October 2004
Kelly
Kiana, my next-door neighbour, and I were walking back to our residence after a late breakfast. It was the Saturday of the Thanksgiving weekend, and our residence had emptied out. Everyone within driving distance of home had fled Montreal, and the building felt strangely forlorn.
“I feel like a loser since I have nowhere to go for Thanksgiving,” Kiana complained. But she wasn’t a loser at all; she had turned down multiple invitations because she was trying to get a big assignment completed. “It’s not like I could have gone home to Winnipeg anyway. My parents are in Istanbul right now.”
“No way I could afford to go home to Vancouver.” I missed my family and friends a ton, but the airfare alone would have been over $600. Besides, I had games on Sunday and Monday.
“Ahmed told me that the foreign students are doing a Thanksgiving dinner, with turkey and everything, on Monday. Did you want to go to that?”
“Actually we’re doing a team potluck after our game. Since we’re all here anyway, one of the assistant coaches offered to host. I’m supposed to bring a dessert. What should I get?” No way I was cooking, but dessert was easy; I’d zip over to Provigo and buy something.
“Pumpkin pie, of course,” Kiana said. But I figured someone else would do pie, maybe even bake one. I liked chocolate desserts better.
When we got up to our floor, we could see a tall guy hanging out at the end of the hallway.
“Who is that?” Kiana wondered, squinting. “Oh boy, is that Carl? I thought he went back to Ottawa.” Carl was the “hot guy” on our floor. Kiana, as well as half the girls here, had a crush on him. Possibly she saw this as her big chance to be alone with Carl and work her charms.
“I thought everyone else left,” I said. It felt empty enough. As we got closer, the guy turned at the sound of our voices.
“Not Carl,” Kiana whispered to me. “But something even better. Who is that hottie?”
I sighed. “It’s my ex-boyfriend. But what the hell he’s doing here, I do not know.”
Phil
I always knew that Kelly was stubborn, but I had never had the full force of her will turned on me before. Ever since she left Vancouver, she had been ridiculously determined not to communicate with me. She wouldn’t talk to me on the phone, she wouldn’t answer my emails, and she didn’t even acknowledge the snail mail I sent her. So I decided I had to visit her at the first opportunity, which was the Thanksgiving long weekend. I double-checked to make sure her hockey team wasn’t on a road trip and booked my flight from Calgary. Now after catching the WestJet red-eye, here I was.
When I saw Kelly coming down the hallway, I couldn’t believe how happy I felt. Seeing her familiar walk made me realize how damn much I missed her. I wanted to run up and wrap my arms around her, but I could tell from her scowl that wasn’t happening.
“What are you doing here?” Not the reception I’d been hoping for, but I couldn’t get a full read on her yet.
“I came to talk to you.”
“Well, you wasted a plane ticket. I have no intention of talking to you. Not now, not ever. What does it take to get that simple message through your bull-shitting head?”
Okay, I was getting a read now, and it wasn’t too positive. Clearly, the element of surprise wasn’t working for me.
The girl with Kelly was staring in wide-eyed shock. “Um, Kelly… I’ll just get by you two and go to my room.” She slithered between us, hurriedly unlocked her door, and disappeared.
I didn’t know what to do next. I figured whatever I suggested, she would say no. So I decided to jump right into the apologies.
“Kelly, I really want to explain to you about that last day. You misunderstood everything I was saying, and I’m so sorry about that.”
“Davidson, what part of ‘I don’t want to talk to you’ are you not getting?” She brushed by me and unlocked her door. She tried to slip inside, but I hadn’t come all this way for nothing. I grabbed the closing door and followed her inside. It was a plain room with a single bed, a desk, a wardrobe, and white cement block walls. Kelly had decorated with McGill hockey paraphernalia and photos on her bulletin board. I recognized April, Karen, Charmaine, and even our old hockey team. At least she hadn’t cut out my face, but it was where she had put the pushpin.
Kelly let out an exasperated breath. “I can see that some things haven’t changed at all. Okay, asshole, why should I be surprised that you have no respect for my wishes or my personal space?”
