My voice trembled. “Be careful, Tom. Carry your shotgun whenever you’re outside. And always keep your cell phone with you, even when you’re inside your house. Promise me you will, okay?”
His eyes warmed to the colour of summer sky. “Don’t worry about me.” He folded me into a hug and I slid my arms around his lean work-hardened body, pressing my face against his broad shoulder and inhaling his clean-cotton and woodsmoke scent.
A moment later my brain caught up with my hormones and I pulled away.
Worst thing I could have done, dammit. Idiot.
Tom let me go, his palms coasting down my arms to gently capture my hands. “You feel good in my arms,” he said softly.
“I’m sorry.” I backed away a step, disengaging his grip. “I didn’t mean to give you the wrong idea.”
He smiled, an engaging mixture of humour and ruefulness warming his handsome weathered face. “It felt like the right idea to me.” Before I could respond, he added, “It’s okay, I’m not reading anything into it. Thank you for being worried about me. I’ll let you know if the police find anything.” His smile flattened. “And you be careful, too. If you find anything out of place, or even if you just have a bad feeling, call me and we’ll tackle it together. Or call the police. Don’t take chances because you’re afraid you’ll feel foolish if it turns out to be nothing.”
“I won’t. Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.” He gave me another of his attractive crooked smiles. “I’ll talk to you later.” He tipped his cowboy hat and headed for his truck.
Lingering on the porch, I gave him a final wave and watched until his truck disappeared behind the trees that separated our farms. When I turned, Kane and Daniel had their heads together over the housing, but Kane’s penetrating grey gaze was pinned on me.
Damn, from there he would have been able to see my entire exchange with Tom, including the hug.
My teeth clenched reflexively. He would be jealous and angry…
Forcing the thought away, I headed for the garage.
No, he wouldn’t. He had promised that everything was fine between us and he was okay with me seeing other men.
I swallowed chagrin.
No, dammit, he hadn’t said ‘other men’. He’d said he was okay with me loving Arnie, his best friend since childhood. Not Tom, who had been a bitter rival from the start.
Oblivious to my desire to turn and flee, my feet carried me inside the garage and over to the wrench-wielding father and son. As I shed my jacket, I plastered on a smile. “Looks like you guys are getting the job done just fine without me.”
Kane returned my smile, looking perfectly relaxed except for the sharpness of his eyes. “Yes, we’re hard at it. We’ll have this thing apart in a jiffy.” He cracked another bolt loose. “Here, Daniel, this one’s ready for you to take off now.”
Daniel hunched over the housing, frowning with concentration as his small hands fumbled a wrench onto the bolt head.
“I need a beer,” I blurted, and hurried for the fridge in the corner. “Do you want one?”
“Yes, please. I’ll come and get it.” Kane rose and followed me.
Not meeting his eyes, I handed over an icy bottle and concentrated on opening one of my own.
“Are you friendly with Rossburn now?” Kane inquired.
Oh, God, here we go.
I gulped a large slug of beer. The bubbles fizzed unmercifully, and I barely managed to smother a giant belch. Way to set a good example for a child.
“No,” I muttered. “It was only a hug. I just found out somebody sabotaged his farm and he could have lost a leg.” I sucked back another mouthful of beer. Come on, suds, work your magic on my nerves…
“Aydan.” A gentle touch tipped my chin up to look into Kane’s serious grey eyes. “That wasn’t meant as a demand or a criticism. Just a request for information. Has the status of your cover changed?”
“No. I’m just an idiot.” I gulped another swallow.
“Of course you’re not an idiot.” Kane frowned. “What’s wrong? You seem on edge.”
“I… I’m, um…” My gaze strayed over to Daniel, who had stopped working on his bolt and was observing us with a disconcertingly solemn gaze. “I’ve got some stuff on my mind.”
“You’re uncomfortable with Daniel.” Kane’s tone held no accusation, but I could read the disappointment in his eyes.
“Of course I’m n…” I bit off the lie. “Um…” I let out a breath of resignation. “Yeah. I’m sorry; I don’t know how to act. I mean, what have you told him about… us? What have you told Alicia? If I hug you, will he go home and make it sound like we were making out, and get you in shit? Or… hell, I don’t know! What do you want me to do? How do you want me to act?”
