Some people say New Yorkers aren’t the nicest strangers on the street. Always in a hurry with somewhere to go: yes, but that’s me too, so I actually find New York City energizing, albeit totally different from my hometown in Minnesota.
But after I became one of the prominent faces of the sexual harassment issue, I started seeing a different side of New Yorkers. Last summer and fall I spent a lot of time in the city, and I began to notice a pattern. As I walked the streets to and from the train station to meetings, people stopped me to let me know what they thought: “You go, Gretchen.” “Thank you for speaking up, Gretchen.” “You have balls, Gretchen,” and so on.
But here was the surprising part: the majority of those approaching me were men. Yes, women did stop me, but more were men. Many of them said, “Thank you for doing what you did for my daughters.” And that became a common theme. Many of them wanted to shake my hand when they said it—“for my daughters.”
Every single encounter was meaningful to me because each felt so incredibly personal. On almost every occasion I had to work hard to fight tears, but these men helped me realize what I had done was important not just for women, but for everyone—men included.
When I was growing up in a small town in Minnesota, I was lucky to have men in my life who unabashedly rooted for me, particularly my father and my maternal grandfather. Thanks to them, I never felt less capable or equal than my brothers or other boys. I was a tomboy who preferred playing football in the yard with my brothers to playing dolls, and no one ever told me I shouldn’t. And I gave as good as I got in those football skirmishes! I grew up expecting to stand side by side with my male counterparts, and when I became involved in issues of sexual harassment and abuse, I realized how important it was to bring men’s voices to the table.
As I’ve said, after I left my job, I heard from thousands of women, and their huge, supportive response was very meaningful to me. But do you know who else I heard from? Men. I call them enlightened men; men who defend women, men who care. Like the broadcast journalist Jake Tapper. I didn’t know Jake before this happened, but he reached out to me and thanked me, saying that his daughter would grow up in a better world because of what I did. It moved me to the core.
Many other men reached out as well. They wanted me to know that they supported me, that they were appalled by sexual harassment and assault, that they wanted to be part of the solution, not the problem. Their words, in texts and emails, from both friends and strangers, meant a lot to me and inspired me. Here are a few:
I am so happy that my daughter (and son!) know you. That is truly the highest compliment I can ever pay anyone. They will know henceforth that no matter your gender, or the height of your achievements, no woman should ever have to be made to feel less, or robbed of an opportunity, because of some misogynistic jackass who can’t read the Constitution.
It’s not very often that I write to someone I don’t know, and no, I don’t know you. But I felt I should try to connect and thank you. I have a family with three children. I have worked in a variety of companies over the last twenty years. And I see that very soon my oldest daughter will be off to university and eventually the workforce. There are many good behaviors I can role model for my children, but I as a parent have always struggled with how I was going to explain to her how to handle inappropriate behaviors in the workplace that I have witnessed. My son knows that I have high expectations for his behavior, and my oldest daughter as well, but I really had no role model. I do now. I can point my daughter to you and tell her, “You see what this woman did? It takes courage, but this is what you must do.”
I know I am a former soldier, but seeing you on YouTube shows the strength you have more than anything I have done… Always be strong and never back down to anything. You are such an inspiration to women across the world.
As a father of two daughters in the workplace, I often cite professionals like yourself as excellent role models and mentors. You have much to be proud of, enjoy your success, you deserve it.
It’s heartwarming to hear from men, because harassment is not just an issue for women. It’s a societal issue, and women alone are not going to solve it. We need men to be on board too. That means taking women seriously in hiring and promotions, treating them with dignity and making sure others do too, and a whole host of other actions and attitudes.
This point of view has been a long time coming because there is such a high social barrier for men in making women’s issues their own. The breakthroughs have come because men have stepped up and talked about their role in stopping harassment. In a TED Talk that went viral, with over three million views, Jackson Katz, an international thought leader and educator on gender equality, stated clearly, “I don’t see these as women’s issues that some good men help out with. In fact, I’m going to argue that these are men’s issues first and foremost.”