“Kelly, please. Can’t we just talk about what’s going on between us?”
“God, Phil, nothing is going on between us. And you know what? I’m good with that.”
She hung up her coat, and I sat down on her bed.
Kelly frowned and sat down at the desk, turning the chair to face me. “There’s no getting rid of you, is there? Okay, you want to talk. Talk.” She crossed her arms and waited.
“Are you even going to listen?” I wondered.
“Who knows?”
I had never heard Kelly be this cold in all the time I’d known her. When Kelly got mad she was fiery, until her anger burnt out and she was normal again. She wasn’t all about resentment and grudges.
I sighed. “Kelly, it took five hours for me to fly here. Maybe you can cut me some slack.”
“Your choice. If you asked me, I could have told you to stay home.”
“How can I ask you anything if you won’t talk to me?”
She twisted up her lips at that. “Yeah, I guess.” At least she hadn’t lost her sense of fair play. “Well, you’re here, Phil. Let’s get this over with.”
Despite this crap beginning, it was show time. So many times I had rehearsed the words, and now I was blanking. “Okay, uh, first off, how’s it going with the hockey team?”
“What? We’re not here to make polite conversation.”
“Kelly, really. I want to know how you’re enjoying the McGill hockey team.”
She shrugged. “It’s good. I like the coach. I like the team. The season’s just starting but including the preseason, we’re playing around .500 hockey. Lots of new players this year, but once we adjust to Coach Mike’s systems and each other, we’ll get better.”
She paused and glanced at me. I smiled faintly at her and waited since I knew this was her favourite topic. She continued. “I’m playing on the fourth line, but I get time on the second unit PK. My game’s improving, although not as fast as I’d like. Does that answer your question?”
“Yeah. So you really like it, right?”
“I like it. But I don’t see what that has to do with anything.”
“Do you think you’d be as happy with the hockey program at U.B.C.? Including the preseason, they’re one and five, by the way.”
Kelly pondered that. “No, of course I’m happier with the Martlets.” She made a face at me. “I can guess what you’re going to say next.”
“Oh yeah? Well, I’ll say it anyway. That’s all I wanted for you, Kelly. I know how much hockey means to you, and I thought it was your chance. To go to a good program and to win games, and maybe even turn some heads at Hockey Canada.”
She shook her head. “Now that I’m in the big pond, I can see what a small fish I am. I’m never making Team Canada.” She didn’t look that choked about it though.
I didn’t say anything else right away. I could tell that Kelly was thinking about what I’d said. It gave me a chance to really look at her, she looked as beautiful as ever, but there were little changes since I’d last seen her. Her hair was longer, and she was wearing a new scarf, but her expression was the biggest change. Her face looked guarded instead of open. Or maybe that was only with me. I stared at her mouth—her lips full and flushed with colour—and I longed to kiss her again.
“But why Calgary, Phil? I mean, why not just convince me to go to McGill? You certainly have a way with words.”
“Yeah, but you’re pretty strong-willed. Everything that’s happened since then is proof of that. I was sure that you wouldn’t listen to me, that you’d stay anyway. And I was also sure that you’d regret it and maybe… regret us.”
“So, it was better to break up with me? You’re not making sense.”
“I told you that I had this idea—maybe it was stupid—that we’d break up at the end of the summer and then get back together. I felt we already had a good plan going and I didn’t want to change everything.”
She got up and walked around the room. That was so Kelly too, hating to sit still. She looked out the window. “Life doesn’t always work out the way you plan it, Davidson.”
“Kelly, it’s only been a couple of months. One day, one stupid incident—how can that change everything?” I took a deep breath, every word was so important. “When you look at it logically, your anger and your reaction show how much you do care—how much we both care about each other.”
She paced again, stopping to fiddle with some papers on her desk. Her voice was flat as she answered. “It wasn’t such a big deal to me. You didn’t hurt me that much.”
“Really? Then why the cold shoulder all this time?”
