Only connect! That was the whole of her sermon. Only connect the prose and the passion, and both will be exalted, and human love will be seen at its height. Live in fragments no longer.
—E.M. FORSTER, Howards End
I recently heard a well-known Christian motivational speaker who does marriage seminars around the country discuss the affects of sexual immorality on a person and a marriage. He suggested that, though change and healing are possible, the person who has had extramarital sexual experiences will always struggle with ungodly desires at some level. Such people will always need to be on guard and extra vigilant against temptation. And they will always have a degree of dysfunction in the ways that they view sex.
For many, this has been absolutely true. Yet his absolutism aroused some righteous anger in me. This is the exact mentality that informs most secular and Christian counseling on this subject. And, while (in the case of Christian resources) it is framed by the message of hope in Jesus, this belief system offers no actual hope.
Psalm 27:13 says: “I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living” (NASB). Many Christian men struggling with temptation and sexual sin feel despair for this exact reason. They do not believe they will see the goodness of God (total healing and freedom) in this area of their lives while they live on this Earth.
Not unlike this Christian speaker, the main premise of the 12-step programs is the power of addiction. In order to get help, one must admit to being a helpless and broken addict. It becomes a person’s identity. “My name is Frank, and I am an addict.” You no longer have a problem; you are the problem. You are a victim of a disease; you are a problem to be fixed.
Inspiring, isn’t it? After years of struggling against temptations—trying not to check out that scantily dressed woman, look at that magazine in the grocery store checkout line, click on that pop-up advertisement for a porn site—most men reach a point of hopelessness. They feel powerless over sin, believing that they are controlled by outside forces and that no real answers are available. This belief is reinforced by resources on the subject. Thus, these men find themselves in the loneliest and most terrifying of places—despair. They feel like silent victims to their appetites, and they have relinquished all hope of rescue.
Sound familiar?
At the foundation of my approach to living free from sexual temptation is the belief that you are powerful. This approach is fundamentally opposite of the secular/clinical approach. As Step #1 of the 12-step recovery plan of Sex Addicts Anonymous states: “We admitted we were powerless over addictive sexual behavior—that our lives had become unmanageable.”1 This is the foundation of the clinical approach to dealing with sin: You are a sex addict, and the road to recovery begins when you admit that you are powerless over your addiction. Although this approach may help many men modify their behavior, it does not bring healing to the root issues in the heart.
During the time of the judges in the Old Testament, Israel experienced oppression from the Midianites (Midian means “strife”2). This was not simple border skirmishing, but absolute demoralization and terrorization of the people. For seven years, whenever Israel would plant crops, as harvest time approached, the Midianites would sweep through and destroy all of the crops, as well as the animals that the Israelites would use for both labor and food.
The Bible compares the Midianites to locusts that would come in swarms to devastate the land. Because of this, the people of Israel hid in caves and mountains and were brought very low (see Judg. 6:1-6). Let’s put this scenario in modern terms: You are trying to live uprightly for God, yet it seems like whenever you begin to make progress or gain a measure of victory (plant seed) the enemy of temptation sweeps in to devastate your victory. You feel powerless to resist. You try to find a refuge, a hiding place, but you cannot escape the reality that once again your harvest has been stolen. Gradually, you lose all hope for the future.
Enter the hero—Gideon, a man much like you and me. Gideon was threshing wheat in a wine press in an attempt to hide his harvest from the Midianites. Gideon’s name means “one who cuts to pieces”; he was supposed to be a warrior, a powerful man; yet he was defeated, hiding, and full of despair. Even though Gideon did not understand his identity, God did. The angel of the Lord appeared to Gideon, called him a powerful and brave man, and commissioned him to destroy the idol worship in Israel and defeat the Midianites through God’s empowerment (see Judg. 6:6-16).
Though Gideon was full of excuses about why he was not the right man for the job (including self-pity, blame, and a victim mentality), God persistently spoke to him according to his destiny and identity in God—mighty man, brave warrior, conqueror of strife. Ultimately, Gideon chose to believe God’s assessment of him and stepped into his destiny, winning a great victory. (There is much I am leaving out here, but the entire story, which is found in Judges 6, is very powerful and worth reading.)
