I have the good fortune to be surrounded by friends like Freddy and Robin, and we are all blessed that our friend Ken is a lawyer who does cowboys pro bono. If the intricate legal details of this story evade you, imagine how the judge must have felt.

FREDDY’S TRIAL

Ken took Freddy’s case for the same reason ivory poachers, Enron, and Billy the Kid are able to get legal assistance: morbid curiosity.

“It’s open-and-shut,” explained Freddy. “See, I hired this man to artificially inseminate my cows. I should have been suspicious when he gave me such a good deal on the semen. I’d never heard of the breed, but the price was right. A month or so later, I put in a cleanup bull. Kind of a Poland-China cross with a big swollen foot like he’d spent the winter in a bear trap.

“They were due to start calvin’ on Labor Day. Nothin’ happened for several weeks. Then they started poppin’. All the calves were spotted and had one clubfoot! Direct descendants of the cleanup bull. I figger none of the A.I. breeding worked, so I’m takin’ him to court.”

Ken collected the gruesome details and stressed the importance of establishing the actual calving dates. This could be compared to the A.I. man’s breeding dates, which would show that none of the calves were a result of the artificial insemination. Unfortunately, Freddy’s extensive records had been lost when he cleaned out his glove box.

Freddy fairly leapt with excitement! “I have a witness who was there at Thanksgiving!” He’d seen the baby calves and could vouch for their age at the time. “Very young,” Freddy said seriously.

The day of the trial, Ken put Freddy on the stand to present his case.

In anticipation, Ken had schooled Robin, Freddy’s loyal friend and star witness, about his testimony. First, they must establish his credibility as a stockman, more than just a casual observer of the livestock business. Second, they had to relate his visit to Freddy’s ranch with a specific date, mainly Thanksgiving.

Robin took the stand and was sworn in. He sat, turned to the judge, and raised his left hand, displaying a missing middle digit. “Roping injury,” he said solemnly. Then he winked at Freddy as if to say, “Credibility established.”

Ken led the witness like a hung-up bareback rider. “And was there any special reason the date of your visit to Freddy’s ranch remains so vivid in your memory?”

“Yes, your honor,” said Robin sincerely. “It was a beautiful afternoon, we were riding through Freddy’s cow herd. It was shortly after a meaningful relationship had gone awry. I was riding a new horse that I’d been given by a close personal friend. I was suddenly transported to my youth, a family time when my uncle, God rest his soul, returned from the war. He let me ride in the saddle in front of him. I was full of the love, adulation, and childish pride to be there with Uncle Tony. It was so vivid a recollection, there in the midst of Freddy’s sleek and peaceful cows, my eyes brimmed like a fountain and I was taken back in time. I could almost taste the turkey and jalapeño gravy.” Robin wiped a tear from the corner of his eye.

“And approximately what date was it?” asked Ken.

“Labor Day,” said Robin, “I remember it like it was yesterday.”

“Case dismissed!”