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She knew she needed to call Kieran, but she was dreading it. Her phone felt like it weighed about a thousand pounds. She thought once more about how painful it would be if she lost him as a friend and business partner and it gave her just enough ammunition to finally call him.
He answered on the first ring his voice full of emotion, “Ange, I'm so glad you called—”
“Kieran, I don't have a lot of time to talk,” she interrupted him before he could say anything that would throw her off. “I'm just calling for one reason.”
“Go on,” he said, his voice full of apprehension.
“I'm sorry for running away from you yesterday, but our conversation gave me a lot to think about, and what I realized is that I don't think it's a good idea for us to pursue a romantic relationship.”
“But Angela—”
“Please just listen.” She couldn’t let him speak. If he said anything sweet, her heart might not be able to take it. “Our business relationship is very important to me. You yourself have been burned mixing business with pleasure. Let's be smart Kieran and not mess up the great friendship and working relationship we have.” Her heart felt heavy as she said the words even though it made perfectly logical sense.
––––––––
Kieran felt as though he had been slapped. Well isn’t this ironic. He remembered when he used this exact same argument on himself when they first met. But now he wanted so much more. He no longer wanted to compartmentalize Angela in just one part of his life; he wanted her to be his life.
His heart ached, heavy with his love for her, but he also knew that the only way they could have a successful relationship was if they both wanted it equally. He sighed heavily. “If that's how you feel.”
––––––––
Kieran’s words made Angela even sadder. He hadn't fought very hard after all. Maybe his feelings for her were not as strong as she had thought.
She shook away the thoughts, not wanting them to take root in her head. “Thanks Kieran. I'll see you at the shop tomorrow.”
She hung up the phone feeling like a deflated balloon.
She had said what she wanted and he had agreed.
So why did she feel so bad?
––––––––
The next day, she walked into Jabberwocky a few minutes before 11am. The winter sun hung low on the horizon, a warm orange color so different from its vibrant yellow in the summer.
How different things were today than that day a couple of weeks ago when Kieran first suggested that she come and work at the store.
“It will give you an opportunity to promote your book and really get to know what Jabberwocky's customers are like for your future books. Plus, I'll need the extra help as the holidays approach, so it’s a win-win-win situation,” he had said with his devastatingly beautiful smile and his seductive eyes.
Her heart ached remembering the way he had looked at her that day—so full of love and desire.
The holidays were approaching quickly and Halloween decorations filled the windows of the stores on Melrose with fake blood and rubbery body parts. Even Jabberwocky's window display had been dressed up with gauzy spider webs adorned with enormous, hairy, black spiders. Glossy black crows were scattered throughout the store, perching on books and bookshelves; some of them posed as though about to take off. A pumpkin-pie-scented soy candle wafted its seasonal fragrance through the space.
Kieran walked out of his office with a stack of books in his arms. He was wearing his usual uniform, but instead of his trademark mischievous smile, he looked somber. Angela ignored the pang in her heart, forcing a bright tone in her voice. “The store looks great! I love the crows. It looks like you and Hannah have been busy.” She handed him his helmet.
He took it silently and shrugged. “Yeah well, we spent the whole afternoon on it yesterday after I dropped you off,” he gave her a sideways look. She pretended not to notice. He continued, “I didn't want it to be bloody or gory though. Don't want to frighten the kids.”
Angela smoothed out her red cardigan. She had dressed carefully this morning, wanting to look nice but demure. She was wearing boot cut blue jeans with chunky brown boots that made her two-inches taller. She paired it with a red silk blouse that tied at the neck and was printed with gold leaves. Her long hair was up in a messy bun and she had on oval-shaped, gold hoops that looked like bamboo.
He gave her a pained expression. After a few heartbeats, his face seemed to clear and he said, “Do you remember how to work the register?”
Angela nodded. “Yeah, I think so.”