“Just be yourself-”
“Daddy,” a small plaintive voice interrupted. “I can’t get this one. Will you help me?”
Kane gave me a twisted smile. “I’m sorry. We should have talked about this before I brought Daniel here.”
He strode back to his son and reached into the cooler they’d brought. “Here’s your root beer, Daniel.” He twisted the cap off a brown bottle and passed it over. Holding out his own untouched beer with a smile, he clinked bottles with Daniel and they each took a drink.
“Beer is yummy, Daddy.” Daniel beamed up at him.
“Yours is root beer,” Kane corrected gently. “Real beer has alcohol in it, so it’s only for grown-ups.”
“May I please taste your alcohol beer?”
Kane smiled at him. “Just a little taste.”
Daniel nodded eagerly, and Kane offered him a tiny sip. Daniel’s face screwed up. “Yuck! I like root beer better.”
“That’s good,” Kane said gravely. “That’s why beer is only for grown-ups.”
“Does beer taste better when you’re a grown-up?” Daniel inquired.
Kane chuckled. “Not really.” At his son’s puzzled frown, he added, “I’ll get some bolts started for you, and then Aydan and I are going to have a grown-up talk for a few minutes. You can work on the transmission if you want; or if you’d rather play with your toys, that’s fine, too.”
“His hands are covered with grease,” I pointed out. “Alicia won’t thank you if he gets it all over everything.”
“We didn’t bring any toys that can’t be cleaned,” Kane said as he loosened a few more bolts and then rose to wipe his hands on a shop towel. “There you go, Daniel. Now…” He nudged me gently toward the opposite side of the garage. “Let’s talk.”
‘Let’s talk’. My least favourite phrase in the world.
Well, okay, my second-from-least-favourite. ‘I’m going to kill you now’ would be my least favourite. But still…
I swallowed more beer, hoping for some liquid courage.
“Are you planning to get drunk?” Kane inclined his chin at the half-empty bottle in my hand.
“Maybe,” I muttered. “I’m deciding.”
Kane reached for my bottle as if he intended to take it away, but sensibly desisted when I tightened my grip and gave him the stink-eye.
He smiled. “I promise this isn’t the kind of talk that requires sedation.”
“I’ll be the judge of that,” I mumbled. “What do you want to talk about?”
“I wanted to apologize. It wasn’t fair to spring Daniel on you without talking about it first. I’m sorry. How can I make you feel more comfortable?”
“You don’t have to apologize.” I hugged my beer bottle. “It’s good to see you and Daniel getting to spend some quality time together. I just… I don’t see how I fit in. I’m sure as hell not any kind of decent mother-figure. I just know I’m going to swear or belch or fart or something and he’ll go home and tell Alicia, and then she’ll run off to court and tell them you’re an unfit father for exposing him to such a bad influence…”
I trailed off as Kane burst out laughing. He sobered fast, but his eyes still sparkled with amusement as he said, “Can you envision a judge’s face while Alicia says, ‘…and he allowed a woman to break wind in front of my child!’ She’d be kicked out of court so fast it would make her head spin.”
A small snicker escaped in spite of my discomfort. “Okay, fine; bad example. But you know what I mean. We’re drinking beer. I’ll slip up and swear, I know it. And if I give you a hug or something and then he tells Alicia all about his day, it wouldn’t take much for her to twist it into some great story about how we got absolutely shit-faced, started talking dirty, and screwed each other’s brains out in the middle of the floor with Daniel watching.”
“Well.” The twinkle in Kane’s eye had turned into something considerably hotter, and a smile quirked the corner of his mouth. “There’s a scenario worth exploring. Minus the drunkenness and the seven-year-old onlooker.”
“Cut it out.” I shoved his shoulder playfully, then regretted it when the contact of my palm against those hard muscles swept a wave of heat over me.
Fuck, I was half-drunk already. This whole playdate had been a bad idea from the start.
“Be serious,” I admonished us both.
“I was being serious; but I’ll also address your concerns.” Kane’s smile dwindled. “I’m not worried about your behaviour. Daniel is old enough to understand that adult language isn’t appropriate for him to use, and I know you’d never do anything to harm him or endanger him. But you do have a good point about physical contact. What boundaries would you like to place?”
“Me? Hell, it doesn’t matter what I want. What’s going to get you in hot water?”