“We broke up. I thought it would be easier if we didn’t talk anymore.” She kept her back to me, but I could see her face in the mirror. When she wasn’t shielding her emotions I could see the pain so clearly, etched like a deep line across her face. What kind of stupid idiot hurts the one person he loves most of all? I couldn’t hold back any longer; I jumped up and put my arms around her.
“I’m so sorry, Kel. I never in a million years wanted to hurt you. You get that, right? How much I’ve tried to protect you, my whole life.” I pulled her body into mine, but she was stiff and tense. Holding her again was making me feel everything I’d always felt for her: love and desire. “Please forgive me. Make things okay again.”
I could feel the conflict in her, her body was rigid and yet she stayed. Then she made up her mind. She broke the circle of my arms, and moved as far away as possible, melting against the far wall.
“It’s not that easy. You can’t just waltz in here, say ‘sorry’ and have everything be like it was.”
“I know that. But if you won’t be honest and even admit how you’re feeling.”
“Me, be honest? What about you, Phil?”
“What are you talking about? I meant every single word I’ve said today.”
“Yeah, right. You make it sound like it’s all about me, like you were making the big sacrifice so dumb old Kelly would do what was right for her. What about you?”
“What about me?”
She scowled, and her voice was harsh. “The truth was that you wanted to go out with other girls, that’s why you wanted us to break up. In your perfect world, you could go to U.B.C. and screw every cute girl you met. Meanwhile in Montreal, I would stay in every night, think about what a great guy you were and dream of the day we’d get back together.”
“Aww, Kelly, it wasn’t like that. I never expected you not to go out. You’re free to do what you want.”
“But I said I wasn’t going to date anyone. You were pretty happy about that.”
“It’s not like I asked you not to date. You offered.”
“No, but you’re always jealous. Even when girls like Ada were throwing themselves at you, I never acted the way you did when another guy spoke to me. You’re not fair.”
“This sounds like something you’ve thought about a lot.” Kelly had never called me on this shit before.
“Well, I stopped taking you at face value and figured out for myself what you were about.”
She was right. My first reaction was that Kelly needed to go to McGill. But who knew how much of that was me wanting my own freedom. “Kelly, I’m so sorry. I know the way I handled things was wrong. And you’re right, I did want to party at school.”
Was it a case of having your cake and eating it too? I felt like we were too young to get tied down. I did want to be with Kelly—eventually—but being together exclusively all the years until then was scary. But what had turned out to be scarier was the prospect of never having Kelly in my life.
“I’m glad to hear you admit it anyway. You panicked, as usual. Don’t forget, I’ve seen the whole deal a million times before. I thought we were different, that’s all.”
“We are different. I still think that maybe we could be together someday, you know—in the future.”
“You know what—stop! Just fucking stop.” She turned to face me, and every word was distinct and emphatic. “You’re a control freak who wants to manage every moment of our relationship: when we start dating, what we do, and most of all, when we break up. I’ve had enough of you.”
It hurt so much to hear Kelly say this. A brief memory flashed of the two of us at the grad dance. Back then her whole face lit up when she saw me, and now all she wanted was to get rid of me. If this was how shitty she felt in August, I was even more of an idiot then I realized. I was all out of words, so I only said, “I tried to do what I thought was the best thing for both of us. But you’re right.”
It was hard to explain why I did what I did. I liked to be able to anticipate things and not to get blindsided by life. As a kid my life was pretty scheduled, and maybe I had come to depend too much on that. It would be great to be more in the moment, like Kelly. Maybe this was my chance. I threw aside everything I had planned to say and just spoke from my heart.
“Kelly, having you mad at me has been brutal. I’m sorry that I tried to manipulate you and ended up hurting you. I should have treated you like an equal and talked everything out. I do respect you. In fact, I wish I was more like you.”
She gave me a look of extreme doubt. “Oh come on, Davidson. We both know you’re the smart one. Why would you want to be like me?”
