“Wait, what did you say?” Anthony asked after picking up his jaw from the ground.
He knew that he couldn't have heard the man right. And he knew that making assumptions got him into trouble faster than anything. That was the last thing he wanted to do right now.
“You heard me,” Gabe said with a long sigh. “I want to go to a gay club.”
“But why?” Anthony asked.
“I don't really know how to explain it, other than it's just – well – I'm curious. I've lived my entire life sheltered from this type of thing, and I just want to see what it's like. With my own eyes.”
Gabe's eyes continued to dart this way and that, moving from Anthony to everything but Anthony. It was as if he couldn't decide if he should be ashamed of his request or not.
“Look,” Gabe said. “I don't know if I'm gay or anything like that. There is a lot I don't know right now. But I thought that maybe I'd check it out and see what was going on in my head.”
But deep down, Anthony was pleased by his willingness to move outside of his comfort zone. How could he say no to Gabe when he was trying to reconcile some things within himself that were in desperate need of some reconciliation? Yes, the clubs were part of his past. The entire scene did little for him these days.
But for Gabe, it was an entirely new world he'd never experienced before. And if it could help him figure himself out, if it could help him find some answers, and more importantly, some peace within his own heart and mind, what harm could it do?
“Okay,” Anthony said with a smile. “Sounds like a plan. I know one near my place. Want to follow me over there and walk to the club together?”
Gabe nodded, but didn't say anything.
The entire drive home, Anthony couldn't figure out what to make of his request. Was this Gabe finally coming to terms with his sexuality? Was this a new beginning for him? Or was he, like so many other people, just curious about what it was like at a gay club?
In the end, it didn't really matter. Gabe had asked to go, and Anthony wouldn't turn down an opportunity to help the other man any way he could. Even if that meant treading back into waters he wanted to leave well behind him.
***
The Ponderosa was a country-western themed gay bar, and it was right by Anthony's house. It was a little cheesy and overdone with the western theme – really, did anybody need big plastic horse heads sticking out of a wall that had been painted up to look like a hitching post? – but it was way more laid-back and relaxed than some of the others. And while it was heavy on the booze, fewer illegal drugs made the rounds there than at other clubs.
“This is a gay bar?” Gabe asked, eyeing the mechanical bull in the center with some concern. “Feels like I was dropped in the middle of podunk Texas. No offense.”
“None taken,” Anthony said, ordering them both a beer. He figured it would be less likely to lead to them getting drunk if they stuck with the lighter stuff. “It's a chill place. Except for the country music that plays on an endless loop. Even though I grew up in Texas, I'll never understand the appeal of that crap.”
The music – especially when they played some of the old time country music stars – reminded Anthony of his childhood. And a good chunk of those memories were the ones he wanted to forget.
“I've never really listened to it, honestly,” Gabe said, looking around at the others who were mingling.
There were a few guys in cowboy hats and assless chaps making the rounds, and Gabe was watching them with interest. He was shocked to see some of these men being so – affectionate – with one another in public. He still wasn't used to that being so public and out in the open.
“I didn't know gay cowboys were a thing?” Gabe said.
“Ever since Brokeback Mountain, it's been a huge thing. Even still, years later,” Anthony said, amused at the way Gabe's large eyes took everything in.
He sipped his beer and just watched Gabe watching the rest of the world around him. He reminded Anthony of a child taking in Disneyland for the very first time.
“Never saw it,” Gabe admitted.
“You never saw Brokeback Mountain? For shame, man. For shame. Especially since some are comparing our film to it. Except that the only thing it has in common is the whole gay romance, so I think that's silly. It's just some of the media saying, hey look, gay shit. They must be the same thing!”
“Yeah,” Gabe admitted, but Anthony could tell he wasn't truly paying attention.
Which was fine. Anthony was just glad he was enjoying himself. He'd asked to go to a gay bar, and Anthony had delivered. Now he was simply amused by Gabe's reaction. Poor, sheltered Gabe was finally getting to experience something he would've never allowed himself to experience before. It was a huge step, and Anthony wasn't about to take it lightly.
From the other side of the bar, Anthony saw a familiar face. He only caught quick glimpses of it, and it took him a few minutes to place him, but eventually, the other man noticed him as well. He smiled and walked over.
“Oh shit,” Anthony muttered to himself, taking a long sip of his beer.
“What?” Gabe asked, but before Anthony could answer, the man took a seat next to Gabe without even asking.
“Tony? Is that you? Long time, no see,” the man said.
“Hey, Nick,” Anthony said. “This is my friend, Gabe. Gabe, this is Nick.”
He didn't want to explain to Gabe exactly who Nick was. It would be a little awkward to talk about how at one time, he covered this guy's face in cum for a film. That wasn't the sort of thing people talked about in polite society. Nick had also been there the night Anthony had almost died from a drug overdose.
“Hey, man,” Nick said, taking a long swig of his drink and giving Gabe the once over. He shot Anthony an approving glance. “Nice to meet ya.”
Nick was a bit younger than himself and was just starting out in the biz. With his naturally white-blonde hair and perfect body, he'd been an instant hit in the industry, as well as in all the gay clubs. He and Sean partied a lot these days, and Anthony knew what kind of crowd the kid hung around. And yes, while he swore he was in his early twenties, the guy didn't look a day over eighteen. He had a wholesome, fresh faced, boy next door appeal. It was another reason he was a hit.
“Nice to meet you, too,” Gabe said, looking slightly uneasy with how close Nick was sitting to him, but he didn't look offended.
