‘PREGNANT?’ ANNA HAD curled up on the sundeck like a lazy kitten, basking in the sun, and at Leo’s news she turned onto her back and stretched out. ‘Is she happy?’ For the first time in a long time Anna could hear the word without a pang of regret. Maybe she was finally moving forward.
‘Ecstatic. Of course, this explains why she wouldn’t postpone the wedding after the fire. For all her attitude and fashion sense there’s a strong sense of traditionalist in Valentina. She will want to be married when the baby is born, for it to have the father she was denied.’
‘Does she feel up to a big wedding if she isn’t eating?’
‘She says so. She says that she was dizzy for a couple of weeks, that she has been really nauseous and doesn’t want to eat much, but she feels fine. She’s really looking forward to the wedding, even if she will be toasting her husband with fruit juice.’
‘And you’ll be an uncle,’ Anna teased. ‘How do you feel about that? Don’t worry,’ she said as his face clouded. ‘Every child needs an irresponsible uncle who buys them too much ice cream and lets them stay up far too late. I’m sure you will fill that role perfectly.’
‘Is that my fate?’
‘Afraid so.’
Anna looked up at the darkening sky, that same melancholy that had been chasing her all week shivering through her. Lucky Valentina, she thought. Marriage to a guy she adored, a baby on the way. She didn’t seem to be worrying about her future, to be caught in a place she wasn’t sure she wanted to be. Anna had been expecting a self-obsessed starlet demanding perfection from every tiny detail, creating drama for drama’s sake, instead she had found Leo’s sister to be a warm, intelligent young woman far more focussed on the marriage she was entering into than the wedding itself.
Pregnant. Anna’s hand drifted down to cover her own belly, memories of the brief weeks she too had carried life within her floating back. She had thought she was in love, yes, but she hadn’t been secure. She’d been torn apart with fear over her future, how she’d manage work and a baby, worried about what Sebastian would say—and then once he knew she had had to deal with the crushing reality that she was on her own. That the man she thought she was in love with was just a fantasy, the reality someone completely and devastatingly different.
But within all that despair and pain there had also been excitement, a sense of wonder that somehow she was creating something real and tangible, not just words on a page. That she would have someone on her side, someone to really love, someone to love her unconditionally. Until that morning she had woken up writhing in pain and she’d known, long before the doctor had confirmed that the baby was no more.
She had never told anyone about her miscarriage until last week, until she found herself so unexpectedly confiding in Leo. Sebastian hadn’t asked what happened, and she had spent the next two years avoiding anywhere she might see him. Her father had been oblivious, Rosa too wrapped up in her own affairs, Sancia gone. No one noticed that Anna was slowly unravelling in a toxic mixture of guilt, self-loathing and heartbreak. Guilt thanks to that momentary glimmer of relief that the decision of whether or not to have the baby, to raise the baby, had been taken from her, that her life could continue on its foreordained path with no deviation. Self-loathing at her folly, at how easily she had been fooled, how easily she had fallen. Heartbreak that the man she loved didn’t exist. She’d skipped lectures and tutorials for Sebastian, handed essays in late and badly researched. She still couldn’t believe just how close she’d been to being ‘sent down’, expelled temporarily, or even expelled altogether. It had taken months to put herself back together, and to this day she knew that part of the girl she had been was still left back there in that damp Oxford winter.
It must be so different to be pregnant and to know that the baby was wanted by both parents, to celebrate every milestone, to have someone to sympathise with aching breasts, nausea, the extreme tiredness...
Hang on a second. Anna sat bolt upright, ice-cold fear flooding her. She was a week late. She was never late...
* * *
‘Anna, have you got a minute?’
A minute? She didn’t even have a second. She needed to get on a boat, get over to the mainland and drive to the nearest pharmacy straight away. ‘Not now.’
Rosa took no notice. ‘It’s Jude. Valentina has asked him to the wedding and he wants me to be his plus one. Will that be a problem, I can still oversee the seating charts and things, and you’ll be there with Leo anyway...’
What on earth was Rosa chattering on about? Anna pushed her hair out of her eyes. ‘Leo hasn’t mentioned me accompanying him to the wedding,’ she said slowly. ‘We’re not, I mean, it’s not serious.’ Oh, God, Leo...no, she couldn’t even think about Leo until she had taken the test and knew either way.
‘Oh, come on, I’ve seen the way he looks at you.’
‘It’s not serious,’ she repeated, Leo’s words echoing through her. He didn’t want anything permanent, had no interest in children. She would be on her own, just as she had been all those years ago.
‘If you say so. So you don’t mind? It turns out Jude knows Valentina quite well. He used to go out with one of the bridesmaids—the redhead who complained that the bed is too hard and that we haven’t provided the right range of herbal teas—and it ended, well, horrifically. Long story short, she was involved with the book, so it’s a pride thing to accept the invite and bring a date, I guess. But what with the way we left things, I think...’