Katz says that calling them “women’s issues” gives men an excuse to not pay attention. “A lot of men hear the term ‘women’s issues,’ and we tend to tune it out. We think, ‘Hey, I’m a guy. That’s for the girls,’ or, ‘That’s for the women.’ A lot of men literally don’t get beyond the first sentence as a result. It’s almost like a chip in our brain is activated, and the neural pathways take our attention in a different direction when we hear the term ‘women’s issues.’” He has made it his mission to help men change that inner conversation.
A big part of this movement involves men believing that it is to their benefit to make the issue of sexual harassment their own. I was struck when reading a New York Times interview with Michael Kimmel, a sociologist and the executive director of the Center for the Study of Men and Masculinities at Stony Brook University. In the piece, he defined very succinctly the internal conflict men face when thinking about themselves. “If you were to ask men, Republican or Democrat or anywhere in between, what does it mean to be a good man, they’ll all tell you pretty much the same thing: honor, integrity, responsibility. But ask what it means to be a real man, and we’re talking about never showing your feelings, never being weak, playing through pain, winning at all costs, getting rich, getting laid.”
This conflict starts young, and by adulthood it becomes almost instinctual. In the worst-case scenarios, we see the “real man” ethos at political rallies and in male-dominated industries. I’ve certainly seen it in my Twitter feed! But the “real man” cannot exist without the “good man,” and it is the “good man” who will rise above limiting stereotypes and create change.
It helps when those male voices come from the highest office in the land. On June 14, 2016, President Obama opened the first United States of America Women’s Summit by telling the crowd of five thousand, “I may be a little grayer than I was eight years ago, but this is what a feminist looks like.” Then in August, on the occasion of his fifty-fifth birthday, he wrote an essay for Glamour magazine emphasizing how important it is for men to stand up for women. “Michelle and I have raised our daughters to speak up when they see a double standard or feel unfairly judged based on their gender or race—or when they notice that happening to someone else,” he wrote. “It’s important for them to see role models out in the world who climb to the highest levels of whatever field they choose. And yes, it’s important that their dad is a feminist, because now that’s what they expect from all men. It is absolutely men’s responsibility to fight sexism too. And as spouses and partners and boyfriends, we need to work hard and be deliberate about creating truly equal relationships.”
Jake Tapper credits his wife, Jennifer, with opening his eyes about women’s experiences. “Not that I was sexist,” he told me. “I had good women bosses, including Diane Sawyer, whom I respected, and I had promoted women. But my wife educated me about the day-to-day ways women aren’t treated fairly. I’ve been awakened.”
Jake vividly remembers his first date with Jennifer. When she learned that his middle name was Paul, she told him that one of her greatest heroines was Alice Paul, the suffragette. Fast forward, when their first child, a girl, was born, they named her Alice Paul Tapper. “She lives up to the name,” Jake said. Now with Alice Paul and his son, Jack, at home, he’s more serious than ever about being someone who “can set an example of what a twenty-first-century man behaves like.”
Jake, who is the chief political correspondent for CNN, the anchor of the daily news show The Lead, and the moderator of a Sunday show State of the Union, has been upfront when it comes to speaking up about outrages against women. “Don’t get me wrong,” he told me. “I wasn’t always a choirboy. I was in a fraternity at Dartmouth, and we all said stupid things. It’s not that I haven’t ever had a sexist thought. But I recognize those aren’t the good parts of me.”
In particular, Jake distinguished himself in the aftermath of Trump’s Access Hollywood tape. His interview on State of the Union with the former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani is a model for the way men can speak back to attempts to excuse bad behavior. In the interview, Jake reminded the mayor that Trump’s comments weren’t carelessly delivered by an eighteen-year-old, but were made by an older man. “It’s really offensive on just a basic human level,” he said. “Who did he do that to?”
“This is talk,” Giuliani said in defense of Trump. “Gosh almighty, he who hasn’t sinned throw the first stone here. I know some of these people dropping their support—”
Jake interrupted. “I will gladly tell you, Mr. Mayor, I have never said that. I have never done that. I’m happy to throw a stone. I don’t know any man, I’ve been in locker rooms, I’ve been a member of a fraternity, I have never heard any man ever brag about being able to maul women because they get away with it, never.”
In an effort to protect Trump, Giuliani appeared to be demeaning men, saying it is common for them to talk that way. Jake wasn’t having it. I imagine that most men watching this exchange, even if they supported Trump, did not see themselves in Giuliani’s depiction. This “boys will be boys, men will be men” excuse is, frankly, embarrassing. But the instinct to stick up for one of your own is a powerful silencer for men who would speak out. “It’s much easier to look away,” Jake told me. But he has made it a principle not to do that.
