I dragged my suitcase into the apartment and collapsed onto the couch. “Gahhh.”
April was reading in the armchair. She lowered her magazine and looked at me. “I guess it’s not a good weekend unless you come home and collapse. You enjoyed L.A.?”
Jimmy had meetings with his agent and flew me down to see him. “I had a great time. We left no tourist attraction unseen. Jimmy scheduled everything.”
“What was your fave?” April had spent a lot of time in Los Angeles while pursuing her acting career.
“I really liked walking along the pier, like Venice Beach and Santa Monica. So many interesting people. Can you imagine doing your weight workout on a beach? Fun, but you’d have to be an exhibitionist.” I stretched.
“Is that a new watch?” April asked. “It’s nice.”
I groaned. “Yes. Jimmy was shopping for a new watch and decided I needed one too. The first one he chose for me cost a thousand dollars! What am I going to do with some Swiss designer watch?”
“Lend it to your best friend?”
“I had to bargain him down to this sports watch. We were in Beverly Hills shopping and if I looked sideways at anything, he wanted to buy it for me. I get that he’s making a lot of money, but jeez.”
“I’m having trouble generating sympathy for this problem.” April snorted.
“You can’t buy love,” I said without originality.
“I’m willing to let men try.” April stood up. “I’m going to make tea. Do you want some?”
“Yes, please. Are there any chocolate chip cookies left?”
“Sorry, those of us who had to stay home while it rained all weekend called dibs on the cookies. I’m sure you were eating your way through the Michelin-starred restaurants of Los Angeles.”
“That’s the funny part. Jimmy knows restaurants in every NHL city, but they all seem to be these meat-emporiums where large men gather in herds.”
“Gosh, like a hockey team?” April emerged from the kitchen with tea and a few cookies. She was always watching her weight, so I figured there might still be some.
“Yay.” I bit into my cookie. “Am I the only person on the planet who welcomes Mondays? At least my life gets back to normal—unless Phil gets a night off soon.”
“I’m sensing that dating two extremely hot guys isn’t as much fun as you anticipated.”
“I never thought it would be a picnic, but I didn’t think it would be this bad.”
“What’s wrong?”
I groaned. “Well, first of all, I get the feeling that Jimmy wants to exhaust me on the weekends—either to impress me or to make sure I have no energy to see Phil. And then Phil is so competitive that he wants to up the ante on our dates, too. I’m always doing something big and important. You know what my dream date is? To sit on the couch, watch a movie, and eat popcorn. With cuddling.”
“What are you, ninety? I can’t believe you’re complaining that your social life is too exciting.”
“The other big problem is that both guys are not being themselves. I hate the way they’re acting.”
Jimmy was being too intense and kind of arrogant in his assumptions that I was going to choose him. He was never his sweet boyish self. Phil was acting too cool for school, and I had the sneaking feeling he was trying to manipulate my emotions. I liked him way better when he was relaxed and sincere. But how could I blame them? They were both so competitive, and this situation brought out the worst in them. I wasn’t being myself either. How could I be a real girlfriend to two different guys without feeling like a complete hypocrite?
“This was my worst idea ever,” I concluded.
“Yeah, I can see that. You’re like a loyal puppy, so it’s tough for you to switch owners.”
“Woof,” I said sadly. She was right. And I never got to relax with either guy. “I’m so frustrated. Sexually, I mean.”
“What? You and the hockey hottie aren’t doing it? You and smoking hot Phil Davidson aren’t even—” April was too shocked to finish.
“No, of course not. I couldn’t sleep with two guys at the same time, that would be totally icky.”
“Wait. You just stayed in some fabulous L.A. hotel and didn’t do it? I call shenanigans.”
“We had a suite. I slept on the pull-out.”
“And he let you?”
“Yes.” Not without some arguments, of course.
“But, Kelly, you have no self-control around sex. You and Phil did it during the Grade Twelve grad trip weekend. You somehow managed to have sex while you were dining out with James’s parents.”
“Oh my God, you knew what we did during the rafting trip?” I blushed bright red.
