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Angela looked at her reflection in the mirror. It was a decent impression of a biker babe.
She was wearing the same black jeans and long-sleeved shirt she wore last time she rode on the back of Kieran’s motorcycle. She smoothed her long hair back into a sleek ponytail, low enough to put the helmet over, and applied a coat of shiny lip balm.
She glanced at her watch, it was almost 9:45 and she was ready to go. She couldn’t wait to see Kieran again.
Kieran had barely knocked on Angela’s door when she pulled it open. They stared at each other for a brief instant before rushing into each other’s arms and kissing as though they hadn’t seen each other in months instead of just the night before. Kieran managed to close the door and throw the deadbolt without breaking their embrace. He guided Angela around the coffee table to her hand-me-down sofa covered with a soft ivory blanket, and laid her down, covering her with his body. Angela pushed Kieran’s thick jacket off, not wanting any more barriers between them: real or imagined.
Their mouths explored each other with achingly soft and tender licks: probing, tasting, searching. Angela’s leg wound around Kieran’s, pulling his erection tight against her belly. Kieran groaned and her pelvis ached with the sweet pressure.
After many minutes, Kieran broke away, and looked at Angela with a hungry need that made her stomach flip-flop in anticipation. “How about we go get breakfast?” he asked evenly but with a shortness of breath that gave away just how much self-control he was exercising.
“I’m not hungry...for food,” she replied with an arch of her brow.
He answered her raised brow with his own. “Neither am I, but I really want to talk to you. Let’s go for a short ride and get some air. You haven’t been on a motorcycle since our last ride, right? I bet you are dying to get on Marilyn,” he asked, referencing his vintage Triumph motorcycle by name.
She narrowed her eyes. “How would you know? Maybe I have some other motorcycle friend who I ride with,” she baited him teasingly.
“Oh, is that how it is. Come on you naughty thing,” he said with a playful growl as he swatted her ass. “I love you in your motorcycle clothes by the way.”
Angela mock curtsied a thank you. They were twins in black today. She couldn’t wait to get onto the back of his bike and cling to him the way she had that one day so long ago. Only today she would be holding him tightly, instead of keeping her distance—both physical and emotional. She zipped up her jacket, grabbed her sunglasses and keys, and off they went.
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“How did you hear about this place?” Angela asked her eyes wide.
They were eating the best Greek omelettes and home fries either of them had ever eaten at a restaurant called the Country Deli at the base of the scraggly, sandstone hills of Chatsworth, California.
It had been a beautiful 30-minute ride north through the San Fernando Valley, to a more rural part of Los Angeles completely foreign to Angela. Out here, the properties were huge and the air smelled of horses.
Kieran nodded as he swallowed. “My mom told me about it. It’s been here since the 70’s. It’s famous!”
“Rightfully so. The food is incredible.”
The restaurant was a kitschy blend of traditional Jewish deli with a country western theme tacked on. It was a strange mixing of cultures, but the food was incomparable, and it was just the right distance from Angela’s apartment building for a nice motorcycle ride.
Riding on the back of Kieran’s bike had been even better than Angela remembered. She loved the feel of his body flexing and moving with the machine, and quickly matched his rhythm, moving with him as one as they gently swayed from side to side. It was easy to imagine how amazing it would be matching his rhythm in bed; she was hot and swollen just thinking about it.
Surprisingly, she had never thought about being with him in that way. She’d been so good at compartmentalizing her feelings towards Kieran, that she’d never allowed herself to go there. But now that she’d been underneath him and felt his erection against her, she couldn’t wait to be naked with him. She already knew it would be amazing.
Whenever they stopped at a light, he would pat her hand with his own as though checking to make sure she was really there. She’d rock forward against him in response, enjoying having him between her legs.
She chewed on her lower lip. She wanted him in her bed now. She looked at him through narrowed eyes as she swiped her home fries through a puddle of ketchup. “Are you done? Because I’d love to get out of here.”
His eyes and mouth widened into o’s. He cleared his throat and wiped his hands on his napkin. He took her hand in his, and gave her a dimpled smile. “Angela honey, there is no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to say it. I'm celibate.”
Angela almost choked on her potatoes. She must have misheard him. She ran the sentence through her mind trying to figure out what Kieran actually said, but couldn't find an alternative that made sense. Celibate? In the most sensitive voice she could muster she repeated, “Celibate?”
