HANDY TOASTS AND TRIBUTES

To the Newly Married Couple

May your love have the energy of a litter of puppies, the work ethic of a boat person, the heart of a Mountie, and may it last until they don’t sing “Dixie” in Alabama.

To the Entrenched Bureaucrat

As the years have accumulated like mineral deposits on a west Texas faucet, so has your compassion grown thick and inflexible, so that today you stand like a stalagmite, stodgy of foot and narrow of mind. A tribute to tenure, intransigence, and seniority. You have become a statue of yourself.

To the New Ph.D. Graduate

After years of denial, you now stand at the foot of reality. The accumulated anguish, frustration, sacrifice, and financial hemorrhage of all who supported you has hit bottom. You have emptied the trough, your life’s work now begins. It is, in a nut-shell, time to make yourself worthy of their faith.

To the New Baby

To the newborn, whose name is still wet on the dotted line, whose age is listed as zero, and whose slate is as clear as her fate is cloudy. Today you do not have to lift a finger. You are royalty, Miss America, Queen Bee, the Dalai Lama, Mrs. Roosevelt’s Pekingese. You do not know war, poverty, death, or disease. You know only love. Enjoy the moment.

To the New High School Graduate

Congratulations. By squinting through the fog of anxiety, hormones, posturing, and inexperience, you can glimpse a sliver of your future. Even though it is unclear, it is bright because you are standing on the shoulders of your family and friends, your teachers and coaches, and your ancestral community that stretches back to Genesis. And the taller you stand, the brighter it gets. Say thank you.