in the family plot. Maggie’s mother was buried nearby in the same cemetery, and the only family she and Aden had now was each other. He was inconsolable, and the entire community rallied around them, brought them food, and offered to do anything they could to help. Aden and Maggie ignored Christmas entirely, and kept to themselves, mourning Brad. She wished she had her mother to talk to, to teach her how to be a widow. She had no idea what to do next. She was consumed with guilt that she had survived and Brad hadn’t. The questions went round and round in her head. Why had he fallen overboard? Why didn’t someone pull him out of the water? Why was she still alive? She had no one to talk to about it, as she lay in bed thinking for hours every night and then wandering around the house. She hadn’t even seen him slip out of the boat, and then suddenly he was in the water. She couldn’t imagine her life, or Aden’s, without him. Their life had seemed so perfect, and now everything was shattered. The airline had offered to arrange counseling for her, but she didn’t feel ready for it yet.
Despite what they were living through, she helped Aden with his college applications during the Christmas vacation. They went for long walks together, and a few of Aden’s closest friends came over. They sat quietly in his room, and he finally went out to dinner with them one night. Maggie sat alone in the house, and then looked into Brad’s closets, as though she still expected him to come home and tell her it was all a mistake and he’d been taken to a different hospital. It just didn’t seem possible that Brad had left her, as her father and brother had. They lived such a sane, careful life. They took no risks, did nothing dangerous. She had loved him for twenty years, and now he was gone.
The house felt like a tomb when Aden went back to school. Brad’s office manager wanted to speak to Maggie, but she told him she just couldn’t. She had no words for anyone. People were still leaving baskets of food on their doorstep, afraid to ring the doorbell. But she couldn’t eat any of it. She couldn’t imagine how their life would ever be normal again. She tried to be as functional as she could for Aden, but she felt like she was hanging by a thread.
Aden had somehow managed to get his college applications in on time, although he was telling her that he didn’t care about college now. She had been nine when she lost her father and Aden was seventeen, still a boy in so many ways. How was she going to be both mother and father to him? Just living and breathing seemed nearly impossible. She was doing it but didn’t know how.
She was sitting in their living room, staring into space in her nightgown, when one of the mothers from Aden’s hockey team texted her that she was going to drop by, and then bravely rang her doorbell. Maggie didn’t answer at first, and then finally opened it and stood there staring at her. There was no one in the world she wanted to speak to. She and Helen Watson weren’t close, but Maggie had always liked her.
They stared at each other for a moment, and Helen spoke softly. “What can I do to help?”
“Nothing,” Maggie said bleakly, understanding better now how disconnected her mother had been for years after Maggie’s father died. “There’s nothing anyone can do.”
“Make beds? Do dishes? Cook dinner?” she offered, as Maggie smiled, stood back, and invited her in. She didn’t really want to, but she didn’t want to be rude. Helen was a nice woman.
“Everything’s a mess. I haven’t done laundry or made a bed since…it happened.” She still couldn’t say the words yet.
“I worked my way through college as a maid at the Four Seasons,” Helen said with a smile. “You don’t even have to tip me.” Maggie laughed for the first time in weeks and the sound was unfamiliar to her. She felt as if she were lost in a strange new world, like Alice in Wonderland down the rabbit hole. It was suddenly a relief to have someone there with her. Maggie followed her around, feeling lost. Helen made her a cup of tea and handed it to her. She rinsed Aden’s breakfast dishes in the sink and put them in the dishwasher and made order in the kitchen, while Maggie watched her. Helen opened the fridge, full of untouched casseroles and rotting fruit. She threw most of it away, then made cinnamon toast for Maggie, and went upstairs to make the beds, as Maggie trailed after her, looking embarrassed.
“I’m sorry, everything is such a mess…me mostly.”
“It would be weird if you weren’t,” Helen said softly. “My identical twin sister died of meningitis when we were in college. I was a mess for months. You’ll get through this, Maggie, I promise you. You just have to take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, or five minutes. I’m really sorry.” Maggie nodded as tears filled her eyes.
“I can’t stop thinking about it. If I survived, why couldn’t he? He was bigger and stronger than I am, and such a good person.”
“The mysteries of life,” Helen said quietly. “Why did my sister get meningitis, and I didn’t? Things just happen. And Aden will be okay too. You have each other.” Maggie nodded, wanting to believe her, for Aden’s sake if nothing else.
“My father died when I was nine, and my mother never really recovered. And then my brother died nineteen years later. I think that finished her.” Helen nodded. By then, Helen had made the beds, picked up the towels and laundry, and headed downstairs, as Maggie went with her, seeming a little more alive. The house was already looking better.
