Anthony was pissed. He was hungover, tired and not in the mood to deal with Gabe's petty little temper tantrums. After all, Gabe had kissed him first. Why was he suddenly acting like this whole ordeal was Anthony’s fault? Opening the door to his truck, he climbed in and shut the door behind him. He pounded his fist against the wheel and screamed out his frustrations, not caring who heard him.
Gabe needed to realize that he was gay. He was going to have to come to terms with it. Otherwise, it was going to kill the guy if he didn't, and likely drag Anthony along with him. Why was Anthony so concerned with Gabe's well-being? Why didn't he just cut his losses and run far, far away? As he sat in his truck, all screamed out, he knew that he couldn't. Wouldn't. There was no rational way he could explain it to himself, but he knew that he couldn't.
And he hated that it wasn't as easy as just cutting ties and bugging out. In a way, he hated Gabe for doing this to him. This hot and cold relationship was driving Anthony crazy.
After everything that had happened within the last twenty four hours, Anthony really needed someone to talk to. And the only person besides Gabe that would be up for listening was someone he hadn't talked to in a long while. Feeling bad, he dialed up Sean's number, forgetting what time it was.
Sean answered on the first ring. “God, Tony. I've been worried sick about you,” he said. “How the hell have you been?”
And just like that, things felt okay for a moment. Just hearing an old friend's voice after such a long absence, and hearing that he forgave him for said absence was even better.
“I've been better,” he answered, truthfully. In that moment, he felt like shit. “I'm sorry I haven't been in touch, I've had a lot on my plate.”
“Hush, man,” Sean said. “It's water under the bridge. After what happened that night, I don't blame you for wanting to take some time to yourself.”
And all this time, Anthony feared he wouldn't understand. He should have called sooner, he really should have. Leaving a friend hanging like that was not cool and he knew it. Seeing the sun barely peeking over the horizon, it occurred to him how early it was.
“Shit. I didn't realize how early is was,” Anthony said. “I didn't wake you, did I?”
“Nah,” Sean said with a laugh. “It's not early though. It's late. The party just ended an hour ago. What are you doing up so early?”
The party? Oh yeah, that event Sean invited him too. He shook his head and felt guilty all over again.
“It's a long story,” Anthony grumbled. He hadn't told Sean about everything going on.
“Sounds like something we should talk about over breakfast,” Sean said. “Where ya at, man?”
Anthony told him he was in West Hollywood and they made plans to meet up at an IHOP nearby. Nothing fancy, but it would get the job done. Besides, he wasn't going to breakfast to eat pancakes, it was for the conversation anyway.
Feeling slightly heartened by the fact that Sean bore no grudge and was dropping everything to see him, Anthony hung up, started his car and headed out.
As soon as Anthony saw Sean step into the restaurant, he was glad he'd given the guy a call. He stood up and embraced his old friend tightly.
“Man, what happened to you?” Sean asked. “You look like something I shit out last night.”
“Oh yeah? You're not looking much better, my friend,” Anthony said with a laugh.
Sean's dark hair, which was naturally red, was tousled and not in the usual sexy way. His face was paler than normal too, making his freckles stand out a little more than usual. Sean had also lost a significant amount of weight – and he wasn't a big guy in the first place. Most of what he'd lost appeared to be muscle. Dark bags had formed beneath his eyes, most likely from partying too hard and not sleeping nearly enough. It was what the lifestyle did to you. Which was one reason Anthony was long done with it.
“What can I say? I like to live it up,” Sean said with a smile.
They were led to their booth by an older woman who didn't look pleased to be there. She gave them their menus and rushed off without saying much of anything.
“That you do,” Anthony said, sipping the water their waitress had dropped off prior to exiting. “Another long night of partying, I see.”
“Yeah,” Sean said, leaning back in the booth.
He had some new tattoos covering his arms. While Anthony had nothing against tattoos, these were poorly done. It looked like someone had gotten some practice in on his friend there – and that person should consider retiring pronto. But Anthony said nothing about it. What good would it do now?
“You should have been there, man,” Sean said, “It was epic.”
Every party with Sean was epic. And Anthony remembered those long nights of getting stoned off their asses, having sex several times a night, and not getting any sleep for days. At the time, it was the life, it was the epitome of fun. Anthony had felt like he was living the high life. But not anymore. Nothing about any of that appealed to him anymore.
“Nah, that life isn't for me,” Anthony said, pretending to look over the menu. “I've had my fun, but I'm ready for new things. New experiences.”
Drug-free experiences, he thought raising his brow.
Sean shook his head. “I get it. I just miss you, that's all,” he said. “And honestly, it looks like you just got back from a pretty heavy bender yourself. Rough night?”
“Yeah, you could say that,” Anthony said. “Had a bit too much to drink with a friend.”
