James
On the way over to Kelly’s for dinner, I had a flash of worry. What if Davidson was there again, and she was going to make her decision? Once I got there, I was relieved to see there was only dinner for two people. She said that April had gone away for the weekend.
Kelly was wearing a yellow sundress that I really liked, and she looked so pretty. I handed her the flowers and wine I had brought. She thanked me and went to the kitchen to get a vase.
Her hair was up in a ponytail, and I kissed her on the back of the neck. “Smells delicious. And the food smells good too.”
She turned around and wrapped her arms around me. Her kiss was hard and urgent—almost like she was trying to communicate something. When I opened my eyes, she was watching me.
“What is it?” I asked her. She shook her head and turned back to the stove.
Kelly motioned with her head. “Can you open the wine for me? The opener is in the drawer.”
I pulled open the cutlery drawer, and it was a complete mess. I finally found the opener, uncorked the wine, and poured glasses for both of us. To my surprise, she took a huge swig and kept drinking the whole time she was finishing up the dinner. We took the dishes out and went to eat in the living room.
The dinner was really good. She had made some kind of stew dish that tasted Middle Eastern. There was a green salad and flatbread too.
“This is a great meal,” I told her. “I don’t know why you say you’re not a good cook.”
“I’m not. I got the main dish from April’s catering friend. All I did was heat it up.” She made a face and drank some more wine, and I was getting a little concerned. What was wrong with her?
We ate in silence for a minute, and then everything burst out of Kelly.
“You need a girlfriend who is a good cook. Who is good at the things women are supposed to be good at. Like cooking, cleaning, flirting, and getting dressed up. Like doing things for her man, loving to do anything for her man.”
“What are you talking about, Kelly?”
She looked at me, her forehead creased. “I’m talking about what you need, and what I don’t have.”
“I don’t care about that stuff. I want you. I don’t want anyone else.”
“The more I see about your life, the more I think I don’t fit into it. It took hours and a team of people to make me into the kind of girl you can take to the NHL awards. I can’t be the person supporting you and taking care of you—like your mom wants. I can’t be what you need, and I won’t ever be.”
I was taken aback at her words. “I don’t understand what you’re talking about. You’re beautiful all the time, but that doesn’t even matter. I want you—the way you help me is by listening and understanding everything. It’s what’s inside you that I care about. It’s easy enough to get a housekeeper, why do you even worry about that stuff?”
“I want to support you, Jimmy, but I’m worried that I can’t do it. You believe I can solve your problems magically by us being together, but they’re bigger than that. That night in Toronto was kind of scary. I think you need real help.”
I shook my head. I’d always been a worrier, and it was no big deal. Talking to Kelly and having sex with her were all I needed to relax. “You’re blowing this out of proportion. Anyone who achieves big things has to suffer through some tension and stress.”
“But that’s another thing—I can’t picture myself with you in Chicago. There’s nothing for me to do there. You’re too much—too famous and too rich. When I’m with you, I’m overwhelmed. You’re always sweeping me along like a tidal wave. I end up doing whatever you want, and there’s no me left.”
“Kelly, you can do what you want. You can volunteer. You can coach girls’ hockey. You can take classes. I know it’ll be harder for you, but what’s the alternative? You stay here and sit at a reception desk while stupid jerks come on to you? To me, that’s the bigger waste. You were meant for better things.”
She kept shaking her head, but she didn’t say anything else. I put the plates aside and pulled her close to me.
“Why are you throwing up all these barriers? I love you, Kelly. You’re the one I want in my life, in my corner. It’s not up to you to say what kind of girl I need. I know what I want and she’s right here.”
Kelly leaned her head against my chest, but she didn’t say a word.
Then a thought struck me. “It’s not him, is it? You can’t be choosing him over me!” That seemed impossible. I was better than him in every way. And I knew Kelly. Throughout everything that had happened this summer, I was certain she was going to choose me. We were so connected, we always had been, and we always would be. That was why I came back and why I went through all this stupid crap.
“Ground rules,” she whispered, barely able to get the words out.
No. This could not be. I felt a whirling rage inside me that Kelly could be so blind to everything we had between us. I pushed her away from me and got up. I walked to the door and searched blindly for my keys and wallet. Then I looked back at Kelly. She was huddled on the couch, her arms tightly wrapped around her knees. She was watching me, and her expression was lost and sad.
I took a breath and tried to calm down. I went back and sat beside her, close but not touching.
“I can’t go. I don’t want to leave you like this.”
“It’s okay,” she said. “It’s my own fault. I’m so sorry to hurt you, really.”
I opened and closed my mouth twice, before I could figure out what to say. “I thought you loved me, Kelly. You’ve never said it, but it was something I was sure about. Was I wrong?”
She took my hand in both of hers and caressed it. “I do love you. I’m sorry I’ve never told you at a time when it could mean something happy. If it could be the two of us—alone somewhere—we could be happy, I’m sure of that. There’s just so much other stuff.”