“Of course it matters what you want.” Kane gave me a slow smile. “And I’m quite encouraged by your concern that you might accidentally hug or kiss me.”
Oh, God. Me and my big mouth.
I slugged more beer to prevent myself from saying anything else inappropriate.
After waiting a few moments for a response I didn’t provide, Kane went on, “Don’t worry about it. Children aren’t bothered by displays of physical affection. Families hug. Friends hug.” His voice deepened, his gaze holding me. “Lovers hug. And I don’t care what Alicia thinks we’re doing.”
“Oh. Well, that’s good, then.” My voice came out feeble, and I took another mouthful of beer.
“And Daniel already has a mother,” Kane went on. “He doesn’t need that from you. But I think it’s important for him to have strong, smart, independent women in his life.” He smiled, his eyes softening. “Women who know which end of a transmission is which.”
“Thanks,” I mumbled, heat rising in my cheeks.
Don’t let him sweet-talk you. He lied to you before. He might still be lying. Last night at Dave and Nichele’s wedding I had felt so comfortable with him. But now…
Kane frowned. “There’s something else bothering you, isn’t there? You said you had ‘some stuff’ on your mind.”
I glanced over at Daniel, hoping he would suddenly demand his father’s attention; but the child seemed perfectly content mumbling to himself while he trekked his toy soldier up and down the bulge of the bell housing.
A sigh escaped me. Might as well just dump it out. “When you told me last year that you’d called in some favours and found out that our government hadn’t killed my mother, did you know she’d actually faked her death and left the country?”
Kane’s eyes widened. “No,” he said promptly.
“Bullshit.” Lubricated by beer, the accusing word slipped out before I could stop it.
Kane frowned. “I didn’t lie to you,” he repeated. “I really didn’t know she was alive.”
“Where did you get your intel, then?” I demanded. “What favours did you call in? Who did you talk to?”
It was Kane’s turn to sigh. He took a drink of beer as though hoping it would give him strength, and replied, “Stemp. I should have known he wouldn’t tell me the whole truth.”
“Stemp?” I let out a bark of bitter laughter. “He never tells anybody the whole truth. What favour did he owe you?”
Kane hung his head. “He didn’t owe me any favours. That was when I was still under orders to manipulate you. I told him I needed the information to gain your trust, and that was what he gave me: ‘Our government did not kill any of your family, directly or indirectly’. True, but not the whole truth.”
“As usual.” I drained my bottle. “Fine. Tell me about how you killed Robert.”
Kane winced. “You weren’t kidding when you said you had a lot on your mind.”
“That’s just the tip of the iceberg,” I said gloomily, eyeing my empty bottle. “I need another.”
As I turned toward the beer fridge, Kane laid a restraining hand on my arm. “Maybe you should wait. That one went down pretty fast.”
I fought back a prickle of irritation.
“Probably right,” I agreed, faking reasonableness for all I was worth.
Hell, he was right. My tongue felt thick and my eyelids were heavy. God, if only I could lie down and sleep for a week…
“There’s not much to tell,” Kane said, returning to our previous conversation. “Robert had been undercover as your husband for years by the time I joined the Department. My early missions were mostly overseas; and after I got shot it took nearly a year before I could resume active duty. That’s the only reason I got the assignment: Robert didn’t know me. The analysts supplied me with his schedule. The Weapons lab gave me the drug. I poured it into his drink at a business dinner…” Kane hesitated uncomfortably. “…and the rest you know.”
Pushing away the horrible memories, I persisted, “Did he show any signs that he wasn’t feeling well as the dinner went on? Did he seem like he had a headache? Was he rubbing his forehead or anything?”
Kane frowned. “Why are you asking me this? Do you really want to revisit that time in your life?”
I sighed. “Not even a little bit. But somebody else might have been killed with the same drug. I’m collecting all the information I can.”
“He didn’t have any visible reaction. I’m sorry, but that’s all I can tell you.”
I spotted the weasel-words immediately. “All you can tell me, or all you know?” I demanded.
“All I know,” Kane clarified without rancour.
But he could still be lying. He was an excellent agent; and agents had to be good liars.
“Which reminds me,” I said. “Stemp assigned me to recruit you back to the Department. They want you to be an agent again.”
Kane nodded. “I wondered how long it would take.”
