In the morning, we went out for a pancake breakfast. Phil’s posture looked relaxed, but his face still had lines of tension.
“Did you want to talk about work?”
Phil shook his head. “Not really. I spend my time there fantasizing about what we’re doing now. So why spoil the perfection of this moment?”
That sounded so poetic. I reached out and held his hand.
“I’ve missed you lots, Kel. Not only this summer—it’s been ages since we’ve really talked or anything.”
Yeah, we’d sort of been on the outs for the past year—ever since I met Jimmy. Before that, Phil and I regularly called and emailed, but that had trickled away to nothing.
“I didn’t even call you on your birthday,” I said sadly.
He squeezed my hand. “I knew you were still mad. My birthday gift was finding out that you were single again.”
“I didn’t break up with him because of what you said or did. I had my own reasons.” I was long over being mad at Phil, but I’d never properly reamed him out. “I don’t like it when you interfere in my personal life.”
“It’s not something I do all the time,” he protested. Yeah, but that was because I didn’t date all the time. He had interfered when I was going out with Nicklas and then with Jimmy. He watched me frowning, and apologized. “Okay, I’m sorry. But when something seems so wrong, I can’t help but speak up.”
“We’re not going to fight about this,” I told him. I took my hand out of his and sliced my sausage with a little more vigour than necessary. “But it’s a double standard when you’ve dated so many women.”
“That’s because you’re not like me. You’re a better person.”
“Don’t suck up to me. All I mean is that you need to grant me the same courtesy—to realize that I have to make my own choices and my own mistakes.” I really liked Phil, and there was no doubt that we were good together. But I hated when he tried to force our relationship onto his timetable.
I could hear Phil exhaling. Clearly, my ideas were not in sync with his. “It’s hard. How would like to stand by and see someone you cared about get hurt?”
“Well, you’re making the assumption that I’m going to make lousy choices every time.”
Phil pulled up my hand and kissed it. “That’s because anyone who is not me is a lousy choice.”
After breakfast, he drove me home, and I started getting nervous.
“Do I look okay? Do you think my parents will be able to tell what we’ve been doing?”
“You look beautiful… and totally guilty. I’m sure they’ll be able to tell everything we did, including that thing in the shower—”
“Hush.” I put my hand over his mouth, and he licked my palm. “Oh yuck, your saliva is all over me.”
“You weren’t complaining about my tongue this morning.”
“Phil! Jeez, could we stop talking about sex? I’m trying to pull myself together.”
“You live on your own most of the year. Why are you so nervous?”
“I know, but when I’m back home, it’s like a time machine. I love having meals cooked for me, but I hate having to answer to anyone.”
“Where are you living after graduation?”
“I guess it depends where I get a job. If I get a job. Do you have a million job options?”
The corner of his mouth turned up. “Not quite a million. I’ve already had an offer to work with my current company, but I don’t want to live up there. There’s an engineering firm in Calgary I’m interested in, but I’ll see what else comes up this year.”
So he wasn’t coming back to Vancouver? I had no idea. This was what happened when you threw a hissy fit and didn’t talk for months. “You like living in Calgary?”
He nodded. “There’s a lot of possibility there. The city’s got this entrepreneurial drive that I like. The oil money is part of it, but there’s also an independent spirit. Some of the political stuff I could live without. I guess I’m too left coast.” He stopped for a light and turned to me. “You’re not staying in Montreal, are you?”
“No way. I don’t speak enough French to get a job. I love it there though.” I sighed. I was going to miss so much of my life at McGill: the city, the university life, and my team.
“What do you think you’re going to do?” Phil asked. As much as I hated hearing this question from my parents, I didn’t mind it now. It was something I was worried about, and Phil was the best person to discuss these things with.
“I’d really like to do something with hockey. But I’m not sure what.”
He raised an eyebrow and then quoted Gretzky, “I miss 100% of the shots I don’t take.”
“Meaning I need to figure out what I want to do?”
“A little research wouldn’t hurt. If you put as much work into your career plans as you do into your hockey training, you’d have it made.” My guidance counselor had said exactly the same thing, but the words sounded better coming from Phil’s mouth. Especially since it was the same mouth that had done so many amazing things to me in the past twelve hours.
“Okay, I will.” He was right, and I’d been procrastinating. What I really wanted was to keep playing hockey, but sticking my head in the sand wasn’t going to achieve that. I had been thinking about something in the sports media or administration area.
We turned into my driveway, and I was relieved to see that my dad had gone to work already. My mom would be so happy to see me with Phil that any details—like the hickey on my inner thigh—would go unnoticed.
“Hey, I’m home,” I called out.