I shook my head. I wanted to be angry at her, but I couldn’t. I had no idea what was going on in her head, but everything felt wrong. Again I felt that desperation at the idea of ending things this way.
“Can it be just the two of us? Tonight? Kelly, let me stay and have one more night with you.”
It took her so long to reply. She must have been thinking about what could happen if I stayed. Finally she nodded, put her arms around me.
“Nothing will change though,” she said, and I nodded. Then she kissed me.
Usually when we kissed, I closed my eyes and tried to feel it all inside, feel the connections and the sensations. But now I kept looking at her, trying to memorize all her features and every detail of her. The way her dark brown hair flipped back from her beautiful face, her straight eyebrows, her long lashes. I loved the few freckles she had, almost like a tiny imperfection on her skin, the little mole on her cheek, her full, flushed mouth, and her perfect teeth. I wanted to remember every detail and keep it inside me.
I picked her up and took her to her bedroom. Her body felt so light in my arms as she laid her head against me. We got inside, and I put her down and shut the door. She stood in the centre of the room, and I went up behind her. I pulled the sweater off her shoulders and then untied the top of her halter. Her dress fell down to her waist, and I kissed her bare back, starting from her neck and moving down her spine. Kelly’s skin was warm and slightly scented, something new this time, a sweet vanilla smell. She was going to change—going to keep on changing—but I wouldn’t ever know. When I got to the small of her back, I knelt down and laid my head against the dip where her hips began. I loved that part of her—loved watching her walk away naked and seeing that dip.
Kelly turned around and my head was against her hipbones, and she reached down and stroked my hair. Maybe she was feeling sorry for me, but I was happy. I was with Kelly now, and I was going to stop worrying and enjoy everything. Just like she had always told me to.
I reached behind and unzipped her dress, and it fell to the floor. She stood before me, wearing only a pair of lacy bikini panties, yellow like her dress. I ran my hands down her sides, feeling her like Braille. I kissed her stomach, and I reached up to cup her tits. She was so quiet, I didn’t know if she was even enjoying this. My breath was hot over the thin lace covering her, and I bit at her through the fabric.
She finally spoke, “Oh yes, Jimmy.”
It was funny, but she was the only one who still called me that, my name from hockey camp and from when I was a kid. I had been a teenager when I met her, and maybe I had never caught up.
I lifted her gently and laid her on the bed. I undressed quickly and came over to her on the bed. Now she was looking over me as if she wanted to memorize everything.
“You’re so beautiful,” Kelly said.
I laughed. It was a funny thing to say to a guy.
I pulled off her panties, and we started to make out in this very intense way, kissing hard and running our hands all over each other’s bodies. I was already excited, and when I spread her legs, she said not a word and let me enter her the way I liked it, no protection, skin to skin. I got the feeling that she would let me do anything tonight, say yes to anything because she couldn’t say yes to what I really wanted.
At first we did it missionary, fast and rocking. I could see her face, her lips moving but no sound coming out.
“Feels so good,” she said, her breathing fast and loud.
I held her by the hips and flipped her, so she was on top. We moved smoothly, because we already knew each other’s bodies so well. I loved it this way, and Kelly knew it. She started squeezing and lifting, just like I wanted her to. Her tits were right over me, so I reached up to hold on for the ride. She kept changing up the pace, and then when she heard me start to groan, she went really fast. I opened my eyes and looked at her. Her hair was flying. She was biting her lip, and her eyes were closed, and I could tell she was feeling it. I pushed up my hips and made one final, hard thrust into her.
As I came inside her, I had a weird thought. I wanted to get her pregnant. Suddenly I wished that my sperm weren’t totally wasted, that the little guys were swimming upstream and accomplishing their mission in life.
And a few minutes later, when we were lying together, holding each other tightly, I told her what I was thinking. “Our kids would be awesome you know. They would go straight to the NHL.”
Kelly laughed. “Unless they got my shooting skills.”
“We should have kids, Kelly. We were meant to be together.” That sounded so desperate, but it popped out.
“Oh, stop it. Be in the now for once.”
“You never want to think ahead,” I answered.
“That’s so untrue.” She looked so sad that I felt terrible for ruining the mood.
“I’m sorry, baby.”
Kelly turned her head away. “Let’s not do this. Let’s not keep on arguing. I’ve made up my mind, and that’s that.”
She was quiet for a moment, and then she turned back and put a soft hand on my cheek. She smiled, her beautiful smile, and looked at me, her brown eyes full of sympathy and love. Whatever she might say, whatever she might do, I knew that she loved me—best. But this realization only made me feel worse, like my lifestyle would always hang between us. Like we’d both have to settle for second best because she was too afraid to take a chance. I had always thought Kelly was too impulsive, but this was the dumbest time to play things safe. I wanted so much to convince her of this and make her see things the way I did. But she wanted me to respect her decision, so I didn’t say a word.
Kelly spoke, her voice husky and soft, a voice I heard in my dreams—would hear forever. “This is it, tonight is our last night together. Let’s make it awesome.”
So we did.