“Because you’re kind and sweet and honest. Because you’ve got great instincts and also,” I paused to think about what the exact quality was. “You’re moral, you do the right thing. I mean, look at what happened, you were right. If we had stayed together at U.B.C., we’d both be happier now. I wouldn’t have hurt you then, and we wouldn’t be fighting now. I miss you so much, Kel.”
Kelly looked at me wide-eyed. I could sense her softening. She hated hurting anyone or anything; I’d seen her set spiders free from the house. “Phil, I don’t know if that’s even true. Maybe in the short term we would be happier, but long term—who knows? Maybe we’d end up wishing for the adventure we hadn’t taken.”
We were going in circles now. She was right; there was no foretelling the future when every decision we made impacted what happened next.
“Kel, please. Can you forgive me?”
Her mouth twisted up as she considered my plea. She exhaled. “Okay, I forgive you. But this doesn’t mean anything about us.”
“Are we friends again?” I wondered.
“I guess.” She didn’t sound convinced though.
I wanted real forgiveness, but it wasn’t going to be easy. What we needed was something physical, like a hockey game, a way for Kelly to work out all the anger she clearly felt towards me. If she could smack me into the boards a few times, that might get things out of her system. Then I got an idea.
“Well, that’s great. What I wanted most was to make up with you. So, now could I use your computer to look something up?”
She looked puzzled at this abrupt change in the conversation. She flipped open her laptop and set up her Netscape browser.
“It’s all yours. Looking for return flights to Calgary?”
I shook my head and sat down at her desk.
“I’m going to brush my teeth,” Kelly said, grabbing a kit bag and leaving the room. After a quick search and a phone call, I was all set. She walked back in the room and gave me a curious look.
“So, Kelly, how would you like to try boxing?”
Kelly
I have no idea how Phil convinced me to go boxing with him. Maybe it was because I had no plans for the afternoon and it sounded interesting. Possibly it was part of another complicated plan to reunite us, but that wasn’t happening. I forgave him, but only because it was easier than carrying around all the resentment. Being upset took a lot of energy.
We walked down Saint-Urbain, hardly saying a word to each other. Two people who never seemed to have enough time together, but now we were like strangers. Phil seemed way happier than when he first got here, but I couldn’t be bothered to figure out why.
I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. He was wearing a new leather jacket, a dark sweater, and jeans. He had a small pack with his gym stuff in it; miraculously he seemed to have brought exactly the right workout gear for boxing. That only made me suspicious that he was scheming again. I tried not to look at his face. I was sure I could resist Phil, but there was no point in tempting fate.
The gym wasn’t huge, and there was a boxing ring in the centre. Phil went up and talked to the guy at the front desk, and they started bonding when Phil mentioned the MMA stuff he used to do. I went to the changeroom and took off my sweats and locked up my stuff. I was glad I was wearing shorts because this place was hot and humid. Phil had also changed into shorts and a sleeveless t-shirt that revealed his muscled arms. Great, now I couldn’t look at his face or his body. I looked at the floor.
Phil spoke quietly. “I paid for us to do a drop-in class, and maybe hinted that you were looking for a gym to join.”
A huge dude came over. “Kelly? I’m Louis. A pleasure to meet you.” He held out a hand as big as a ham. I could tell he was sizing me up, checking out what kind of shape I was in. I guess I passed, because he smiled and started telling me about their classes and personal training. The staff seemed to be the strong point, because the gym wasn’t particularly well equipped, other than the regulation boxing equipment like gloves and bags.
The class turned out to be pretty hardcore. We did some footwork training; it was fun, and I was surprised that some of the big guys were so graceful. The class moved sideways in synchronized scissor steps, and in the mirror we looked like a Broadway chorus line. Well, the tryouts for one, anyway. Phil was beside me, and he was perfectly coordinated, as always. The guy was a natural athlete, and it bugged my ass that things came so easy to him. Then we moved into extensive upper bodywork on the floor.
“Whose stupid idea was this?” I hissed at Phil as we moved into our millionth push-up variation. In hockey, lower body strength was the main focus and I was hurting.