“Hannah will be in for the lunch rush. We've created a display of your books over near the reading area. Feel free to rearrange it if you want. Don't be shy promoting your book. Remember to recommend it as a gift. I'm going to step out...I have a uh...bank deposit to make. Can you put these out on the shelves?” He laid down the books he was holding on the register counter and quickly walked to his office.
“Okay, bye,” she said to his back. He raised his arm and waved it in the air without turning around.
She looked around the store that had always been a place of joy and inspiration for her. Today it felt cold and forlorn and she knew it wasn't because of the Halloween decorations.
This is what I wanted.
She sighed, grabbing the books Kieran had set down and quickly shelving them.
She moved over to the table where her book was displayed and gasped as she saw what Kieran created. Small clay models of famous Gaudi buildings decorated the largest table in the store. Her books were stacked on top of each other, standing open in a graduated circular tower that mimicked the spires of Sagrada Familia and the human towers created in the festival that she depicted in her book. It was a lovely display, and it twisted the knife in her heart just a bit more.
This sucks.
The bells of the front door chimed, indicating a customer’s presence. Angela was happy for the distraction and put on her best smile. “How can I help you?”
The weeks flew by and it gradually got easier and less awkward being at the store. Angela was learning a lot talking to Jabberwocky customers each day, sharing with them ideas for her new books. They were always thrilled to meet her and learn she was the author of the new book, which she had ultimately titled Un Día at the Festival.
Angela had to admit Kieran was right. Having Angela in the store was moving her book quickly. After only six weeks, they had already sold almost 500 units in the store and another 300 copies to other specialty bookstores in the area. The sales on Amazon were starting to pick up too. Her first printing of 1000 books was almost gone. The second printing of 3000 books was expected to arrive any day now and would hopefully last them through the holidays, although part of Angela would be thrilled if they sold out.
Kieran had already written Angela her first check for three-thousand dollars, saying, “Congratulations Angela, it's official. You are a paid author.” He had looked almost as proud as she felt.
Although Kieran had taken on the role of publisher and paid for all of the printing costs, he had been very generous in his royalty split with Angela. “I'll pay you 50% of the retail price for the books sold at the store and 35% of the retail price for books sold to other stores if you make the sales call. Sound good?” he asked one day.
She knew that most published authors only received 25% royalties on their books, so she was happy to spend her time working at Jabberwocky in exchange for the other percentage. Plus, her time there was proving to be an excellent education for her.
By her calculations, Angela had another $3,500-check coming her way soon. Of course, it wasn't anywhere close to the six-figure salaries some of her MBA friends were earning, but it was enough. The dream of quitting her transcription job glimmered on the horizon.
When it was slow at the shop, she spent her time making phone calls to other specialty bookstores and was slowly expanding Un Día’s reach to other parts of the country. She was also actively editing Los Leones and had begun working on a third manuscript. Kieran had advised that if she wanted a steady income from her writing she needed to have at least four books for sale. Her goal was to hit that mark in the next twelve months.
The front window of the store had transitioned from Halloween to Thanksgiving with paper leaves in a variety of red, green, and gold strung on invisible thread creating the illusion of falling leaves. The kids who came into the store loved to pick up the mounds of paper foliage scattered on the store floor and throw them in the air where the colors exploded like fireworks.
Then the golden leaves transitioned to snowflakes as the December holidays approached.
Angela and Hannah hummed along to the Christmas music as they worked on the window display. They were hanging festive, white twinkle lights and sparkling, silver-glitter, star-shaped ornaments. The biggest retail season of the year was upon them, and Angela had already noticed a rapid increase in foot traffic this past weekend after Thanksgiving.
The store was never empty now. There were no peaceful lulls to do nothing. Jabberwocky, and its customers, required attention constantly. Dust, ring-up, restock, dust, ring-up, restock. Angela had suggested that Kieran include an area for refreshments. A small table had been set up with complimentary coffee and tea from the coffee shop down the street. Angela had also brought in some Mexican wedding cookies she had baked, which added another festive touch with their snowball-like appearance.