Over the years, he has developed a sensitivity to unfair and inappropriate behaviors, and is determined to “impact my little corner of the world.” He realizes that the stories that become public are just the tip of the iceberg. “For every one story we hear about, there are dozens if not hundreds [of women] that went along because they’re afraid for their jobs, living paycheck to paycheck,” he said. Why does it continue to be a problem? Jake has one theory. “For certain men, there is no group left they feel comfortable attacking except women. They’d never say anything anti-Semitic, racist, or bigoted. But all the rules go out the window when it comes to women.”
For the future, Jake believes, change will come only by raising an enlightened generation, and he focuses on his daughter and son. “Fathers who become feminists because they have daughters are wonderful,” he said. “But sons are important too. They need to understand that girls need to be treated with dignity.”
Another man who reached out to me was Paul Feig, the director, producer, and screenwriter who brought us such popular hits as Bridesmaids and the Ghostbusters remake. “A huge part of the equation is men helping to lead the way alongside women—enlightened men,” he told me. In some respects, this has been the story of Paul’s life. Growing up an only child, Paul was a sensitive kid who felt uncomfortable around the typical boys’ groups, which felt off-putting and somewhat bullying. (His acclaimed show Freaks and Geeks was in large part based on his own experiences.) He felt more comfortable around a “nerdy” crowd, particularly in drama club, where there were a lot of girls. His female drama teacher was, he says, the biggest influence in his young life. He believes that being friends with girls and then women—not “just dwelling in a male world”—gives him perspective.
Paul fights for equality in the movie industry. He looks back fondly on the great films of the thirties and forties, when men and women were portrayed as equals and intellectual sparring partners—think Tracy and Hepburn. But he believes that the introduction of the blockbuster mentality in moviemaking changed all that. Blockbusters are basically made for fifteen-year-old boys; they project a “dude mentality.”
This being the norm, Paul stands out as someone who pushes different narratives. His work has been characterized as norm-bending and gender-bending. When he first started telling people that he was making Bridesmaids, they were dismissive. “It was unheard-of for a movie to star six women.” It became a huge hit. But Feig sparked real controversy with his remake of Ghostbusters with female leads. He described to me the ferocious assault that went on for two years. Many men were outraged, as if he were ruining Ghostbusters. “The dam burst,” he said. “My Twitter feed became an ugly place, with a deluge of blatant misogyny. These were not true fans of Ghostbusters, but just guys who were mad to see women in those roles. It showed me we’re more behind than I thought.” More positively, though, Paul cites the tremendous outpouring of messages he has received from women and girls who have been thrilled with the movie. All of this is very important. “The way movies, comedies, portray women affects the culture, and bleeds over into workplace settings,” he said.
Paul has thought deeply about the reasons male culture (he, too, pointed to the Access Hollywood tape) is still so mired in sexist language and behaviors. “A lot of verbal sexual harassment is guys who think they’re being funny,” he said. “‘Just joking around.’ And when they’re challenged, they’ll accuse you of being ‘politically correct.’ Like that’s a bad thing. Political correctness exists for one reason: to not hurt people’s feelings.”
Paul believes there are two separate cultural tracks, both of which lead to sexual harassment. “One is, ‘Let’s all have fun and say anything we want.’ The second is, ‘I’m going to take advantage of my power.’” He calls it the Morons and Monsters theory. The Morons are the guys who don’t know that they’re being offensive and harassing, and the Monsters are the ones who demean women for power. He believes the first one is harder to change because it requires people to stop, think, and resolve to be different. As severe as abuse of power is, altering the common mentality—often portrayed as lighthearted and joking around—is more important to creating a cultural difference.
On a personal note, I want to thank Paul for the kind words he said about me when I asked him to introduce me at the Matrix Awards in New York City in 2017. Paul called me, as one of the honorees, “the bravest woman I know,” going on to say, “And I know a lot of brave women.” My eyes welled with tears—and this was before I had to speak! It had been an emotional year. I was so grateful to be recognized and respected in such an incredibly meaningful way. It’s something I will never forget.