Many Bible scholars believe the angel of the Lord who appears in various places in the Old Testament is actually Jesus—God manifested to humanity before Jesus’ incarnation. Thus, we can read Gideon’s story into our lives this way. When we feel oppressed by sin and temptation, Jesus speaks to us about our true destiny and identity in Him, and He calls us to take responsibility and act powerfully according to that identity.
When Gideon believed what God said about him and acted accordingly, he found freedom. And you can too. In this book you will find the truth about who you are. You are not an addict—a helpless and hopeless victim of addiction. No, you are a son of God. And you are powerful. In the coming pages I will show you what that means and how a revelation of your identity can absolutely free you from the struggle with sexual sin.
Though the clinical approach says that complete freedom is a myth, Jesus died to give humanity absolute freedom from and power over sin. He did not intend for us to struggle against lust all of our lives. Instead, He said, “If the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed” (John 8:36 NASB).
Jesus illustrated this in His response to the woman caught in adultery (see John 8:1-11). Though the woman had been caught “in the very act” (John 8:4 NASB) and could have been condemned to death according to the law, Jesus instead spoke to her according to her value. He said, “I do not condemn you…” (John 8:11 NASB)—in other words, He didn’t label her as adulterous, but instead valued her as a loved daughter of God. And He called her to be powerful, to take responsibility and make a choice—“…Go. From now on sin no more” (John 8:11 NASB).
This is exactly what Jesus has done for us. Through His death on the cross He has said, “I do not condemn you” (I value you); and through His resurrection, “Go. From now on sin no more” (you are powerful and able to live holy). We have been given the power to walk in purity and freedom. We do not, as so many Christians believe, have to wrestle with sin all of our lives.
Referring to his freedom, the apostle Paul said that he would not allow anything to control him—“…I will not be mastered by anything” (1 Cor. 6:12). This was not just wishful thinking. He could say this because through grace we have literally been given the power to reign in life and to operate in self-control (see Rom. 5:17; Titus 2:11-14). The death and resurrection of Christ are more than sufficient for every need, every weakness, and every sin in our lives.
As I alluded to in the stories of Gideon and the woman caught in adultery, there are two foundational principles that we must understand in order to walk in freedom and self-control: I am powerful, and I am valuable. We will explore both of these principles, starting with the first: you are powerful.
Jesus said that everyone who sins is a slave to sin (see John 8:34); but then He died so we would no longer be controlled by sin, but would instead have self-control. Remember that John the Baptist described Jesus as “the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world” (John 1:29).
Remember also that Paul commanded believers, saying:
Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its lusts…. For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace (Romans 6:12,14 NASB).
As those who have accepted Christ’s sacrifice for our sins, we are under grace, and we, therefore, have a choice. We are powerful. Paul said, “Do not let…,” implying that the believer now has the power to choose against sin. We are not victims or slaves of sin as we once were. If we sin, it is because we choose to.
Another example of the choice we must make is seen in the story of Cain and Abel. “The Lord said to Cain ‘…sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it’” (Gen. 4:6-7). Notice that God did not say that sin was within Cain and that he had no choice but to obey its whims. Choice is always a factor.
However, Paul also said in Romans 6 that when we do choose to sin, we give sin the throne in our lives (sin reigns and we obey). So although we are powerful and free because of Christ, we allow sin to be our master. When we choose lust, we are giving up self-control and selling our freedom to the old flame, the porn star, the stripper, or the prostitute. We must value our freedom enough to choose self-control.
When we choose self-control, God’s grace empowers us to maintain that choice. Jesus Christ provided grace through His death and resurrection. Though people often group mercy and grace together, their concepts are not synonymous. Many of us have heard the difference defined like this: Mercy is not getting what we deserve (death), and grace is getting what we don’t deserve (life). Grace literally empowers believers to walk in all that God has designed them to walk in. God’s grace is a gift to us that enables us to live victorious lives here and now. Once we begin to receive God’s grace as a gift that empowers us, we will reign in life. Romans 5:17 says that Jesus provides us with an abundant provision of empowering grace so that we may reign—so that we may fulfill our call of living like Christ:
For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God’s abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ! (Romans 5:17)
It is important to note that Jesus provided us with righteousness, not as something achieved by works, but as a gift received by faith. Though many of us understand this concept with our minds, we still live as though we were trying to be righteous on our own. We try really hard, but inevitably we fail because we are acting apart from God’s grace.