“Wow, it really does pick up around the holidays,” Angela mused to Hannah. She sold a lot of her books the last few days, and glowed with pride every time a customer asked her to autograph it.
“Yup. Welcome to hell,” Hannah said with her usual deadpan delivery.
Angela shook her head at the young woman. Although Angela felt like Hannah needed an attitude adjustment, she couldn’t deny that Hannah was a hard worker and was trustworthy. She wished she knew of a way to better motivate her. MBA school had not taught her anything about how to effectively motivate minimum wage employees.
Angela often thought that while her graduate degree was certainly useful, the reality was that the MBA education was almost singularly focused on big business. There was a lot that her education had not taught her about how to manage a small business. But she was getting a great education at Jabberwocky, acting as the de facto manager whenever Kieran was away. Proof of her capability was visible in how all the employees deferred to her, despite the fact that all of them had more experience in the book industry.
Angela loved listening to the holiday music playing over the speakers. Christmas carols and other traditional songs were one of her favorite parts of the season, and she loved getting to listen to them all day long. Right now Elvis was crooning the words to “Blue Christmas” with his trademark warble. She could imagine his half-closed eyes and his impishly seductive smile trained on some poor defenseless woman about to swoon.
When the doorbells chimed she turned to the front offering her usual, “Welcome to Jabberwocky.”
“Hey Angela, long time no see.”
“RJ?” Angela asked in disbelief. “Oh my God it’s so good to see you. What are you doing here?” she asked as she hurried over to him and gave him a big hug.
RJ, whose real name was Rasheed Jasiyah, was a hilarious, beautiful man who was raised in Los Angeles to Pakistani parents. He had the brightest smile of any person Angela had ever known, which was made even more brilliant by the contrast against his dark chocolate skin.
Angela, Dalia, and RJ had been an inseparable unit in MBA school, but had not seen each other in over a year. In fact, the last time she was supposed to go out with RJ had been the night Kieran and Soren met almost exactly a year ago to the day.
What a difference a year can make.
“I'm here for my niece and nephew. I heard this was a good place to do some gift shopping,” he said with a playful wink. “Besides, it’s been too long since I’ve seen you. I figured I was overdue for a visit. I’m sorry I missed your book launch.” He gave her a sheepish smile.
She scowled. “I forgive you. I’ve really missed you.” She thought back to the many times over the last year when she wished he had been there: her birthday party, when she and Soren broke up, her book launch.
RJ shook his head mournfully. “Work is nuts. I’ve barely come up for air since our graduation. But my resolution for next year is to find better balance. That’s why I’m here.” He flashed his glowing smile.
It was impossible not to smile back at RJ. His grin was infectious. “Well, it's good to see you. Come see my book.” She looped her arm through his and pulled him over to the display table, pointing to the impressive arrangement. RJ whistled long and low.
“What? This is your book? That’s amazing!” He grabbed a copy and started flipping through.
“You’re buying twenty, right?” she asked as she nudged him in the ribs. It was strange how time just fell away and it was as if she had just seen him yesterday.
The front door tinkled the arrival of more customers. “Will you excuse me a second, it’s our busiest time of the year,” she explained to RJ with an apologetic look.
“Take your time, I’m going to read your book,” he said with a wink.
Angela went back to the register to ring up a waiting customer when she saw Kieran walking towards her with an annoyed look on his face. She gave him a quizzical look and he shook his head.
“Thanks and Happy Holidays,” Angela said to the departing customer. She turned to face Kieran. “What’s up?”
Without preamble he asked sullenly, “Who’s that?” lifting his chin in the direction of RJ.
Angela shook her head dismissively. “Just an old friend.”
“That’s all?”
Angela’s head snapped up. Was Kieran jealous? She studied the petulant look on his face. “Why do you ask?” she asked evenly.
“He seemed very friendly.”
RJ motioned to Angela. “Hold on, I’m going to go see what he wants.” As she walked over to RJ, she could still feel Kieran’s eyes boring holes into the back of her head.