“Why don’t you put some clothes on and we’ll go for a walk, just down the street, and then I’ll pick up some groceries. You two can’t live on week-old turkey casserole and shriveled lemons.” She smiled and Maggie smiled back at her.
“I think Aden has been living on cornflakes and frozen pizza. I haven’t been cooking.” She went upstairs to dress then and came back ten minutes later in jeans and a sweatshirt, her hair properly brushed for the first time since the funeral. She suddenly realized how she must look to Aden, and felt guilty about that too. She didn’t want to turn into her mother, shattered forever, broken by what had happened. She had to show him that they could survive, even without his father.
They went for a short walk, as Helen had suggested, and drove to the grocery store. Maggie didn’t want to see anyone, but she didn’t want to starve Aden. She herself had barely eaten since the plane crash and had lost weight. They filled the basket with simple, easy-to-prepare food, and went back to the house.
“Thank you, Helen. I just couldn’t get it together.”
“I know. That’s why I came over.” She was a pretty, petite blonde. She had three sons, Aden’s teammate was the oldest, the youngest was six, and her husband was the head of an advertising agency in Chicago. They went to all their son’s hockey games, just as she and Brad did. “Do you need me to make any calls for you?” she offered. Maggie shook her head.
“I haven’t checked my messages in weeks. There’s no one I want to talk to.”
“It might be a good idea to check,” she suggested gently.
When Maggie looked at her phone, she saw that she had thirty-nine messages. The thought of listening to them was exhausting. “I’ll do it later,” she said. Helen left shortly after, and Maggie sat down in the kitchen to listen to the messages. She had nine from Brad’s office manager, Phil Abrams, at least a dozen from the parents of Aden’s friends, four from their insurance company, and six from the airline. The others were from friends of Brad’s and some people she didn’t even remember, or want to talk to. She didn’t want to talk to anyone, but she called Brad’s office manager first, and apologized for not calling him back sooner. He had worked for the firm for twenty years, and she knew how much Brad respected him.
“Can I come to see you, Maggie?”
“I’m not seeing anyone just now,” she said in a soft voice. He could hear how shattered she was.
“I don’t want to intrude on you, but it’s about the business.” She realized then that she owed it to Brad to meet with Phil, no matter how hard it was for her. She couldn’t just bury herself alive as her mother had done. And even her mother had gone out and worked. She hadn’t hidden at home, she’d had her children to take care of. And Maggie had Aden, and Brad’s business. She agreed to meet with Phil the next day, and said she’d come to the office. Then she asked him to call the insurance company for her.
“They don’t want to talk to me. They need to speak to you. They’ve called here about fifteen times too. They’re very eager to connect with you.” She sighed and promised to call them. “The airline has been calling here too. I think you have to speak to them, Maggie. No matter how painful it is.”
“I guess I do,” she said, feeling exhausted at the prospect. She had forced Aden to go back to school, now she had to make the same effort herself, and face her responsibilities. “What do they want?”
“They didn’t tell me. Their insurers probably want to speak to you, and their legal department. A lot of lives were lost in the crash. They’re going to be dealing with lawsuits. Are you going to sue them, Maggie? That’s probably what they want to know.”
“Why would I? It won’t bring Brad back,” she said sadly.
“Call them, and see what they have to say,” he prodded her, and she said she’d see him the next day at the office and hung up. She dreaded going and not finding Brad there. It would drive the reality home again. But she had to face it.
She had food in the oven when Aden came home that evening, not a casserole and not frozen pizza. She’d made Aden’s favorite meatloaf and he was startled when he saw it. She’d made mashed potatoes and string beans to go with it.
“You cooked?” He looked shocked.
“Jimmy Watson’s mom came over today and got me up and running.” He smiled and put his arms around her, then told her what she had planned to say to him.
“We’re going to be okay, Mom. We’re going to miss Dad like crazy.” His eyes filled with tears. “But he’d want us to get through it. We have to do it for him.”
“I know we will.” She held him tightly, and a few minutes later, they sat down to dinner. She had set the table with place mats, nice plates and cutlery, and cloth napkins. Everything was going to be different from now on, and they both knew it. She had Aden to take care of, and he needed her. Brad was gone. She was a widow at forty-seven. She had no idea how they were going to survive this, but she was determined that they would. Helen Watson had gotten her back on her feet and moving forward. Maggie knew she’d never forget what Helen had done. She owed her a debt of gratitude forever.
After the meatloaf, they had ice cream and chocolate sauce for dessert, Aden’s favorite. It had been Brad’s too, but she couldn’t let herself think about that. She had a son to get through his senior year of high school and into college, a business to make decisions about. And, like it or not, she had to call the insurance company and the airline. The rest could wait.