I feel it is especially important for younger men to be on the forefront of changing sexual harassment in society. That is why I was so impressed to read a piece by Yashar Ali, a writer, politico, and commentator who often takes on issues of bias. A few years ago, Yashar wrote a piece called “A Message to Women from a Man: You Are Not ‘Crazy,’” which is still a viral post today. It opens:
You’re so sensitive. You’re so emotional. You’re defensive. You’re overreacting. Calm down. Relax. Stop freaking out! You’re crazy! I was just joking, don’t you have a sense of humor? You’re so dramatic. Just get over it already!
Sound familiar?
If you’re a woman, it probably does.
The impetus for writing this piece (which was followed by others) was hearing from women about the ways their experiences had been sidelined—what Yashar calls a form of gaslighting, where you are manipulated into thinking your reactions are crazy. “I wanted to rebrand the word ‘gaslighting’ to make it useful for people now,” Yashar told me. “When I wrote it, I knew it was going to be a big deal. I put it in a drawer for three months before I posted it, and within an hour of posting, 140,000 people had read it. It’s still read by a half a million people a week.”
Yashar realizes that a big part of the reason his piece had such a dramatic impact was because it was written by a man. He’s on a mission, unafraid of repercussions, and he always defends women against sexism on Twitter—which is how I came to be aware of him.
I was curious about how this young man, who is Iranian American, came to be such a strong advocate for women. “It has to do with growing up in a family in which we were never told women were less than equal,” he said. “My mother was a very confident person, the director of public health at the University of Illinois.” Yashar also said that he and his sister were taught to trust their instincts. “My parents never gave me flack for my beliefs.”
“Sexism is sexism,” he told me. “It’s like the Zika virus. Once it was only affecting six babies in Brazil. Now it’s in Miami and Hawaii. If we don’t stop it, it will spread. And the fear men have of speaking up for women is outsized. I have never lost a friend or a colleague because I’ve spoken out.”
Yashar’s solution to make sexual harassment go away in companies is simple and direct: “Publicly apologize, and get rid of the offenders. To deal with sexism, be swift, harsh, and without any reservation. Send a message: ‘We don’t tolerate it.’”
There is no question that men who model attitudes of respect and equality for women were often raised with strong role models themselves, which underscores the important role we can play with our own children. The political consultant, author, and commentator Matthew Dowd grew up in a Detroit Irish Catholic family, with six brothers, four sisters, and a “strong mom” who was summa cum laude at the University of Detroit and a schoolteacher before she started having children. “The lessons she taught, I carry with me to this day,” Matthew told me. “Particularly this one: ‘No one is better than you, but you’re no better than anyone else.’ It was ingrained in us that we treat each other with respect, and that informed how we treated everybody else.”
Matthew emphasizes that fathers have a vital role to play in patterning behavior. “By our behavior, we show our daughters how they should be treated. When men don’t pattern respect, girls grow up to settle for bad behavior.
Part of that modeling involves being the one to stand up when you witness sexist or demeaning behavior. “I’ve watched situations change instantly when someone stands up, because people always follow the leader,” Matthew said. “We don’t have to give up and say things are impossible to change. Civilization does change, and we can be part of it.” That change, Matthew believes, in part involves men breaking out of the box of what defines their manhood. “In our culture, we’re presented with a false choice—either be a guy’s guy, or treat women with respect. It’s as if you have to pick one or the other; that you can’t be a strong man and treat women with respect.”
Once again, patterning behavior is the key. “My daughter has seen me cry,” Matthew said. “At the same time, if someone did something untoward, her dad would be the first to push back.” Patterning is also important for sons. “My oldest son, Daniel, has an incredibly big heart and is the most sensitive person you’ll meet in your life. He also served two tours of duty in Iraq, where he carried an M16 rifle.”
Larry Wilmore stands out for me as a man who unapologetically supports equality and respect for women, using comedy to bring the point home. His Comedy Central program, The Nightly Show, which, sadly, was canceled in 2016, was a rare oasis in the late-night arena, where he actually talked about issues that affected women.
Larry was relentless in covering the rape allegations against Bill Cosby. “People worshiped him,” Larry told me, which complicated calling him out. “But these allegations had been going on for many years. I was astounded by how many women made accusations and were not heard. How can you not be moved by how many people were not moved by their stories? When we protect powerful men, we make women invisible.”
