My girlfriends were right. The only excuse that a guy would accept was another guy. While I hated hurting Jimmy’s feelings, I knew what he was like. He was into achieving his goals, and along the way, I had become one of them. He needed to find a girlfriend better suited to his new lifestyle, and the only way for that to happen was to let him believe I had moved on. Otherwise, he’d keep trying to convince me that things could work out.
Should I have slept with him last night? No. But I wanted to—so much. Of course it was fantastic, and that had made our parting even more difficult. Saying goodbye and watching the door close behind him—for the very last time—was agonizing. I stayed strong though. Now that he knew things were over, we wouldn’t see each other again. And we’d never cross paths by accident; he was too big a deal to even come to the radio station for an interview. As painful as this was, I knew it was the right thing.
One down and one to go.
Now I had to break up with Phil as well, but I couldn’t use the same approach. We lived in the same city and had so many friends in common that there was no way to avoid each other. This time I’d have to use the truth—and that was going to be a harder sell.
Since I was so nervous, I suggested that we go for a walk along False Creek. If we kept moving, I would feel more comfortable.
“So, how’s everything?” I asked him.
“What’s up, Kel?” he asked. As usual, he could read my mood.
“I’ve made up my mind,” I told him.
His eyes narrowed. “No fucking way. You’re going to Chicago?”
“No, not that.”
Now he looked puzzled. He made a tentative move to put his arms around me, but stopped. “If it’s good news, why are you acting so weird?”
“Phil, I can’t be with you either. I just want to be alone right now.”
“Alone? This was all your idea, and now you’re changing the rules. You’re going to have to explain this to me.” Phil didn’t seem angry, only confused.
“Well, take our game the other night. I realized that I’d rather be playing hockey and enjoying the game—not having to deal with all the drama and….” I made air quotes. “…‘feelings’ that you and Jimmy were generating. I hate all this emotional crap. The whole idea that women are the ones who want to get serious and committed is a crock. It’s guys who always want to tie you down. I’m sick of it.”
“You’re sounding pretty militant, Sparky.” Phil wore a puzzled frown. “You’re right though. I have to admit I’ve acted like an idiot in the past few months. I’ve been working a ton, and I’ve been jealous.” He stopped and put his hands on my shoulders. I looked up at him and he smiled.
“Can we start again? Just the two of us—dating like we used to. I’ll be on my best behaviour.”
He leaned down to kiss me, but I put my hands against his chest. “No. Are you not listening to me? I don’t want a boyfriend right now.” I tried hard to explain why. “I need to work and feel like I can take care of myself.”
Phil raised an eyebrow. “I think you can handle being a receptionist and dating.”
“Gee, thanks. I know it’s not a good job, but it’s my start.”
It might take a year, but if I could get the internship position, that would be my first step up. What I craved was independence. I could see that money gave both Jimmy and Phil lots of options. I wasn’t making a ton of money, but I was good at saving. I could start paying down my student loans anyway.
“Look, Kelly, if you’re going to stay in Vancouver anyway, why don’t we go out?”
“No. What would be the point?”
“The point is that I don’t think you really know your mind. We haven’t had a real relationship yet—the physical side is huge for you. Why don’t we try that first, and then you can make up your mind.” This was typical; if I had said I was choosing Jimmy, Phil would have accepted it. But if I said I wanted to be alone, he couldn’t believe it.
“See, this is our problem. You think you know better than me all the time. I’ve changed since high school, but you never seem to get that. The point of dating both of you was to make up my mind. And I have—just not in the way anyone was expecting.”
“All you have to do is talk to me. I can step back if you think I’m too bossy. I do appreciate you, and I can change.” Phil sounded apologetic, but I could tell that he still wasn’t hearing me. And that feeling of pressure made me more certain I was doing the right thing.
“I’m really sorry, but it’s not going to work. Nothing is turning out the way I hoped it would. And if it’s any consolation, I’m miserable about this.”