“Your book is fantastic Angela, I can’t wait for my niece and nephew to read it.”
“Thanks RJ, that’s sweet.”
“I’m going to take twenty copies. Can you ring me up?”
Angela swatted at his arm. “I was just kidding. You don’t have to get that many.”
RJ gave her a serious look. “It’s the least I can do. I’ve been a bad friend this last year. Besides, I have a lot of friends with kids, I’m sure they’ll go to good use.”
Angela rang RJ up, then walked him out the front door.
“Do you have to stay, or could you grab something to eat?” RJ asked, as he placed the books in the front seat of his SUV.
Angela checked her watch. Jabberwocky would only be open another hour. “Yeah, I can eat. Let me grab my purse and coat.”
As she walked back in she noticed Kieran studying her, seriously. She walked behind the register counter and grabbed her things.
When she turned to leave, Kieran asked urgently, “Are you free for dinner tonight?”
“Actually, I was just going to tell you that I’m going out to dinner with my friend right now.” She glanced around the store. “You and Hannah can manage, right?”
Kieran’s face darkened, but he nodded. “How about tomorrow then?” he asked evenly. He looked at her earnestly and then added, “It’s important Angela. It can’t wait.”
She furrowed her brow. “Sure. I'm free tomorrow.”
Kieran exhaled with relief. “Great, we'll go to the Italian place around the corner once we close the store, okay?”
“Okay. See you tomorrow.” Angela waved as she headed out the door.
Kieran watched through the glass window as Angela got into RJ's brand-new, jet-black Cadillac Escalade. His jaw clenched as he watched RJ put his hand on Angela’s back and then suavely close the door for her. He could just imagine the new car smell and the black leather interior inside the car. He could have sworn that the other man had a little skip in his step that Kieran wasn’t happy about.
––––––––
RJ pulled into an Indian restaurant about a mile east of Jabberwocky. The air was warm with the aroma of cumin and turmeric fried in ghee. The low incandescent lights were topped with glass-beaded shades that, when coupled with the red carpet and upholstery, made the whole space glow a warm orange-red.
They sat down and ordered. RJ broke the ice with his usual tact and insight. “So what's up with you and Mr. Bossman?”
Angela started. “What do you mean?”
RJ pursed his lips in a knowing smile. “Don't give me that innocent look Angela, I can tell that you and Mr. Bossman have a thing going on. He’s a fine piece of work. Nicely done sister.” He waggled his finger at Angela playfully.
There was nothing RJ liked more than dishing about hot men.
“No really RJ, there is nothing going on between us. What made you think that?”
RJ got a puzzled expression on his face. “Really?” he said animatedly, clearly surprised that he was wrong. “There's nothing going on between you too? Huh, I could have sworn...”
Angela broke into his thoughts. “What made you think that there was?”
RJ sat up straighter, and began counting on his fingers. “Well first of all, there was the evil eye Mr. Bossman gave me whenever you were talking to me,” he leaned back into his chair and laughed. “Man, you should have seen his face when you hugged me goodbye. It looked like he wanted to punch me.”
“Really?” Angela’s voice went up an octave.
RJ nodded his head vigorously. “Oh yeah, he was giving off some strong caveman hormones,” he said as he slapped his chest comically and then pointed at Angela. “Me Tarzan, you Jane.”
Angela laughed. She had forgotten how funny he was; funny and insightful. “Hmmm, I didn't notice.”
“Yeah, well it wasn't directed at you. He was definitely throwing some ‘back away’ pheromones in my direction.” He arched a suggestive eyebrow in my direction. “Too bad he doesn’t play for my team.”
Their food arrived and Angela began eating as she contemplated what RJ had said. “You said 'first of all'. Was there another reason you thought we were together?”
He shrugged his shoulders as he nodded. “It was just a feeling. I've always felt that couples—happy couples that is—have a kind of invisible connection that you can feel. It's like a tether that connects them. It felt like you guys had it. That's all. My mistake.” He shrugged again as he dipped a bit of his samosa into the raita. “Man this samosa is good. I’ll have to bring my parents here sometime.”