On one segment, Larry set out to define rape for Cosby. He explained that a rapist is a person who “commits an unlawful sexual act with or without force on another person without their consent, and [being] physically or mentally incapacitated, whether by alcohol, drugs, or being asleep, is unable to consent.”
He went on. “By denying their victims their sexual agency, a rapist increases their own deluded sense of self-worth, which is why a rapist can tell someone else to pull up their pants even though he himself never did”—referencing Cosby’s frequent criticism of young black men and the way they dress.
When we spoke, Larry pointed to growing up with a single mother as his initiation into “a world I did not understand.” He said, “I witnessed how hard it was for her.” Later, when she told him she had been abused as a child, he was forced to process the reality that exists for many women, and he struggled to understand it. Invited to a Vagina Monologues “night for men,” he was in the audience when the question was asked, “How many people know someone who has been sexually abused or have been abused themselves?” He looked around and saw that almost everybody was raising their hands. “I almost started crying,” he said. “Because in the world, nobody raises their hands.”
Experiences like this influenced his late-night program. “I used The Nightly Show as a platform to force people to take a stand,” he said. “I never saw sexual assault and harassment as a partisan or black and white issue. It’s one hundred percent a human issue. I have a daughter, but even if I didn’t have a daughter, I’m a human being and shouldn’t be silent.”
The Access Hollywood tape highlighted the underlying intentions that women experience but can’t fully identify or prove. The exchange between Trump and Billy Bush was itself ugly, but Larry was particularly struck by how the two men treated the woman they had been discussing afterward. “It was revelatory,” he said, characterizing all the women “who don’t have enough evidence, but know something is not right. They can’t even verbalize what’s going on, but they can feel it. As a writer, I see people’s intentions.” He sees the way harassers won’t say enough to get them in trouble, but they make their intentions clear. “That’s why so many cases of sexual harassment go unreported.”
As for women in the workplace and the role men can play, “It’s a listening issue. Women are not listened to. We have to teach young men to respect women. Don’t say, ‘We have to teach young women to respect men.’ There’s no equivalency. The issue here is how men treat women. That’s what has to change.”
Another prowoman comedian is Pete Dominick, who was once a regular guest on my show, where I had a Friday “Man-el.” What I loved about Pete was that he had a way of representing a male point of view without “mansplaining.” He was also razor sharp and funny, a stand-up comedian with a social conscience. These days, Pete hosts a daily three-hour show called Stand Up! with Pete Dominick on Sirius Radio. Recently, the tables were turned, and I was on his show one morning.
Pete really tries to understand gender issues from a male perspective, and he’s a big proponent of women’s rights. Every day on the air, he speaks about his two daughters and how he’s dedicated to raising them as independent, confident, powerful women in a world where they can pursue their dreams fully.
Sexual harassment and assault, he says, “is a disease that comes from the past and lives in the present. It will only really change when men understand (A) what women are dealing with; and (B) decide the standard you walk past is the standard you accept. If I allow that behavior, I’m condoning that behavior. I’m part of the problem.”
Getting on board means recognizing that the problem really exists. On the air, Pete shared his experience. “When I talk to women about this issue, about sexual assault, about rape, it seems like too often—I want to be careful I don’t use absolutes—but far too often women you get close enough to to have that conversation with will tell you, ‘Oh yeah, I’ve been raped. Yes, I’ve been sexually assaulted.’ This is an issue that women understand, unfortunately, far too intimately, that men don’t believe, don’t want to believe happens as much as it does.”
Later, I sat down with Pete to talk more about why he is so impassioned by the issue, and what he and other men can do. “Every day on the radio I interview smart women about important issues,” he said. “If I had any thought that women are fragile, the anecdotal evidence of brilliance—including my wife—shows otherwise.” Pete always speaks out if someone is being disrespectful or inappropriate around women or about them. “I don’t tolerate certain behaviors and language,” he said. “It doesn’t always win me friends, and I don’t care.… Men are having a difficult time knowing what they can and can’t say,” he added. “I say, ‘It’s about time you learn how to talk to people.’ It was never OK with women before, and now they’re speaking up and changing things. If men don’t know how to behave, they should learn how to behave. I don’t want people treating my daughters that way.”