“You’re weak, Tanaka,” Phil mocked me. He did a one-armed push-up to show off, and I groaned. Swimmers always had great upper body strength. I tried not to notice the gleam of sweat on his defined biceps. Thinking too much about Phil’s body would lead me into places I did not want to go.
I didn’t really mind all the push-ups; it was fun to challenge myself in a new way. The last part of the class was boxing-specific, like stances and punching moves. I was feeling pretty awesome by the end. The humid room and strenuous exercise had me sweating a ton though, and I grabbed my water bottle and towel.
“So, Kelly,” Louis said to me as I was drying off. “Philippe was telling me that you would like to try boxing.”
“I would?” I eyed the boxing ring where two guys were going at each other. It looked painful.
Phil interrupted. “Well, I asked if it was okay if we maybe hit the bag a little.”
“Sure. That sounds fun. I really liked the class,” I told Louis.
“You like it? We have not done our job then. You should be screaming in pain and hating our guts.” Louis laughed and took me over to the counter for a pair of loaner gloves. “Put your hands up, open them. Wrist stiff.”
I held my hands up and he swiftly wrapped them with cloth bands. “These are hand wraps. You must use them always to prevent injuries. Eh, you are a hockey player?”
I nodded. I guess Phil must have told him.
“Lots of hockey players take boxing lessons,” Louis said. “To help their game. But not usually les filles.” He chuckled. I sensed that Louis had a jolly exterior but a scary interior. He moved fluidly, like a tiger, displaying that physical confidence that certain athletes have. I wished I had that kind of swagger.
He put the gloves on me and started fastening them. They smelled terrible, and I made a face. “It is the sweat earned by a hundred boxers before you. If you start coming here all the time, you can get your own gloves, Kelly. Perhaps a nice pink pair?”
“Yeah, right,” I scoffed. Pink was not my colour.
Louis laughed. He put a hand on my tricep and squeezed. “Pas mal. This one has potential.”
We walked over to a row of huge punching bags that were suspended on chains. Two of them were being used by sparring partners who took turns. We walked over to the one on the end. Louis got Phil to hold the bag and gave me some basic instructions on how to stand and punch. “Hold up your gloves. Okay, you are a righty, so lead with this hand. We call it a jab. Jab, jab, jab, then the right hand, the cross, the big one. From here, rotate here.” He put his hands on my hips.
I tried, but the whole motion didn’t feel natural. I could feel myself holding back as I made contact. The punching bag felt harder than I expected, and my movements were awkward. It wasn’t like I had ever been in a real fight.
“Harder, Kelly. And move the feet.” Louis shrugged. “Keep going. You’ll get the hang of it.” He seemed disappointed in me, and he wandered off to talk to some guys nearby. I punched again, better that time.
“Harder,” Phil mocked me. “You hit like a girl.”
My temper flared, and I struck harder but my punch landed awkwardly.
Phil peered around from behind the bag. “Pretend it’s me.”
Oh yeah. That would feel good. I stopped worrying about my form and just punched. I could hear Phil’s voice, his tone sounded slightly mocking to me, but I wasn’t really listening to the words. All I saw was the blackness of the bag. Stupid Phil. How much time had I spent moping around and thinking about him? Everything at McGill had been great, but it was like I had been distanced from it all, unable to really feel. I had been underwater, and now I was coming to the surface. I hated Phil for making me like this, for taking the joy out of my life. I hated him for hurting me. I hated myself for being so vulnerable and stupid. I hit over and over. Every punch seemed like a rhythm. I hate you. Smack. I hate you. Smack. I hate you. Smack.
“Yeah, Kelly. Get it all out,” Phil urged me. The sound of his voice made me even angrier. Everything Louis had said began to coalesce in my body, and I delivered one cross so hard that Phil staggered back behind the bag.
I stopped, my hands aching, my arms rubbery with fatigue. I could not have thrown another punch, but I felt so good inside. Relief flowed through my whole body, like a wave.
“Pas mal.” Louis’s voice came from behind me. “Maybe we can make a boxer out of you after all.”