So what does it mean to receive righteousness by faith (and not by trying hard)? We must realize that when God looks at us, He now sees the righteousness of Christ. Romans 4:5 says: “But to the one who does not work, but believes in Him who justifies the ungodly, his faith is credited as righteousness” (NASB). In His eyes, we are blameless and holy. That is our current identity because of Christ.
When we choose to believe what God says about us, we are enabled to receive His grace for righteous living. When we accept His truth about us, we no longer strive for approval through works; neither do we condemn ourselves by evaluating our potential based on our history. Rather, we simply accept God’s declaration of our righteousness. As God renews our minds according to this truth, we will begin to access the grace to live righteously.
Not only has God given us grace, but He has also given us the gift of His Holy Spirit living within us, who brings the fruit of self-control (see Gal. 5:22-23). This means that we have personal responsibility and freedom. It is absolutely incredible to realize that God wants us to be free. He doesn’t want to control us, as He has proven since the beginning, when He put two trees in the Garden of Eden. Pastor Danny Silk explains it well:
In the beginning, God created mankind to be free. There were no constraints in the Garden. Adam and Eve were running around naked (see Gen. 2:25)—no bras, no underwear, no bathing suits, nothing. This is God’s intended version of your life: absolute freedom. But what made the Garden free? It wasn’t that they were naked. No, the Garden was free because of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. “What?” you ask. “That’s the bad tree! How could that lead them to freedom?” Well, if they hadn’t had the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil in that Garden, they would have been trapped in a paradise prison. Without the option of making a poor choice in that environment, they would not have been free.3
As we know, Adam and Eve made the wrong choice and traded their freedom for sin. But God valued our freedom so much that He sent Jesus to purchase it back for us through His death on the cross.
Yes, our freedom is worth the death of Jesus because God intends that we use all that He has given us so that we will reign in life. Like Romans 5:17 says, we “who receive God’s abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ!” Now that Jesus has accomplished His work on our behalf, we have been given grace, which teaches us how to walk in self-control. Because of Jesus’ grace and freedom, we never have to be controlled by outside forces. Rather, grace empowers us to operate in self-control:
For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave Himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for Himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good (Titus 2:11-14).
If we do not understand that our self-control is empowered by the grace of God, then we will try to control our flesh by the strength of our flesh, and this will always fail. Jesus has provided the fruit of the Spirit for us; without the Spirit, we can’t operate in His fruit. For those trying to enact their own righteousness through works, this list can feel like the most awful of standards. Only God’s grace enables us to walk in any of the fruit, including self-control.
To the man struggling with lust, the most irritating of the nine fruit of the Spirit is self-control. He may feel that he is doing well in the other eight, but self-control eludes him.
Many have described self-control as “the ability to say no to sin.” Under this definition, the man struggling with lust will feel like a daily failure. Yet this definition of self-control is inherently flawed because of its narrowness. Self-control is not simply the ability to say no to sin. I would propose that the definition of self-control is better expressed as “my being the only one who determines my responses in life.” This shift of definition has far-reaching implications. In the past when we were controlled by fear or lust, there were forces of sin that literally ran our lives and controlled us. Not only has their control been removed by Jesus’ death on the cross, but we also have been given back the reins of our own lives. That is what self-control means.
You are powerful because God has given you self-control. Self-control gives you the power of choice. If you are controlled by outside forces, then your decisions are not truly your own; therefore, you are not operating in freedom. Once you begin to walk in self-control, you realize that you are the only one controlling your life and decisions; therefore, you become able to make powerful choices. Powerful people are not controlled by outside forces. They literally command and direct their own decisions, and they take full responsibility for their own actions and consequences.
Jesus’ intention was for His followers to have the freedom to walk in self-control and to be powerful people. About this, Paul wrote:
It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery.…For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another (Galatians 5:1,13 NASB).
Here Paul clearly connects freedom with self-control and the ability to choose powerfully. He exhorts us to choose love rather than returning to slavery to sin. This call to powerful decision-making comes just before Paul’s list of the fruit of the Spirit. Jesus has called us to freedom, and we live out that freedom by making powerful decisions based on the truth of God’s Word and the characteristics (fruit) of the Spirit. We are no longer subject to the yoke of our whims or emotions or desires; rather, we are actually able to choose love, no matter the circumstance.