“Kelly, it’s about—oh, hello, Phil. I see you found her at the restaurant.”
“Yes, thanks to you, Molly. I hope you weren’t too worried about Kelly.”
“Well, I knew she was with you, so I wasn’t really concerned.” My mom and Phil beamed at each other in their mutual admiration society.
“Mmm, blueberry muffins. You want one, Phil?” We went into the kitchen, and I poured us milk to go with them. He was telling my mom about his summer job, and when he got into the engineering specifics, I zoned out a little. I was tired, and we had plans to take a nap—not together, of course—and then go for a kayak ride.
All of Saturday passed in a happy blur. It was like we were back in the Phil-and-Kelly days. We went kayaking. We walked around the Cove since Phil seemed to be a little homesick. Then we went out for the sushi dinner that he had been craving while in Alberta. We finished off the evening in his downstairs rec room. Since that was the place I lost my virginity, everything that happened seemed only fitting.
Phil
On Sunday, I woke up with a smile on my face. I was flying out at midnight, but so far this weekend had gone exactly as I’d hoped.
One of the keys to Kelly was that she was all about the moment. There was no point in calling her and trying to repair things between us. She dealt with things that were right in front of her. Coming here and seeing each other in the flesh—and what flesh she had—was the best way to get her attention.
For someone who took a ton of risks when she did anything physical, Kelly liked to play it safe emotionally. She was willing to hit a guy twice her size or try almost anything sexual, but never to say a word about love or commitment. And I had played it cool all weekend, but things were coming together for us.
We could do the long distance thing for a year and then be together. And it would be better now because of the other people we had dated—especially for Kelly, because I had been her first. Now we could appreciate what we had together and how special it really was.
I called Hoff to get caught up. I felt a little guilty that I’d spent all my time with Kelly, but I hadn’t wanted to do anything else. He was heading out to meet friends at the lacrosse box, which was perfect. I called Kelly.
“Hey, great news. Hoff is organizing little ball hockey action. So get your gear together, and I’ll be right over to pick you up.”
“Are you serious? That’s fantastic. This is the best weekend ever!”
I could hear the excitement in her voice. It was almost too easy to make Kelly happy. I pulled on some shorts and hunted up my old hockey gloves and a road hockey stick.
“We have hardly seen you this weekend,” my mother commented, as I was lacing up my shoes.
“Yeah, sorry. I’ll be home for dinner though. Can I have Kelly over?”
She smiled. “Go ahead, there is plenty of food. We are having pork cutlets, spaetzle, and cabbage salad.”
“My favourites.”
“I am aware.”
I went to pick up Kelly. Her mom told me she was in the backyard shed getting out her hockey gear. I walked around the garage and saw her taking imaginary shots. She was so damn cute.
Her hockey stick glinted metallic in the sunlight, and I realized it was an Easton CNT, a brand new and very expensive composite stick.
“Where did you get that stick?”
She turned to face me and looked completely guilty. She jammed it into her stick bag, and shoved the bag behind her. I walked over and looked inside.
“Three Easton CNTs? That’s pretty sweet. Where did you get the money for sticks like that?” I stared at her hard, willing her to tell me she got sponsored or something. There was no way she could afford those sticks on a rec centre salary.
“They were a gift,” she said, looking down at her shoes. Just the words I didn’t want to hear.
“From him?”
“I don’t know, there wasn’t a card or anything.”
“Three CNTs show up on the doorstep, and you don’t ask any questions or have any idea who they’re from? Wish I lived here.” It felt like the distance between us was increasing with every word we spoke.
“Well, I assumed that Jimmy sent them, but I didn’t talk to him or anything.”
“Don’t you think that’s impolite? Maybe it’s a trade. He sends you sticks and then you—well, you don’t really have anything to send back to an NHL prospect. Except your sweet self.” I was in this zone where I knew I was saying stupid things, but I couldn’t stop myself. Ever since that night I’d held her while she cried because he’d hurt her, I’d hated Frechette. Why would she keep letting him into her life? Her naiveté was astounding to me.
“I haven’t spoken to him in months. If he wants to send me a birthday present, what am I supposed to do?”
“You could send them back,” I suggested. “That’s the right thing to do—if you don’t want to have anything to do with him.”
I could read the conflict on her face. I was sure that she knew what a douche he was, but she still seemed to be interested. I couldn’t stand it anymore. Did she not see how good we were together?
“Kelly, I want a commitment from you. I can’t live with not knowing anymore.”
“A commitment? Like being engaged? That’s insane.”
“No, it’s not about marriage. We’re going into our final year of school, and we have to decide what we’ll be doing after graduation. Do you want what I do? All I want is for us to live in the same city, to date, and to see how we feel after that. Let’s agree to give ourselves that chance.”