Angela grew warm at RJ’s characterization. Did she and Kieran have this invisible tether? She kind of liked the idea.
The truth was the last couple of months had not been easy. Being so close physically to Kieran, and yet feeling emotionally distant, had been hard. “Well, you aren't completely wrong.”
RJ arched a perfectly groomed eyebrow and chewed patiently.
“We did sort of have a thing going on. I mean, well, we started to, but then I kind of put a stop to it before it really started.” She shrugged as she bit into some spicy, pickled carrots.
“That sounds complicated. Could you simplify it a little bit for me and just tell me the whole story?” RJ asked jokingly.
Angela could feel her defenses coming down. She needed an unbiased opinion. The only thing her girlfriends would say was that she had made a mistake.
She spent the next half-hour bringing RJ up to speed all the way up to deciding that it was best to not date Kieran because of their business relationship and the fact that she had been working full-time at the store since that date.
When Angela was through with her story RJ let out a long and low whistle. “Dang girl, that's like a soap opera. So Kieran's been waiting around for you for over a year while you were traipsing around Honolulu and Barcelona, dating Soren, and when he finally gets his chance you give him the Heisman? I missed a lot this year,” he said with a chuckle.
Angela laughed. “What’s the Heisman?”
RJ put out his right hand in a stiff-arm position mimicking the famous statue of college football. “You know. The Heisman Trophy. The guy on top of the trophy has his hand stuck out like this as in 'talk to the hand sucker’ while he’s protecting the football with his other arm,” he said with a comically serious look on his face.
Angela rolled her eyes. “Yes, I guess you can call it that.” Hearing him describe what she had done made her feel foolish. Two months ago, it had seemed like the right decision, but now she wasn't so sure.
RJ leaned into the table conspiratorially. “Why did you get so freaked out about Kieran being celibate?”
She shrugged. “I guess it brought out my insecurities. Like how could someone as evolved and mature as Kieran have feelings for shallow little me.”
“Honey, you aren't shallow. I’m shallow,” he said as he forked another bite of food into his mouth.
She shrugged. “It felt so intimidating at the time...”
“And now? How does it feel now?” RJ asked as he tilted his head to the side.
Angela let out a big sigh. “Now it just feels like I let my fears get the best of me.” Her shoulders caved in with the weight of her realization.
RJ nodded his head. “You know Angela, it sounds to me like you got scared and then you made up the whole 'we are business partners' thing to justify your actions so that you wouldn’t have to face your fears.”
“It’s not something I made up, it’s kind of a rule of mine.”
RJ rolled his eyes. “A rule of yours? Is that like the rule you had in MBA school about not dating someone until after two weeks?”
Angela nodded her head.
RJ chuckled as he shook his head. “I never understood your rules.”
Angela felt chilled to the bone. She had been pushing Kieran away all this time because she was afraid. Afraid of how strong her feelings were for him, afraid that she wouldn’t be enough for him, afraid that she would lose everything if she lost him. Kieran wasn’t just a beautiful face. He was no longer Mr. Tall-Dark-and-Dangerous. He had become a friend and confidante as well.
She sighed heavily. “You're right. I am afraid. But don’t I have a right to be afraid? I mean, if Kieran and I don't work out, I have a lot to lose RJ. He's not just my business partner; he's become one of my best friends. I don't know what I'd do without him in my life.”
She sucked in her breath in disbelief as the words came out of her mouth. It was one thing to think these words, but to hear them said aloud seemed to animate them with a life of their own. It was as though they danced in front of her a sort of frosty mystical amoeba of fuchsia light beckoning her to say what was really in her heart.
RJ let out a long low whistle. “Wow, you have it bad for Mr. Bossman. Sounds like the ‘L’ word to me.”
