This was written for the turn of the century

2020

It is the year 2020. I am seventy-four years old. I quit team ropin’ last year. Never did win a buckle.

The U.S. Team Ropin’ Association kept raising the age limit to tie on. If I could have hung on six more years, I might have finally caught up. They never would put me back to a two handicap. Doin’ good at that one ropin’ in 1996 cost me a lot!

The Republicans have maintained control of the U.S. Congress since 1994. Bill Clinton was president then. Yup, the same one who appointed himself and his wife to the Supreme Court at the end of his second term.

The Congress has continued to pass conservative legislation. Now all public buildings are “smoking only.” Nonsmokers can be seen on windy corners and office loading docks, sneaking fresh air.

The teachers’ union (NEA), sheep, and the Cuban cigar have been added to the list of endangered species.

Minimum wage is still $4.75. Workers are flocking to Mexico in search of high-paying factory jobs. Spanish is now an official language.

The balanced budget amendment has never passed. It cost too much to maintain the Star Wars defense system, which stands ready to retaliate should Grenada ever bomb us.

The drive to enforce term limits on the U.S. congressmen and senators was finally put to rest when Congress passed the Thurmond-Byrd “We know best” amendment.

A movement is afoot in Congress to carve past President Gingrich’s face on Mount Rushmore. The Redskins (formerly Indians, Native Americans, Indigenous Peoples, etc.) have objected, suggesting Russell Means’s head instead.

Ted Turner’s vast landholdings, including the states of Montana, New Mexico, and Fulton County, Georgia, were recently sold by his heirs to Tyson International meat processors.

The senator from Arkansas, William Jefferson Tyson, has introduced a bill to disallow marriage of practicing vegetarians. In spite of the fact that carniphobia is now considered a disease like alcoholism or Internet surfing.

Puerto Rico is still not a state, nor is Washington, D.C., but Alberta and Saskatchewan are being considered for statehood as I write this.

Global worming has eliminated internal parasites as a cause of concern in pets and kindergartens.

Finally, the cattle business has benefited from the laws classifying feeders and producers and old cow vets with casino gamblers. Therapy is mandated and financed by the Department of Health and Judgment-Impaired Services.

I get a check every month and go to my group sessions. They’re all people like me . . . still tryin’ to win a buckle. Mostly we talk about the old days.