I wasn’t asking for anything huge. We didn’t even have to go out long distance, and she could date this year if she wanted. All I wanted was a future chance to see if we still worked—like we had this weekend.
“What city? I don’t know about Calgary—”
“Stop it. It doesn’t matter what city. We’ll talk and see what our job offers are, and figure out the best options for both of us. The main thing is that we’ll plan it together and then be together.” I watched her, looking for any sign that she agreed, that we finally felt the same way at the same time.
Kelly gazed off into the distance, getting that absent look that meant she was deep in thought. I wished I could reason with her about why we were so good, so real.
The time passed with excruciating slowness and then with the slightest of movements, she shook her head. Before she could say a word and completely break things off between us—I left.
Instead of going home, I headed out to the lacrosse box anyway. A little road hockey would be a physical release for me.
“Hey P.D.,” Hoff greeted me with a high five. “Where’s Kelly?”
“She couldn’t come after all.”
“Probably better. We can play a real game without chicks around.”
There were seven other guys, and they had already started playing. Hoff took things too seriously as usual. In some ways, he and Kelly were very alike when it came to hockey. Then I cursed myself for continuing to think about her. But how could I help it?
While I enjoyed the work at Fort Mac, I had way too much time in my own head, and I didn’t always like what I found in there. I had brought my guitar, so I was playing and writing a lot of music. But there was an essential loneliness to my life there that I’d never experienced before.
At the beginning, I had gone out weekends with some of the guys. Then one evening, everything went to hell. Gerry, a Newfie about my age, had gotten pretty drunk and belligerent, and ended up in a fight. The other guy was really aggressive—he was high on something—and ended up stabbing Gerry.
While he was lying there, a few of us were crouched around him, trying to help out until the ambulance came. One guy was stemming the blood flow, and I was trying to keep him calm. Gerry kept talking as he wove in and out of consciousness.
“Lord Jesus, I’m dying. Tina’s gonna kill me when she finds out. She’ll give me the boot, for sure.”
“Don’t worry, Gerry,” I reassured him. “You’ll be fine. It’s not your fault.”
“She’ll know I’ve been an idiot. Fuck, it hurts bad.”
Finally the ambulance came and took him to the hospital. He recovered, but he never came back to work. He went home and none of us heard a word from him again.
There was something about that moment—the shock of seeing all that blood, and the real possibility that he could die at only twenty-three—that had made me very introspective. Or maybe it was all the isolation. I began thinking a lot more about what I wanted in life.
I wanted to travel, I wanted challenging work, and I wanted a circle of good friends. I had thought I was very independent, but this summer had taught me the importance of my social life. There was a huge difference in choosing to be alone or having to be alone. And I needed to live in a place big enough to have culture and diversity.
Being with Kelly this weekend had been incredible—better than before. She was so relaxed and fun. We’d both grown and changed, but she still had that beautiful spirit inside. I felt happier just being in her presence, and she sensed right away that I was stressed. How could our emotional link not be visible to her?
Maybe I had overreacted. Kelly hadn’t even seen Frechette. But she wasn’t ready to cut him out completely either. How could I compete with a guy like that? He had money, NHL cred, and most importantly for her—he played hockey. Hockey was always number one for her. While I couldn’t understand it, Kelly had always liked him. She’d regret it someday, but I was tired of waiting for her to realize what an asshole he was.
My summer had made me more concerned about the future, and Kelly was all about the now. Yet after the perfect time we had together, I was sure this was it, that she loved me. I was wrong though. Maybe not all my stupid dreams could come true. Was it time to move on?
How did he do that? I hadn’t even said a word before he had read my mind and stormed off in his little huff. Of course, he was right. I had been thinking that I didn’t want to lock myself into the future that everyone in high school had predicted for me. I did love being with Phil—we had the most incredible time together, and I felt so relaxed with him. But I didn’t want to be tied down right now. There were things I wanted to accomplish this year—like finally winning a C.I.S. championship. When I graduated, I wanted to be open to whatever opportunities might come up.
Maybe it was dumb not to plan for the future. And I hated that our incredible weekend had ended this way. Now Phil was going back up to a work camp where he didn’t have a lot to look forward to. We seemed to take turns getting upset and taking off.
Since I was dressed for playing road hockey anyway, I decided to change my shoes and go for a run. Hopefully that would get rid of the crummy feeling in my stomach. I hated being on the outs with Phil.
The run did make me feel better and also a little optimistic. Maybe he would realize how dumb he was being and come back here after ball hockey. We shouldn’t be fighting over things that might not even happen.