When we are mistreated, self-control does not simply keep us from responding wrongly, but it also gives us the power to respond rightly, in love. The old definition of self-control only gave us the power to say no to wrongdoing. The new definition empowers us to say no to wrongdoing and make the choice to walk proactively in love.
For a man tempted to embrace sexual sin, this is not just “bouncing” his eyes or beating his flesh into submission, but truly considering the needs of the people in his life (his wife, his children, his parents, the women he is tempted to objectify, and so forth) and being compelled by his and Christ’s love for them. Self-control manifested in love looks like this: A man who’s tempted to go to a strip club, instead asks the Lord for His heart for the girls who work there. Receiving the revelation that they are loved, but deeply-wounded daughters of God, he begins praying for their salvation and healing. Perhaps he even sends them flowers from God.
Here’s another scenario: A married man sits in front of his computer feeling tempted to look at pornography; instead, he asks God to show him how He sees his wife. From that revelation of love, he not only chooses against clicking on the wrong sites, but also decides to surprise his wife with a meaningful expression of his value for her. We will discuss this more in the third section entitled, “Who Is She?”
The truth of self-control is that you are powerful and you can always choose to control yourself. Self-control means that nothing outside of you is running your life—not your angry boss, your rebellious children, your nagging wife, your critical mother-in-law, the evil spirits of lust, generational curses, the wounds from your past, or anything else. Absolutely nothing can control you because the Holy Spirit gave the reins of your life back to you. This is an awesome and empowering truth!
You are in charge of you. First Corinthians 9:25 says, “Everyone who competes in the games exercises self-control in all things. They then do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable” (NASB). Paul highlights self-control as the key to victory, and through Jesus’ blood, you now possess that key. Victory over sexual temptation is possible because you have been given self-control—because you are a powerful person.
Nobody can make you angry. You have the power to choose how to respond when others injure you. Nobody can steal your peace. You always get to choose how to respond. You are the only one in control of you. Nobody can make you follow your lustful thoughts. You always get to make the choice. The lie that counselors teach is that you are out of control. You are not out of control; you are just making stupid choices with the control that you have been given. You are choosing to return to that “yoke of slavery” (Gal. 5:1). But you don’t have to.
You get to choose how to live your life. You can respond with kindness and forgiveness, or anger and bitterness. It is always your choice, and nobody can force you to choose differently. Paul and Silas chose to sing hymns and pray after being unjustly beaten and imprisoned (see Acts 16:22-25). When David’s city was raided, all of the women and children were taken captive, and his men talked of stoning him in their despair; David instead chose to strengthen himself in God’s goodness (see 1 Sam. 30:1-6). When Corrie Ten Boom, a Holocaust survivor, encountered one of the soldiers who had years earlier killed her sister, she chose to forgive him and welcome that repentant soldier into the family of God.4 These people and many others have made powerful choices, whether in the midst of incredible adversity or in the face of daily stresses and temptations. You can too.
When you see an attractive woman, nobody can make you lust; it is merely a choice. You could choose not to lust, but unless you realize that you are in charge of yourself, you will live as a victim. When you live without self-control, you will constantly be fighting with overwhelming outside forces. Paul the apostle wrote:
“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but I will not be mastered by anything” (1 Corinthians 6:12).
Paul was a powerful person who understood that self-control meant that nothing outside of him could control him. Only you are controlling you; no one else is responsible for the decisions you make. The Holy Spirit has given you self-control, and like Paul, you can choose to “not be mastered by anything.”
This reminds me of a scene from the boxing movie, Rocky Balboa. Rocky had recently decided to come out of retirement to fight the leading and undefeated world champion. The media is predicting Rocky’s humiliating loss. Rocky’s adult son, Robert, has lived his whole life in his father’s shadow and is struggling to make it in the corporate world. In fear of his own reputation being tarnished, Robert comes by Rocky’s restaurant to ask his father not to go back into boxing. You can see from their conversation that Robert doesn’t feel like he is in control of his own life. (Be sure to read the following dialogue in true Rocky fashion, with a Philly accent).
Robert: So you are going through with this?
Rocky: Yeah, I start training tomorrow.
Robert: So are you nervous about the fight?
Rocky: I am scared to death.
Robert: You don’t look scared.
Rocky: Well, you’re not supposed to.
Robert: You don’t have to do it.