But just as important as speaking out, is taking action. “It’s one thing to say the right things—we also have to advocate for women in the workplace and defend their interests,” he said. He does this in his own workplace and in volunteer efforts. “I’m paying it forward for my daughters.”
W. Brad Johnson, PhD, and David Smith, PhD, first came to my attention through their book, Athena Rising: How and Why Men Should Mentor Women. They bring an interesting perspective. Both are naval officers, psychologists, and professors at the US Naval Academy. And both are committed to bringing women to a place of equal standing. Realizing that women’s advancement and equality issues are usually advocated for by other women, they call on men to be “that guy”—the one who stands up for the women in their midst.
They call their book “a call to arms,” writing, “For too long, most of us have been a part of the problem… we’re all silent beneficiaries—or whistling bystanders—in a world that persists in keeping women on the sidelines, excluded from key leadership roles, and earning less pay for equal work.”
Brad and David shared some of their thoughts with me about the task they have set for themselves—not just in the world of the navy, but also in the larger culture. “The nature of work is gendered as masculine,” David said. And in the military, he said, this is dramatically evidenced by the legal structure of career paths that have been designed since World War II around a particular type of person: a man with a wife at home. Policies and practices are created to fit that person. The upshot is that women in the military are penalized for having children. It’s designated as a women’s issue, but it’s really a family issue.
“It’s personal for me,” Brad said. “My son and daughter-in-law are both lieutenants in the navy; they’re pilots. And they’re getting to the point of discussing having a family. One of them will have to step away. More often it’s the woman. We have a lot of work to do to level the playing field. Meanwhile, we give the message to women, ‘We want you here,’ but we don’t think of how we’re pushing them out the door.”
When the story broke in April 2017 about a Facebook group, Marines United, sending out nude photos of servicewomen, Brad and David were disappointed that so much of the public focus was on the generals. “What about all the other guys?” they ask. “The bystanders who are aware of it and say nothing?” Focusing only on the leaders ignores a more pervasive problem: the everyday guys who don’t have the moral courage to stand up when they witness bad behaviors.
The two men have created a unique program at the naval academy called Sexual Harassment and Assault Prevention and Education. It’s a peer-education program run by students, who spend eighty hours training and then work with classes across four years. The sessions are wide ranging, but a lot of the focus is on helping the students become more thoughtful and purposeful. “We talk about everyday language,” David said, “and how we can create a sense of privilege versus those who are ‘less than’ just by the words we use. When you walk into a mixed gender room, and say, ‘Hi, guys,’ you’re using a masculine term that signals preference, in the same way that when you address a group of females as ‘girls,’ you are signaling that they are lesser. It might seem like no big deal, but language makes a difference in the culture.”
We cannot address the role of men without talking about the culture of sports. I’ve been a big sports fan since I was a child. One of the greatest thrills of my young life was meeting Fran Tarkenton, the famous Vikings quarterback, and getting his autograph. I’m married to a sports agent. Both my son and my daughter play sports. Having said that, there is no question that the sports culture can be a breeding ground for negative male behaviors. Increasingly, though, it can also be the place where a change of culture is most promising. Kathleen Neville, a leader in the movement against sexual harassment who has written two books on the subject, including one detailing her own experience, has been working with the NFL since 2010 and wrote the first sexual harassment policy for the league. Her ally in this cause is Troy Vincent, the former great cornerback for the Miami Dolphins, Philadelphia Eagles, Buffalo Bills, and Washington Redskins, who is now the executive vice president of the NFL’s football operations.
Vincent is dedicated to changing a sports culture that has defined masculinity in ways that give permission to abusers and harassers. Under his leadership, not only has the NFL strengthened its code of conduct, but it has also instituted training in personal conduct and domestic violence awareness, and has formed alliances with organizations that fight sexual assault. Vincent is also active in A Call to Men, an organization that promotes healthy models of manhood, in sports and in life. (Gloria Steinem was a keynote speaker at the group’s 2017 conference.)
