THIS time Jesse was the one to say no. He did it without scoffing or teasing or telling Devon how stupid he was for asking. He just needed time, he said. Time to prove he had changed, to show Devon he had matured and was staying drug-free. Privately, Devon was relieved. Proposing had been rash. He couldn’t deny there was a part of him that would love to marry Jesse, but they still had a lot of work to do on their relationship before they considered marriage. He was pleased Jesse seemed to have grown up enough to see the sense in waiting.
Determined to iron out their problems in private, they kept the fact they were back together a closely guarded secret. Curled half-naked on Devon’s sofa a couple of nights after the charity dinner, sated and happy, Jesse guiltily admitted to confiding in Kenny. He confessed because Kenny was insisting they spend the weekend at his house in the country. Devon wasn’t angry. How could he be when he had told Mark everything that had happened after Devon had abandoned him the other night?
The night before he flew home, Mark invited them both to dinner at his hotel. Jesse was wary of him at first, but once he realised Mark posed no threat, either to him or his relationship with Devon, he began to relax. By the end of the evening, much to Devon’s delight, the two of them had become firm friends. He smiled indulgently as Mark insisted on giving Jesse advice on how to handle an older man.
The following Friday, they left the city behind and drove to Kenny’s large country house in rural Oxfordshire. Before they had a chance to take their bags from the car, Jesse was ambushed by Kenny’s two young sons, George and Oscar, wild with excitement at the prospect of someone new to play with. Jesse cast a helpless look over his shoulder as he was dragged away to inspect the playroom. It dawned on Devon it was the first time he had ever seen Jesse around children. Luckily, George and Oscar were great kids. He was sure they could be trusted to take care of Jesse.
“Don’t worry,” Kenny’s wife, Amanda, said, greeting Devon with a warm hug. Her belly was swelling nicely with their third child and she rested a protective hand on the neat little bump. “They’ll give him back later. Although I can’t promise he’ll be in one piece.”
“I’m not even sure how he feels about children,” Devon said, following her into the house. “It’s not something we’ve discussed.”
“Not planning on adopting any of your own, then?”
“God, no! I mean, look at us—I’m too old and Jesse is little more than a kid himself.”
“Shame.” Amanda smiled, showing him into the guest bedroom with its pastel décor and a panoramic view over rolling green hills. “You’d make good parents.”
Left alone to freshen up, Devon tried to shrug the comment off. As a young man, he had always assumed he would have children one day. But that day had never come and now it was too late. It was one more thing to consider when it came to making a life with Jesse. What if Jesse wanted kids? He sighed. This weekend was meant to be about rebuilding their relationship, an opportunity to relax and enjoy each other’s company. They’d been there all of ten minutes and already he was questioning whether they had a future at all.
Making his way back downstairs, Devon contemplated going in search of Jesse and rescuing him from George and Oscar. But he knew it would be more for his own benefit. Jesse might have trouble saying no to powerful older men, but Devon had to trust he would be able to extricate himself from two little boys if he wished to. He hovered outside the playroom door, listening to the chaos within.
“I wouldn’t if I were you,” Kenny said, stepping into the hallway. “They’re playing pirates from outer space. I’m guessing you’d be better suited to a glass of wine than intergalactic warfare.”
Devon followed him into the spacious lounge and accepted a chilled white wine from Amanda. Sinking onto a large, padded sofa, he could appreciate why Kenny liked it here. Maybe it was time he looked for a country retreat. One day, of course, he would own Erica’s house, but despite its size and grandeur, it was sadly lacking in comparison to Kenny’s rustic farmhouse.
Kenny and Amanda sat close together on a matching sofa the other side of a low, wooden coffee table. Impossible to have glass, Amanda explained, when the boys were bound to throw something, or possibly each other, through it without guilt or hesitation. While Amanda talked, Kenny watched her and smiled adoringly. Devon envied them their close bond. Like most people, he had longed since his early teens for someone to look at him with such love in their eyes. Could Jesse ever give him that? He thought he loved Devon now, but he still had a good deal of growing up to do. As he got older and more mature, Jesse might change his mind about what it was he wanted. He might change his mind about Devon.
“He’s a good kid,” Kenny said, reading Devon’s thoughts. “And he’s changed these past few months. He’s grown up. Everyone says he’s a pleasure to work with. He’s polite, easy-going. Never gives anyone a moment’s trouble. Never turns up with a bad attitude or an oversized ego. And I haven’t seen him drunk or high for ages.”
“I can see a difference,” Devon admitted, sipping his wine. “He’s trying so hard to be a better person. I just wish I could be sure it’s enough. I love him, but—”
“Be fair, Devon,” Kenny said. “You knew he was damaged goods from the start. Look how far he’s come. He doesn’t need to be your pity project anymore.”
“Is that what you think he is?”
From the direction of the playroom, there came a series of loud crashes and high-pitched shrieks. Devon was ready to leap from the sofa and go running, but neither Kenny nor Amanda batted an eyelid, accustomed to all-out war being unleashed in the next room.
“Maybe it’s what he was to begin with,” Kenny continued coolly, ignoring an even-louder crash from next door that shook the walls and rattled the door in its frame. “But I’d say he’s done pretty damn well for a kid who’s been beaten up and abused pretty much his whole life.”