Rocky: Yeah, well, I think I do.
Robert: You know, livin’ with you, it hasn’t been easy. People see me, but they think of you! Now with all this going on, it is going to be worse than ever!
Rocky: It don’t have to be.
Robert: Yeah, sure it does!
Rocky: Why? You have got a lot going on for you, kid!
Robert: What, my last name? That’s the reason I got a good job, that’s the reason that people deal with me in the first place. Now, I start to get ahead, I start to get a little something for myself, and this happens! Now, I am asking you, as a favor, not to go through with this. This is only going to end up bad for you, and it is only going to end up bad for me.
Rocky: You think I am hurting you?
Robert: Yeah, in a way you are!
Rocky: That is the last thing that I ever wanted to do.
Robert: I know that is not what you wanted to do, but that is just the way that it is! Don’t you care what people think? Doesn’t it bother you that people are making you out to be a joke and that I am going to be included in that? Do you think that’s right? Do you?
(Rocky pauses.)
Rocky: You ain’t gonna believe this, but you used to fit right here (pointing to the palm of his hand). I used to hold you up and say to your mother, this kid’s going to be the best kid in the world.
(Robert rolls his eyes.)
Rocky: This kid is going to be somebody better than anybody I ever knew. And you grew up good and wonderful. It was great just watching you and every day was like a privilege. Then, the time came for you to be your own man and take on the world. And you did…but somewhere along the way you changed, you stopped being you. You let people stick a finger in your face and tell you that you’re no good! And when things got hard you started looking for something to blame, like a big shadow. Let me tell you something you already know; the world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody else is gonna hit us as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you can hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take and keep moving forward! That’s how winnin’ is done! Now, if you know what you are worth, go out and get what you are worth! But you have gotta be willing to take the hits! And not be pointing fingers saying that you are not where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that. And that ain’t you! You are better than that! I am always going to love you no matter what, no matter what happens. You are my son, you are my blood, you are the best thing in my life. But until you begin believing in yourself, you ain’t gonna have a life.5
Rocky was not only physically strong, he was also emotionally strong. He had a high level of self-control. Even while his son was yelling at him, he spoke words of unconditional love, honor, and strength into Robert. Rocky is a beautiful picture of the power of self-control. He made choices based on his own heart and was not swayed by the fear of what others would say or do. His son, Robert, however, had become a coward by living as if he was not in control of his own life. Robert lived as a victim of outside forces.
People who do not understand this concept of self-control feel powerless and, like Rocky’s son Robert, believe themselves to be victims of their circumstances. While some people do become victims of circumstance in an outward sense, the reality is that they still have a choice about their inward response to those circumstances. It may be difficult to hear, but even those who suffer from the most horrendous crimes—such as rape, the murder of a loved one, torture, and so forth—must face the reality of their personal responsibility to choose their response and their ability to choose either hatred, anger, and bitterness, or love, mercy, and forgiveness. This is certainly not an easy choice, and I in no way intend to undermine the pain of victimization. Yet the fact remains that we all have a choice, no matter our circumstance or struggle.
Viktor Frankl, an Austrian Jewish author and psychiatrist, suffered in the Auschwitz concentration camp of Nazi Germany. During that time, as everything he valued and based his identity upon was stripped from him, he came to a powerful realization, which he writes about in his book Man’s Search for Meaning. The following excerpt is quoted in an article by Uri Paz:
A person is not an object among other objects. Objects determine each other’s path. A human being, on the other hand, is graced with the power of self-definition. His path and his destiny—of course within the framework of his abilities and environment—he decides himself. In the concentration camps, in that living laboratory, we saw some of our comrades behaving like pigs and others behaving like saints. Both alternatives are hidden in a person; and which will be realized depends on decisions and not on conditions.6
Though Frankl was outwardly a victim of Nazi brutality, inwardly he realized his ability to be powerful and chose to walk in forgiveness toward his captors.
Regardless of circumstances, people who feel powerless and who do not operate in self-control will refuse to take personal responsibility for their lives. They will continually play the blame game. They will blame a sin nature, the devil, those tempting women, their parents, and so forth. Only when you understand that only you are in control of yourself, can you fix your problem. You were powerful enough to choose sin; therefore, you are powerful enough to choose not to sin. You are not a victim; you are not powerless. No, you are powerful. You are powerful because you are the only one who controls you. Nothing and nobody outside of your skin can cause you to sin. Self-control means that you are responsible for your own choices, feelings, actions, and reactions. Either you have self-control or, like Robert Balboa, you are playing the victim and allowing everyone else to run your life.
