Some commentators just can’t leave well enough alone.

ONLY EWES CAN PREVENT WILDFIRE

We have long known the sheep to be a two-purpose animal: meat and wool. Now the Nevada Extension Service is finding another purpose: fire control.

Practicing a technique successfully used in California and British Columbia, the Nevadans are using high-density, short-duration grazing to mow the fire-prone grass and sagebrush.

Their motto is “Only ewes can prevent wildfire.”

When I first heard about using sheep in fire control, I had a moment’s difficulty picturing the scene. Were they flying in low and dropping woolly beasts on hot spots? Were they fitting lambs with gas masks and shovels, then parachuting them into the forest? Or were sheep serving some useful function at the base camp? Waiting tables, perhaps nursing wounds, or simply offering comfort to the firefighters in the form of a shoulder or fleece to lean on?

No! Of course not. The sheep simply eats everything in sight so that nothing is left to burn.

Pretty clever, these Extension Service people. I understand they might apply for a grant to examine other alternative uses for sheep. I’ve come up with some possibilities they might test.

Need a replacement for the waterbed? Sleep on a bed of sheep. When trail riding or camping, just bring three or four head along. They can reduce fire danger and you can count them at night.

How about soundproofing? When a teenager pulls up beside you in traffic and his hi-fi–whale communicating car stereo is so loud it makes seismic waves in your 7-Eleven Styrofoam cup, you can immediately dial 922-BRING-A-EWE. An emergency crew will be dispatched to the scene and will stuff sheep inside the teen’s car until the sound is properly muffled.

Or how ’bout a safety device in automobiles to replace the airbag? In the event of a crash, a Bag o’ Sheep explodes from the dash, absorbing the impact, then escapes out the broken windows.

In a hurry at the airport, but don’t have time for a shine? Try the Basque Sheep Buffer. Two strong people from Boise drag a ewe over your boot toes, side to side. They glisten with lanolin, and in a hot dance hall when the grease starts steaming, no tellin’ what can happen.

Other things come to mind: sheep as large drain stoppers, self-propelled sponges, or a place to store your extra Velcro.

But the alternative use for sheep that may have the greatest potential: Q-tips for elephants.