Phil
I knew the moment that Kelly came out of the changeroom that she wasn’t mad anymore. It wasn’t like everything had gone back to normal; I could tell that from the way she dropped her eyes as soon as they met mine. But she fell into step beside me as we left the gym.
“I’m starved,” I told her. It had been hours since my bagel and coffee at the airport. I also wanted to prevent Kelly from ditching me now.
“I’m pretty hungry too. What do you want to eat?”
“Something Montreal. Something I couldn’t get anywhere else.”
“Well, we could go to Schwartz’s since we’re already on St. Laurent. They have the best smoked meat sandwiches. People come from everywhere to eat them.” She looked at her watch. “Except there’s going to be a huge line-up now.”
I shook my head. “I’m really hungry, I’ve got to eat now.”
Kelly nodded. “Then poutine. I know a good place only few blocks from here.”
We walked the hill up St. Laurent. The low-rise buildings were old and grey, many made of stone, and it reminded me of Europe.
“How come you know so much about Montreal already?” I asked.
“It’s my teammates, a lot of them are from around here. And they’re food-crazy. They argue about stuff like who makes the best bagels. But I can’t say I’ve eaten a bad meal here yet. Well, except in residence. The food in BMH sucks.”
“So, you like it here?”
“I do, I do. I didn’t think I was a city girl, but Montreal has charmed the pants off me.”
Shit. I wished I could charm the pants off Kelly myself. She was so hot at the gym, mainly because she wasn’t trying to be. Seeing her sweating hard and working out like a fiend had been turning me on.
She bounced along beside me, her pace energetic even after the tough workout. She was wearing black sweatpants, a thick sweater and a black down vest. She had a white toque on and her slightly damp hair stuck out from the bottom. She was so cute, so fresh and clean.
Kelly steered us into a place called Frites Alors. It was only half-full, and we ordered burgers and poutine.
Our eyes met across the table. It was slightly awkward until Kelly smiled at me—the first real smile I’d seen all day. I felt this warmth spreading through me. Having Kelly being pissed off at me had been like a chronic injury, a nagging pain I couldn’t shake. My return smile was a huge grin.
“Well, I guess it’s time I asked you the normal questions. How long are you staying?” Kelly asked.
“I’m going back on Monday, late morning.”
“Do you know where you’re going to sleep?”
“Nope. I figured I’d throw myself at your mercy and see how that went.”
“I’m pretty sure you have a back-up plan, since you always do. But maybe you can stay in Molson.”
With her? Yes! This weekend was getting better and better. “Oh, that’d be great.”
Kelly continued, “I’m taking care of Joel’s aquarium this weekend He lives two doors down from me. I can call him and see if you can sleep in his room. I think it’ll be okay.”
That was two doors down from where I wanted to sleep, but it was a start. I nodded. “Okay, thanks. So you have time to hang out this weekend?”
“Yeah, lots. I have games on Sunday and Monday, but no practices. There’s lots of stuff around here I haven’t had a chance to do yet. Now that you’re here, we can do them together.” Kelly was suddenly so practical and matter-of-fact about everything, that it felt strange. It was like we had gone back in time, back to the place where we were only friends.
Our lunches arrived quickly and smelled delicious. I dove right in.
“What do you think?” Kelly asked, pointing to the poutine.
“What’s not to like about deep-fried potatoes in gravy and cheese?” I twirled a fry in the air and then ate it.
Kelly laughed. “They’re actually cheese curds. But don’t ask me what cheese curds are. The good ones are supposed to be squeaky.” She demonstrated, biting one and creating a tiny squeak. I heard her humming softly as she enjoyed her fries. How could everyone not fall in love with Kelly? She was so damn cute.
Kelly shook her head. “You did it again, Davidson. The boxing was genius. I feel so good now. I can’t believe that punching a bag could be so—I don’t even know the right word.”
“Cathartic.”
“What’s that mean?”
“It means that you clean the crap out, all the bad stuff that you’re feeling goes out of your body.”
Kelly nodded. “You always know the right words. And the right thing to do.” She sounded cautious though, and I got her meaning: even if you know the right thing, don’t boss me. Or maybe she meant that I hadn’t done the right thing at the end of the summer.