“Yes Angela, celibate,” he said with a curious smirk.
Angela was confused by how blasé Kieran was being about this. Was she wrong to be shocked? Or was it surprised? Or was it disappointed? She didn't know what to say. The kisses from last night and this morning didn’t feel like celibacy to her. “I got nothing,” she said shaking her head, her palms up in resignation.
He sighed as he wiped his mouth with his napkin. He put his hands on the table. “Let me explain. When Olivia cheated on me, I was crushed. We tried to make it work, to forgive and forget, but I couldn't. I was pissed. So was her best friend Rebecca. When everything was settled with the bookstore—and she was finally out of my life—I went on a dating binge.” He paused to gauge Angela's understanding. When she nodded for him to continue he said, “Women were my distraction. I guess it was better than drinking or drugs. Part of me just needed to see what was wrong with me that Olivia would do what she did. Finally, after sleeping with enough women I realized it wasn't me, it was her.”
Angela could see the difficulty Kieran was having sharing this story with her. She reached across the table, took his hand and interlaced their fingers; squeezing his hand as a show of support.
He gave her a forlorn smile. “After I finally realized that there was nothing wrong with me, and I was tired of sleeping with women that I was attracted to but didn't particularly like, I decided to take a break. It was easier for me to go cold turkey than to just ease off. This was the same time I got serious about meditation, and about editing out the unimportant things in my life and leaving more space for what was important.
“So I stopped dating, stopped having sex, stopped having any sort of romantic relationships with women and put all of that energy into Jabberwocky; into making her a success. She's been my girlfriend ever since and she's never let me down,” he winked, giving Angela a dimpled smile.
Kieran paused, allowing Angela the opportunity to digest what he said. He took a swig of coffee and winced. He gestured to a waiter who refilled it speedily.
Angela's mind was spinning. Everything that Kieran said made a lot of sense. It explained things he had alluded to in the past, and felt like the final puzzle piece in the mystery that was Kieran.
But what did that mean for them? Did he want to be with her or didn't he?
She grabbed a piece of buttery rye toast and ate it to buy her some more time. This was not a situation she had ever encountered before. She cleared her throat and began speaking hesitantly, “Sorry if this sounds rude but what does this mean for us?”
Kieran shook his head. “I'm not sure Ange. This is new territory for both of us. The truth is, celibacy was hard for the first six months and challenging for the first year, but since then it's been easy. Life is so much less complicated without engaging in relationships with emotionally fraught or immature people.”
Angela narrowed her eyes. Am I emotionally fraught or immature? Maybe he isn’t attracted to me. No, that couldn't be it, clearly he is attracted to me. Her thoughts ran wild with speculation. “Soooo, what do you want to do?” Angela suddenly felt drained.
This was definitely not the way she had expected this day to develop, and this conversation was a real buzzkill to the joy she got from the motorcycle ride and the delicious meal.
He squeezed her hand and smiled, urgency in his voice as he said, “Ange, I want to be with you. You are the first person I've wanted to be with in five years. But I want to take things slow, and I want you to understand why. It has nothing to do with you. But sex means something very different to me now than it used to, and I need to honor that.”
Angela frowned. She had always known that Kieran was far more philosophical and spiritual than she was, but it wasn't until now that she fully grasped just how much more. This conversation made her feel small and shallow. How long would it be before Kieran realized that she wasn't as evolved as he was?
Angela unlaced their hands and returned hers to her lap. She looked down at her plate, trying to decipher some imaginary message there that would explain to her what to say or do. She felt cold. “I want to go home please.”
Kieran reached across the table, his hands open. “Ange, talk to me.”
“I want to go home please,” she said it firmer this time, her eyes still averted. She knew that if she looked into his eyes, the tears would come and she didn't want that to happen. She didn't want him to know how vulnerable she felt. It was still too soon to gamble with her heart. She thought she was ready, but now she wasn’t sure.
She needed to protect herself.
“Ange...” his voice trailed off pleadingly.
She stood up from the table and walked out the door without turning back to see if Kieran was following. As soon as she was outside the restaurant, she put on her helmet, grateful for the privacy it afforded.
He hurried across the parking lot towards her. “Angela, please. Let's talk.”
