Lise had called a captain’s meeting after our game against Queen’s, just her and the three alternates. I had been surprised but pumped to be selected as an alternate. Coach Mike was pretty wily about his captain selections. He never chose the best players; instead, he chose players he claimed exemplified the characteristics he wanted for the whole team. So instead of Team Canada candidate Deirdre Tough or all-star goalie Kellarisa Jones, he chose me, Brenda Ryder-Smith, and Jackie Marchuk as alternates.
“There’s a lot of pressure on us this season,” Lise began. All the university ratings had us ranked number one, and everyone knew the real goal was to win the C.I.S. title. So far we were undefeated, but it was still early days. “But you know, points now are as important as points later in the season.”
Although she was perfectly bilingual, English was Lise’s second language. I noticed that she tended to talk in clichés whenever she had to speak formally or to a group.
“I am worried about how well the rookies are integrating into our systems. Does anyone have ideas on how to improve this?”
Most of the new players were fine, but there were a couple that seemed too tentative on the ice. People started chipping in with system-specific suggestions about lines and practices.
“They’re rookies,” drawled Brenda. “It’s only natural that they should feel off-balance. Having a humbling first year is what enables a player to be open to learning.” While there was some truth to that, it was pretty negative. I didn’t really like Brenda that much. She came from a wealthy private school background and was kind of snobby. I wasn’t sure why she was even an alternate, except she was extremely smart. She had also led a team charity project last season, but I suspected that was more for her résumé than from the goodness of her heart.
“Confidence is important too,” I said, in direct contradiction to Brenda’s remark. “Maybe some of the girls need more off-ice guidance.”
“How would we do that?” Lise wondered.
“We could change the roommate assignments.”
Everyone groaned. People liked to room with their friends, and since all of us were in third or fourth year, we had the perfect set-ups already. I was with Deirdre, and we spent a lot of nights laughing our heads off. But I was willing to take one for the team.
“Calm down,” I said, as the muttering began. “It doesn’t have to be forever, we could do it until Christmas. That would give the new players a chance to see how we prepare and ask any random questions they might not want to raise in a team meeting.”
Lise nodded. “It’s like mentoring. A very good idea, Kelly.”
“I refuse to do it,” said Brenda. “It took me two years to find a roommate who doesn’t snore or stay up too late. Proper sleep is an integral part of my routine.” I had wondered why Brenda roomed with Martha, a big, quiet d-man. They didn’t seem to have anything in common.
“Nobody will be forced to do this,” Lise replied, but her frown meant she wasn’t impressed by selfishness. “But volunteering to do so shows your dedication to the team.” This was a direct shot at Brenda, since everyone knew she really wanted to be captain next year. She was trying to live up to her brother, who had been captain of the McGill men’s team three years earlier. Deirdre and I dreaded the idea of Brenda being captain, but she sucked up to Coach Mike big time.
Nobody grumbled after that comment. But Brenda had never said if she was willing to switch up roommates. Lise went through some administrative stuff and adjourned the meeting.
As I was leaving, Lise asked me to wait.
“What’s up?” I asked when we were alone.
“Kelly, I have noticed that you aren’t yourself lately.”
“Really? I thought I had a good game tonight.”
Lise shook her head. “I don’t mean on the ice. Your play this season is better than ever. In fact, I’ve been meaning to ask you about your offseason conditioning.”
I had taken big chunks from Jimmy’s conditioning routine and used them in the McGill gym all August. As a result, I was stronger, and my explosive speed had improved.
Lise continued, without waiting for my training tips. “You seem sad—well, not sad, but maybe worried? You’re usually such a happy soul. Is there anything you’d like to talk about?”
I hesitated. There was something bothering me, but I hadn’t confided in anyone. Deirdre was a great buddy, but even she would admit that she couldn’t keep a secret. And my two pre-med roommates were up to their eyeballs in midterms and labs, so I hadn’t wanted to bother them. Lise was discreet, and she also had a lot of experience with guys.
“Can I ask you a hypothetical question?”
She nodded.