He gave Nick a once over too, but didn't seem overly impressed. Nick wasn't Anthony's type either. Too boyish for him, as well as too immature.
“So, I heard you made up with Sean,” Nick said, turning back to Anthony. “That's big of you, man.”
“Nothing to forgive, really,” Anthony said, leaning back in his seat and crossing his arms. This wasn't a conversation he cared to be having. Not here, not with Gabe around. Possibly not anywhere. Ever.
Sure, Gabe was there to pick him off the ground when he needed him, but he also didn't want to re-hash his old mistakes. He knew it wasn't his fault, not that night, but he shouldn't have even been there in the first place. He should have listened to his damn instincts and never put himself in that position.
Nick let out a low whistle and took another drink, this time not meeting Anthony's eyes.
“If you say so, but I'm just glad you feel that way. Had that been me – I don't know if I could have forgiven him.”
Now Anthony was confused. “Forgiven him for what? Taking me out that night? I asked to go. I shouldn't have asked, but I did. But it's not like Sean slipped the drugs in my drink –”
As soon as he said that last bit, Nick's eyes grew wide and his complexion grew half a dozen shades paler. He stuttered something about not telling Sean they'd run into each other, and left as quickly as he had come, leaving Anthony watching after him.
“Strange kid,” Gabe said with a chuckle. “What was that about?”
Anthony had a nagging feeling he knew exactly what that was about. He knew why Nick had freaked out and bolted. And suddenly, his whole world came crashing down around him. His blood pounded in his ears and he felt his stomach plummet to the floor. Never had he felt so betrayed before. For a second he could almost feel that dagger stabbing him in the back.
“I dunno,” he lied, trying to push back the emotions surging to the surface. “But I sure could use another beer. How about you?”
Two beers turned to three, and then they made the move over to harder drinks. At that point, Anthony forgot his promise to avoid hard liquor. He was trying hard to forget what Nick had said, tried not to think about what it all meant, and the beers were not cutting it. Gabe could sense something was wrong with him, and pulled him aside.
“What's wrong, Anthony? Ever since we ran into Nick, you've shut yourself down. I'm worried about you.”
“It's nothing,” Anthony lied again, pursing his lips and taking another shot.
“Come on,” Gabe said, moving to the seat next to him as opposed to the one across from him that he had been occupying. “You've been there for me countless times, and I open up to you. Now it's your turn. Let me repay the favor and listen to your problems for a change.”
Anthony sighed, peeling back the label of one of the empty beer bottles on the table. His head was swirling with so many thoughts, so many emotions. No, he had no proof that Sean had drugged him that night. But Nick might as well have said it with the way he acted.
“What if,” Anthony started to say, “what if the person you trusted most in the world, who you thought would always be there for you no matter what, was the one person who nearly killed you?”
Gabe didn't say anything for a moment, he just stroked Anthony's shoulder tenderly. “I don't even know what I'd do in that case,” he said. “But I do know it would hurt like hell.”
Anthony really didn't know what to say. It did hurt like hell. “I have no proof, but what Nick said, and how he reacted –”
“Made Sean look guilty?” Gabe finished his sentence.
Anthony nodded again.
“I heard that too, and after I thought about it, I figured that's what it was,” Gabe said, his hand moving up from his shoulder and into Anthony's hair, stroking it gently. “And if that's the case, Sean is a douchebag. And remember what you told me about douchebags? They're not worth our time.”
“They're not,” Anthony said. “But he was my best friend.”
“Greg is my brother. My big brother,” Gabe said. “Growing up, he was the one person I admired most in the world. The one person I wanted to be like. But it doesn't change what he is. And it doesn't reflect poorly on me. At all. Nor do Sean's actions reflect poorly on you. You're a good man, Anthony. You trust people, you stay by them through thick and thin. You let people walk all over you. And there are givers and there are takers in this world. You're a giver. Sean is a taker. He will take and take and take until he destroys you. Just like Greg would with me.”
Anthony looked up, finally meeting his gaze. The feeling of Gabe's fingers in his hair sent shivers down his spine. He wanted to feel more of those fingers, in more places on his body. Looking at Gabe's eyes, he wanted to get lost in them, to forget about all of this, forget about Sean and the fact that he'd almost killed him. In that moment, more than anything else in the world, he just wanted to feel what it would be like to let himself go with him.
But he couldn't. Gabe was likely the last true friend he had, and he couldn't ruin it by thinking with his dick again. Though part of him wasn't so sure it was his dick taking control as much as it was his heart. But that too could be deceptive. And dangerous. Very, very dangerous.
He couldn't fall in love with a man who didn't know where he stood in regard to his sexuality. It would be too hard. It would kill him if Gabe suddenly decided he wasn't into men after all, and that Anthony was nothing but an experience. Just like this gay club or the role as Chance was an experience for him.
No, his brain was the only logical part of his body and he needed to use it. He needed to put himself in check and do everything within his power to not destroy a solid friendship just as it got started.
Anthony downed the rest of his drink and tried his best not to think about Gabe in that way. But damn it was hard. Not only was he one of the hottest men Anthony had ever seen, and that was coming from someone who worked in porn, he had the deep, brooding personality that drove Anthony wild with desire. For some reason, he was always drawn to a man that was hard to get. Maybe because sex came too easily to him in the movies, and in real life, he needed the challenge. Whatever it was, Gabe was most certainly a challenge.
But this time, Anthony had to tell himself to back off. This needs to stay innocent, before either one of you gets hurt.