Self-control is essential to personal freedom. If you want to live in freedom, you must take responsibility for your life by choosing to be self-controlled and powerful. Imagine a red-faced man who is angry and yelling. Imagine him getting up in your face, poking you with his finger, and cursing you out. Imagine he’s attacking your character, accusing you of being dishonest or greedy or stupid. How would you respond? Would you get angry and yell back? Would you emotionally withdraw and walk away feeling hurt and bitter? Would you try to appease him with excuses and blame-shifting? Or would you act like a powerful, self-controlled man who knows he’s his own boss and is responsible for his own decisions? When you have self-control, you can calmly listen to the angry man, hear his heart, and thoughtfully respond. Without self-control, you become manipulated by and afraid of his anger, and you live a reactive life. God gave you self-control so that you would always be free to respond under your own power, rather than living reactively.
Being a self-controlled person who takes responsibility for his life is the first step to freedom. The second step is to understand how powerful people deal with their inward lives in order to remain emotionally and relationally healthy.
People who are not self-controlled usually have dysfunctional relationships and fear true intimacy. Because they do not believe that they are the only ones who have control of their lives, they fear that transparency will enable others to control them. Thus, they create façades and play control games. As powerless people, because of hurt or fear, they compulsively hide. However, Second Timothy 1:7 says, “For God didn’t give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-control” (WEB). Powerful people choose to open their hearts and share their feelings.
As terrifying as it might seem, the most powerful thing you can do is be open, honest, and vulnerable. The apostle Paul, as a powerful person, modeled this to the Corinthian church and exhorted them to also open their hearts to him:
We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you. We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. As a fair exchange—I speak as to my children—open wide your hearts also (2 Corinthians 6:11-13).
As humans, we are made for intimate and transparent relationships. I’m not speaking of sexual intimacy, though that is part of intimacy within marriage; rather I’m speaking of the intimate and transparent sharing of thoughts and emotions—letting another person “see into” us. Not only did God make us to be intimate with Himself, but also to have transparent relationships with each other.
We are at our best when we have a safe environment in which we can be vulnerable. However, most people have had hurtful experiences that suggest an emotional link between transparency and the fear of rejection or pain. Because of this, they become self-protected and emotionally disconnected. Though they long to be transparent and to experience intimacy because it is part of their design, they hide from it because of fear.
Many attempt to fill their relationship-void with things rather than people; this counterfeit intimacy is called addiction—an emotional bond with an object or substance (which they can control) rather than a person (whom they cannot control). The irony, of course, is that ultimately such people give the control of their lives to the object of their addiction.
As part of the decision to be powerful people, we must embrace intimacy, which is a crucial aspect of the freedom of self-control that Jesus purchased for us. Healthy intimacy and freedom cannot be separated. Among powerless people, the goal of communication is to convince others, to control them by forcing agreement. As powerful people, we understand that we cannot control others, but only ourselves.
The flip side of this is the liberating realization that others cannot control us, which means that we do not need to fear being emotionally intimate with them. We are free to share our hearts because we know that we will not be controlled by their responses. Thus, the goal in communication becomes understanding and connecting. Because we are self-controlled, we are able to seek to understand what is going on inside of another person without feeling the need to control that person in order to protect our own emotions.
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love (1 John 4:18).
The intimacy and safety of perfect love (of which self-control is a part) casts out fear. The converse is also true. Fear casts out love and disables intimacy. As powerful people, we choose not to fear other people and their responses. We know they can’t control us, and we know we can’t control them. Rather, we choose to act in love by opening our hearts and seeking to establish healthy connection.
The differences between healthy, powerful communication and unhealthy, powerless communication are outlined in the four standard communication types: Aggressive, Passive, Passive-Aggressive, and Assertive. The first three are dysfunctional and powerless; only the fourth, Assertive, provides an emotionally healthy option. Here is a simple way to define these based on the unspoken motto of each type:
Passive and Aggressive are complementary communication types. Passive people are afraid of rejection, of the accusation of selfishness, and of conflict. Therefore, passive people simply give way to the people around them; often they do this in the name of “laying down their lives for others” just like Jesus did. Let me be clear: Jesus did not passively allow others to walk all over Him. The Bible says that no one could take His life from Him, but that He chose to lay it down because it was His Father’s will (see John 10:17-18). At no other time during His earthly life did Jesus “lay down” before the demands of others. Rather, He consistently made powerful choices based on the Father’s will and not on popular opinion.