“You know about that?”
“He’s told me most of it, yes. You’re good for him, Devon. He’s good for you. Just give him a chance.”
“Isn’t that what I’m doing?” Devon snapped, mildly irritated at being lectured by someone who didn’t know Jesse half as well as he did.
Before Kenny could answer, the door flew back on its hinges, adding another dent to the wall behind it. Three breathless, sweating, and over-excited boys piled into the room, pushing and shoving as they all tried to get through the doorway at the same time. Two of them bounded onto the sofa beside their doting parents. The third dropped onto the cushion beside Devon and flashed a big, goofy grin, his eyes shining with a happiness Devon seldom saw in him.
Devon smiled back, fighting the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. He wanted to be Jesse’s lover, not his father. Seeing him like this made Devon feel old, the plastic sword clutched in Jesse’s hand serving as a painful reminder of the age gap between them. Jesse had missed out on being a kid and Devon felt bad for him, but he wasn’t certain he could cope with Jesse regressing to a child at this stage in their relationship.
“I’m a pirate,” Jesse said gleefully.
“A pirate and an alien,” George corrected, hanging upside down from his father’s lap.
“And a spaceman,” added Oscar, much to his brother’s disdain.
“That’s the same thing, stupid.”
“Is not.”
“Is so.”
Leaving Kenny to deal with the escalating argument between his sons, Devon turned to face Jesse. Jesse’s smile faltered, his happiness fading fast as he noticed Devon’s expression.
“Have I done something wrong?”
“Of course not. I’m glad you’ve finally found someone your own age to play with.”
He intended it as a light-hearted comment, but Jesse recoiled as though Devon had just slapped him. He stared, hurt and bewildered. On the other side of the room the bickering boys fell silent, clever enough to realise something had happened even if they didn’t understand what. Kenny set the boys down on the floor and suggested they take their game back to the playroom. George paused in the doorway, casting a hopeful look at Jesse.
“Are you coming?”
“Maybe later,” Jesse muttered sullenly, leaning back on the sofa with his arms folded over his broad chest.
Great. Now he was going to sulk; hardly the perfect way to prove he had grown up. At that moment, Devon was finding it hard to see the mature, reliable young man Kenny had described. Anyone looking at Jesse now would think he belonged in the playroom with the children rather than in the company of adults.
“I’m going for a walk,” Jesse announced gruffly as the awkward silence became unbearable.
He got to his feet and slouched out the open French doors to the garden, and Devon turned to Kenny with an apologetic look.
“I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not us you need to apologize to.” Kenny glanced in the direction Jesse had gone. “He’s a kid. Don’t be angry with him for behaving like one.”
“He’s not a kid,” Amanda corrected quickly, knowing they were not the words Devon needed to hear right then. “But he is a vulnerable and fragile young man. He needs to know you love him.”
“What if love isn’t enough?” Devon asked sadly.
“Love is always enough. If you haven’t got love, then what’s the point of being together?”
How did they get to this point again, Devon wondered as he followed Jesse into the garden. Another argument, if it could be called that; another critical turning point in their relationship. Was Jesse’s age always going to be an issue? Or Devon’s, for that matter? He had wanted to believe they were making progress. For a while, they’d been happy. He should have known it couldn’t last.
He found Jesse at the far end of the garden, leaning on the rail of a wooden fence as he stared out over the fields. At Devon’s approach, he turned his head and gave a weak smile. Devon’s heart ached at the sorrow in his dark eyes.
“Sorry,” Jesse said.
“Don’t be.” Devon wrapped his arms around Jesse’s waist and rested his chin on his shoulder. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I upset you. I made you angry.”
“No, you didn’t. What I said... I didn’t mean it to come out the way it did. I’m glad you like George and Oscar, and I’m glad you enjoyed playing with them. There’s no law against letting your hair down and having a bit of fun now and again.”
Jesse frowned, not sure he understood what Devon was saying. “I thought you didn’t like me acting like a kid.”
“You are a kid, Jess. You should be allowed to act like one from time to time. It’s not your fault if I have trouble dealing with it. But seeing you playing like that with George and Oscar, it makes me realize how big this age gap is. It makes me feel old.”
“Forty isn’t that old,” Jesse said with all the naïveté of a nineteen-year-old. “And I don’t care about the age gap, so why should you? I want this to work, Dev. I’m no good without you.”
Which wasn’t strictly true, Devon thought. Without him, Jesse had become one of the biggest names in the modelling industry. He had quit alcohol and drugs, and worked hard to hone his body and refine his appearance. The painful truth was, he was better off without Devon. Was it selfish, refusing to let Jesse go?
“It will work,” Devon told him, leaning forward to kiss his cheek. “But only on the condition you go back in there and finish playing cowboy pirates with the boys.”
“Space pirates,” Jesse corrected seriously, and then his face split into a wide grin as he turned in Devon’s embrace, wrapping his strong arms around his neck. “You’re sure you don’t mind?”
“Go be a kid, Jesse. Just make sure that, come tonight, I get a man in my bed and not a boy.”