He cradled my face in his hands. “That’s not a consolation, Kel. I want you to be happy.” The gentle note in his voice lowered my defences, and I stayed still as his face moved closer to mine. His kiss began softly and then became demanding, pulling a familiar desire from within me. My mouth responded automatically to his, and a liquid heat began to bubble up between us. Phil’s kiss took me back to all those times in his basement when sex was new and wondrous.
We kept kissing right in the middle of the footpath, until a runner suggested we get the hell out of the way.
Breathless, I sat down on a nearby bench, and Phil followed.
“You can’t deny what we have between us,” he said.
“Of course I’m attracted to you. You didn’t have to kiss me to prove that.”
Phil put his arm around me. “Then, what? You’re the woman I love, Kelly. And I’m pretty sure that you feel the same….” His voice trailed off, and he watched me closely as I nodded.
However, Phil didn’t understand. I did love him, but I loved Jimmy more. But Jimmy was so complicated; he had issues I couldn’t deal with. He was changing and getting bigger and more demanding all the time. His personality and lifestyle felt overwhelming, and I didn’t think I could handle all the crap that came with being his girlfriend. It was self-preservation.
Phil and I had loads of fun together, but it seemed like so much of the same thing—a continuation of what we’d always had. I liked the excitement and newness of being with Jimmy. After everything I had done and accomplished since high school, I didn’t want to come home and be exactly what I could have been if I’d never left. I wanted more. I had to make Phil understand this.
“Don’t you think I would pick you if I could? We’re perfect together. We have the same friends and the same history. I wouldn’t have to quit my job and turn my life upside down—we could just date and have fun. And yes, the sex would be incredible. But I can’t choose you, Phil. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us.”
He stared at me for a long moment. Phil was the smartest person I knew, and suddenly everything clicked into place for him. “Oh Christ, I think I’m getting it now. But if you’re so into him, why didn’t you go to Chicago?”
I shrugged. “Weirdly, I don’t think I’m what he needs, and more importantly, I don’t think he’s the same person he used to be.”
At the end of the day, that was it. Being in the NHL had changed Jimmy a lot. He was willing to come out here and put up with my request to get to know each other again. But he never even considered the possibility that he might lose me, that a normal guy like Phil could ever be his rival. It was that overconfidence, that arrogance that I hated. He was a different person now, more sophisticated, more confident, and more complicated. He needed a girlfriend who could navigate the whole Chicago scene with him, not—as I had been told—someone as naïve and innocent as me.
But, logically, knowing all that didn’t mean I wasn’t still into him. So much so that even though I understood that Phil was the better match for me—I still preferred Jimmy. And I couldn’t do that to Phil. He deserved someone who could love and appreciate him wholeheartedly. It seemed like both guys needed someone who was not me.
I was so deep in thought that I hadn’t seen the transformation as Phil took everything in. His posture was slightly slumped, and he was looking off into the distance with a strange uncertainty about him. Instinctively, I put my arms around his waist and hugged him.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered into the hollow at the base of his throat.
Phil wrapped his arms around me. “We were meant to be together.” His voice dropped to a hoarse whisper. “Please, Kel. I’ve loved you for so long—almost since the day I saw you. There’s never been anyone who comes close to you.”
I was shaking my head, but when I looked up I could see everything that Phil was feeling in his face. He was usually so controlled and distant, but everything had fallen away and I could see the pain I was causing him. I didn’t know I could feel worse than I had this morning—but now I did. Phil had been so good to me for so long and had been my best friend forever. Now not only had I hurt him deeply, but I realized that I was losing his friendship too. We could never get past my refusal.
“Oh God, Phil. I’m so sorry. I love you, really, and I always will. But you deserve more—” I stopped as hot tears flooded my eyes. Now it was Phil who held me and patted my back until the sobbing stopped. Finally he released me.
“Good luck with everything, Kel,” he said in a voice that was almost back to normal. And he got up and walked away.