“If a girl doesn’t feel the same way her boyfriend, is it leading him on to keep going out with him?”
Lise’s eyes widened. She didn’t answer right away, which I liked. She was taking time to think. “Well, I guess he cares more than you do? Because otherwise you would not feel guilty.”
“Yeah.” So much for hypothetical. I really didn’t want to get into details. It felt like a betrayal to discuss this at all, but I knew I could trust Lise.
How did Jimmy know he loved me? Maybe he was in love because I was the first girl he’d ever slept with. And he was so young; perhaps it was more like a teenaged crush. But he had been so sweet ever since I had seen him in Maine. He had called almost every night, and carefully told me if he’d be missing the next night. I’d also noticed that he made a point of asking more about my games. And then last week, he’d sent me roses for our three-month anniversary—an occasion I didn’t even know existed.
I knew exactly what he was trying to do. He had decided I had trust issues and was trying to show me how reliable he was and how I could depend on him. I wasn’t sure if I had trust issues or not, but it was certainly too early for me to throw the word “love” around. But I wasn’t sure if that was fair to Jimmy. Maybe he deserved someone more normal who could be everything he wanted.
“Does he pressure you?”
“No, not really.” When Jimmy called, he didn’t harp on the love thing at all. Only a couple of times after we had an especially nice talk, he ended with a soft “I love you” and then hung up immediately. Either he wasn’t giving me time to protest, or maybe he disconnected so he could imagine I was saying the right thing back.
“Then why break up? It seems cruel to end things because your affection is not equal. I am sure he would agree.”
“I guess.” I wondered if I should confess everything to Lise. She was so understanding. “I worry. I worry that if I let my guard down and relax with a guy, I’m going to get hurt.”
Lise paused again and her forehead creased. “But Kelly, that is not a good way to be. That means that the guy is like a hunter or something. He pursues you only for the chase and discards you afterwards. So, you are not having sex?”
“Oh no. I mean, yes. We are. Definitely.” That was too funny, not only were we having sex, we were having as much sex as was physically possible.
“Why do you think he will hurt you? Is there something in his personality or past?”
I shook my head. There was no rational reason. Everything about Jimmy said solid, dependable, and nice. Of course, part of that dependability was all his long-term planning. He could almost pinpoint what he’d be doing for the next six months. It made me uncomfortable when he tried to schedule my time too. That was not the way I was, but I understood it was something in him—like a sheepdog herding the flock. Anyway, the main problem was not Jimmy, it was all in my head. And Lise was right, that wasn’t healthy.
“When I have to make a decision about a relationship, I think about whether I would be happier in or out of it. Are you happy, Kelly?
“I am.” I was extremely happy when I was with Jimmy. But I was fine when we were apart. That was the way long distance was. You couldn’t complain that you didn’t get to see each other every day, because that was what you signed up for. Naturally our relationship was complicated by how busy we were, but that was life. Jimmy was right though. Unless we planned it, we would never be in the same place.
Lise patted my hand. “Don’t feel guilty, Kelly. I would like to see your optimistic nature come out again. Consider this: if everything else is good, and you are happy—perhaps love is something you may grow into?”
When I got home, both my roommates were up, but in their room with the doors closed, which meant they were studying hard. I went to my room and dumped my bag. I needed to do a laundry badly. Someone had left mail on my desk.
A bill from Bell, and a white envelope with an American stamp. I looked at the return address and it was from Jimmy. I tore it open, and there was a card. Three fluffy kittens and the caption, “Miss you.” I opened it up and the card read, “Without you, it’s a cat-astrophe here!” I chuckled and saw Jimmy had written a note in scratchy black writing. I tried to remember if I had ever seen his handwriting before.
Hey Kelly,
Sorry it’s such a corny card, but I know you like cats. I really miss you and I had the best time when you were here. Hope your games at Queen’s went well. Can hardly wait to see your beautiful face at Christmas.
Love,
Jimmy
Something about snail mail was more real. There was a fluttering inside me that made me catch my breath. Maybe Lise was right.