“I used martial arts before, to help me work out some frustrations.”
“I remember, you did that in the spring. What frustrations?”
“Not having sex with you.”
Kelly giggled. “And I was frustrated about not having sex with you! We should have just had sex.”
“Yeah, probably. But it was good that we waited. I feel it made everything more special.”
Kelly nodded. “Everything was perfect.”
It made me sad to hear her use the past tense like that.
Kelly
After lunch, we climbed the mountain to enjoy the city view, wandered around the Plateau, and then finally eaten dinner. It was completely dark when we left this Portuguese restaurant where we gorged out on grilled chicken. Without the sunshine, it was pretty chilly out.
“So shall we go back to your place now?” Phil asked.
I tucked the doggy bag into my backpack. “Already? It’s not even nine o’clock. Don’t you want to check out the great nightlife around here?” I didn’t actually know where the nightlife was, but I could call someone and find out. I had gone to a couple of bars during Orientation, but I only had a vague idea where they were.
“Well, we’ve been out for hours now. I wouldn’t mind sitting down and kicking back a little.”
“Sure, but you’re not here very long, so I figured you’d like to do everything. We could always walk through the Quartier des Spectacles to see what’s happening. It’s on the way home anyway.”
“Kelly, are you afraid to be alone with me?”
I gulped. Phil’s stupid mind-reading abilities were very inconvenient. “Of course not. Why would I be afraid?”
“I have no idea. I mean, Kel, you do know we’d never do anything you didn’t want, right?”
I nodded. Phil hadn’t tried to hold my hand or anything, but he sure seemed to touch me at every opportunity. And my stupid body was enjoying that way too much. I knew that all I had to say was no and he’d stop, but I was worried that I wouldn’t say no.
We walked back to Molson. Once we were back in my room, Phil suggested that we watch a movie on his laptop, and I couldn’t think of any excuse not to.
“Help me pull the desk over,” I asked Phil. “We’ll put your laptop on it, then one of us can sit in the chair and one on the corner of the bed. Or I could get a chair from Joel’s room.”
“Why bother? We can both sit on the bed and lean against the wall. It’ll be way more comfortable.” He stretched out to demonstrate and looked completely innocent. However, when I plopped down beside him, I noticed the corner of his mouth turning up. I grabbed my pillow and stuck it between us.
“I’m not contagious or anything,” he said.
I knew exactly what I could catch from Phil. It started with L and rhymed with thrust. “It’s only to be more comfortable,” I said, using the pillow for an armrest.
The movie was an action one that I really got into. I liked watching movies with Phil because he didn’t talk all the time, but he did react to the good parts. Once it was over, it was just the two of us in a dimly lit room. I was completely conscious of Phil’s presence, feeling the heat from his arm next to mine. He turned to look at me, and all I could see was how extremely attractive he was—his hazel eyes, his smile, his angular face, this dark hair falling over his forehead. I actually sat on my hand so I wouldn’t reach up and push his hair from his face like I used to do.
“What do you miss about home, Kel?”
The question sounded so innocent, but it was loaded. I missed Phil, of course. Talking to him, laughing with him, and having sex with him. I took a deep breath to center myself, but that made things worse as I could smell his sharp, masculine scent.
“Um, I really miss being able to run the trails two minutes from my front door. I miss seeing the mountains and the ocean. I can run down by the water here, but it takes me 20 minutes to get there.”
“Calgary’s good, but it’s pretty different from Vancouver.”
“Do you wish you were at U.B.C. instead?”
He shook my head. “I don’t do regret.” He turned and looked at me, his eyes glistening in the semi-darkness. “Except for you.”
Again, I tried to keep things light. “Welp, I guess I caused you to go to Calgary. Sorry about that.”
Phil grinned. “Don’t ever tell my dad, but he was right. It was good for me to leave Vancouver. I hear from Hoff what he’s doing, and I know that would have been my life. Same fraternity, the parties, all that crap.” He waved dismissively. “U of C was a chance for me to change a little. I’ve met some great new friends; some of them are really into music like me. We go to concerts and even jam a little—until someone starts bitching about the noise.”