He didn't tell Sean that it was a wrap party or about any of that. He didn't want his old life and new life to mingle too much. Besides, it would make for an awkward transition anyway. Best to just to keep it simple.
“Oh, so you haven't given up all the vices, I see,” Sean said. “And here I thought you went soft on me, old man.”
“I'm thinking I probably should give up drinking. After last night, that is,” Anthony mumbled. “I'm feeling really ragged today.”
“Dude, no way. You have to have at least one escape from reality,” Sean said.
“But I think I stepped way too far out of reality last night,” Anthony said, still pretending to read the menu. Their waitress had still not made an appearance and suddenly his stomach was growling, asking for some pancakes. “I kissed someone I really shouldn't have last night, Sean.”
Sean reacted with mock surprise, eyes wide and a large gasp from his throat. “Oh no, Tony. That sounds terrible.”
Anthony rolled his eyes and chuckled a little at the sarcasm dripping from Sean's tongue. But of course, no, he didn't get it.
“This guy isn't gay. Or he claims he isn't. He's a friend – someone I've grown to like, actually. And things got a little heated last night. I should’ve controlled myself better.”
“Did he kiss you back?” Sean asked matter-of-factly.
“He kinda kissed me first,” Anthony said, biting his lip and keeping his gaze glued to the menu.
“So let me get this straight,” Sean said with a laugh. “No pun intended. Some dude who claims he's straight, kissed you last night, and you're the one feeling bad about it? Sounds like it was all consensual to me. And seriously, it was just a kiss. Not like you fucked him or anything. We both know you've done far worse under the influence of alcohol.”
That was true. But this wasn't the same. Still, without going into all the details about the picture and the way it spread over social media, there really was no way he could understand. Sean would find out one day. As soon as he went online, he was bound to see the picture and read his name. It was just a matter of time. And he really needed Sean's perspective and insight in that moment.
So he decided to tell him the entire story. From beginning to end and didn't leave anything out. He came clean about so much he'd been holding back, and just let it all out. About how he first met Gabe and how their relationship had been so strained. Then to the party when Anthony had overdosed and Gabe had been the one there to save him and bring him back from the brink. There was a moment when he touched on the sex scene they filmed and how he realized Gabe was just as turned on as he was. He finally ended with the kiss that happened last night. And as he unburdened his soul, he began to feel a little better. Sean was surprised, but listened to the whole story.
“So now what do you think?” Anthony said when he'd finished his story. “Still think it's nothing to worry about?”
The waitress finally came by and took their order, at the worst possible time of course. As soon as she stepped away, Sean finally seemed to snap out of his daze and spoke.
“Dude, why didn't you tell me any of this before? I mean, really? You've been going through all of this, and I'm only finding out now?”
Anthony was just pissing people off left and right this morning. It just never ended.
“I'm sorry, I just didn't want to mingle these two lives together. I wanted to keep them separated, as much as possible. It was wrong of me. You're my friend, not just someone I made porn with. So yeah, I was wrong about that. But I hope you can at least understand things from my perspective.”
Sean didn't look too upset. Unlike Gabe, he was pretty mellow. As long as it didn't involve stealing something from him, it was all good in his book. And this time was no different. He brushed it off without a second thought.
“So what are you going to do about this guy?”
Their food arrived and Sean started shoveling pancakes into his mouth. Anthony stared at his food and a sick, greasy feeling started to boil up in his stomach. He took a deep breath and tried to calm his suddenly rebellious stomach before gingerly putting a bite in his mouth.
“I don't know, Sean. I really don't.”
“It sounds like you have the hots for him,” Sean said, his voice held a hint of sadness, which in turn, made Anthony feel bad.
They'd had their fun. They were friends and sure, sometimes friends with benefits, but there had never been anything but friendship there for him. He hoped the same would be true for Sean, but truthfully, he'd never asked. He just assumed. And he could see now that he had been wrong the whole time.
“Yeah, I guess I do,” Anthony said, scratching his head. “I like him way more than I should. Even if we're only meant to be friends, I want that, you know? I mean, I don't know what I want. Ultimately, I just want him to be happy and I want to hang out with him some more, but after all of this, I'll be surprised if he even wants to talk to me at future events.”
“Good thing he has to,” Sean said.
“Yeah, I guess so,” Anthony mumbled, as he continued to eat.
Though honestly, the idea of forcing conversation with Gabe made his insides ache. He liked the easy friendship they had built up over the last few weeks. He enjoyed his company. To think that the only way they'd talk to one another was by force hurt more than just a little. It hurt a hell of a lot. And it wasn't a good thing, at all.
He knew he had to make it better somehow, but he had no idea how to do that. Staring at Sean, he wasn't sure he was the best guy to go to for advice. Probably the best person to talk to was Gabe. Anthony would give him some time, then reach out to him later. And pray that Gabe would be willing to talk to him.