James
I woke up on the couch. My head hurt, and my mouth was dry. I really shouldn’t have been drinking so much during the season, even if I had a day off. It wasn’t the drinking I did at Baller’s as much as afterwards.
Oh God.
Last night flooded back into my mind—everything I had told Kelly. I tore into the bedroom but she wasn’t there. Panicking, I finally found her sleeping in the guest room. Her dark hair was a tangle, and her face looked pale.
I leaned over her on the bed.
“Kelly?”
She opened her eyes and gave me a sleepy smile. Relief rushed through me. Then her eyes opened wider and her face shut down completely.
“Oh, I’m so sorry. I was drinking that night, it was stupid, but you know it was a total a one-off. That will never happen again. I can get a new roommate on the road. I won’t hang out with Wheels anymore.”
Her face remained expressionless, and I waited for her reaction.
“Are you gay?” she asked.
“What are you talking about? No!”
“A three-way with another guy, that’s gay.” Why was Kelly dwelling on this part? It was so weird, and I was thrown off balance.
“It’s not gay. Lots of guys do it. Anyway, I didn’t do anything with Wheels.”
Kelly sat up in bed. “But, Leo Axelsson. He’s kind of a manwhore. And you’ve been having unprotected sex with me. You were exposing me to lots of risks.”
I could reassure her on that count. From the moment I had woken up that morning, all I thought about was how to keep Kelly safe—from any repercussions. “That’s not true. I protected you. I wouldn’t have sex with you until I heard from the doctor that everything was fine.”
She scowled at me, and her fiery temper flared up. “You’re the one who begged me to come here. Who told me how much he needed me. We haven’t even been together for one fucking year!”
“Kelly, stop it.” I reached out and wrapped my arms around her, holding tighter when she tried pull away. “I love you. I do need you. I made one mistake, one slip in judgement, can’t you just forgive me and we can put it behind us? I’m not into guys or other women. I’m just into you. Our sex life is awesome, you know it, you love it too. You’re the perfect girlfriend. Everyone loves you—my parents, my teammates, the team management. We were meant to be together.”
“Let go of me,” she demanded. Once I released her, she scrambled to the other side of the bed, like she was afraid of me. “If our sex life is so awesome, why did you have sex with someone else?”
How could I explain this to her? It wasn’t about sex itself. J.J. and Wheels had been riding me, telling me that a captain needed to be more sociable off the ice too. They said I shouldn’t be so tightly wound and I should let off more steam. Wheels pushed my buttons all the time, and usually I blew him off. But after three losses, I began to wonder if I needed to change things up. I was tired of always being the boring, predictable guy.
We were out at a bar, and I started talking to this chick. She was cute and kept laughing at my jokes and stuff. I bought her and her friends a few rounds of drinks. But that was it. I figured I had shown the guys that I could party and score on the road—if I wanted. I didn’t want to sleep with her because I was always nervous about STDs or worse. J.J. told me that he had once gotten involved with some chick who told him she was pregnant. It turned out to be a scam, but I didn’t need worries like that on top of everything else.
But Wheels said that after I left, she had begged him to take her up to our room. He did it for a joke, but once she got inside, she was crazy hot and then everything happened. It was stupid and not even that great. Nowhere near as good as what I had with Kelly.
Afterwards, she left right away and I felt terrible. I begged Wheels not to talk about it because I was worried that it would get back to Kelly. He told me I was whipped, but he kept his mouth shut. So even after I’d done something crazy, my boring rep stayed the same.
“It meant nothing to me. I told you, I was drunk. It was just sex.”
She laughed harshly. “But Jimmy, I’m just sex to you too. You need to fuck me to get to sleep on nights when you’re anxious. You make me dress up in lingerie and makeup and treat me like your little sex toy. If you lose a game, all I can do to help is get you off. So if sex means nothing to you, neither do I.”
“That’s ridiculous. We talk all the time. We love each other.”
Was that how she saw herself? I never saw her that way. I needed her more than ever. How was I going to face the stress of our first playoffs without Kelly on my side? She wouldn’t leave, would she? She still had classes. And where would she even go? I was panicking at the thought of separating. Then I remembered what J.J. had said that all women really wanted.
“You know what, let me prove how much I love you. Do you want to get engaged? We could go out today and get a ring. That would prove my commitment to you, right? Let’s do it.”
“You are a piece of work. Do you think a ring proves anything? I would never marry you. I can’t trust you.”
“What I did is nothing compared to some guys. Some guys are married with kids and doing women on the road every trip. There’s so much temptation out there. I’ve had so many chances and I’ve never cheated before, and I never will again.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Kelly, it’s true. And you gotta know the pressure I’m under. I have to be the leader, right? Some of the guys got on me because I’m always going to bed early and not coming out with them. So, I went out, you know, for the team. I feel terrible about this, but now that it’s come out—it’s better. We can move on.”
“Move on? There’s only one person moving on, and that’s me.”
“Where would you go?” I knew she had no place to go. She had no job and no money.
She faltered a bit. “I don’t know yet. But I’m not staying here. We are over. Done. I know that guys on the team fool around, and their girlfriends forgive them. Maybe next time you can find one of those girls.”
Kelly walked swiftly out of the room. By the time I followed her, she had locked the door of the master bedroom and I could hear her slamming drawers.
I pounded on the door. “Kelly, let me in.”
“Fuck off,” she called back. I knew she was swearing to get back at me. I could hear her talking on the phone. Should I break down the door? It was solid wood, so that wasn’t going to be easy. And there would be a lot to explain later. I leaned my hands against the doorframe and waited. What else could I do to change her mind?
“You don’t have to move out. I’m worried about you. You can stay in one of the guest rooms. I promise I won’t bother you.”
Ten minutes later, she finally opened the door. The room was a mess with stuff tossed everywhere. She had her big suitcase and she tried to blow by me, but I held on to her.
“Please, don’t go. I love you, Kelly. I love you so much.”
“Fucking other women doesn’t demonstrate love. Let go of me.”
“Not until you tell me where you’re going. I want to know you’re safe.”
“What happens to me is not your concern any more.”
“Please. I’ll drive you wherever you want.” I couldn’t bear to have her leave me and not know anything. A million bad things could happen to her. “You’re staying in Chicago, right? You’ve gotta finish your course after how hard you’ve worked. Did you want to stay with Maddy or Ty? That’ll be fine with me—I won’t bother you there.”
“Stop it, Jimmy. You can’t control me anymore.” Her words sounded tough, but she looked tiny and vulnerable. Her face looked defeated.
“Is it wrong to want to protect you? You’re so beautiful and trusting, I can’t help but worry. Please, I’ll hang around your school to make sure you’re okay if I can’t reach you any other way.”
She scowled at me. “You are exactly the obsessive type of person to do that. If I tell you where I’m staying, will you promise not to try to see me or contact me?”
I shook my head. “We have to talk. You need time, and then you’ll change your mind.”
“Okay. How about you leave me alone, or I go to some crappy online hockey blogger and tell him the whole story of how my ex-boyfriend, upstanding captain of the Blackhawks, had a three-way with the top rookie on his team? And some chick.”
Shocked, I let go of her. Kelly wouldn’t really do that, would she? Anyway, she didn’t have any proof.
She was watching me with narrowed eyes. “Is that a deal? Don’t call me. Don’t try to see me. Don’t write to me. Nothing. I never want to hear from you again.”
Then she walked away. I slid down the wall onto the smooth wood floor. I could hear her getting her hockey bag from the storage space. I could hear her firm footsteps walking down the hallway, then through the front door, and out of my life forever.