“Ha. I always suspected, and now you’ve confirmed it.” April chortled.
“Damn. I hate living with someone who knows me this well. What about you? I got the idea not to have sex from Ben.”
Her face went sour. “He still won’t have sex with me. I’m thinking of breaking up with him—again.”
“April, that’s nuts. You really like him. You love spending time with him. Why would you break up over that?” Plus it was my only successful fix-up ever.
“We’re not in the same place. He seems to think that dating should lead to something serious. It’s like we’re in the fifties or something.”
“It’s kind of ironic that a relationship without sex is more serious than one with sex.”
“Yes. But I’m too young to settle down.”
“He has a point though. I mean, not having sex with either guy makes me see what it’s like to spend time with them—without the whole haze of lust blurring my vision.”
April considered this. “So, if I love spending time with Ben, then it’ll be that much better with sex. But what if that’s not true? I want to test this hypothesis.”
“You know my theory. You hate giving up control, and with Ben you can’t control things.”
She sniffed. “Let’s get back to you. It’s been a month now. Just choose one, you can’t lose. I think you’ll be a lot happier.”
“Coin flip? Yeah, right.”
“Okay, choose Phil.”
“I know you like him better. But you’ve known him for years.”
“Also, I don’t want to be left with nine months on the lease and a crummy roomie.” April was smiling, so I hoped she was kidding. “Realistically, are you ready to quit work, leave everyone you know, and move to Chicago?”
“Yeah, it is a huge deal.” But I had to admit that being with Jimmy would be exciting. Ever since hockey ended, I wasn’t getting my adrenaline hit anywhere. Doing all this new stuff with him was fun, even if I ended up exhausted.
“If you move to Chicago, will you guys live together?”
“I guess. I won’t have a job right away, so I can’t pay rent.” However, I didn’t think it would be a big deal. We could live together, and if it didn’t work out, I’d move back. Jimmy was serious about us, but not marriage-serious.
“Maybe you should do a pros-and-cons list.” Without waiting for my answer, she grabbed a pen and paper.
“Okay, which one are you more attracted to?”
I considered this. All the work Jimmy put into his body certainly paid off. Yesterday, I had to avoid looking at his bare chest when we went swimming at the hotel pool, so I wouldn’t jump all over him. And there was something about his intensity that swept me up in his vortex.
On the other hand, Phil had this coiled quality like a cougar. I was the prey that he was ready to pounce on, and that wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. Phil was sexy in this way that made me feel both nervous and liquid.
“Both,” I replied.
“Yes, I figured that from the way you were drooling out of both sides of your mouth. Well, how about spending time together? Which guy is more fun to be with?”
Phil was more fun in the literal sense, like joking and laughing together. But Jimmy was more exciting because his life was on a higher plane and all about hockey.
“Both,” I repeated.
“Argh, Kelly. You’re not helping. Okay, new tactic: name the biggest flaw of each guy.”
This was easier. “Phil is too bossy. He’s always telling me what I should be doing. And Jimmy worries too much—he can be a real downer.”
“This is good. What about their best quality?”
There were so many things I liked about both of them. I admired Phil’s creativity; he was musical and inventive. He knew cool stuff for us to do or new bands to hear. He was interesting and complex. We could talk about so many different things. But that intelligence had a downside too. Phil had a detached quality, like he was smarter and cooler than me. He claimed he really liked me, but I felt he wasn’t completely invested.
With Jimmy, things seemed simpler. He was very determined, and it was reassuring how much he needed me. That was the way he was when he had a goal: he focused on it until he achieved it. So he was always telling me how we should be together and how good things would be. It was tough not to believe him.
But the truth was that both guys were so focused on winning that they didn’t even seem to notice me sometimes. I sighed, and April put down her paper.
“This doesn’t seem to be helping you at all, what’s wrong?”
“This is so dumb, but I really like both of them. And once I decide, I’m going to have to hurt someone’s feelings.”
“Breaking up is a part of life. Everyone goes through it. It’s more cruel to string guys along.” April was an expert at breaking up. Like Phil, nobody had ever broken up with her. But I knew how much getting dumped hurt.