Just as I was having these happy thoughts, my phone rang. I picked it up expectantly.
“Hey!”
“Oh hey, Kelly.” Jimmy’s low voice rumbled into my ear.
“Oh wow, Jimmy. How are you?”
“I’m good, real good. I, uh, sent you a thing, and I wanted to make sure you got it.”
“Yeah, I’m really sorry. I should have called you right away, but I’ve been… busy. Thank you so much for the lovely gift. I can hardly wait until the season starts and I get to use them.”
“Well, happy birthday. So you like them?”
“Of course, it’s an amazing gift. I could never afford sticks like that. And you taped them and everything.”
“I like to do stuff for you.”
I swallowed. While that was very sweet, it also felt like more pressure. It was like these guys were tag-teaming me. In this corner, Mr. Commitment and in this corner, Mr. Even More Commitment. Crapapalooza.
“Well, thanks again. How’s your summer going?”
“Good. I’m training hard. I’m going to the Hawks’ training camp this year, and I want to be ready.”
“I’m sure you’ll make it, no problem.”
“You never know,” he replied. “I have to be completely prepared.”
“They wanted you last year, and you’re a year older now and better.” Presumably he was bigger too, and I wished that this were a Skype call so I could check that out for myself. Then I gave my head a shake. I was just messing around with Phil last night, and I shouldn’t be having impure thoughts about Jimmy today.
Jimmy’s preparation was legendary, and I had borrowed more than a few training tips from him last season. I wondered if I could ask about his off-season routine, but then we could be on the phone for hours.
He cleared his throat. “I saw Burt a while back. He said he offered you a job at Lake Carswell again, but you were already working all summer.”
“Yeah, that was really nice of him, but I’ve got a great job at a rec centre here. You’re not working there, are you?”
“No, I’ve got too much on this summer. But I was wondering if you were going to come out this way….” The hope in his voice was all too clear. From everything I had seen at UMaine, he wouldn’t have any trouble finding a new girlfriend, so it always made me wonder why he made out like he was the lonely guy.
“Unfortunately, I have to work right up until the end of August, because we have hockey camps going on. I’m not even getting to Montreal until the Labour Day weekend.”
A short exhale of breath on Jimmy’s end. Then he abruptly changed the subject. “I got a signing bonus.”
“Great.” I had no clue how much money that meant, but it had to be a good thing.
“So, if you wanted to come and visit me in Chicago—or Rockford, depending where I end up—well, that would be easy to arrange.”
I could feel his intensity weighing on me, and something snapped. First Phil, and now this.
“Look, Jimmy, I’m going to be really busy this year. Hockey is going to be huge for me.” It was my last chance to win the championship that we had come so tantalizingly close to for the past two seasons.
“Yeah, you guys made it to the final, right?” Jimmy answered. “We were the same, made the Frozen Four but didn’t win.”
The reminder of our loss put me in a worse mood. “All I mean is that I don’t have time for any long-distance stuff. Anyway, I really think you should be going out with other girls.”
While we had had a pretty intense relationship; he always put me on this pedestal where I didn’t feel comfortable, and I figured that more experience would solve that.
“I have been dating other girls.” Jimmy’s voice was suddenly tense. It sounded like that had been a negative experience. I felt a wave of sympathy for him. He had this innocence about him, and it would be so easy for him to get hurt. I guess I hadn’t heard from him while he was dating someone else, but now that it was over, it was back to square one—me.
I softened my voice. “I’m sorry, Jimmy. I know that we had an amazing time when we were together, but unless we’re going to be in the same place at the same time, I don’t see how things can work out.”
“But Kelly, that can’t happen unless we plan for it.” He was saying exactly what Phil had said as well. And both of them were right. Still, I needed to take charge and be honest.
“You’re all about focus, and I am too. I want to win this championship, and I don’t want any distractions.”
“Having a boyfriend is a distraction? If he was good at hockey, he could be helping you—with training advice or equipment.”
Right. Who could he be talking about? “Emotional crap is distracting.” That was my experience anyway. I liked talking and having sex, but all the relationship angst was a pain.
“It doesn’t have to be ‘emotional crap.’ That’s just your take on things. But I guess that means you’re not going to be going out with anyone else?”
“Nope.”
“Well, that’s good. We can keep talking anyway.”
I groaned internally. The best part of my relationship with Jimmy was the time we spent together. When we spoke on the phone, it wasn’t the same at all.
“You know, Jimmy, I think it would be better all around if we took a break. I’ll call you when I’m ready.”
“Ready for what?”
“I don’t know, ready to start things up again. Once I know what I’m doing after graduation.”
“I don’t get why you resist even a little contact.”