Vincent believes that men have to play a role, or else the problem of violence against women is not going to go away. He stated this plainly in a March 2017 op-ed piece about domestic violence during No More Week, part of a campaign to end domestic violence and sexual assault, writing powerfully, “It’s no secret that more needs to be done to change the culture of violence so often perpetuated by men in our society. We are taking steps towards this at the NFL, and are continually striving to do more to prioritize these issues—as every corporation, campus, community and family should. Nobody is an innocent bystander. We all play a role. As men, we must speak up and say, domestic violence will not happen in my home, in my neighborhood, on my campus, on my team, in my workplace or in my circle of family and friends.”
Vincent challenges men to take tangible steps to make this change happen, including being allies for women; modeling healthy, respectful manhood for young men; refusing to laugh at jokes that disparage women; and having the courage to confront men who are disrespectful or abusive.
He often takes this message on the road. Neville described a recent event at which Vincent gave a presentation to student athletes, calling on the men to lead. “It was so powerful,” she said. “You could have heard a pin drop. These big, huge players were crying during his presentation.”
Some men have stood up for women in the workplace and paid the price themselves. In many cases, they’ve faced the same retaliation as the women victims.
John Shouldis’s New Jersey case was a classic of courage. Shouldis was a police officer in Teaneck, New Jersey, who stood up for Teaneck’s first female officer, who had filed a sexual harassment claim. He agreed to give a deposition and testify on her behalf, and as a result was subjected to severe retaliation. After he supported his female colleague, Shouldis was repeatedly denied a promotion, deprived of overtime, surveilled as he signed in and out each day, frozen out by other officers, and threatened with expulsion from the PBA local. He was shunned and ostracized on a daily basis. Ultimately, he was reassigned to a patrol car on a midnight shift, and relieved of his other responsibilities.
Finally, it became too much for him. He suffered a nervous breakdown and took a leave. But when he returned, the harassment picked up where it had left off. He decided he had no other option but to sue. It was a traumatizing process, and a full decade would pass before Shouldis finally received justice from a jury—a $4.1 million award for the retaliation he had endured. But despite the victory, there is no question that the experience destroyed his life, made him ill, and ended his career—all because he did the right thing and told the truth on behalf of a female colleague.
It takes courage to be the one to stand up when others are running for cover. I was impressed by the story of another man who told me about the experience that changed his life forever.
“A lot of us want the workplace to be fair and good,” Mark, a former media executive and now an entrepreneur, told me. “When it isn’t, we all suffer.”
Mark, a graduate of a top Ivy League school, was on a career upswing when he took a challenging job with an international company. His job was to lead a small innovation team on the cutting edge of technology. He was excited by the challenge. One of his team members was Sharon, a very well qualified young woman, a business school graduate with good credentials.
The week Mark joined the company, his boss, Jeff, called him in and ordered, “I want Sharon off the team.”
Mark was surprised. “Why?” he asked. He didn’t see a reason, and Jeff was unable to specify. “If something is not working, let’s figure it out,” Mark responded.
“Your job is not to figure it out,” Jeff said. “Your job is to get her out of here.”
Mark left Jeff’s office, not overly alarmed. “I thought, ‘I’ll figure it out,’” he said. Things calmed down after that, and Mark figured that maybe Jeff had just been having a bad day. Everyone on the team, including Sharon, was working extremely hard, sometimes putting in sixty-to eighty-hour weeks.
But about a month later, Jeff went after Sharon again. Mark asked him to back off. Jeff just glowered at him.
The frustrating thing was, there was nothing about Sharon’s performance that could explain Jeff’s attitude. Mark thought he just didn’t like her style. She was hardworking but reserved, and Jeff clearly favored a culture in which people were bold and in your face. Mark had heard other stories about Jeff’s behavior toward women in the department. One had left right before Mark came. “She was pushed to the couch,” he said, referring to her need to see a psychiatrist to deal with the hostile work environment. She finally decided it wasn’t worth it to stay, and she quit. “The workplace hostility was extreme,” Mark said. “The message was, If you’re going to survive, you have to be as tough as Jeff is.”
This is an example of the way harassment doesn’t necessarily need to involve sex to be sexual (i.e., gender oriented).
New to the company and its culture, Mark tried hard to balance these competing realities. He was a classic problem solver, a well-trained business executive, and a principled leader, a believer in creating workplace environments that allowed people to thrive. But he was having a hard time making it happen, and the crux of the matter was the hostility his boss directed at this particular woman, a good worker who didn’t deserve it.