I stared at him, his words slowly penetrating my beer-fogged mind. “You were expecting this?”
“Of course. I thought you were already working on me when you involved me in your last two missions. Weren’t you?”
“No!” Indignation made my voice too loud, and I lowered my volume as Daniel glanced over worriedly. “What kind of a shitty friend do you think I am? Stemp just gave me the assignment this morning.”
“I wouldn’t think badly of you if you were only following orders.”
My heart sank. If he wouldn’t think less of me for following orders instead of honouring our friendship, that meant he wouldn’t think twice about betraying my trust if our positions were reversed.
“So how will you entice me to rejoin?” Kane asked, grinning. “I hope you have a honey trap planned.”
“I wasn’t planning to entice you,” I said stiffly. “I told Stemp I’d talk to you but I was sure you wouldn’t be interested now that you have Daniel to consider. So… that’s it. I just talked to you. I won’t try to influence your decision.”
“Oh.” His smile drained away, leaving a pucker between his brows. “Don’t you want me to come back to the Department?”
“I don’t care whether you come back or not.”
Hurt flashed across his face and I backtracked hurriedly. “I didn’t mean that the way it came out. I just meant it doesn’t matter to me… fuck, no, that’s not what I meant, either!” I squeezed my eyes shut in an attempt to kickstart my aching brain and tried again. “I want what’s best for you and Daniel and I’ll support your decision no matter what it is. It would be great to have you back, but I don’t want you to come back if it compromises your relationship with Daniel.”
When I opened my eyes again Kane was studying me, his cop face impassive. “Which of those was actually the truth?”
I clenched my fists in my hair, fighting annoyance again. “The last one! If you don’t believe me, ask Stemp. And Dr. Rawling. I told them it was wrong to pressure you, and that I’d support whatever decision you made.”
“If you felt that strongly about it, why didn’t you decline the assignment?” The hint of accusation in Kane’s question fanned the sparks of my annoyance into instant anger.
“I tried!” I glared at him. “Stemp basically said that if I refused the assignment the chain of command would chuck me in prison. So if anyone asks, I damn well hope you’ll pretend I’m doing my best to influence you!”
“I will.” He frowned. “Why are you angry with me?”
“I’m not fucking angry!”
We stared at each other in silence while my stomach twisted into a slow sick knot. Now he would be angry at me in return, and with good reason. Oh, God, just let this shit end…
“Aydan, stop,” Kane said firmly. “I can tell by your expression that you’re falling back into your destructive thought patterns.” His voice softened. “I’m not angry or hurt. I won’t hurt you in return, and I’m not demanding anything from you. It’s all right if you’re angry with me for some reason. I just want to understand why, so I can make it better.”
I didn’t need this. I couldn’t trust him. Every one of my old defensive instincts screamed to pick a giant fight and throw him out.
But dammit, I wouldn’t let my fucked-up past make my decisions for me…
Kane gently interrupted my thoughts. “It’s all right if you don’t want to talk about this now, but are you in danger? Is that what’s bothering you?”
“No. Hell, maybe.” I groaned. “I don’t fucking know. I’m so tired I can’t think straight, and that beer isn’t doing me any favours.” I sucked in a deep breath and took the plunge. “And you’re right, I was angry earlier, but it was just my default reaction. Nothing you did.”
“It’s your default reaction when you feel threatened,” Kane clarified. “And I guess you have a lot of reasons to feel threatened.” He gave me a rueful smile. “When I put myself in your shoes, I can’t imagine how you stay sane. On top of all the usual pressures of being an agent, you’re also dealing with the fact that I, the man who murdered your last husband, now want to be…” He hesitated and his voice deepened. “…considerably more than friends.”
“That doesn’t bother me as much as the fact that you had standing orders to lie to me and manipulate me, right up to the day you quit the Department,” I said, avoiding the emotional danger lurking in his words. “It’s pretty hard not to second-guess that.”
“I can-” Kane began, but a small voice interrupted.
“Daddy?”
“Yes, Daniel, can you be patient for a few more minutes? Aydan and I-”
“Daddy…” Daniel’s voice rose.
“Just a few-”
“Daddy, I have to go pee!”
I grinned at Kane. “I guess we’re done here. You can take him into the house or let him write his name in the snow behind the garage. Doesn’t matter to me.”