Anna held up her hand to silence her sister and slowly counted to ten. ‘Rosa, fill me in later. I have to go over to the mainland and I hate sailing over in the dark. Yes, go to the wedding. It’s fine.’ At any other point she would have wanted to know why Jude had asked Rosa to be his plus one, why Rosa was acting as if they were old friends, not new acquaintances, what book had sent Jude into such a spin and why Jude looked so damn familiar, but right now she didn’t care. Let Valentina invite who she wanted to the wedding with just three days’ notice. They’d deal.
‘What’s so urgent?’ Rosa’s voice sharpened. ‘Are you okay? You’re very pale. Do you feel ill?’
‘Rosa, don’t fuss. I just have to do something.’
‘I really think you should wait till morning.’ Then, as Anna shook her head, ‘In that case I’m coming with you. I’ll drive the boat. The way you look you won’t be able to get it out of the harbour!’
Her first instinct was to refuse. She wasn’t one for company at the best of times and now, with fear running through her veins, all she wanted was dark, brooding solitude. It wasn’t as if she and Rosa were confidantes Anna knew more about some of her students’ hopes and dreams than she did about her sister’s. But somehow the decision was taken from her, Rosa not waiting for an answer, simply taking the boat key out of Anna’s hand and leading the way down to the jetty. Leo’s boat was clearly visible, the warning lights gleaming bright. At least he wasn’t on there, having been bid to dinner with his sister and bridesmaids; at least Anna wouldn’t have to pass him on her stealthy trip to the mainland.
Despite her desire for solitude Anna found herself surprisingly grateful for her sister’s company. Rosa seemed to sense that she didn’t want to talk and didn’t press her for details, concentrating instead on steering the dinghy over the short distance as speedily as possible. She pulled up alongside the jetty on the mainland with a smooth flourish. ‘Right, where next? Anna, I’m coming with you. Don’t argue.’
Anna opened her mouth to protest and then shut it again. What was the point? Right now, someone else taking charge was blissful. Pulling the key to Sancia’s ancient rusty small car from her pocket, she handed it to her sister, barely registering the moment Rosa’s hand closed over hers with a reassuring squeeze. ‘The town,’ she said, her throat sore with suppressed tears. ‘The pharmacy. There’s one on the retail park this side of town. It’s not far.’
The roads were deserted and it didn’t take long to clear the small village and head towards the town. Rosa drove with the same careless confidence that characterised her every move, accelerating around every bend like a racing driver, her foot pressing the accelerator right to the floor so the car was almost vibrating as it sped along. Normally Anna would tell Rosa to slow down, to insist she stop the car and let Anna take over, but this evening she was glad of the speed. The sooner she got her hands on that test, the better.
Think logically, she told herself. She was probably overreacting. Definitely overreacting. Just because she had only ever been late once before didn’t mean there wasn’t a perfectly reasonable explanation this time. Look at all the stress she had been under with her parents, Rosa, the wedding and her book. It made complete sense that her body would react in some way. It was only three weeks since she and Leo had sailed away to the mainland, three weeks since she had worn that little silk slip of a dress, three weeks since he had peeled it off her. It was far too soon for her to think she was pregnant. So what if, now she thought of it, her breasts were a little sore? So just the whiff of wine turned her stomach? There were one hundred explanations, none of which meant she was pregnant. And they had been careful, hadn’t they? Of course they had.
They’d been careful, she reassured herself.
She had promised herself that she wouldn’t make the same mistake twice, but Anna knew all too well that not every promise could be kept.
Bright, neon lights broke the darkness. They’d arrived. Rosa swung the car into a free space and killed the engine. ‘Do you want me to come in with you?’
‘No. Thanks.’ But now she was here Anna didn’t think she could move.
‘Anna, let me go.’ Rosa had never sounded so gentle, so understanding. ‘Do you need me to buy you a pregnancy test? Is that what’s happening here?’
She was frozen, unable to form any words, to nod, to do anything but stare straight ahead and wonder how on earth she had managed to get herself into this situation again, how she could have been so stupid again. Did she have some kind of self-destruct button? A bat signal audible only to unsuitable men, instructing them to impregnate her then walk away, leaving her in pieces.
‘Leo doesn’t want a family.’ That wasn’t what she had intended to say. ‘He’ll think I’ve betrayed him.’
‘Anna, honey, it takes two to make a baby. Leo’s a grown man. If you are pregnant, he’ll understand.’
‘No, he won’t. He told me from the start, no promises, no commitment. It’s bad enough I’ve fallen in love with him. How could I be so stupid as to get pregnant too? It’s like Sebastian all over again, only much, much worse. I only thought I loved Sebastian.’