Passive communication in the name of Jesus is simply the spiritualization of fear. The reality is that people who communicate passively are unable to experience intimacy because they allow no one to know what they really believe or feel. Unfortunately, over time this communication style often creates people who feel used, neglected, disrespected, powerless, and resentful. Passive people are the quintessential victims, believing themselves subject to the whims of others. In order to find freedom, they need to acknowledge their power to choose, and they need to take responsibility for the dysfunction they contribute to relationships through their refusal to open their hearts in intimacy.
The Aggressive communication style pairs well with the Passive because aggressive people are very efficient at invalidating the needs of the people around them. They don’t trust anyone and never open their hearts to others. Rather, their bottom line is getting what they want, often through control and forcefulness.
Passive-Aggressive, as the name implies, is a combination of the first two. Passive-aggressive people pretend to care about others. Their communication resembles the Passive style, but they make sure they get their way through subtle manipulation, including sarcasm, innuendo, double meanings, and unclear communication. Sadly, this communication style is often the most acceptable attitude within the Church.
Each of these three communication types promotes anxiety, guardedness, and selfishness. Relationships founded on one or more of these styles will lack trust, connection, safety, and nurturing because the people involved are not self-controlled, but are reacting in various ways to the fear of transparency.
In contrast to these is the Assertive communication style. Assertive people value understanding and mutual respect; thus, they hold themselves responsible to maintain respect levels and to protect healthy communication. They value both their own feelings and the feelings of others, thereby creating a dynamic in which there are no victims and no opponents, but rather fully-valued humans in conversation. This type of communication creates a safe place for vulnerable sharing of emotions, including being gut-level honest about hurts and fears.
Such people make the powerful choice to listen to others, to sincerely care about how they feel, and to endeavor to understand. They also choose to act powerfully by courageously sharing from their hearts. Thus they are sources of strength and comfort, leading to true biblical intimacy. Clearly, as people who are self-controlled and powerful, we have only one acceptable communication style—Assertive.7
When we open our hearts, we form connections with other people. As we do that, we must learn to understand and protect those connections.8 Although for many people, the primary goal in relationships is to protect themselves from being hurt; as powerful people, one of our primary goals must be protecting the connections we form with others. Those connections in Scripture are called harmony, which is translated from the Greek word sumphonea, which literally means “to sound together.”9 It is often also translated as “agreement” or “concord.”
From sumphonea, we get our English word symphony. Most of us have heard at the very least a portion of a recorded musical symphony, yet we might not realize that one of the distinguishing characteristics of symphonies is their length and the complexity and variety of sound. When applied to other areas of life, symphony can be simply defined as something with “harmonious complexity and variety.”10
Applying this word to our connections, we can see that powerful relationships are characterized by an appreciation of complexity (depth) and variety (differences). In harmonious relationships we do not try to force agreement or assimilation, but are able to savor our uniqueness and the ways our various “sounds” (personalities, opinions, passions, and so forth) flow together to make something beautiful. Of course, the beauty comes only as we express our individuality within the harmonious structure. In other words, we have to maintain respect and love through self-control and powerful communication.
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited (Romans 12:14-16).
In Romans, Paul commands us to live in harmony with one another, yet, as we have seen, this is not simply the absence of fighting. Harmony indicates strength of relationship, an intertwining. Harmony is a symphony of people in healthy, powerful relationships. Such harmony—which really is like the masterful coordination of sounds and instruments that creates a beautiful composition—must be nurtured, cultivated, and protected in order to be sustained.
Many people live in complete disharmony with their friends and spouses because of fear. They feel controlled by outside forces, and fear keeps them from opening their hearts and powerfully communicating their feelings and needs. They fear how others will respond so they close their hearts. We do not have to live this way. No matter how many times we have been hurt, we still have choices. We all have the opportunity to walk in harmony in our relationships and to be connected heart-to-heart, but we must choose to walk through the fear of being open and assertive. That is the powerful choice that will lead to health and harmony.