He gave me a rueful smile. “Alicia would be furious if she found out I had encouraged public urination. We’ll go into the house.” He hurried over to help Daniel into his jacket, and moments later they hustled out the door.
Released from the stress of their presence, I made a beeline for the beer fridge and cracked another cold one. Soon they’d be gone, and I could gobble a bowl of cereal and go straight to bed. A nice little alcoholic buzz might even take the edge off my inevitable nightmares. I tipped up the bottle for a long swallow.
By the time Kane and Daniel returned, another half a bottle was soothing my belly while I contentedly spun bolts off the transmission housing. I gave them a smile, all warm and fuzzy with beery goodness.
“Is that a wrench, too, Daddy?” Daniel asked, hunkering down beside me and directing an inquisitive gaze at the tool in my hand.
“It’s kind of a wrench,” Kane explained, crouching opposite me with a smile. “The handle part is called a ratchet, and it uses different sizes of those metal tubes. Those are called sockets. A socket fits over a bolt to turn it the same way as a wrench.”
As I tackled the next bolt, Daniel giggled. “It makes a funny noise. Creeee! Creeee!” He imitated the tool’s metallic chirping.
“Yes, that’s the ratchet making that noise,” Kane agreed.
“Ratchet is a funny word!” Daniel giggled again. “Ratchet! Ratchet! Creeee! Creeee!” He sprang up and galloped a circuit around the garage, waving his toy soldier between high-pitched shouts of “Ratchet! Creeee!”
My beery goodness fading rapidly, I sucked back another swallow and concentrated on the last bolt.
“There we go,” I said a moment later. “Give me a hand?”
Kane nodded, and together we pried the heavy housing apart.
The next hour dragged interminably. As I emptied the dregs of a third bottle into my mouth, I realized there wasn’t enough beer in the world to maintain my usual state of wrench-turning zen under the auditory assault of an energetic seven-year-old.
And now I was shit-faced on top of my stress and exhaustion. Bad combination.
Kane had nursed his single beer as long as possible and declined a second, so in addition to my grumpiness I felt vaguely guilty about being a poor hostess. Or about being drunk. Or something.
“Whatever,” I muttered.
“I’m sorry, what did you say?” Kane asked.
“Noth-” I began just as my phone dinged.
Incoming message. Saved by the phone. I squinted at the display and deciphered ‘Call home’.
Turning the screen toward Kane so he could see the message, I said, “Sorry, I have to call in. I’ll be right back.”
I made a grateful escape from the garage, leaving Daniel singing, “Eighty-six bottles of root beer on the wall, eighty-six bottles of root beer…” The first fourteen verses had been more than enough for me. If he sang eighty-five more, I might have to draw my Glock and put myself out of my misery.
Shivering in the icy darkness outside the garage’s bright warmth, I momentarily regretted leaving my jacket behind; but not enough to go back for it. I wrapped my free arm around myself to conserve body heat and pulled a secured phone out of my waist pouch.
Gazing up at the black clouds devouring a brilliant moon, I drew a deep breath and punched the speed dial.
When Stemp answered on the first ring as usual, I said, “It’s Aydan”, and waited.
“I received a call from Nora,” he said. “She is feeling discouraged that you haven’t called her and is considering returning home immediately to the United Kingdom.”
The censure was clear in his voice. I had promised to call her, and I hadn’t. And now she might leave the country before I could investigate.
Shit!
“Sorry, I didn’t get to it because I’ve been working on my other assignment with Kane,” I mumbled. “I’ll call her right now.”
“Very well.”
Stemp didn’t add ‘see that you do’, but I heard it in the momentary silence before he disconnected.
“Fuck,” I muttered. “You fucking bitch, you’re not going to screw me over that easily.” In case the moon had gotten the wrong idea, I glanced up at it and added, “Nora, I mean; not Stemp. He’s not a bitch. He’s jush…” I got my inebriated tongue under control and finished, “…just a bastard.”
Wrapping my other arm around myself, I stood shivering in thought. I didn’t want to face Nora until I’d finished researching her, so I couldn’t meet her tonight. And anyway, I was drunk. That wouldn’t go well.
But if she was thinking of leaving, I’d damn well better get there bright and early tomorrow morning.
Which meant I had to go back to Sirius tonight.