‘You were pregnant back then? Why didn’t you tell me? Why do you never let anyone help, Anna?’ To Anna’s surprise Rosa sounded like she was close to tears. ‘You don’t have to do it all alone. You don’t have to be perfect. You can ask for help...’
‘Last time I needed your help you walked away.’
Rosa bit her lip. ‘Things were complicated then. I’m sorry. But I’m here now and I promise you, you’re not alone. Now let me go and get the test for you and then, if you are pregnant, we’ll figure out what to do. And if you’re not then you and I need to have a long, overdue talk. Deal?’
‘Deal.’ Anna squeezed her sister’s hand tightly then sat back and watched Rosa jog over to the store. When had her little sister got so wise? So strong? At least it looked as if Anna wasn’t alone. That was something. It had to be something. Right now it was all she had.
* * *
Leo had never been quite so grateful to leave his sister before. She’d been joined by her bridesmaids, all intent on turning their first night on the island into an impromptu hen party. A beautifully choreographed, much photographed hen party, but one he had rapidly realised was no place for a red-blooded Spanish male. Especially not a red-blooded Spanish male who wanted to keep his dignity intact.
Wandering along the track that led to the villa, he realised he had no idea where to find Anna. Usually he found her almost by instinct, drawn to her wherever she was, but tonight her whereabouts eluded him. She’d been happy enough, lying on the sundeck on the boat, and then she’d gone strangely quiet before disappearing on some mysterious errand. He hadn’t seen her since.
Her absence shouldn’t bother him. After all, their idyll was nearly at an end. In three days’ time Valentina would be married and his time on the island at an end. Time to sail on, to Nice or Monte Carlo, or maybe around the islands. Time to actually read some of the reports piling up in his inbox and move some money around. Time to resume his life.
The thought shouldn’t feel so hollow.
But it did.
Leo exhaled, willing the negative feelings back into the box where he usually kept all emotions. What was the alternative? Anna would be returning to Oxford, burying herself back in her library, searching for the story to set her alight, the kernel she could turn into another book. That was where she belonged, Dr Anna Gray in her buttoned-up shirt. So different from his Anna, a sheet wound round her naked body, hair tumbling over her shoulders.
He always got bored with relationships first, that was what he’d told her—and he had been telling her the truth. He’d fully expected to be ready to leave her without a single pang of regret—which just showed what an idiot he really was. Right now all he felt was regret; their time together didn’t seem finished.
But his biggest regret was knowing he would do nothing to prolong the relationship. Knowing that he would just let her walk away and not lift a finger to stop her. Knowing he was too scared to try for something real, too scared to let her in, too scared to feel.
He deserved regret.
The courtyard was just ahead, lit by hundreds of small lamps, and as Leo turned towards it he glimpsed a silhouetted figure leaning on the archway, her slim build as familiar as his own reflection. She turned as he neared. ‘Hey.’
‘Hey yourself.’ That leap of his heart, that lightening in his chest, they didn’t mean anything other than his libido springing into life. Keep telling yourself that, di Marquez. ‘You’ve been elusive this evening.’
‘I had an errand to run.’ Anna didn’t return his smile, her eyes solemn in the lamplight. ‘Leo, can we sit? I need to talk to you.’
‘Sure, do you want a drink?’
‘No, I’m not thirsty. Let’s go find somewhere quieter, less busy.’ She cast a quick look at the far table where her parents sat with Rosa and Jude, a board game set out on the table. Usually Leo would scoff at so cosy a scene, but tonight he was filled with a desire to walk over, pull up a chair and join in the teasing game, accuse Sancia of cheating with the rest of her family and challenge Professor Gray on every obscure academic word he insisted was within the rules.
It was a good thing their idyll was nearing its end. He was getting soft, weak, reverting to the needy boy he had once been.
Anna led the way through the trimmed-back greenery to the small beach at the furthest end of the island. There was no jetty here, no boats, no bar, the nearest bungalow a five-minute walk away. It had always been her favourite spot, she’d told him once, because it was quiet, facing out towards the sea, only the horizon in sight. It was so dark she had to use a torch to guide them there, but once they were on the beach the moon shone down and the tiny cove was illuminated by a thousand stars. Leo inhaled sharply, the beauty of the night cutting straight through the layers of cynicism, of irony, of humour with which he protected himself.
‘There’s no easy way of saying this.’ Anna didn’t make a move to sit down on the wooden loungers, invitingly laid out on the soft sand. Instead she stood on the very edge of the beach, her hands twisting together. The moon shone down, transforming her into a naiad of the night.
Foreboding stole into Leo, strong and knowing. Their idyll was over.
‘Anna, what’s wrong?’
She swallowed, but when she spoke her voice was clear. ‘I’m pregnant. I’m sorry, Leo, but it’s yours. I’m having your baby.’