She remained silent. If she spoke, he would know that she was on the verge of tears, so she stood there silent with her arms crossed. I just need to hold it together until I get home.
Kieran sighed deeply as he ran his hands through his thick black curls. “Angela?” he asked one last time.
She continued to stand there silently, her lip quivering beneath the protective visor.
He shook his head as he put on his helmet and started the motorcycle. He offered Angela his hand to help her get on.
She ignored his hand, and held on to the U-bar on the back of the bike, just like that day they’d ridden through Topanga. Fortunately, the ride back to her apartment was flat, and she wouldn't need to hang on to Kieran to be safe. She could keep her distance: physical and emotional.
Her heart and throat ached as she fought to minimize the tears that threatened to pour down her face. She didn't want the damn to burst until she was in the comfort of her own home.
As soon as the motorcycle pulled up to her apartment building, Angela bolted off the bike. She sprinted up the stairs and let herself in without taking off the helmet. She locked the door behind her, removed the helmet, and flung it to the floor where it hit the carpeted floor with a dull thud. She raced into her bedroom and flopped on the bed as the tears began streaming down her face, mourning the end of a relationship that had never really begun.
She heard Kieran's steps on her stairwell. He knocked loudly. “Angela.” Knock. Knock. Knock. “Angela, please, talk to me.” He knocked harder, rattling the chain on her door. “Angela, why are you doing this? Just talk to me. It doesn't have to be this hard.”
Angela ignored him.
The knocking on her door finally faded away.
Angela pulled out her mobile phone. There were calls from Therese and Dalia; no doubt wanting to know how things were going with Kieran. They had both shot her questioning looks last night when Kieran and she had been holding hands, but there had been no opportunity to fill them in.
She sighed, turned off her phone, and pulled the blankets around her.
“You're being a dumbass,” Dalia said with a loud humph over the phone.
As usual, her friend could be counted on for her delicate sensitivity.
Angela was sitting at her dining table, eating leftover chicken curry that she reheated. It was only a little after 6pm, but the sun had already set and the pitch black through her dining room window was ominous. Angela stood up and closed the ivory vertical blinds, welcoming their sterile brightness to the black hole of night.
“Thanks Dalia. Very helpful,” Angela answered back sarcastically.
“Look girl, all I'm saying is that you should have heard him out.”
She chewed on her chicken. “I didn't want to bawl like a baby in front of him. The whole time we’ve known each other I’ve been one big bundle of emotions. I just need some space to figure out what this all means.”
Dalia sighed. “Kieran is crazy about you. Why are you ending the relationship before it even begins?”
“Because Dalia, I've already had my heart broken this year and because...” she sighed and shook her head. “Besides, Kieran is also my colleague. I love working with him. I don't want to lose that. Maybe it's dumb of me to mix business and pleasure.” The reality of that sentence hit home hard for her. She was risking more than her heart with Kieran. She was risking her business as well.
“I just think you should have heard him out, that's all.”
Angela had an idea. Shifting gears, she said, “Hey, Dal. I have a hypothetical business question for you. Okay?”
“Shoot.”
“If you were an entrepreneur, do you think it's a good idea or a bad idea to become romantically involved with your business partner?”
Dalia hesitated. “Angela, are we talking about Kieran right now?”
Angela answered with an edge in her voice, “No Dalia, we aren't. We are simply speaking abstractly. Answer the question please.” She knew what Dalia’s answer would be. There was no way anyone could ever advise her to become romantically involved with a business partner. It made no sense.
“Angela...” Dalia pleaded.
“Answer the question please.”
Dalia sighed deeply. “No, of course not. I would never advise you to do that, but—”
“Thank you, that's all I needed to know. I'm exhausted, I gotta go. Lovya,” Angela said stringing the words together into one.
“Lovya too,” Dalia said with a sad tone to her voice.
Angela ignored Dalia's tone and put her phone down.
She felt better somehow.
She wasn't making an emotional decision, this had nothing to do with her or Kieran; this had to do with sound business principles. A shudder went up her back as she imagined the faces of her business professors lined up, looking at her sternly and shaking their heads as if admonishing her, “Have we taught you nothing?”
She ran the water in her tub and grabbed her dog-eared copy of Emma. Yes, she was doing the right thing.
She knew what she had to do tomorrow.