Let’s examine a practical example of how the communication types play out. The patriarch Jacob and his birth family aptly illustrate the first three communication types (see Gen. 25–30), and the unexpected end of their story demonstrates the redemptive power of Assertive communication.
Their story’s dysfunctions and powerless power struggles are similar to many of ours. Isaac, Jacob’s father, takes the Passive role. Though he is the head of the family, he fails to reprimand Esau for being aggressive or Jacob and Rebekah for being manipulative. Instead, he seems to be pulled along by the current of events created by the other members of his family. The counterpart of Isaac’s Passive style is Esau, the Aggressive eldest son (see Gen. 27:41). Not surprisingly, he is the favored son who has his father “wrapped around his little finger.”
Struggling against the Aggressive domination of Esau, we find Jacob, the younger brother, and Rebekah, their mother. In classic Passive-Aggressive style, Jacob and Rebecca enact a series of manipulative tactics to usurp Esau’s place of control. First Jacob manipulates Esau into giving him his birthright (see Gen. 25:29-34). Later, Rebekah directs Jacob to manipulate Isaac by disguising himself as Esau (see Gen. 27:5-17). Jacob then deceives the blind and dying Isaac into believing that Jacob is actually Esau, and as a result, Jacob steals Esau’s blessing from his father (see Gen. 27:18-38). Finally, Jacob manipulates his uncle Laban (who also demonstrates Passive-Aggressive tendencies) in order to claim the strongest and healthiest of Laban’s flocks for himself (see Gen. 30:25-43). Jacob’s relationships were a big, powerless mess.
But along the way, Jacob encounters God, gaining a revelation of himself that changes everything. After deceiving Laban, Jacob and his household travel back to their home in Canaan. On their way, they have to pass through the land where Esau now lives, and Jacob fears that his brother will take revenge on him. The night before he must meet Esau, Jacob pleads with God to deliver him. He also sends ahead presents for Esau in hopes of appeasing him (which is another manifestation of Passive-Aggressive behavior). In the night, however, the angel of the Lord comes to wrestle with Jacob, and through that encounter Jacob receives a new name—Israel—and a blessing from God (see Gen. 32). Though not many details are given, I think it is safe to assume that wrestling with God all night would have changed Jacob’s perspective on many things. Certainly, he would have come to the conclusion that, if he could hold his ground in a divine wrestling match (as he did), he could begin to live a powerful, responsible life.
The next morning, the dreaded encounter with Esau occurs. Yet instead of the anger or blaming or manipulation we might expect, the two brothers communicate with sincerity and openness, even embracing and weeping in each other’s arms. There is no mention of the past offenses, but only warmth and generosity. Rather than running or manipulating, they face each other directly, which is an unmistakable display of Assertive communication (see Gen. 33:1-16).
As evidenced in the life of Jacob, Assertive communication is the only healthy, powerful option. It requires opening the heart and risking vulnerability, knowing that even if others hurt you, they cannot control you. It cares about the needs of others rather than trying to control them. Bottom line: Powerful and assertive people value intimacy, and they are willing to risk getting hurt in order to create healthy connections. The three dysfunctional types of communication are self-protective, but they create separation. Because Assertive communication opens the heart and shares vulnerably about hurts and fears, it leads to great connections.
Many have become paralyzed in anger, hurt, or fear. These conditions keep them from opening their hearts and being assertive. Have we done the same? What has hurt us or scared us? What has kept us from communicating assertively with those we love? As powerful and self-controlled men, we must learn to walk in Assertive communication in order to manage our inner lives and maintain healthy relationships.
Write at least five answers to the following questions on a separate sheet of paper.
Now take the scenarios that you wrote about in Tool 1 and write out a powerful decision for each scenario such as:
Look at the four communication types and identify the following: In the past I have been: (circle one)
| Aggressive | Passive | Passive/Aggressive | Assertive |
Take the time to explain these four types to your spouse or a close friend (if you are single). Ask them which of the four they have seen in you. Ask them to give you examples.
List at least five character defects of the communication type that you have walked in. Next to them, list the five positive traits of Assertiveness that counteract the defects named.
Write out your action plan for each trait. Example: When I feel like closing my heart and hiding in passivity, I will choose instead to be assertive and keep my heart open. I will make a powerful choice.