The sparkly fuchsia blob seemed to pulse in agreement with RJ. Angela felt warm inside. It felt good to talk about Kieran. “You're right. I love him. I do.” And with those words the fuchsia blob spontaneously combusted, leaving fairy dust hanging in the air above her.
“Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. We got a million dollar winner over here,” RJ shouted with his hands cupped together like a megaphone. He clapped his hands in approval as other diners looked over at them quizzically.
“Ssshhh,” she swatted at RJ's arm.
He got a serious look on his face. “Girl. When you love someone you have to take chances. And rules like 'he's my business partner' go out the window because love trumps all. Love is the loophole in the business partner arrangement. You need to let your guard down and let love in. Kieran is hurting right now; I could see it at the store. That's why he was giving me the evil eye, because he doesn't know where he stands with you right now. The celibacy is not a deal breaker. I think he said it just because he wanted to take it slow with you.”
She looked around for their waiter. “Check please.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's the rush?”
“The L-word my friend. I can't believe what a stupid ass I've been all these weeks. I want to tell him how I feel tonight, while I have the courage.”
RJ popped a bit of naan into his mouth as he reached for his wallet. “Right! I’ll take you back to your car. I just love happy endings.”
Angela turned off the engine of her car and looked at Kieran's house. There were no lights on his street, and the outline of his house was imperceptible in the darkness of winter. She looked at her car clock, it was a little after 9pm. Maybe it was too late to just drop by. It had seemed like a good idea when she was sitting safely in the comfort of the Indian restaurant, with RJ cheering her on, to dash over here and proclaim her love to Kieran, but now she wasn't so sure.
She leaned her head into the steering wheel. Come on Angela, be brave.
She raised her head up from the steering wheel and was startled when she saw Kieran standing in his doorway, a quizzical look on his face illuminated by the porch light he must have just turned on. She waved at him. He waved back and motioned for her to come in the house. She took one last calming breath and exited the safety of her Volvo.
Kieran was wearing the most colorful clothing she had ever seen on him. His pants were made of an elaborate woven material depicting animals, plants, and the sun. It reminded her of South American hieroglyphics. The pants were loose and hung low on his waist. He had paired them with a white shirt and camel colored sheepskin boots. He ran one hand through his black curls, the other hand held a toothbrush.
Kieran read the question on her face. “My bathroom faces the street. I was brushing my teeth when I saw you pull up. I guess I could have finished brushing before I came out here...” he trailed off not wanting to admit that he had ran to the door when he saw her car not wanting her to drive away.
He had just been thinking about her when she pulled up on his street magically, as though beckoned by his very thoughts. Seeing her today with her friend RJ, feeling the jealousy he had felt, he knew they couldn't go on like this anymore. He needed to convince her to give them another chance. Those were his very thoughts when her car suddenly appeared in front of his house. He didn’t even remember running to the door. In fact, he might have left the water running in the bathroom. He would have to go double check.
She walked passed him into his house; the familiar scent of roses that followed her everywhere tickled his nose. He closed the door. “Give me a second, I'm going to go put my toothbrush away.”
She watched him leave the room and put her bag down on the couch along with her wool coat. She hugged her sweater around herself.
Kieran must have been planning to stay up for a bit longer because a log fire was crackling in his fireplace. An old-looking hardcover book was lying open, face down on the leather ottoman closest to the fire. The cover was simple linen embossed with the words Key to Yourself in gold letters. It looked well read, as though this wasn’t the first time Kieran was perusing it.
He emerged from the hallway with a shy smile, his dimples appearing for the first time in a long time. “Can I get you something to drink? Maybe a teasan? I have a licorice tea that I usually drink at night.”
“Hmmm, yes, that sounds nice. Let me help you,” she said as she followed him into the kitchen. This was only the second time she had ever been in his house. She looked around, admiring once again how well this home suited him. It was warm and authentic like he was. It wasn’t flashy nor was it cold and modern; a look so many bachelors seemed to favor.
He put a copper kettle on the vintage O’Keefe & Merritt stovetop and turned to face her.
“To what do I owe this honor?” he asked splaying his hands on the tiled countertop.