I let out a long tired breath that plumed silver in the cold moonlight. The steam dissipated as rapidly as my happy dream of creeping into my warm bed.
Hell.
I stuffed the secured phone in my pocket for later disposal and brought out my personal cell phone. Squinting through my alcoholic haze, I scrolled to the Silverside Hotel’s number and punched it.
When the desk clerk answered, I said, “Please connect me with Room 106”, proud that my words came out precise and crystal-clear.
The phone rang only once before Nora’s eager voice said ‘Hello?’
She had been right beside it. Guilt softened the cold bedrock of anger and betrayal in my heart. How shitty would it be to sit alone in a hotel room all day, waiting for a call that never came?
I stiffened my spine. Not as shitty as facing the life-shattering words, ‘There’s been a bad accident’. Not as shitty as finding out that your mother was never coming home.
And especially not as shitty as finding out that she’d chosen not to.
“It’s Aydan,” I snapped.
“Oh, Dani-dear.” Her voice trembled. “I thought you were never going to call.”
My guts twisted with renewed guilt, but I fought it back. Dammit, I wasn’t going to let her play me.
“Sorry,” I said shortly. “I’m on assignment. This was my first chance today.”
“Do you… Will you come to see me tonight?”
“I can’t. I’m working right now, and I’ll have to work late on another job tonight.” I forced some warmth into my voice. “But I’ll have time tomorrow morning, if that would work for you.”
“Oh, yes! You can pick me up and we can go for breakfast! Surely there must be someplace nicer than the hotel restaurant, even in a crummy little town like this.”
Despite the fact that I shared her low opinion of the hotel’s restaurant, defensiveness stiffened my shoulders. “Yes, there are some great little restaurants here, but I won’t be able to make it in time for breakfast.” More to the point, I couldn’t deal with her on an empty stomach. “How about if I come around ten?”
“Oh, that would be fine! We could have a visit and go for an early lunch at one of your little restaurants; and then maybe we could-”
“I have to work tomorrow,” I interrupted. “I don’t know if I can get away for long.”
“But Dani-dear, I’ve come all this way to see you.” Disappointment filled her voice. “And we haven’t seen each other for over thirty years.”
“And whose fault is that?” I barked. I clenched my teeth before I could launch the tirade that begged for utterance. “I’ll pick you up tomorrow morning at ten,” I gritted instead. I punched the disconnect button and stomped back into the garage.
Kane glanced up, his smile turning to concern. “You look half-frozen.” He rose from his crouch beside Daniel and an empty cardboard box that had apparently become a toy-soldier barracks. Thank God the root beer song was over, at least for now.
Kane pulled me close, rubbing hot hands over my arms and back. “Is everything all right?” he whispered for my ears only.
I slid my arms around him and huddled into his warmth. “Fine. Just another annoying twist to an annoying day. I have to go back to Sirius tonight.”
Kane pulled away far enough to study me. “You’re not planning to drive, are you?”
I sighed, pointing my face away so I didn’t blow a gust of beer-breath into his face. “No, of course not. I don’t even like to get behind the wheel after one beer, and I sure as hell wouldn’t do it after three on an empty stomach. I’ll…” I hesitated.
I wouldn’t risk driving; but walking six miles into town in the middle of winter wasn’t an option, either. “…I guess I’ll see if Tom will drop me off,” I said slowly. “And maybe Spider can give me a ride home when I’m done.”
“Don’t call Rossburn,” Kane said immediately. “I’ll drive you.”
“But Silverside is in the opposite direction to where you’re headed.”
“It’s not, actually.” Kane smiled. “I had intended to take you to dinner anyway, and I need to check my house. I haven’t been inside it for over a month; and even though I hire someone to keep an eye on it, I still like to look in whenever I’m in town.”
My spirits lifted at the thought of a nice dinner. “Okay, perfect. Thanks!”
Keeping an arm around my shoulders, Kane turned to Daniel. “Are you getting hungry for supper yet?”
Daniel looked up from his soldiers. “Uh-huh. My tummy’s grumbly.”
Kane smiled. “Well, let’s go and get some pizza for your grumbly tummy.”
Daniel sprang up. “Pizza! Yay!” Hopping from one foot to the other, he sang, “Pizza-pizza-pizza-pizza…” in time with the hopping.
I bit back a small moan and plastered on a smile for Kane’s sake.