Phil
Cautiously optimistic.
Those were the doctor’s words after my mom’s operation. He thought he had removed all the tumours. Next she’d have to go for chemo, but he was cautiously optimistic that she could be cancer-free at some point. He made no guarantees of course, but overall the outcome was much better than we had expected.
I watched my dad’s face. Relief took over from the worry and tension that had been etched there. Our home wasn’t exactly a hotbed of demonstrative affection, but in a crisis, my family came together. My dad depended on my mother more than I had ever realized.
Afterwards, I went for a nice lunch with my father and my brother. For the first time in weeks, my senses were awakening. I could see the sparkling sunlight, smell the fresh bread, and hear the din from the kitchen. The seafood linguini was the best I’d ever tasted—salty, lightly spiced, with perfectly al dente pasta. We polished off a bottle of wine and told stories about my mother’s crazy adventures. She was the strongest woman I knew. I could feel that tightness in my stomach loosening. It was like I had been underwater and I was rising to the surface.
After lunch, I decided to take a walk by myself in the sunshine. I texted Kelly to let her know the good news, then kept walking and meditating on life. Ironically, although I had spent so long wishing for Kelly to reappear in my life, all this week I had too much on my mind to even process her presence. But now that my mom was getting better, I could finally think about us.
At the wedding, Kelly had explained that the asshole cheated on her. I had hardly processed that information then. But I realized what a huge betrayal that had been for someone as loyal as Kelly. And her experience had left her marked.
Now we had a week of “fun times” planned. Kelly was in her element when she was being helpful. We weren’t dating and there was nothing romantic about us hanging out, but still—we were at least together.
For my week off work, I got into a routine. I spent the days at the hospital with my mom, retreating to a nearby Starbucks to work when she napped or had medical procedures. Then I went out with Kelly every night and reported those excursions back to my mother the next day. On Saturday, when she was being discharged, Kelly came along to help us. She said she could take care of any “female” things, but I knew it was her big heart that made her do all this. She was always sympathetic and giving, and now it was my turn to be on the receiving end of her kindness.
I drove her back from my parents’ place. She invited me in, and I got to see the famous basement suite.
It was unbelievably tiny. She had a single bed against one wall, a couch, and a white coffee table. The white walls had been freshly painted, but that couldn’t disguise the fact that there was hardly any natural light, and you could see people’s feet walking by the tiny window. The kitchen was a miniature sink, an under-the-counter fridge and a two-burner stove, with a small counter ledge separating it from the main room. There was a tiny bathroom in a strange green colour and a closet jammed full of stuff. Her hockey bag was under the bed, and her hockey sticks decorated one corner.
“Isn’t it nice?” she asked, apparently without irony.
“Nice? Kelly, it’s kind of a shithole.”
“I know, but it’s my shithole. I pay the rent, and I call the shots here.”
“Isn’t this a big contrast from the last place you lived?”
“I’d rather live here on my own nickel than in some gilded cage.”
“Then it’s great.” I wasn’t arguing. “Wasn’t that couch at Ben’s place before?” I thought I recognized the ugly striped pattern.
“Yeah, April made him get rid of it. She’s going to sew a white slipcover for me when she gets back from her honeymoon. And I got the coffee table at a garage sale and painted it.”
I looked at the tiny single bed. Clearly, she wasn’t getting any action in that bed unless she was dating midgets or contortionists. She saw me staring and blushed a bit.
“It’s my old bed from home. It’s not like I could fit a bigger bed, and that one is fine—for my needs.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means I’m not going to be dating or, you know, anything else.” It was funny how Kelly could be so uninhibited in bed and yet unable to mention sex in conversation.
A fat tabby cat appeared from under the bed and rubbed up against my legs. I bent down to pet him.
“Hey, Gino.” I looked up, and Kelly was beaming at me. I couldn’t help smiling in return. “You got your cat back?”
“Yeah, he wasn’t too impressed. He was staying in cat paradise. Martha had cat perches everywhere, a cat water fountain, and zillions of cat toys. I suspect she’s also a catnip dealer.” She rubbed Gino’s back. “But I love him—which has to count for something, right, sweetie?”
It would for me. Now that my mind was clear, I could see her better. Kelly was in pain, and that broke open something in me.
“Did you want a drink or something to eat?”
“Sure, a water would be great.”
She got us both glasses of ice water and sat down on her bed. Gino immediately jumped into her lap and started purring. He wasn’t that unhappy here.
I reached over and took Kelly’s hand.
“Thank you for everything, Kel. You’ve been great.”
She shook her head. “I haven’t done anything. I’ll keep visiting for sure. If that’s what Greta wants.”
“I’m sure she does. I can bring you when I drive out there.”
“I think she was happy to see you going out and having fun.”
“Then you’ll need to keep planning fun things for us to do.”
“Oh, playing the sick mother card, are we?” She laughed, but like everything about her, the laugh wasn’t quite right. She was marked by unhappiness. Most people wouldn’t notice, but I knew her so well.
“Kelly, now that I don’t have to worry about my mom as much, I can think about us.”
She pulled her hand out of mine. “Phil, wait. I am not anywhere ready to date. I’m still kind of an emotional basket case.”