“Well I was having dinner with my friend RJ—”
He nodded his head slowly. “Oh right. You guys were going to ‘catch-up’ tonight,” he said, a touch of sarcasm in his voice.
Angela was taken aback by his tone. Clearly something about RJ had pushed a button. The whistling of the kettle interrupted her thoughts.
Kieran made their drinks and settled their mugs onto a wooden tray. He gestured to Angela. “Let’s go back to the living room. It’s warmer in front of the fire.”
Two brown leather club chairs, siblings to the black one in his office at Jabberwocky, stood sentry on either side of the fireplace. The ottoman with the book was positioned between them. Kieran put the wooden tray down on the ottoman, picked up the book and folded down the page he was reading.
Angela’s interest was piqued. “What’s the book about?”
“What?...oh, the book. Um, it’s kind of about spirituality and psychology at the same time. My mom gave it to me when I was a teenager, but I never cracked it open until I was going through that business with Olivia and the store,” he paused as though unsure how to continue. After a brief silence, he lifted his head and looked into Angela’s eyes as though searching for something there. He continued quietly, “It’s not an overstatement to say that this book changed my life.”
Angela felt as though time stopped, she was so drawn in by Kieran. His eyes were like bottomless wells, his sweet sincere smile held the promise of secrets kept, his deep soothing voice was like a lullaby that she never wanted to end. I love you, she thought to herself.
Kieran’s face changed from one of soul bearing to one of uncertain surprise. “Excuse me?” he asked quietly.
Angela realized that she must have said the words aloud. She closed her eyes and reached deep within herself and said them again, louder this time, “I...love...you.”
A thousand emotions flitted across Kieran’s face, but the one that stayed was uncertainty. He shook his head and said, “I don’t understand.”
Angela pressed on while her courage lasted, speaking quickly for fear that she would chicken out. “When I went out to dinner with RJ he asked me what was up with us. He said you were giving him the evil eye.” She watched Kieran’s face light up with surprise. She continued, “And then he said something about there being a tether between us. Like we were connected. He said it was obvious.”
Kieran reached out for Angela’s hands, their warmth gave her strength. “I didn’t realize it then, but I was afraid of giving us a chance as a couple. I was afraid that if it didn’t work out I would lose you as a friend and business partner, so I rationalized my fears by pushing you away under the guise of bad business practices.
“But it’s been so painful to be around you at the store every day and act like I have no feelings for you, when I feel like my heart is going to burst at the sight of you. I love you Kieran. I love you so much and I’m so afraid that I’m not mature enough, or evolved enough or whatever enough. I’m afraid that you’re going to break my heart, and we already know that I kind of went through that earlier this year,” she said, her voice cracking with emotion.
“Kind of?” Kieran prompted gently.
Angela laughed. “I only say ‘kind of’ because I can see now that as much as I loved Soren, it was, as you called it so long ago, a vacation romance. It wasn’t based in the reality of the day to day. It wasn’t grounded. And when he broke up with me, you were there to help me pick up the pieces. But if things don’t work out between us, who will be there to help me pick up the pieces then?” she asked, her voice heavy with emotion.
He smiled as he leaned forward, and smoothed her hair. “Why do you have us breaking up before we’ve even given it a chance?” His voice was as soothing as honey. “Here, drink this,” he handed her a mug of steaming teasan, then reached over, and stroked her jaw with the back of his fingers. The brief sensation of his hands against her skin sent a chill up her spine.
“Are you cold?” he asked, worried.
Angela shook her head as she clutched the mug tightly; the heat from the ceramic a welcome tonic to her nerves. “No. But there’s something else.”
Angela inhaled deeply, steeling herself for what she must say. “Kieran...” she closed her eyes tightly. She had never done this before. “Kieran. There’s another reason I’ve been pushing you away, and it’s really fucked up.”
Kieran rubbed her hands. “It’s okay, you can tell me anything.”