One day Sharon came into Mark’s office. “I’ve got to talk to you,” she said. He invited her in and told her to shut the door. Sharon collapsed into a chair and immediately started crying. “It’s so tough working for Jeff,” she sobbed. “It’s gotten really bad.” As Mark tried to calm her down, she dropped a bombshell. She told him she had a medical problem, but was afraid to leave her office for necessary trips to the ladies’ room—a situation that affected her health.
By this point, alarm bells were ringing in Mark’s head. This was no longer just an uncomfortable workplace dispute. It was a matter of health and safety. As Sharon’s supervisor, he knew he had to speak up.
Reluctantly, he went to see the head of HR, who had been his contact when he was recruited to the job. He told her the story and asked, “What can we do to protect Sharon, and protect the company as well?” She assured him that she’d take care of it.
The next day, he was called to Jeff’s office. He walked in and found his boss, his feet up on the desk and a scowl on his face. He accused Mark of taking sides against him. Mark tried to reason with Jeff and explain himself, but he wasn’t listening. By the end of the meeting, Mark saw that he had now become the enemy in his boss’s eyes.
In the coming months, Jeff made it clear that he no longer wanted anything to do with Mark. He even said to Mark, “We don’t want you here.” Mark deliberated long and hard about what to do. “I really felt alone,” he said. “No one at the company was on my side.” He finally decided to cut his losses and move on. Sharon remained behind, but she soon left the company.
It was a traumatic experience, and he sought coaching to make sense of the experience, learn from it, and move on. In time, he found work that was equally challenging and far more rewarding. “For the modern workplace,” he said, “the bravado of the old world is obsolete. How we relate to and treat each other at work is important.” Fortunately, he is able to foster a positive and supportive culture where he now works, within an environment where all employees are well respected. But he is troubled by the lingering consequences of the hostile environment too often present in many large corporations.
As Mark discovered, being a “real man” didn’t mean being a tough guy or a brute. So what does it mean? I had an interesting conversation with Bob Thurman, a worldwide authority on religion and spirituality, Buddhist science, and His Holiness the Dalai Lama. He put this issue of masculinity in perspective, coining the phrase “cool fierceness” for me. That is, to be fierce doesn’t have to mean being angry. “The fuel of rage is frustration where anger takes over, and that’s ineffective,” he said. And the image of the “angry woman” is counterproductive. “Women,” he said, “are socialized to be polite, and the frustration builds until they feel as if they’re going to blow their tops.” But “cool fierceness” means being strategic, knowing how to advocate for yourself along the way, before you get angry. “It’s preemptive ferocity and forcefulness,” he told me. “Being fierce means being cool like a martial artist, not reactive when out of control.”
Jeffery Tobias Halter, previously mentioned, identified what he calls the “man code,” which contributes to the unequal treatment of women. He told me, “This code is embedded in male cultural norms, which become default corporate norms.” Halter says one of the precepts of the code is to avoid all things feminine. “Even talking about women’s issues and advancement can be considered feminizing. Men are told to be strong, show no emotion, to ‘man up.’ The mandate to avoid all things feminine also puts women in a double bind of always appearing either too soft or too hard.”
Another tenet of the man code, Halter says, is to be a man’s man. “That means keeping the company of other men and primarily engaging in male activities: sports and sports talk, drinks after work, and other activities that exclude women. There’s nothing inherently wrong with men hanging out together, but when women are consistently shut out of bonding experiences, it reinforces the male culture of the workplace.”
Halter believes there is an underlying mandate for men to enforce the man code, which means turning a blind eye to bad behavior. With regard to sexual harassment, Halter says many men get stuck thinking that if they stand up for women who are harassed, they may be breaking the man code.
The solution? “Men need to take an active role and challenge the man code,” Halter says. He believes men can do that by creating a new code that enhances everyone’s well-being and success in the workplace.
I’ve often said, “We need men in this fight.” The responsibility of fixing sexual harassment in the workplace, or pay inequity, or women being blocked from advancement, shouldn’t be only on the shoulders of women. As long as so few women sit atop Fortune 500 companies as CEOs, or in positions of power in so many other companies, we need enlightened men to help us lead the charge.