“Hey, I’m not blind. But I’m not going to play games with you. I want us to go out, but I’m willing to hang out until you’re ready.” Like I did before. I was willing to wait for Kelly because she was so special to me.
Kelly let out a big sigh. “Who knows when I’ll be ready?”
“We’ve been having fun, right? We’ll keep on doing active stuff, that’s all for now.”
“Phil, it doesn’t seem fair to you. It could be months.”
“Can I say one thing? You’ve been incredibly generous this week, to me and my mom.”
She ducked her head. “It’s not a big deal, anyone would do it.”
“It’s not a one-way street. You need to accept help too. Now that I’m feeling better, I want to give that to you.”
Kelly shook her head. “I’m fine. I’ve got a great job and a nice place to live.” She rubbed Gino’s belly. “And a cat. I’m all set to be a single woman.”
But she wasn’t fine. She was like a watercolour version of Kelly. She didn’t have the same snap and energy—she was almost delicate. What struck me most was how her sunny optimism was gone, like she realized that life could kick your ass and now she expected the worst. All thanks to Frechette.
Yet at the same time, there was a vulnerability about her now that wasn’t there before. She was always so fiercely independent and almost prickly about letting people in. Needing help made her more attractive. It wasn’t that I wanted to rescue her, as Emily had suggested; only that I wanted to support Kelly. For so long, I waited helplessly while I knew something was wrong, and now I could actually do something. The real Kelly was fearless, goofy, enthusiastic, pretty much the opposite of how she was now.
“You’ve told me before that you don’t like it when I manipulate you. So, I’m trying to change. I could hang around and pretend we’re just friends in the hopes that you’ll eventually give in—” I held her hand again. “To our incredible sexual attraction.”
Kelly laughed and shook her head. Was the heat I felt only one-sided?
I continued, “But I’m not going to do that. I’ll respect whatever boundaries you want to put in place, but I’m being completely honest with you. I want to be your boyfriend—for real.”
She closed her eyes and a deep, soundless shudder went through her body.
“I feel like I need to be alone. To find out who I really am.”
“Kelly, in other circumstances, I’d agree with you. But April’s just gotten married, and your parents are away for the rest of the year. You’re way too alone already. We had a lot of fun this week, right?”
She nodded. I clasped her hand in both of mine and caressed it.
“Then why not hang out?”
A number of expressions ran over her face. Mainly she looked scared, but then determined. “Maybe you’re right. Why shouldn’t we do stuff? Once you go back to work, we’ll be lucky to get together twice a week.”
Nope. This time I was prioritizing what was really important to me. I’d go into work at 5:00am if it meant spending more time with Kelly. “Great. Want to go out for dinner now?”
“Sure, but someplace cheap. Actually, there’s a Vietnamese place that’s not far. We could walk there, and I could do a little grocery shopping on the way.”
At dinner, Kelly ordered a big bowl of pho with seafood, and I had the same. Once we started eating, she seemed to perk up.
“Man, I missed places like this when I was in Chicago. We went out to all these expensive steakhouses and the portions were enormous. Maddy and I used to split one order.”
“Maddy?”
“Yeah, she was my best friend. Her boyfriend is Ian MacEwan. I don’t talk to anyone anymore. I think it’s just better to make a clean break.”
“Was it awkward when the team was in Vancouver?” The Blackhawks had defeated the Canucks during the second round of the playoffs, and I wondered if Frechette had tried to call her or get back together.
She scowled. “Only awkward in that I had to go to work and see his face larger than life on every frigging television in the place. They’re lucky I didn’t throw something through the screen.” Then she smiled. “Of course, once they won, everyone in town hated him too. That was nice.”
She seemed to be harbouring a ton of hostility. “Did you want to talk about all this shit? You know, get it off your chest.” Then I made the mistake of looking down at her chest. Under her denim shirt, I could remember exactly what Kelly looked like naked.
“No. Reliving what happened is the last thing I want to do.”
“Okay. How’s work going?”
“It’s fantastic.” She brightened up immediately. “I have an amazing boss. Right now I’m working in the sales department. I bribe my way into client presentations by doing everyone’s expense reports.”
“That doesn’t sound right,” I said.
“Silly Phil. Once you hand over your expense reports, I own you. I know exactly what the guys have been doing—where and when and if they’re legitimately working. I learnt that back in my radio days.”
I laughed. Working-Kelly was a lot tougher than I expected.
“At least you’re getting paid. I know a few interns who are working for free.”
“I’m lucky. It’s a great job and the salary isn’t terrible.”
“Maybe you could afford a new apartment.”
“And leave my beloved dungeon? Besides, I racked up a few debts, and I need to save up.”
“You’ve changed a lot,” I said.
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve grown up a lot. It’s strange, I’ve known you for so long and now I feel like I need to get to know you all over again.”
She shrugged. “Essentially, I’m still the same person. I’m not as childish and naïve.”
I reached across and held her hand. She twitched once, but left her hand there. “Childlike is good though. Don’t lose that.”
She smiled at me. Things between us would take time, but I was cautiously optimistic.