“Because I think it’s healthier. You have a ton of stuff on your plate, but I do too. I’m not expecting you to wait around for me—you go ahead and do your own thing. Go out and have fun.” For crying out loud, I sounded like his mom. A talented, good-looking rookie in his first year in the NHL? Fun was going to find him.
I heard a huff of breath that meant he didn’t agree with me at all. But what could he do? Ever since I had broken up with him, I had held firm to the belief that there was no point in us going out long distance. And now I was taking things one step further.
“Okay, call me when you know what’s up. And Kelly, take care of yourself. I really miss you.”
“You too. Good luck at camp. I know you’ll have a great season.”
“I hope so.”
“Bye, Jimmy.”
“Bye.”
While talking to Jimmy was unsettling, I felt pretty good about the way I had handled things. Maybe I’d been too nice and let both Jimmy and Phil boss me around. When I took a stand and said what I wanted, it felt a lot better. I didn’t know if Jimmy and I would ever get back together, but it wouldn’t be in the next year for sure. So why keep dragging things out?
As far as Phil went, I should be equally honest. No, I wasn’t ready to commit to him, but that didn’t mean we had to break things off completely. Staying in touch with Phil was completely different. He sent me music and funny videos, and he didn’t call unless he had news. And I hated thinking that he was having a lonely time in Fort Mac and couldn’t even call. That was the difference; I felt sorry for Phil in his current circumstances, but I felt like Jimmy had everything going for him. He had no reason or need to complain to me, since everyone envied him. As usual, I was on the side of the underdog.
So it was time to take charge of things with Phil too. This was ridiculous. We shouldn’t keep fighting and sulking. Phil was the one who said we were adults, and it was time we acted like it. I decided that if I didn’t hear from him first, I’d go there after dinner. He’d be at home packing or whatever, before his flight.
I didn’t hear boo; so later I walked over to his house.
His scary mom opened the door.
“Oh hey,” I said. “I just came by to say goodbye to Phil.”
Greta glared at me. “He is not here. He should have been back long ago, and I thought he was out with you.”
I hesitated on the doorstep, but she seemed to be in a bad mood.
“Okay. Sorry to bother you.”
I heard the door shut behind me, and I wondered if I should hang out at the bottom of his long driveway like some creeper. It was a beautiful clear night, so it wouldn’t be the worst thing. While I was hesitating, I heard a car coming up his quiet street. It was probably Phil.
The engine rumble cut out, and I heard voices.
“Yo, P.D., you hafta come home more often, see what you’re missing?” Dave Vanderhauf’s bro tones were easily recognizable.
Then I heard the giggling of girls! Seriously? We have one fight, and he’s already out with someone else a few hours later?
“Bye, Phil,” one of the girls cooed. “Call me when you get back, okay?”
I heard Phil’s low voice and then the slamming of a car door. I ducked into the shrubs, desperately wishing that I wasn’t here. How embarrassing was it that I was waiting around like a lame rejected ex?
He ran up the driveway. In the dim light, I could see his pale grey t-shirt but not his face. He didn’t notice me, and I refused to call out and make him turn his head. After all, what was I going to say now? I’m sorry that I caused you all that unhappiness that apparently took you five seconds to get over?
Once his front door slammed, I escaped. When I got home, I went straight to my room where Gino was already lying on my bed. I cuddled my fat cat, and his purr vibrated right into my chest. At least someone still cared about me, even if he wasn’t human.
My phone rang. I picked it up and read Phil’s name. Greta must have told him I was there.
I turned my phone off. I was tired, and it was bedtime.
I got into work two minutes late on Monday and went to Lois’s desk to get the keys.
“Kelly, you’re here. I was going to yank the reliability crown from your head. You’re usually early.”
“Sorry, Lois. I was a little tired this morning, and I slept through three snooze alarms.” That was an understatement. I was emotionally wrung out and looking forward to a nice normal day of work.
She waggled a finger at me. “It must have been all that partying you did this weekend. Happy birthday, by the way.”
“Thank you.” Today was my actual birthday, but I was completely done with celebrating. Thank God birthdays only came once a year.
I unlocked the door, and all the kids rushed in to get changed and onto the ice. As they filed out, Arnold blew by me without even a hello, much less the intense conversations he wanted last week. He plowed onto the ice and then pulled up next to Joanie, one of the most energetic girls in the program. They began chatting away. He was still pursuing older women, as Joanie had ten years to his eight. But she was way more age-appropriate than me.
Olive, one of the other instructors, skated over and grinned. “I see that Arnold’s given up on winning your heart, Kelly.”
I laughed and nodded. “I wish more guys would do that.”
The End