She rubbed her lips together, biting her lip. “You know, I haven’t been in a serious relationship in a long time either. In fact, the last man I truly loved, loved the way I love you, with all my heart. His name was Rai. We dated in college. And I think part of why I’ve been pushing you away so hard was because of that memory. The pain of losing him shattered me.”
Kieran studied her face, confused. “What happened?”
Angela squeezed her eyes tightly and shook her head. Whistles and sirens echoing through her mind. “He died not long after we graduated. We were engaged...” She shook her head again, quiet tears streaming down her face. “I can’t. It’s too hard to talk about. I just wanted you to know. I’ve been running from his ghost ever since. Therese knows all about it. You can ask her about it sometime.”
Kieran pulled her into his arms and hugged her tight, cocooning her with his body. She took a few deep breaths, allowing him to sooth her. She felt so safe in Kieran’s arms. Then she remembered that Kieran still hadn’t said how he felt about her. She pulled away from him. “Well...you haven’t told me how you feel.”
He looked at her with surprise and laughed. “It’s not like I haven’t told you before...but I was in your shoes only a few hours ago.”
She furrowed her brow. “What do you mean?”
“I was going to say something very similar to you tomorrow at dinner. I wanted to say it to you tonight, but you already had plans with RJ. And by the way, he wasn’t wrong. I was giving him the evil eye,” he said. “I was afraid that maybe he was interested in you romantically. I hadn’t seen you smile so big at anyone since Soren, and it was killing me that you had dinner plans with him tonight. That’s why I was reading this book. I needed to get my head on straight, and this book always helps me to do that.”
She shook her head and laughed.
Kieran frowned. “What?”
She clasped her hands around his face. “RJ’s gay, Kieran.”
Kieran’s eyes got wide. He started laughing.
After their giggles subsided, Kieran moved the ottoman out of the way. Taking her hands into his, he kneeled before her. He lifted her hands to his lips, and he held them there for what seemed like forever. He pulled her hand away, studied it, and then laid a gentle kiss on each knuckle.
“Angela, today at the store I was so afraid of losing you. The fears you’ve had, I’ve had as well. I think it’s just inevitable that when you love someone as much as I love you, that you become afraid at the thought of losing that person.”
Angela inhaled sharply at his words. Kieran loved her. He loved her the way that she loved him. She was torn between happiness and relief. Her heart ached listening to him. “You love me...” she said in the barest whisper of a voice.
He nodded his head vigorously as his face twisted from disbelief to happiness and back again. He pulled her into his lap and wrapped his arms around her. “I love you Angela Holguín. I love you so much it hurts. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. You’re the one.”
And with those words, the last of Angela’s wall came down. But it wasn't with the roar of crumbling boulders, but with the gentle tinkling of broken glass; for the wall between them had been built haphazardly to keep her feelings from Kieran at bay rather than protecting herself from him.
She realized now the difference in her feelings between Soren and Kieran. Losing Soren had been the pain of losing a lover. That was all. He had never been able to be more to her than that. But Kieran was so much more than that and he wasn’t even her lover, in the physical sense, yet. But he was already her partner in so many other areas of her life. It was an all-encompassing love unlike anything she had ever felt before, even for Rai. Kieran was her everything, and with that realization it felt as though her heart grew in size to accommodate just how much she loved him.
Kieran held her tight in his arms as Angela gazed into the flickering flames of the fire. It was so wonderful to sit in his embrace. There was a fullness and contentment that she had never felt before. It was enough. Kieran understood how she felt; there was no need to demonstrate it further. That time would come.
They basked in the glow of being two souls in complete alignment, which was a rare thing indeed. She inhaled his familiar campfire scent, which was even stronger now that they were sitting in front of an actual fire. Everything about Kieran seemed softer somehow, as though her love had polished his hard edges. She liked this casual at home lounging Kieran with his funky pants and boots. It was a different side to him, and she wanted to know all the sides of him.
She wanted to know everything about him, but they would have plenty of time for that.
There was no rush.