“What do you mean? You’re not going to parties? I can’t believe that.”
“Of course I am. But it’s different than high school.”
I shook my head. “Yeah, right.” Was Phil hinting that he wasn’t a big player anymore? I wasn’t naïve enough to fall for that. Like tonight, even I couldn’t miss the way the waitress at the Portuguese place was fawning over him.
“You know, Kelly, you have this huge blind spot. You think I’m this stud who goes through chicks like tissue. Maybe if you saw me like I really am, you wouldn’t have gotten so upset back in August.”
Oh please! Phil was so slick that he was turning everything around so he was this angel. I knew what he was like; I’d seen him operate for years. How could a guy who spent so long in the missionary position suddenly act like a missionary?
Suddenly, I remembered what Charmaine had said about guys changing when they meet the right person. Did Phil change when he started dating me? No way. And if he had, then he wouldn’t have broken up with me.
I knew that tons of girls came on to him, but now I realized he didn’t do anything to encourage them. Like tonight, Phil had only been polite to the waitress. What if he was right and I was wrong? I shook my head; that could not be.
I realized that Phil was watching me go through my whole thought process. Oh crap.
“Ready to admit I might be right?”
I groaned. “Am I going to have to get off my high horse? I like being the good guy while you’re the baddie.”
We both laughed, and then he took both my hands in his. “Kelly, I feel so shitty about the way things went down, but more than that—I miss you. Everything about you—your laughter, your sweetness. I miss how good we are together.” He kissed the palms of my hands and pulled me towards him. His hazel eyes were almost hypnotic, and I felt all my self-control slipping away.
“No, Phil! Please, don’t do this.” I pulled my hands out and almost fell off the bed. So smooth. I jumped up and started turning on every light in the room.
“Uh, would you like a drink?” I pulled a water from my mini-fridge.
Phil was still leaning relaxed against the wall and watching me. He reminded me of a cougar or some other stealth predator. “You have beer?”
I shook my head. “We could go to the dep and get some.” One nice thing about Montreal was that the corner stores or dépanneurs all sold cheap wine and beer. It wasn’t like I was drinking all the time, but I liked the freedom of it.
“No, I’m good. Why don’t you come back here?” He patted the bed beside him.
“You know, maybe you’d better go. I have a game tomorrow.”
“Really? Because I know a way to help you get a good night’s sleep.” Phil gave me that familiar look, with his eyes half-closed and a tiny smile. I felt a tingle run over my whole body. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
“Phil, no. We’re not having sex.”
He stood up, his presence big and masculine, looming over me. “But Kel, you like having sex. It’s one of your very favourite things. And having sex with you is my very favourite thing.” He put a hand on my shoulder and moved his thumb up my neck.
I moaned involuntarily. “Oh shit. Stop.”
His thumb stopped moving, but he left his hand on me. Through some miracle of physics, biology, or chemistry, his hand was transmitting a pulsing heat through my entire body. Apparently a new source of renewable energy had been discovered right here in my room. As he was leaning forward to kiss me, I wrenched myself away. I got Joel’s key from my desk drawer.
“Here’s the key. His room is two doors down.” I motioned with my thumb.
Phil was still wearing that half-smile. “You going to tuck me in?”
“No. Good night.”
“What if I can’t sleep?”
“I hear warm milk is good. Or you can count sheep.” I shoved his laptop back into his duffel bag and dropped the bag in the hallway.
“You seem tense,” Phil said. Yeah, and whose fault was that? He was standing way too close.
“Go.” I held the door open.
Phil walked by me, but swivelled at the last moment and pressed his lips against mine. His mouth felt warm and wonderful. Before I could squeak out a word of protest, he ended the kiss, gracefully scooped up his bag and went down the hall.
“Sweet dreams, Kelly,” I heard as I let the door swing shut.
One stupid kiss. But I would be feeling it on my lips all night.